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Young Writers Society


Paradox



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Gender: Male
Points: 336
Reviews: 30
Mon Oct 17, 2011 5:29 am
VampireSenshi says...



So this is a tidbit of a story that I’m co-writing with a friend. It’s about a man named Paradox. I will post a background story for him later, but now you’ll just have to do with black hair, deep blue eyes, about 6’5”(I think I got that right, six feet five inches) he looks like an eighteen to twenty-one year old but he is much much older.
When I made this character, I actually envisioned someone like The Doctor, minus the TARDIS and the sonic screwdriver. I guess that’s enough to go on.
Setting; deep within the walls of the super secret ADSAF Facility. Which is a division in the military based for paranormal warfare, and they have an alien problem I guess. The year is 2011, but the story takes place across two time streams and in two separate years (2011 and 1984).
Anyway, this is a tidbit of my portion of the story that I really liked when I wrote it.
I will post the background story for Paradox in a later Document. It will be named
“From the Journal of J.A. Paradox”
Look for it!!!
So hear is the story
Enjoy!!!
. . .

Paradox walked harshly past the general, brushing his shoulder with his as he did.
“Let me show you how this sort of situation is to be handled general…” he sneered in the general’s direction. Looking back at him, Paradox could see that his face was ashen and full of seriousness. He obviously wasn’t enjoying this situation.
He moved slowly through the crowd of gun-toting soldiers with a fluidness one could only achieve by spending a whole eternity in the time vortex. When he finally reached the portal, he stroked the emitters copper frame with the back of his had, feeling the cold chill of metal. He peeled open the “fuse box” and scanned through the various circuitries. He pulled his goggles on over his eyes and examined the circuitry attentively for a few moments.
“Hmmmmm,” he breathed, “It seems to be an old Generation II Armatrian model with adjustable time flux generation…” he grabbed the nearest soldier by his collar and puller him closer. He was startled, practically jumping over to him. He was very pale, skinny, brown hair, blue eyes, small, probably five foot four.
“Do you know what that means soldier?” he asked in an inquisitive tone.
The soldier was sweating profusely, obviously very nervous.
“N-n-n-no sir.” He stuttered, wiping the sweat off his forehead with his sleeve.
“Hehe, yes…” Paradox laughed aloud, “It means that you can choose where you want to go, before this model of time machine,” he chuckled quietly to himself as if the words “time machine” amused him,
“You just pressed the go button on the fuse box, the time ripple opens, and then you hope that you don’t end up, well for lack of a better term, screwed.” He explained.
The soldier was still sweating profusely, but the look on his face had changed. What was then a face of fear was now a face of enlightenment. It warmed the good doctor’s heart in a way.
“So what does that have to do with anything?” the general asked in an irritated tone.
Paradox sighed.
“It means that wherever your guys found this baby,” he patted the side of the frame.
“We know it was definitely being used by a race of aliens that are not,” he searched for the right word,
“Wealthy you would say in your languages, not fairly fortunate either. If I were to time travel without being able to already, I would definitely not use this thing.”
“Why not?” a soldier from the crowd asked, they’re getting comfortable around me Paradox thought to himself, not a good thing.
“Because! They are very buggy, glitchy you could say. They aren’t very comfortable either. An example, say you want to go across the country. You can take a mildly comfortable plane ride, or you can take a bus. This is the bus!” he exclaimed
“Old, stinky, and always makes you feel like you need to take a shower after you use it…” Paradox wiped himself in mock disgust. A murmur of laughter arose through the hoard of soldiers.
Paradox moved fluidly through the hoard once more and stood in front of the general. It was then that Paradox realized that the general was as much as a head taller than he was. How had he not noticed that?
The general’s pasty white skin was flushed with anger. His bushy gray eyebrows forever formed into the shape of a slant. Paradox could tell he didn’t like being told off by a man that looked as if he was an eighteen year old (and acted like one too for that matter).
“So what kind of aliens are we dealing with here Paradox?” he asked, a globule of spit flew out his mouth when he said Paradox.
Paradox wiped his face, then said
“Well, to be honest general I have no idea who we are dealing with,” he put air quotes around dealing with.
“But whoever they are, we know that they are using old technology. And after examining the circuitry on that thing, I could tell it was freshly used. But it doesn’t seem that they went very far. The last coordinates imputed into the control panel are at point zero on the Earth. “
“Do you know where that is general?” he asked
“Zero degrees lat and long is somewhere off the coast of Africa…” he said angrily
“Exactly!!!” Paradox exclaimed.
“Little known fact, did you know that if you were to stand on point zero, and then you would look down. When you look down you would see a crater; in that crater, is a ship. Do you know what kind of ship general?”
The general made no movement whatsoever. His hands hovering over the plasma pistol in the specialized holster on his belt.
I hope he doesn’t grab that… Paradox thought to himself
“I’m taking that your silence means no, and that means that you may or may not be shocked to find out that there isn’t in fact a ship in that crater. Well, there may be, but I couldn’t tell you. And you also wouldn’t be very shocked to find out that you couldn’t look down while you were standing on Point Zero; because of the fact that it’s under water.” Paradox rambled
The general’s face looked like a big red balloon that was almost upon bursting.
“Is that so?” he growled
Paradox laughed aloud, that turned around and moved fluidly through the hoard of soldiers for a third time. He stopped just in front of the Portal, turning on his heels and looking past all of the dumbfounded soldiers directly at the general.
“I would hope so, but I think it would be a better idea for us to take a look.”
He fiddled with the buttons on the control panel, and then pressed the big red button.The ripple started to spark and kindle. Paradox moved to the side of the machine, and kicked it. There was a big, louf THUMP!
The Ripple opened, small at first. Then growing slowly, finally becoming big enough for someone to step through after thirty seconds. Paradox could see the rippling and tearing of the space-time continuum from where he was standing.
He was immediately flashed back to his first experience with the continuum, he shuddered.
Then, he shouted over the thunder of space-time,
“Okay… Who wants to go first?!?!”
<YWS>
<NE1>

NIGHT is always watching...
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1184
Reviews: 22
Mon Oct 17, 2011 2:41 pm
Fatima says...



They are very buggy, glitchy you could say

i'm not sure if glitchy is a word. please recheck if possible:)
glitch i'm 110% sure, but not that certain about glitchy.

He fiddled with the buttons on the control panel, and then pressed the big red button.The ripple started to spark and kindle.

this should be
He fiddled with the buttons on the control panel, and then pressed the big red button. The ripple started to spark and kindle.

There was a big, louf THUMP!

this should probably be loud, am i correct?:P

ohk, now that i'm done trying to scrutinize your work, i should tell you that, you didn't have much errors actually, probably they were typing errors. the scheme is wonderful, and your writing style is good. there is this part i really loved.

He moved slowly through the crowd of gun-toting soldiers with a fluidness one could only achieve by spending a whole eternity in the time vortex. When he finally reached the portal, he stroked the emitters copper frame with the back of his had, feeling the cold chill of metal. He peeled open the “fuse box” and scanned through the various circuitries. He pulled his goggles on over his eyes and examined the circuitry attentively for a few moments.


and if you would have continued writing the entire thing with this effort and language, it would have been better.
  





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Mon Oct 17, 2011 2:53 pm
Leahweird says...



This looks like it's going to be really awesome. I love Paradox! He reminds me of Dr. Who meets Chrstomanci, which could be really epic. I like how you had the mundanes there for him to explain stuff to without too much exposition. His explainations added to our understanding of his character as much as they told the audience what was going on.

In one spot though, when he's explaining about th kind of creatures that would use the time machine, the dialogue stops and starts a couple times, which could get confusing. Also, the very first line of the story prtion took a couple reads to understand, which is not what you want for your opening.

Can't wait to read more!
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 2952
Reviews: 136
Mon Oct 17, 2011 2:59 pm
Leahweird says...



Oh, and Glitchy is an adverb. It's probably not in the dictionary, but it's a legitimate word to describe how the machine is acting. Yay for colloquial grammar!
  





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Tue Oct 18, 2011 5:12 am
VampireSenshi says...



Thank You guys so much, I noticed the spelling errors right after i posted it and kind of kicked myself. But nobody's perfect i suppose.
I know how you feel in the way he's sort of like Doctor Who meets Chrstomanci (who's name I'm not recognizing), that is exactly how i had invisioned him in the first place.
I have been trying to write this particular piece of literature for quite a while now... I'm glad that you guys enjoy it!!!
<YWS>
<NE1>

NIGHT is always watching...
  





User avatar
136 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2952
Reviews: 136
Tue Oct 18, 2011 5:19 am
Leahweird says...



Chrestomanci is the title character of a book series by Dianna Wynn Jones (the late, British Grand Dame of Speculative Fiction). Like the Doctor he is famous for eccentiricity, style, and dimension hopping.
  








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