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Organ Donor



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Tue Jan 03, 2012 6:42 am
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SputnikSweetheart says...



Information About the Story:
Spoiler! :
1. This was created for a streampunk-horror contest in which they gave you three pictures to write about. I got a creepy lady in white, an organ, and a church.
2. I usually like to write about more...eh...happy...topics. However, I tried my best to add elements of horror.



I will admit that it wasn't midnight, nor was it dark and stormy, when he awoke. However, the fetid smell of my patient was more than enough to cast a delightfully steamy...and decidedly rancid fog over my operating room. I fear that I have not been keeping my operating room as clean as I should be. I will have to devote some time tomorrow to collecting the discarded parts. I hate how they rot; I hate how their final, dying breath is wasted on the expulsion of thick, grey fluid and the colourless but no less pungent liquid seeping through the sloughage. Is that what life is given to us for? The blind, stumbling life that leads only to decay… To be born clean, red and fresh, to live a life where every day is one more day towards deterioration and to finally break down, to abandon the indelicate world, and leave behind only obsolete dirt, Stygian discharge, useless dust and this revolting gristle that simply refuses to remove itself from my dress? No matter, such distasteful frailties will soon vanish from this unfortunate place. Before I wash up however, I must examine my newly awakened patient. The patient is my husband.

My husband played the organ, a meretricious, off-putting instrument that soaked through my ears. The only thing that appealed to me about it was its breath. It’s wintry sighs that told me that this machine was alive. It’s metal glimmered brighter than the eyes of the most ebullient young girls. The fluid motions of the gears that responded to the slightest of touches promised such callous grace. This wickedly ravishing machine required next to nothing to fuel it; only a mindless marionette to set its fingers on its keys. And aren’t mindless marionettes the easiest toys to fabricate? My husband…in the beginning he was exhilarating. Every motion he made was so gruesomely unpredictable. However, I suppose even the most avant-garde toys grow tedious. He wasn’t entertaining to me any more; he was simply a nuisance, a dirigible that only flies in circles, showing me the same sights and sounds as it did the rotation before. I hate démodé beings and it was not difficult to lock him away to let him sour and fester out of my sight. When I went to check on him one afternoon, I was delighted with what I found. He was no longer a wearisome rag, but had ripened into something much more interesting. Though his boorish eyes no longer moved to meet mine and his leaky lips ceased to provide words that hopelessly strived to ensnare my attention, he suggested such animation that could only result from being recently dead. His limbs were snakes that weaved their way around my heart. I was in love once more. And as most any depraved soul can tell you, love inspires passion. This passion was exactly what roused me to change the world.

I am constantly in search of perfection. As I grew up, all I saw encircling me was dreary monotony. I was born into a silken crib and given my meals off the most heavily gilded platters that utterly emanated filth and desecration. They shoved me into shining shells of fabric that suffocated me and caused me cough up blood and pieces of my very soul onto the sickeningly begrimed marble. The appearance of the radiant red was the only thing that told me I was not dead and blanketed underneath the sympathetic earth. And the people…such empty animatrons that lived to split their smiles and offer their putrid fingers for others to hold. Such torpid movements and sticky lethargy adhered itself onto my skirts and dragged me under. I was living in a broken, defiled graveyard that was infected with the worst kind of virus…the living. As I was caught under the merciless feet of such masses, I vowed to cure the world of the walking blight.

It was just last week that I made my breakthrough. As my husband ripened in his magnificent death, I was constantly reminded of the organ. It was so alive…it possessed such otherworldly finesse that pumped out cacophony I had grown to love. Just recently some marionette had bravely turned against its master and invented an organ that breathed on its own, nobly making itself obsolete for the sake of true élan. Every day I would enter the church and see its machinery effortlessly fall into a rhythm, like a heartbeat, that created the truest form of life. I remembered my asinine husband serving this divinity, seeing him converge upon it and almost take part in its clandestine glory. That is when I began to imagine the cure: a cure that would bring to life even the most vacant of bodies and minds.

And here I am now. My darling’s eyes are reopening with mechanical elegance and the grace of his patchwork body distracts me from the luxurious stink, coming off in waves from his newly animated body. He begins to cry, such discordant and resonant tones I have heard only from his mother, the organ, who gave a part of herself to create this beautiful new creature. I can see the polished gold through his skin that is animated as well, harbouring its own bacterial life that causes it to dance along with the lively gears turning in his exposed skull. This is the future...this is the only life that is real. There is no blood to violate the harmony, only redeemed flesh that brilliantly flickers along with the glistening gold and keeps time with the throbbing wail of pure music.
Time expands, then contracts, all in tune with the stirrings of the heart.
  





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Tue Jan 03, 2012 10:02 am
TwistedMuffins says...



Hey there!

I will admit that it wasn't midnight, nor was it dark and stormy, when he awoke.


I like the blue highlighted part! I actually kind of expected something like "It was a dark and stormy night", which would have been very cliche, but that gave it a good twist.

Also, I would suggest "when he woke up" rather than "when he awoke". I'm sure what you've written is right, but when you say it out loud, the first would be more fitting in.

to cast a delightfully steamy...and decidedly rancid fog over my operating room.


Always put a space between "..." and "and" or any other word following after the full-stops.

Before I wash up however, I must examine my newly awakened patient.
I'm not sure what it is in this sentence, but it seems as if you have changed tenses here. You might want to check up on that.

You write amazingly well! There isn't a thing for me to correct! So instead, I'm just going to tell you what I liked:

As my husband ripened in his magnificent death, I was constantly reminded of the organ. It was so alive…it possessed such otherworldly finesse that pumped out cacophony I had grown to love.
Had great impact.

His limbs were snakes that weaved their way around my heart.


Well described! Really well described!

There are tons of parts that I liked, but this post would be filled with quotes if I go on.

Though, I was a little confused in the beginning. The name said Organ Donor, and I literally thought of organs. As in, the ones inside your body. Especially since donor was there too, I thought of something completely different from your story. So you might want to change the name to something that won't give away your story, but won't mislead us either.

Keep writing!
-TwistedMuffins.
If I were to have a super power, it would be to time-travel, so that I could turn back time, and erase your very existence.
  





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Tue Jan 03, 2012 2:33 pm
Lavvie says...



Hi there Sputnik! I'm here as requested.

Alright. I'm going to jump right in since, unfortunately for you, I'm irritable and lacking sleep. But I'll try and be good.

First things first: you're rather verbose in your prose. Like, there's some times when you can get away with it but using fancy words doesn't make your writing any better but, in fact, quite the opposite: worse. It distracts the reader from the real substance of your story and instead creates something that feels as if it's entirely adjectives. However, you have strayed multiple times from your topic because of the convoluted prose. I'm not even sure myself what the real plot line/story is. It's so convoluted, I'm not even sure where you going or where you went or where you intend to go. To get started on righting this, you can remove many needless and unwanted descriptors. If you're denying this and having trouble realizing you're verbose, try reading your story out loud. All the additional adverbs and adjectives and other such descriptors will be obvious and it'll be extremely bizarre to the listening ear.

Second, I dislike your use of ellipses within your story. Ellipses are limited usually only to use within dialogue like:

"Yeah, I know...," Mary said, trailing off in humiliation.

Obviously, it's when characters don't finish their speech i.e. they trail off. It just doesn't work the same in prose and it looks weird. What's the point of it anyway besides dialogue? Yeah, you might want to look at that.

And lastly, and sort of tied in with my first point about convolution, is what is your story really? I don't understand it with all the words and useless things. I tend to agree with TwistedMuffins that you might want to tweak your title a bit because, in this case, the title could go a long why in helping with comprehension of the story. So far, it's confusing and muddled and just all because of the verbosity. Otherwise, it could have potential, though I'm not sure since I hardly see it besides a few huge paragraphs of words.

I'm sorry if I was too harsh, but I'm trying to be honest. If you have any questions about this review, please don't hesitate to shoot me a PM.

Yours,
Lavvie


What is to give light must endure burning. – Viktor Frankl
  





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Wed Jan 04, 2012 2:46 am
Kafkaescence says...



As requested.

Firstly, I would like to offer a humble rebuttal of Lavender's first point. Verbosity in itself is not a crime. Some of the best writers are terribly verbose - take Conrad, or Vern, or that whole catalog of Victorian ladies. You know. Bombasity, however, is an entirely different story - but you didn't come across as bombastic. That's a good thing, I suppose.

However, while I'm on the subject of word choice, I do believe there are a few instances where you are going in over your head. Let me provide a couple examples.

clandestine glory

Clandestine glory? "Clandestine" means "secret" or "devious." Frankly, I have no idea how or why you came up with this phrase, but it doesn't work.

mechanical elegance

Another bit of wordplay that confused me. "Mechanical" means "automatic." In terms of movement, I suppose it means something along the lines of "convulsive." What is "convulsive" doing as an adjective of "elegance?" Indeed, your "mechanical elegance" is almost an oxymoron.

luxurious stink

Again. I've never heard of a stink being luxurious. Not an oxymoron, but certainly a misplaced word.

Those weren't all of the demonstrations of poor word choice I found here. If you're not comfortable with a word, here's a panacea for you: don't use it.

You are drifting a bit here, but I wouldn't automatically attribute that to the word choice. I think it's more just a blip in your prose. I think that you're latching on to every idea that you bring up, feel a need to laden it with descriptors, and end up rambling.

The storyline wasn't clear to me. There're these incessant references to death; are they metaphorical (pertaining, perhaps, to the lack of attention he bestowed his wife) or are they literal? I consider the latter a possible contingency even in its realism-limited impossibility, because how am I to know how far this story diverges from said limitations? Might not it be something entirely bizarre?

Your story, then, wasn't the easiest one to follow. Much of it was obscured by your meandering attempts at atmosphere; the rest was lost in the murkiness of its chronology. So, the honest criticism you desired of me: this needs work, but I feel it has potential. I think there's a strong story hidden beneath the layers of dust you concealed it in, and I have no doubt that you'll be able to uncover it.

Hope this helped.

-Kafka
#TNT

WRFF
  





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Thu Jan 05, 2012 12:47 am
Justagirl says...



Hi there! I know you already seem to have a ton of reviews but when I read this, I felt the need to give feedback (don't worry, it's not a bad thing ;) )

So, I really liked this story. You do seem to have bits of steam punk in here and then the ending really shows off the steam punk style nicely. Well done with that.

I'm not sure how integrated the objects you're given needed to be, but I think you did pretty well. Anyways, I'm going to give a small summary on how you did with each one, so that you can have some constructive criticism on each.
Your contest objects:
Organ - I think you did really well with this object. I really like the role it played in your story and I think you portrayed it quite well, especially in the end.
Creepy Lady in White - You did her pretty well. I just think that you should, in her sort-of flashback of how she was raised, include a bit about her wearing silky white dresses or dresses with lots of lace and such. That would show her "White" requirement better, I think.
Church - This, you didn't do as well as the others. Yes, you did have a bit about it but it wasn't too much, although it did tie in with the story nicely. Maybe mention a memory she has from the church?

Anyways, I've mentioned your ending a few times and I want to congratulate you on it. I thought it was really quite good (great, even ;) ) and I wasn't quite sure what was going to happen with the whole story until I did get to the ending. The second to last line tied together all my thoughts, to be exact.

Well done with this! I truly enjoyed reading it :)

Keep writing,
Justagirl
"Just remember there's a difference between stalking people on the internet, and going to their house and cutting their skin off." - Jenna Marbles

~ Yeah I'm letting go of what I had, yeah I'm living now and living loud ~
  








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