Young Writers Society

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If he dies, I will hurt you!!!!!!! Okay, here are my suggestions:

"A pile of ancient wood, the remains of a shack that would have entirely disintegrated long ago in a less mild climate, looked like a heap of old, black, broken bones, and its stone foundation had been loosened and disassembled by encroaching weeds and vines. It was an eerie place filled with quiet mystery, a token of some people whose lives, long snuffed out by the march of time, had once been centered on this now dismal ruin." These two sentences are a bit long. I like them, but someone could get lost within them because of all their descriptions.

"I have told you of Blade Sanctuary and my master Talstran. An elven ranger, he’s certainly no kensai, yet I rank him as one of the greatest warriors alive. Close behind, a woman I could call mother, and have, is Dayla." Since when do both parties know each other? I suppose this kind of explains it, but it was interesting to read the previous chapter and then realize the relationship between the main character and these two.

What is the "sword-dance"? You mention it, but I have no clue what it is. I realize you have written other books prior to this one, but I am confused on this issue.

"nation know if it," This is supposed to be"nation know of it".
"ad there" (and)
"The creature woul nto give up" (would not)
"and again he was struc by the oddity of it." (Struck)

This is soooooo good! He better not die! I will hurt the writer! Some of these are just minor errors. I love the way the gnome talks! Writergirl

Thanks yet again. I appreciate you pointing out the typographical errors.

As for the plot issues. Since when do they know each other? Lol, they always have, you just didn't know that, lol. Just because people are in different parts of the world doesn't mean they haven't met at some point, of course, lol. It's true, reading the first two parts of the series would give you a more detailed explanation. But, I think this instance isn't supposed to make you go, "Wait, they knew each other?" It's supposed to make you go, "Ah, they know each other." Obviously, people don't go spouting their histories like walking textbooks; they just talk about it casually. So I sort of use casual conversation to drop plot details, since those plot details are important to the characters' lives, and it makes sense that they would talk to each other about them. Does that make sense? Maybe not, lol, it's after three in the morning, and I worked for eight hours, lol. But let me know if my point is valid. Anyway, thanks for the considerations.

Your point is very valid. I was jsut surprised seeing that they were close. And, thanks for replying to every comment. It is really nice to see your side! Writergril

Quote:
He had never heard of mines off the shore of River Taquival, and had read extensively on Afanadar’s geographical history.
-Maybe ‘even though’ would be better than ‘and’ here.

Quote:
it is true that my people are miners, yes, that is, gnomes are miners often, yet rare is it that our constructs are so near the surface.
-’(…) that rare IT IS (…)’ ????

Quote:
You can tell this from its lack of durability methinks, yes,”
Comma after ‘durability’?

Quote:
Shrugging, Gleebeck turned from the ancient pump, just glad to have an excuse to get off his colt and walk on his own legs, yes, indeed, despite his practical attitude.
The part ‘yes, indeed’ and after - is it necessary? I think your dumping too much into that sentence.

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It took me three years, the three hardest years of my life. I wonder sometimes how I survived.”
“Three years,” she muttered, astonished. “You are a sort of prodigy.”
Yes, yes, make him a prodigy. Geez.

Quote:
There was a quiver of darker something in the shadows, and the horses snorted in fright, sensing that something was wrong.
‘(…) of A darker something (…)’ I don’t like the idea of ‘darker something’, though. Write what instead of ‘something’.

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The creature woul nto give up,
Writergirl got this one, but I noticed that you didn’t correct it. Why?

Quote:
“Ah, yes, well, I was meaning to say, master of the masked face, that I would be most pleased to be leading you to Gleebeck.”
I know that this is an extreme situation for the gnome, but him being a gnome - why did he give a straight answer?

Quote:
“I know not,”
Couldn’t he just say: ‘I don’t know’. Oh, I know you wanted this to sound all fancy, but then you would have to MAKE all of his replies in the same style.

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I do not mislead you, O great master of the shiny blade.”
Why is the ‘O’ capital? If you really want it to be capital, then I think the rest of the title should be capital, also.

Quote:
Draven shouted with ecstasy.
“Finally! The wretch has fallen. I have done it.”
What a dramatic scene. Well, okay, its all right, just couldn’t help myself, the rest being so good…


Again, everything I write are only suggestions, lol. As to the kendai thing, have you ever read a book of Sapkowski? He has a very similar character when you come to think of it.

-elein

I appreciate the reviews. I haven't made the corrections here on YWS because I'm very busy, and I'm getting to it. No, for Gleebeck, it's "is it." Sometimes, when talking about gnomes in the prose, I use their speaking patterns to sort of mock them.

There are prodigies in this world, so why not in mine? And, Phasmatis has a two-novel history. If you'd read them, you'd agree that he was a prodigy, I think, lol. Finally, on that matter, it's Gwynera's assertion that he's a prodigy at this point, not necessarily mine (though, it is my assertion, admittedly.) Whether it's stereotypical or not to use prodigies as main characters is a little late at this point to worry about, since I've got this book, four and five plotted out.

I pretty much usually have Phasmatis say "I know not." It's not really all that fancy. Actually, it's one word less.

An uncaptalized o hanging out in the middle of a sentence looks weird to me. The O is to accentuate how mockingly dramatic he's being, without me having to say, "And then, the gnome was mockinlgy dramatic."

Never read Sapkowski. Kendair is my imaginary reinterpretation of a real martial arts form using the sword, called kendo. Kensei (re: kensai) are part of Japanese legend, especially concerning the hero Mushashi Miyamoto. That's pretty much where the similiarities end.

One thing, about a past chapter: "Hands wringing themselves nervously." That's personification, a very ordinary literary device.

You are very scrupulous in your reviews. I like that very much. Thank you for taking your time to help my writing. Take care.

Hey Scribe, Great job on the third Chapter. I was excited to see that the plot was finally said in black and white. I read this Chapter, and I really found very little critiques to give you that were negative.
I got to see Phal's personality more, and I like how he's so humble. I hope you keep his level head threw out the whole novel.
I liked the way you got to know him too, by talking to Gyn, rather than just trying to find ways to fit it in. It seemed a lot more natural this way, rather than reading it threw third person.
While I think that eleinasari gave you some good points above, I have to disagree with her when she said that in parts you tried to make your writing too poetic, more or less. I have to disagree. I love the way you write, like when you said "My history with kendai is yet new, but my acquaintance with the blade is a life long affair." Just things like that sets a tone to the whole story. It also implies a time line, but still leaves it up to the imagination. Hopefully you'll keep writing in that manor.
Another thing that goes along with your writing that I admire is the words you use. Like taxing, equine, anonymity, disheveled, or philanthropic. Their odd words, but I still know what they mean, so nice job on that too.
On the same note of your writing, I really find you commendable on is the way you make your characters speak differently. I can definatly tell when the gnomes are speaking without you even telling me.
One thing I did notice in your writing that I wasn't sure if I liked too much was when you kept switching from the names of 'Kensai' to 'Phasmatis'. I know that it is important to switch up your wording to make it less repetitive, but I don't think that in the middle of a fight scene is the best time, simply because in a fight scene, I at least, am reading quite quickly, just because of my antisipation to see what happens next. So when you add in a new charecter name, one in which I haven't heard of for a couple of chapters, makes it where I have to keep rereading it, until I figured out who you were talking about and got fimilure with it. I know I seems like a mistake on my part, for not catching it sooner, but it does take away from the excitement of the fight. Maby you could intraduce the name at a more tranquil time when they're just talking, or something.
Before I get into a few gramaticle errors, I would like to tell you how much I loved your latest fight scene. Wow, only chapter 3 and you allready have 2 of them.
So now, as promased, I have somemore grammer errors for you. Please let me know if me telling you these are getting on your nerves.
I know that a couple of people have gotten onto you about 'woul nto give... but I wasn't sure if you could find it, so I thought I'd give you the heads up to where it's at (I do what I can ).
Page 4, line 24
Page 4, line 3 - ...mouths witht a snap...
Page 4, line 11 - ...ad there, on the ground...
Page 4, line 25 - ... and hada the thing on...
Page 5, line 8 - ...he was struc by the oddity of it...
Page 3, line 3 - ... Speed ad brute strength...
Page 6, line 18 - ... His friends were in danger and nothing else matter...

Again, please let me know if you can find these on your own, and want me to quit telling you.
Good job on this chapter, Scribe, and I'm looking foward to reading your next.
I apologize for the errors in my critique, I'm in a bit of a hurry though, so please forgive me. I think you get what I'm trying to say.

Thanks Twi! I appreciate the thoughts very much, as always! No, no, PLEASE point out the typos. The thing is, when I reread my own writing, I tend to read it as I know it should be, so I kind of gloss over the text. I really appreciate you pointing out typographical errors. As eleinsari noted, though, I don't always have time to put them on YWS, but I can assure you that they're going into my files.

Think of it: You've edited a book that may be published in the future! Neat, kinda, hey? Lol.

Well, I will talk to you soon. I'll take into consideration the "kensai" thing, too, about not switching names in the middle of a fight . . . I guess I just think it's a cool word! Ciao!