Young Writers Society

A boy about the age of 12 was being driven by his personal chiefer. named Ralf . He was on his way to meet his dad and mom at there private jet. They were going to France for the weekend at one of their 500 houses located around the world. He was listening to loud rock music produced by his customized Ipod, and playing his Nintendo ds. He was Anxious because his parents were going to introduce his new body guard. His parents now thought he needed one because of the recent Kidnap attempts on other kids who parents were rich. They knew he was at more risk because both parents were rich. Each was a multi-millionaire, and together they formed a multi-billionaire team.

The body-guard was supposed to be the best in the business. He was an ex-CIA agent, Ex-national security, and almost Any other important job that involved a gun. He felt a bump and and a jerk, and immediately knew they were there. He jumped out of the car not waiting for his chiefer to open the door like usual, instead ran into his mother's awaiting arms.

"William, son, This is Ron, your new body gaurd" said william's dad who always got right to biusness on every occasion. His dad Then took him by the shoulders and faced him in the opposite direction to see some standing in front of him. THe guy in front of him was amazing. He looked muscular, but not like a body builder, he had black spiked hir that drawed attention to his lether jacket and jeans. The body-gaurd looked like he could pass as his older-brother.

"Hi, I am ron."Exclaimed the body gourd."I hope that we get alon, as we are now going to be spending alot of time together. I need you to squedual a week in advance with me so I can do a background cheack of the pepol you will be spending time with, and the security of the p[lace. I want to know where you are every second. You are not to leave my sight Without telling me first. If you do, you will be in lock down fror one week. Which means that you will not leave your room For one week, Not evan to transfer to another house."The strict body gurd scanned him over." you will also be getting up at 7 am every morning to take a one hour self-defence class. You will also need to were this necklace where ever you go. THe dolphins eye is a minni button which will activate the listening divie and a destess signal. It is also a tracking divice. If I ever see you not wereing it you will be on lock down for onw month."He took a long breath." now that we got the rules over lets go to the french crab" suggested the body guard.

"I am starving, and please call me will" said william, while trying to fasten the black lether thong around his neack. It held a two silver dolphins touching nose to tail in a circle.it might have been something he would have bought if he saw it.

**************Will be continued in chapter 2: abby******************

I see no potential in this. Your character is not one that we can connect to, especially since he complains about his "billionaire" parents.

Also, make sure you spell check your work. And usually short little paragraphs like this one don't fly here. I would suggest not posting something like this again, but something you put more effort into.

This didn't really catch my interest either...
This was really short, and it is really hard to write anything besides a first impression. It was short AND abrupt, which, at least in this case, was somehow not a good match. Also, you should reread this, there are spelling mistakes which the spell check won't catch, e.g. 'hi'.

-elein

It was ok but it needs lots more work.you need to do a spell check and it seems a little dry if you could pump it up and prolong the moment before he gets taken then it could probably be really great.

Hey there, Amber lee!
There are a couple goofs along the way, yes, and I agree that you should prolong it a bit. But first with the goofs!

wher is my body guard...

Should be where.

...my millinare dad and my billionare mom.

millionaire and billionaire

...I wish i was born...

I

...ran through hi mind...

I believe you meant 'his'.

And now for thoughts!

He froze.

A van pulls beside the boy as he's walking, so he freezes? This van could be anybody. Just because it's strange doesn't mean it's kidnappers. Why would this thought pass through his head? Was there a past experience or something? Does he know that car from somewhere, or who drives it? If so, then you really should prolong it. We also may feel more attachment to the character if you did that.

wish i was born to another family, besides my millinare dad and my billionare mom.

Info dump!
When I think of my parents, I don't think,
'I wonder if my blue-eyed mom would like this,' or 'My average money making dad sure is nice.' I think, 'My dad is nice.' And 'I wonder if Mom will like this?'

Again, this is where prolonging it could do you good. Show us that he comes from a rich family.

Maybe they have a few huge houses scattered around the country. Or maybe the world? Maybe throw in a couple gold lamps. Sports cars? Privet jet? And then we need to know how it is they got that rich. Okay, we don't need to know, but it would be interesting to find out how they got so rich.

So long as they're filthy rich, and you show us that they're filthy rich, you don't need the info dumps. In fact, you never need info dumps. Info dumps just get in the way of the story, and the reader will usually skip them anyway.

I think that if you went back and touched it up a bit, added on and chopped off, this could take shape. Cut out info dumps and prolong it a bit. When you've done that, post it again and we'll see how it goes then!

~*Dreamer*~

All I can say is keep working on this,you can make it a lot better.

The story you seem to write is of a good idea so do complete it and post it in here,besides keeping in mind all the suggestions.

I would like to read the full story.

Keep writing and posting!

Much better! Very nicely done! Only a couple goofs now:

...playing hi Nintendo ds...

His

...He was Anchious because...

anxious

...one of there 500 houses...

their

...ran into his mothers...

mother's

There are a couple instances where you begin a word with a capital letter in the middle of the sentence, but I'll let you hunt those ones down.

You're doing great, Amber lee! I loved it. You did a great job of showing instead of telling, and I really got into it. Please add on to this! I'm very curious as to what happens next!

amber lee wrote:A boy about the age of 12 was being driven by his personal chiefer. named ______ . He was on his way to meet his dad and mom at there private jet. They were going to France for the weekend at one of there 500 houses located around the world. He was listening to loud rock music produced by his customized Ipod, and playing hi Nintendo ds. He was Anchious because his parents were going to introduce his new body guard. His parents now thought he needed one because of the recent Kidnap attempts on other kids who parents were rich. They knew he was at more risk because both parents were rich. Each was a multi-millionaire, and together they formed a multi-billionaire team. The body-guard was supposed to be the best in the business. He was an ex-CIA agent, Ex-national security, and almost Any other important job that involved a gun. He felt a bump and and a jerk, and immediately knew they were there. He jumped out of the car not waiting for his chiefer to open the door like usual, instead ran into his mothers awaiting arms.

Can i suggest you tell us the name of the chauffer and describe the boy some more, at the moment he sounds like a rich snob and most people can't connect or feel sympathy for rich snobs.
Also i take it by anchious you mean anxious.
I like your paragraph about the bodyguard "and almost Any other important job that involved a gun"

I kinda like the kid, actually--very stark conrast to nice, quiet, mild mannered kids we normally read about.

The writing, however, was a little off.

Spelling and grammar both need a run through, as does punctuation.

Stylistically, I think the story could benefit from a good fleshing out; more sensational description--and by sensational, I mean description of the senses--as well as more setting descriptions.

I also thought the story suffered from hyperbole--500 hundred houses, millionaire plus millionaire equals multi-billionaire, ex-anything with a gun....it just all seems to....childish? If the story was in first person, form the child's perspective, I would understand it. Right now, though, as is, I'd change it up a tad, like this--

They were going to France for the weekend at one of their 500 houses located around the world

No one on Earth owns 500 houses. Try this instead: "They were heading to France to spend the weekend in one of his parent's many houses around the world."

Instead of making the bodyguard Ex-everything, I'd just make him something very special, like Ex-CIA, or Ex-Navy Seal. Something impressive, but still plausible.

As for the bodyguard himself, I don't think the first thing hew would say to his new protectee would be "Hi here's a necklace!" wouldn't he, like...introduce himself?

Anyway, think on it.

--Dono

There were a lot of problems with that story, and to highlight them all would be tiring. So I'm just going to say: WATCH YOUR GRAMMER and PUNCTUATION. Best selling authors can't afford to make simple grammatical errors.

Other than that the story was OK, a childrens best seller. There were lots of comic book ideas in there, and the story was a bit Richie Rich.

Spelling was atrocious, but you did understand the words you used which is a plus.

Personally, I couldn't care less for the character, and if the jet went down with him in it- so be it!

Keep writing though, because potential lurks there, somewhere.

Yours,
Parker

If I were I'd keep a speelchecker handy and make sure you capitalize names and don't capitaze words that are not names, places, or beginning of a sentence. I liked the prolouge but this doesn't seem to have any connections to it besides the kidnapping.