Young Writers Society

This is a book that i have been working on and it is connected to my freind, Nick Neuhoff's, book series The Line

I don't think its that good but its your thought that matters

I am thinking of taking the beginning scene out what do you think?

There is an edited version that i am told is better

Chapter 1
The Invasion


In a place where peace reigns, a thief and a murderer run from their worst fears. They run as fast as their already weakened legs can take them, but they can’t run faster than a holy warrior.

Holy warriors are feared by every criminal even the best because no crime can slip underneath their eyes. Even though the criminals
outnumber the holy warrior, it would take fifty men to even harm him.

Even though the criminals know they can’t outrun the holy warrior they continue to hope they can. The holy warrior is hoping for action, but he must do his best to find a peaceful solution.

After what seemed like a lifetime to the criminals the holy warrior finally caught up to them.

“Why’d ya do it? You know you can’t get past us,” said the holy warrior calmly.

“Oh I don’t know… maybe the leaders you serve are taxing us to much,” said the thief.

“We serve no one!” said the holy warrior a little frustrated.

“You serve the law which is made by the leaders,” said the murderer in a smartass sort of way.

In a flash of light, flame came out of the holy warrior’s finger and enveloped the criminals. After a while the smoke began to clear and the holy warrior saw not only two but three shadows when he should have seen none. After the smoke completely cleared, the holy warrior saw a man in full black armor with a hellish aura around it. He had an average body type, but was strong enough to carry the plate armor.

In an even faster flash of light, the dark knight drew his sword and sent a beam of the same hellish aura at the holy warrior. The holy warrior was so scared and surprised that he couldn’t move, and he was incinerated in that beam.



“Why did you act, Makajeh?” asked a man in black armor with scars all over his face.

“Forgive me for undermining you, Searbreon, but we needed to act now before they found us,” replied Makajeh, a man in black clothe and black eyes with red hellish fire coming out of them.

“We also need more men before we can destroy Valeria!”

“We have enough men and were powerful enough to destroy it. I think your getting paranoid in your old age.”

Searbreon, in a fit of rage, shot a ball of shadow at Makajeh. Makajeh said words that would make a normal human cringe and teleported right behind Searbreon. He thrust his knife into Searbreon’s throat. Immediately Searbreon’s body fell to the floor devoid of life. Right after Makajeh stabbed the body he heard footsteps behind him and turned to see Searbreon.

“Dead clone. The one ability I didn’t teach you. By the way I didn’t know there was a teleportation spell in existence,” said Searbreon with a smile on his face.

“There is now. Dead clone still won’t save you.”

While Makajeh said that, he drew his bastard sword, a sword that is thick, heavy, and double handed. Searbreon drew his sword, and they rushed toward each other with a trail of hellish aura following them. With each attack the other blocked. Every time Makajeh got the upper hand Searbreon always found a way for him to get the upper hand. The sword fight lasted forever until the fighting stopped, and they were standing across from each other panting.

“This is where the shadow surpasses the being,” said Makajeh while he was forming energy around his hand. He sheathed his sword to his back and suddenly rushed forward dragging his hand. About half way he disappeared and appeared right behind Searbreon and thrust his hand into his master’s back. Searbreon spat out blood and fell to the ground shaking.

“Why didn’t you use dead clone?” asked Makajeh a little
confused.

“I need to create it right at the moment I am being struck. I was expecting you later, but you teleported and I didn’t have time to create the dead clone,” said Searbreon panting.

After he finished speaking there was a silence and quickly Makajeh took his bastard sword and stuck it into Searbreon’s heart.

“Your last scar by your last student,” whispered Makajeh to
himself right before he fainted from exhaustion due mostly to the teleportation spell.



“Rone, wait up!” screamed a seven year old girl in blue robes.

“What is it sis?” asked Rone, a blond, short haired, green eyed bookworm that’s fifteen years old with a knack for ancient scrolls.

“Where are ya goin?”

“I’m goin to the library. Where else?”

“Oh…. I got nothing to do.”

“Go hang out with your friends.”

“Their all busy.”

“Then go train or something else………..productive.”

“Fine.”

“So annoying,” whispered Rone under his breath.



“Hey Wyvern, why do you train so much?” asked Sisilia who may not look like much but is one of the most powerful students at the academy because of her agility. She has brown silky hair with dark, blue eyes and a wakazashi strapped to her belt (in between the size of a katana and a dagger with the curve of a katana) and is fifteen.

“To surpass you, of course,” said Wyvern, a fifteen year old boy with solid black hair and black eyes (not normal eyes no color but black)
and a mace strapped to his belt like a medieval sword.

You’ll never surpass me,” said Sisilia sort of sarcastically but not
really.

“Now we have eight hours of rigorous training to do.”




“Hey Sendoma,” said a nineteen year old girl with black hair, green and blue eyes, and a katana strapped to her back with a legendary ability with lock picking.

“Huh, oh Alexandria you followed me,” said Sendoma a seventeen year old boy with long, dirty blonde hair and brown eyes. He is very mysterious to everyone because he is a skilled fighter in everything, can conceal weapons without anyone finding them, and he has a connection with nature in which nature listens to him, which is considered hard to do.

“I wanted to know where you lived considering your dark past,” said Alexandria looking at the broken down house that Sendoma calls his home that is on the outskirts of Valeria, the capital of Pyre isle.

“Well now you know.”

“Would you mind if I stayed with you because my parents are getting all pissy and I can’t stand it anymore.”

“Go ahead. Oh and if it rains expect to get wet.”

“Thanks.”




“Are we ready to move?” asked Makajeh with his huge bastard sword strapped to his back.

“Yes but… are you sure were strong enough to destroy Valeria and kill everyone?” “Why not? Most of our men are immune to their magic and only a few of them carry physical weapons.”

“The thing is… that they outnumber us by a lot.”

“With us being immune to their attacks and a special weapon I developed who cares.”




“Excuse me, sir. Do you have any scrolls here?” asked Rone.

“Yea they’re in the back,” said the librarian a little tired and busy.

As Rone was walking to the back he heard kids screaming in the playground next to the library. Knowing that this happens on a usual basis he ignored the screams. As he reached the back he noticed there were more scrolls than usual. Like a kid in a candy store he grabbed all the scrolls off the shelf and took them to the table. He opened one of them and didn’t recognize the writing.

“Sir, can you come here for a minute?” asked Rone to the almost asleep librarian.

“Yea what is it?”

“Have you ever seen this writing before?”

As the librarian looked at the scroll he looked like he just drank
ten cups of coffee.

“So you have seen this writing before.”

“Yes, but only once. It is the writing of a dead language that is
so majestic it creates magic.”

“But we don’t have to say anything for our magic.”

“That is because this magic is for more powerful than any spell we use.”

“I’ve got to find out how to…” Before Rone could finish an explosion went off in the general direction of the gate. As soon as the librarian recovered from the shock, he picked up the scroll and kicked over the desk facing the door to protect Rone and gave Rone the scroll. Then he got up and started running off.

“Whereyagoin?” asked Rone frightened.

“I’m going to set up a trap. Oh and if I die and your surrounded open the scroll and throw it on the ground.”

Soon after the librarian left, Rone heard the get knocked off its hinges. He heard whispering. He heard one of the attackers say they were part of the order of the Ankishi Then he heard sizzling sounds like fire and lightning. After a while, he decided to take a look because the sounds persisted. When he popped his head up he saw two men covered completely in black armor that was glowing with a red and black hellish aura and huge swords. He also saw the librarian with a white and purple aura around his hands.

“All that magic was a waist,” said one of the Ankishi.

“Yea there is no way you can kill us,” said the other Ankishi

“We’ll see about that,” said the librarian as he rushed forward towards the Ankishi. The Ankishi didn’t move and when the librarian got in reach one of them slashed his sword low and the other slashed his sword high. The librarian, expecting this ducked and jumped to dodge both attacks. He quickly recovered and stood up. He grabbed on to the Ankishi’s helmets and threw them off. He then touched the exposed skin and said magical words that made Rone think of a place like heaven. The aura around his hands turned completely purple then to dark purple. The Ankishi who were still recovering from there strong swings got a small shriek and fell to the floor soulless and headless.

The librarian quickly turned to Rone and said, “Hurry up, we must get out of Valeria.”
Rone quickly stood up and followed the librarian out of the library with his bag of scrolls. As they were half way across the kids playground Rone stopped and kneeled over a dead body and started to cry. The librarian hearing him cry rushed to his side to see a young girl’s body that was completely covered in blood and had several gashes from sword wounds.

“Did you know this girl?” asked the librarian in a caring voice knowing the answer.

After a moment Rone stopped crying and said, “Yes she’s my little sis.”

The librarian unexpectedly threw Rone out of the way of a shadow ball that would have killed Rone. All Rone knew was that he had a sharp pain in his ankle and the same sizzling sounds that he heard in the library.

As Rone looked up he saw the librarian rushing towards another Ankishi but this time the Ankishi didn’t have a helmet so the librarian had an advantage. When the librarian was in reach the Ankishi swung his sword. The same thing happened that happened in the library with the librarian as the victor.

“Hurry. I’m sure there’s more,” said the librarian in a little more frantic voice.

“I can’t walk. My ankle’s been hit.”

The librarian without complaining picked him up and started
running towards the town gate, which was smoking. After about a half an hour with no confrontations, the librarian had gotten out of the city, a little tense, expecting a trap.

“Getting out was too easy,” whispered the librarian more to himself then to Rone.

Rone looked at him knowing he was right. Soon after, the librarian stopped and said, “We’re surrounded.”

Right after he said that there was a huge explosion that might’ve destroyed all of Valeria. Rone wasn’t fazed by the explosion at all. He was to busy trying to look for any clues of them being surrounded. After his ears stopped ringing he heard brush around them being shaken.

All of a sudden Rone was dropped by the librarian. He looked at the librarian and saw the life slowly draining out of him.

“Remember…what I said…about the scroll,” gasped the librarian, as the last vestiges of life drained out of him. Rone quickly grabbed the scroll out of his pouch and opened it. As one of the men surrounding him attacked, he grabbed the librarian and threw the scroll on the ground. A huge ball of dark purple flame enveloped everything around the scroll. After the ball of flame imploded and disappeared, Rone saw that everything around him was charred except for him, the scroll, and the librarian’s dead body. Soon after the ball of flame disappeared Rone started getting dizzy and fainted with a knife in his left shoulder.

Oooh, this was very nice. And very interesting. You asked for constructive criticism... so here I go. I am known for being very nitpicky, so the fact that I point out a lot of stuff does not mean you are a bad writer. It means that this was good enough I felt I could go through and point out the nuances without overwhelming you.

[insert]
(comments)

In a place where peace reigns, a thief and a murderer run from their worst fears. They run as fast as their already weakened legs can take them, but they can’t run faster than a holy warrior.
Holy warriors are feared by every criminal[,] even the best [,]because no crime can slip underneath their eyes. Even though the criminals outnumber the holy warrior, it would take fifty men to even harm him.
Even though the criminals know they can’t outrun the holy warrior[,] they continue to hope they can. The holy warrior is hoping for action, but he must do his best to find a peaceful solution.
After what seemed like a lifetime to the criminals[,] the holy warrior finally caught up to them.
“Why’d ya do it? You know you can’t get past us,” said the holy warrior calmly. (I don't know much about these holy warriors, but the way this one talks seems very informal. I dunno, but the first question doesn't sound calm even though you say he said it calmly.)
“Oh I don’t know… maybe the leaders you serve are taxing us to much,” said the thief. (it seems like the thief is saying this in an accusing tone - correct me if I'm wrong - but the 'oh, I don't know' part leads me not to take him seriously)
“We serve no one!” said the holy warrior [,]a little frustrated.
“You serve the law which is made by the leaders,” said the murderer in a smartass sort of way.
In a flash of light, flame came out (I think you could find a better word than 'came out' here.) of the holy warrior’s finger and enveloped the criminals. After a while[,] the smoke began to clear [,]and the holy warrior saw not only two but three shadows when he should have seen none. (the part in red seems a little unnecessary) After the smoke completely cleared (this might just be my preference, but I think it would sound better if you said 'cleared completely'), the holy warrior saw a man in full black armor with a hellish aura around it. (around the armor or the man?) He had an average body type, but was strong enough to carry the plate armor.
In an even faster flash of light, the dark knight drew his sword and sent a beam of the same hellish aura at the holy warrior. The holy warrior was so scared and surprised that he couldn’t move, and he was incinerated in that beam.

intriguing beginning. As for whether you should include or not, I can't say because I don't know how important it is. At the beginning of this part, you tell us a lot about the holy warrior straight out, and I like knowing about him, but I feel you could say the things like how strong he was and how he fought crime in a more creative way (like giving examples, or mentioning it briefly and reinforcing it with his actions). I don't know, but it seemed a little bland at the beginning. It quickly got better, but yeah.

“Why did you act, Makajeh?” asked a man in black armor with scars all over his face.
“Forgive me for undermining you, Searbreon, but we needed to act now ('now' doesn't sound right here) before they found us,” replied Makajeh, a man in black clothe[s] and black eyes with red hellish fire coming out of them.
“We also need more men before we can destroy Valeria!”
“We have enough men and were powerful enough to destroy it. I think your (should be you're) getting paranoid in your old age.”
Searbreon, in a fit of rage, shot a ball of shadow at Makajeh. Makajeh said words that would make a normal human cringe and teleported right behind Searbreon. He thrust his knife into Searbreon’s throat. Immediately[,] Searbreon’s body fell to the floor [,]devoid of life. Right after Makajeh stabbed the body[,] he heard footsteps behind him and turned to see Searbreon.
“Dead clone. The one ability I didn’t teach you. By the way[,] I didn’t know there was a teleportation spell in existence,” said Searbreon with a smile on his face.
“There is now. Dead clone still won’t save you.”
While Makajeh said that, he drew his bastard sword, a sword that is thick, heavy, and double handed (I think it would be cool if you used some similes here. 'thick as a...' or 'heavy like' just to give the reader some reference). Searbreon drew his sword, and they rushed toward each other with a trail of hellish aura following them. With each attack [,]the other blocked. Every time Makajeh got the upper hand Searbreon always found a way for him to get the upper hand. (you said upper hand twice in the same sentence... sounds repetitive)The sword fight lasted forever until the fighting stopped (a little obvious; don't think you need the 'until the fighting stopped'), and they were standing across from each other panting.
“This is where the shadow surpasses the being,” said Makajeh while he was forming energy around his hand. He sheathed his sword to his back and suddenly rushed forward dragging his hand (dragging his hand? don't really understand that). About half way he disappeared and appeared right behind Searbreon and thrust his hand into his master’s back. Searbreon spat out blood and fell to the ground shaking.
“Why didn’t you use dead clone?” asked Makajeh [,]a little confused.
“I need to create it right at the moment I am being struck. I was expecting you later, but you teleported and I didn’t have time to create the dead clone,” said Searbreon [,]panting.
After he finished speaking [,]there was a silence and quickly Makajeh took his bastard sword and stuck it into Searbreon’s heart.
“Your last scar by your last student,” whispered Makajeh to himself right before he fainted from exhaustion due mostly to the teleportation spell.

This part was very descriptive and I liked that. Makajeh sounds fascinating - can't wait to hear more about him. The only other comment I have about this is that their fight seemed a little abrupt. It might just be me, but a little insight into Makajeh's character might make the fight less of a surprise.

“Rone, wait up!” screamed a seven year old girl in blue robes.
“What is it [,]sis?” asked Rone, a blond, short haired, green eyed bookworm that’s (you change to present tense here) fifteen years old with a knack for ancient scrolls.
“Where are ya goin?”
“I’m goin to the library. Where else?”
“Oh…. I got nothing to do.”
“Go hang out with your friends.”
“Their all busy.”
“Then go train or something else………..productive.”
“Fine.”
“So annoying,” whispered Rone under his breath.

I like your dialogue and love the name Rone. Cool. But don't use more than three dots for an ellipse unless it is at the end of a sentence in which case you use 4 dots. More than 3 or 4 is just annoying.

“Hey Wyvern, why do you train so much?” asked Sisilia who may not look like much but is one of the most powerful students at the academy because of her agility. (do you mean to use present tense?) She has brown silky hair with dark, blue eyes and a wakazashi strapped to her belt (in between the size of a katana and a dagger with the curve of a katana) and is fifteen.
“To surpass you, of course,” said Wyvern, a fifteen year old boy with solid black hair and black eyes (not normal eyes no color but black) and a mace strapped to his belt like a medieval sword.
You’ll never surpass me,” said Sisilia sort of sarcastically but not really. (eh, I think the sarcasm part could be phrased better.)“Now we have eight hours of rigorous training to do.”

New characters! Yay! It is kind of strange that you introduce all your characters in small paragraphs, but as long as you develop them, I honor your style. My one other comment here is to get rid of the parenthesis; describe it some other way.

“Hey Sendoma,” said a nineteen year old girl with black hair, green and blue eyes, and a katana strapped to her back with a legendary ability with lock picking.
“Huh, oh [,]Alexandria[,] you followed me,” said Sendoma[,] a seventeen year old boy with long, dirty blonde hair and brown eyes. He is very mysterious to everyone because he is a skilled fighter in everything, can conceal weapons without anyone finding them, and he has a connection with nature in which nature listens to him, which is considered hard to do. “I wanted to know where you lived considering your dark past,” said Alexandria [,]looking at the broken down house that Sendoma calls his home that is on the outskirts of Valeria, the capital of Pyre isle.
“Well [,]now you know.”
“Would you mind if I stayed with you because my parents are getting all pissy and I can’t stand it anymore.”
“Go ahead. Oh [,]and if it rains expect to get wet.”
“Thanks.”

Interesting. I think now is a good time to talk about telling a little too much about characters. I noticed this in your other sections too. You tell us a lot about them when we first meet them - their special abilities, detailed appearance. Now, I like knowing about your characters, but giving away too much to early can be detrimental to a story. First, it bores the reader. At this point, the reader is not emotionally invested in your story; therefore, they honestly don't care about what your characters looks like or what he can do until you develop the character's personality. Now, sometimes telling these things early can be okay, but you do it enough times, it seems like overkill. Just keep that in mind.

“Are we ready to move?” asked Makajeh with his huge bastard sword strapped to his back.
“Yes but… are you sure were (should be we're)strong enough to destroy Valeria and kill everyone?”(new paragraph here) “Why not? Most of our men are immune to their magic and only a few of them carry physical weapons.”
“The thing is… that they outnumber us by a lot.”
“With us being immune to their attacks and a special weapon I developed who cares.[?]”

Good characterization of Makajeh in the dialogue.

“Excuse me, sir. Do you have any scrolls here?” asked Rone.
“Yea [,]they’re in the back,” said the librarian [,]a little tired and busy.
As Rone was walking to the back he heard kids screaming in the playground next to the library. Knowing that this happens on a usual basis [,]he ignored the screams. As he reached the back [,]he noticed there were more scrolls than usual. Like a kid in a candy store (Love the image you just gave me!) he grabbed all the scrolls off the shelf and took them to the table. He opened one of them and didn’t recognize the writing.
“Sir, can you come here for a minute?” asked Rone to the almost asleep librarian.
“Yea [,]what is it?”
“Have you ever seen this writing before?”
As the librarian looked at the scroll [,]he looked like he just drank ten cups of coffee.
“So you have seen this writing before.”
“Yes, but only once. It is the writing of a dead language that is so majestic it creates magic.”
“But we don’t have to say anything for our magic.”
“That is because this magic is for more powerful than any spell we use.”
“I’ve got to find out how to…” Before Rone could finish [,]an explosion went off(better word for went off?) in the general direction of the gate. As soon as the librarian recovered from the shock, he picked up the scroll and kicked over the desk facing the door to protect Rone and gave Rone the scroll. Then he got up and started running off.
“Whereyagoin?” asked Rone frightened.
“I’m going to set up a trap. Oh [,]and if I die and your (should be you're) surrounded open the scroll and throw it on the ground.”
Soon after the librarian left, Rone heard the (?)get knocked off its hinges. He heard whispering. He heard one of the attackers say they were part of the order of the Ankishi Then he heard sizzling sounds like fire and lightning. (very uniform sentence structure above - everything begins with 'then'. I suggest varying it a little)After a while, he decided to take a look because the sounds persisted. When he popped his head up he saw two men covered completely in black armor that was glowing with a red and black hellish aura and huge swords. He also saw the librarian with a white and purple aura around his hands.
“All that magic was a waist (waste?),” said one of the Ankishi.
“Yea [,]there is no way you can kill us,” said the other Ankishi
“We’ll see about that,” said the librarian as he rushed forward towards the Ankishi. The Ankishi didn’t move[,] and[,] when the librarian got in reach one[,] of them slashed his sword low and the other slashed his sword high. The librarian, expecting this[,] ducked and jumped to dodge both attacks. He quickly recovered and stood up. He grabbed on to the Ankishi’s helmets and threw them off. He then touched the exposed skin and said magical words that made Rone think of a place like heaven. The aura around his hands turned completely purple then to dark purple. The Ankishi who were still recovering from there (their)strong swings got (I think there is a better word than 'got')a small shriek and fell to the floor soulless and headless.
The librarian quickly turned to Rone and said, “Hurry up, we must get out of Valeria.”
Rone quickly stood up and followed the librarian out of the library with his bag of scrolls. As they were half way across the kids playground Rone stopped and kneeled over a (you might want to clarify whose dead body) dead body and started to cry. The librarian [,]hearing him cry [,]rushed to his side to see a young girl’s body that was completely covered in blood and had several gashes from sword wounds.
“Did you know this girl?” asked the librarian in a caring voice [,]knowing the answer.
After a moment[,] Rone stopped crying and said, “Yes [,]she’s my little sis.” (Poor Rone..)
The librarian unexpectedly threw Rone out of the way of a shadow ball that would have killed Rone. All Rone knew was that he had a sharp pain in his ankle and the same sizzling sounds that he heard in the library.
As Rone looked up he saw the librarian rushing towards another Ankishi [,]but this time the Ankishi didn’t have a helmet so the librarian had an advantage. When the librarian was in reach[,] the Ankishi swung his sword. The same thing happened that happened in the library with the librarian as the victor. (describing it again except a little differently might be better)
“Hurry. I’m sure there’s more,” said the librarian in a little more frantic voice.
“I can’t walk. My ankle’s been hit.”
The librarian without complaining picked him up (I think you should reverse picked him up and without complaining)and started running towards the town gate, which was smoking. After about a half an hour with no confrontations, the librarian had gotten out of the city, a little tense, expecting a trap.
“Getting out was too easy,” whispered the librarian more to himself then to Rone.
Rone looked at him knowing he was right. Soon after, the librarian stopped and said, “We’re surrounded.”
Right after he said that [,]there was a huge explosion that might’ve destroyed all of Valeria. Rone wasn’t fazed by the explosion at all. He was to[o] busy trying to look for any clues of them being surrounded. After his ears stopped ringing[,] he heard brush around them being shaken.
All of a sudden [,]Rone was dropped by the librarian. He looked at the librarian and saw the life slowly draining out of him.
“Remember…what I said…about the scroll,” gasped the librarian, as the last vestiges (ooh, good word!)of life drained out of him. Rone quickly grabbed the scroll out of his pouch and opened it. As one of the men surrounding him attacked, he grabbed the librarian and threw the scroll on the ground. A huge ball of dark purple flame enveloped everything around the scroll. After the ball of flame imploded and disappeared, Rone saw that everything around him was charred except for him, the scroll, and the librarian’s dead body. Soon after the ball of flame disappeared [,]Rone started getting dizzy and fainted with a knife in his left shoulder.

Oooh, nice description. I really like Rone. Just one little thing I noticed...

As they were half way across the kids playground Rone stopped and kneeled over a dead body and started to cry.

You use a lot of 'as's' in this story and it seems repetitive. Prepositions like 'while', 'after' or 'during' are just as fun.

So, this was very good. Your story is interesting and your characters are powerful. A few pointers for further writing...

Sentence structure. The #1 thing I noticed about this piece was a lot of awkward sentence structure. I pointed out some of it, but there were other occurrences I didn't point out. I figured with a read-through, you'd catch most of them. Try reading your sentences aloud and if it sounds fishy, toy with it. Also, reading other authors at your library or here on YWS helps with that.

word choice. Wasn't a biggy, but just make sure the word you use is the word you absolutely want.

Commas. Review your comma rules; I noted some of them, but I'm sure I missed some, so proofread this.

Repetition. Whether it is sentence structure, individual words or prepositions, repetition can kill a story, so watch for it. Reading aloud also helps this.

That's about all on the writing itself. Now I get to the fun part... character impressions...

Rone: Rone seems young. He is obviously very interested in scrolls and is young enough to take note of the kids outside; he seems naive, but he has a good heart. Will be interesting to follow.

The librarian: obviously, knows something about magic. Takes a special interest in Rone perhaps?

Makajeh: violent, has some grudge against his trainer, insensitive to killing, might turn out to be good in the end just by the initial characterization, but I can't be sure at this point.

Searbreon: seems moody, very confident in himself, also insensitive to death.

As for the other characters, you only mentioned them once, so when I read more of this, I'll give you more impressions.

Despite my criticism, I really did enjoy this. Your story is very interesting, and I honestly like the setup of it... the short paragraphs. With some editing, this will be great. Nicely done please keep writing. PM me if you have any questions.