Young Writers Society

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This is good. all of them are. just finished reading them all and i was enthralled all the way through. looking forward to anymore writing you may have

Hey Scribe! Slow down! And, Jules, they are all this long! Unfortanately! Lol. Jk Scribe. I promise you a longer review! Would you do me a favor, however. I have a friend who's name is Mandylyn16 and she wrote a story. I am planning on reviewing it (I'll also get Twi on your story!), but I was wonding if you would review her story as well. It is in the Romantic Fiction section. I'm not quite sure the title...sorry about that. I'll P.M. you the address. It would mean a lot to me! Thanks. 007

Okay, so I couldn’t keep away. Lol.

Quote:
Garius Rabba sat, polishing his blade, eyes trained hard on something invisible to any around.
‘Eyes trained hard on’ - eyes can be trained on something? If they can, my bad ^_^ Never heard of the phrase. Also, you have ‘any around’. That reads a bit awkward. ‘Anyone’, I think, would be better. -But that’s just a suggestion.

Quote:
He was tired of strategical games-playing.
My comp says that ‘strategically’ isn’t a word. Maybe ‘strategic’?

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He wished the emperor would just send them into battle or send them home
There is a chance that this is on purpose, but I still don’t like the repentance up there.

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It made him feel useless, purposeless, and it made this war seem even more useless and purposeless.
Repentance approved, lol. Though I still think that two sentence would make a better effect.

Qute:
Seating himself on a large store at the base of a tree, Garius Rabba ate his food in silence, or relative silence, aware of the camp’s murmur and the twittering of birds in the treetops.
Hm… I think that ‘- or relative silence -’ would make a better effect. Though don’t understand me wrong, its also good the way it is, I just think that it would be better if the commas were replaced by ‘-’.

Quote:
This was Karrow’s pet, Gar knew, his informant, messenger and all-around favored whipping boy.
Above you have ‘he’, now you have ‘this’. Also, the ‘his’ is a little unclear, it makes, at first, reference to Garius more than to Uriah.

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Gar distrusted Karrow, however, he was terrified of the creatures in his service.
I would delete the ‘however’. You have to negatives up there, the ‘however’, I think, would be more at place if you used positive next.

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But Hezron Uriah was something far worse, for once, Garius Rabba was certain, once a very long time ago, he had been human.
Maybe its just me, but the ‘Garius Rabba was certain’ made me reread the sentence. It makes it a little unclear. If you want to have that part, then I think that you should change it somehow. Don’t ask me how.

Quote:
And, thereby, an order, I assume,” added the soldier.
Why added?
\
Quote:
“Well, how . . . fascinating.” Space after the ellipse.


Quote:
Moments later, Hezron Uriah had returned to the palace of Emperor Tamius.
Okay, this is grammar, and I’m not good with grammar. You have ‘moment later’ and then ‘had’. It just doesn’t sound well together, at least to me. I mean, it probably is correct, but that doesn’t change the fact that it sound weird. I read it aloud, lollollol.

Quote”
The sword’s blade was white steel, its edge was perfectly sharp, and it bore no markings; despite its scintillating role as palace décor; meant for use but committed to anonymity as a visual curiosity no more impressive to passersby than any other artifact displayed in the regal halls.
The second semicolon needed? That can’t really libe on its own ‘despite its scintillating role as palace décor’, at least among all those semicolons.

Quotes:
So, the rangers decided to put out their feelers first, before acting as a group.
Hmm… that ‘so seems so… unlike your style, kind of. Though if you asked me to define it, I would have an answer. You know your style best, I suppose. The second comma needed?

Quote:
He remembered when Mercedes died, that it had been Dayla who comforted him,
Add ‘that’ up there? I know that ‘that’ is often optional, but still, I think it would be better with the word.

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He looked at Gwynera, and she at him, brother and sister, two friends of the same blood but different worlds.
Nice sentence but it should be somehow separated, I think. -Semicolon, or something?

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This gave Talstran pause.
?

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“If you betray us, Gar, I will kill you.”
How morbid, lol.

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Talstran, Dartellis and, for good measure, Gleebeck were each shackled to look like captives.
Comma after Gleeback.

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Phasmatis and Gwynera had changed into clothes afforded by Garius Rabba, their ordinary garb stuffed in their packs, in favor of traditional imperial soldier gear, which fit them as well as could be expected.
Looong sentence, I had to reread it. Contemplate on it, really. Something seems wrong, but I can’t see anything. Dunno, propably because of its length - I think it would be better if you got rid of ’their ordinary gard stuffed in their packs’. Or something. Or don’t do anything at all.

Quote:
Talstran and Dartellis felt exposed out here, the younger ranger more so, who had spent nearly all of his life under a roof of branches and leaves.
Who exactly?

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In the end, it had taken angery orders from Talstran to get his compliance, and the older ranger’s incense was growing more and more
Angery=Angry

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You have, but have given me trouble every step of the way.
You have, but have?

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That night, while Gar was out, Dartellis sulked in the corner.
Everyone was doing something, Were + verb. And here you have past (simple?). Also, ‘that night’? That somehow doesn’t seem to fit… Though, that’s just my feeling.

Quote:
The archdruid spoke with me twice. First, he told me that I must find two things; He said, ‘one thing can never be found by you, but must be given freely by another.
Hmm… Reread this bit?

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He tapped the meditating elf on his shoulder, and he looked up sullenly.
I would delete the comma and ‘he’.

Quote:
He smiled at his master, and the master in return, and both watched the night sky, kindred starlight twinkling in their elven eyes.
And, and, and… Make two sentences out of that, or do something. I looks - weird. Yes, I have such a wide range of vocabulary. Lol.



Wow. Those 11 pages went fast. As the previous chapter, I loved this one. I look forward to more!

-elein

P.S. You are so the one responsible for me not studying.

Yes, eyes can be trained. In this sense, trained is another word for "focused."

I have "strategical" there, not "strategically."

Repentance?

Added, in the sense that, the soldier is adding to what Hezron has told him.

"Moments later . . . had." It's not grammar you're looking at, it's logic. And yes, you can do something singular after several things. "Days later, he said," "hours later, she ate," "three peanuts after, he smelled," etc. Moments is plural, but they are actually a noun here. "Later" means, well, later. Singularity or plurality of "had" is a matter of the next clause.

"This gave Talstran pause." Another common phrase that I didn't come up with. It just means, it made him stop for a second, to think, either because it bothered him or because it confused him, whatever.

Quote:
Talstran and Dartellis felt exposed out here, the younger ranger more so, who had spent nearly all of his life under a roof of branches and leaves.
Who exactly?

The who is of course Dartellis. It's pretty clear that he's the younger ranger.

Quote:
You have, but have given me trouble every step of the way.
You have, but have?

The first have refering to what Dartellis had said, the second have to what Talstran is point out. "I have made breakfast," she complained. "You have, but have burned everything, from the eggs, to the toast, to the orange juice!" he replied. This is, in grammar, what we call "implied." "You have made breakfast" is important, but only the necessary aspects, the noun and the verb, are implied, when the logical additions are to be made by the person hearing/reading the statement. Think about it; a lot of our language in regular speech includes these sort of incidental abbreviations.

He smiled at his master, and the master in return, and both watched the night sky, kindred starlight twinkling in their elven eyes.
And, and, and… Make two sentences out of that, or do something. I looks - weird. Yes, I have such a wide range of vocabulary. Lol.

There's only two "ands" in that sentence, actually. And maybe I'm biased, but I think the sentence has a nice sort of rhythm to it. It's the simplicity of the sentence, perhaps, that you are noticing, which is fitting, since the moment is itself one of simple contentment.

Thanks for your help. You noticed a lot of things that need to be ironed out. I appreciate it! ^_^