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The Line: Re-appearing (chap 6)



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Wed Apr 04, 2007 1:20 am
stupidiot92 says...



This is my sixth chapter that i just wrote so it isn't that good

SO PLEASE COMMENT :D :) :( :o :? 8) :lol: :x :P :oops: :cry: :evil: :twisted: :roll: :wink: :!: :?: :idea: :arrow:

Chapter 6
A World Away



“Yes, your father sent me to help you and bring you to him,” said Valentine as he finished healing Sisilia and moved on to Rone.

“Who is my father?” asked Sendoma with so much thought going through his head.

“Your father is a neutral demi-god. His name is Grishtog. This boy has gone through so much pain. I am surprised that he isn’t permanently damaged,” said Valentine as he was still healing Rone.

“This avoral is probably your father’s messenger. I have always trusted avorals, but I would not trust your father. He abandoned you and your mother,” said the motherly voice in Sendoma’s head.

“If my dad’s a god why wasn’t he there from the beginning taking care of me,” said Sendoma.

“Even though I am trusted by your father, I have no answer for you because I have sought the answer myself and never found it,” said Valentine as Sisilia woke up. She was frightened, but Wyvern walked to her and started describing what happened after she had lost consciousness. Valentine stopped healing Rone and said, “This boy won’t wake up for a while he still has a bit of healing to do.”

After he said that he walked over to Danara and healed her very quickly. She woke up and saw Valentine though her reaction wasn’t expected. She stood up and said, “It has been a long time since this earth was graced by an averal.”

“Too long,” responded Valentine with a distant gaze. “Well Sendoma we should get going.’

“Wait, where are we going. Besides I still need to be healed and I am sure Wyvern does to,” replied Sendoma speaking really fast.

Valentine walked over to Wyvern and looked at his fist and saw several shards of armor deeply imbedded in his skin. He started healing Wyvern then said, “We are going to meet your father and I can’t heal you. Your injuries are more exhaustion than physical. I can heal your physical wounds but you will feel no better.”

“Why should I meet him. I mean he’s never been there for me so why should I go when he finally contacts me,” said Sendoma trying to keep the anger bottled up in him.

“Well for being a demi-god’s son you inherit some of his power and it would be in your best interest to harness this power and control it,” replied Valentine not meaning to be harsh.

“Sendoma, I know you. I know you have lived without parents for a while. Why don’t you go meet your father. Maybe he’s different from what you think,” pleaded Alexandria.

“I don’t want to go with you, but I will so I can finally meet my father,” said Sendoma. By now everyone was awake and they had picked up what was going on. Everyone was surprised but they all encouraged Sendoma and said goodbye to him.

“I will find you guys as soon as I get back,” said Sendoma before he left. “So how will I get to my father?”

“Just stand next to me,” replied Valentine.

Before Sendoma went next to Valentine, something glinted in his eye. “Did
you see that?” he thought.

“Yea, it’s how the Ankishi have been following you guys around. It is the armor of the spy. My vines will take care of him. You go meet your
father,” replied the motherly voice.

“Is something wrong Sendoma?” asked Valentine concerned.

“Nope, just a head rush,” replied Sendoma with a smile.

“Okay her we go,” said Valentine as he closed his eyes. A few seconds
after Valentine closed his eyes, a white cylindrical, light surrounded them. The light stayed for at least a minute. After that minute, they appeared in
a beige colored marble room. Sendoma looked around and saw one figure standing on the far side of the room.

Sendoma was about to say something when Valentine asked, “Oracle, where is Grishtog?”

“I have no idea. When I woke up he was gone,” said Oracle, a short man with a long brown beard that reached down to his feet. He had slightly pointed ears. Sendoma had heard legend of a race that called themselves the elves but he had no idea if one of them was standing in front of him. “You must be Sendoma. So did you bring the Sword and the Book?”

“Umm…I have the Sword but not the Book,” replied Sendoma slowly while he was remembering the dream.

“WHAT!? How did you forget the Book?” asked Oracle with utter shock on his face.

“I was so awed by the Sword that I completely forgot about the Book,” replied Sendoma very defensively.

“Well you have to get….” At that moment as Oracle was walking he tripped over his beard. He fell flat on his face. After he fell, he stood right back up and said “…the Book now.”

“Why now?” asked Sendoma eager to meet his father.

“You will have to eventually get the Book, and it may take you father sometime so this is as good a time as any,” said Valentine quickly so Oracle wouldn’t flip out.

“That does make sense. So how do I get back to Valeria?” asked Sendoma.

“I will take you like I did before,” replied Valentine.

“Okay then lets get it over with,” said Sendoma with a sigh.

Sendoma walked next to Valentine, and they were teleported to the courtyard of the Valerian palace.

“Well, go get the book,” said Valentine without any expression on his face.

“How will I get back to…wherever we just were?” asked Sendoma.

“I will remain here and wait for you.”

“Why can’t you come with me?”

“I am an avoral. I fly. I am very, very uncomfortable in dungeons, caves, and anything else where I can’t fly.”

“Oh, I see. Well see you soon.” With that said, Sendoma left the company of Valentine and headed to the stairs that he had gone down to get the sword. He picked up the torch that he had used before and lit it.
He walked down the stairs to the chamber where the sword was in. He looked around for the book and saw nothing. He walked to the stand where the sword was on and looked around there. After a while, he looked up and saw another stair case in the back leading down.

Sendoma walked down the stairs until he came to a door at the bottom. He opened and walked into the room. However, Sendoma didn’t see the sleeping ogre behind the door. Sendoma shut the door and made such a loud noise that it woke up the ogre. The ogre stood up without making much noise and saw Sendoma. He ran as fast as he could at Sendoma.
Sendoma, hearing all the commotion behind him, looked behind to see a giant fist hit him very hard in the stomach. Sendoma was hit so hard that he went flying at least twenty feet. When he landed the torch slid away from him and went out.

Sendoma landed on his belly, but he was conscious. As soon as he landed, he got right back on his feet wondering how he had survived that punch. He went to grab his sword to find that it wasn’t there. He got on the ground and searched for it. He felt the hilt of a sword and grabbed it. By now his eyes were getting used to the darkness, and he saw a shadow move. He used a fire spell that would put a few sparks around shadow. However, when he used the spell, all the sparks burst into giant flares. The ogre’s body was completely in flame, and he was running around like crazy trying to put out the flame.

Sendoma, using the light, looked around the room for the torch. He saw the torch and close to it was another sword. He went to the torch and lit it so he had better light. He then looked at the sword close by and saw that it was his. He then looked at the sword in his hand and saw that it was like his without gold sparkles in the blade and it was slightly tinted red. He grabbed his sword and sheathed it. He looked around the saw the burning corpse of the ogre in the middle, and the outline of an altar in the middle of the back wall. He headed over to the altar and found the book.

He grabbed the book, with a sigh of relief, and left the room. He continued up the stairs and out of the entire dungeon system. When he got out he went to the courtyard to find Valentine flying around.

“Hey, Valentine, we can go back now,” yelled Sendoma.

Valentine flew down and landed a few feet away from Sendoma. He then noticed the beautiful sword in Sendoma’s hand and said, “Nice sword. Did you get the Book.”

“Yep, right here,” said Sendoma as he showed Valentine the Book.

“That seems to be it. Let’s go,” said Valentine as Sendoma went next to him. They teleported back to the giant marble room to find Sendoma’s father.
Last edited by stupidiot92 on Sat Apr 07, 2007 9:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
It doesn't think, doesn't feel.
It doesn't laugh or cry.
All it does from dusk 'till dawn
is make the soldiers die
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 1040
Reviews: 83
Thu Apr 05, 2007 7:52 pm
stupidiot92 says...



i am posting this cause my other stuff when they got commented their veiws soared!
It doesn't think, doesn't feel.
It doesn't laugh or cry.
All it does from dusk 'till dawn
is make the soldiers die
  





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563 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 13816
Reviews: 563
Sun Apr 22, 2007 1:16 am
Writersdomain says...



Quite good, Mike! I enjoyed this chapter immensely. I like Valentine a lot.

Your description is much, much better here; I get a very vivid feel for where Sendoma is and how the characters are reacting to all of this. This is a great character development chapter for Sendoma too.

The Motherly Voice

Throughout this story, you often mention the 'motherly voice' in Sendoma's head. This confused me. Why is there a motherly voice in Sendoman's head? I don't remember this being mentioned before. Why is it a motherly voice and not just Sendoma's thoughts?

This could be very interesting, but I feel a little more elaboration on it or a mention of it before this moment would make it clearer.

In this piece, there were also some phrasing and punctuation issues, but I've talked about this in previous chapters, and I feel that if you read over everything you have written. you can find most of these things. As for punctuation, watch for run-on sentences.

Just a suggestion: You begin this chapter with Valentine answering some type of question; I suggest writing out this question before Valentine answers it, because I kept wondering if I had missed something beginning with Valentine's answer. Even if he is answering a question from a previous chapter, still repeat it.

Again, this was good, Mike! Your description of Sendoma's actions still impresses me. I have such a hard time writing more action-filled sequences. Nice job and keep writing. On to chapter 7! PM me if you need anything! (and if you want character impression on any specific chapter, tell me)
~ WD
If you desire a review from WD, post here

"All I know, all I'm saying, is that a story finds a storyteller. Not the other way around." ~Neverwas
  








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