Young Writers Society

This is just the basic beginnings of an action story i am working on. I hope you enjoy and all critiques are welcome!

Prologue

The alarm began its screeching and flood lights burst into life as a small figure ran across the landing field. Soldiers poured out of every door, guns loaded heading for cars or running after the figure on foot. As the first guard reached the figure, she spun around, knocking the man out instantly. The woman grabbed the gun and began to shoot across the running soldiers. Every bullet met it’s target as a line of soldiers fell to the ground writhing in pain.The figure dropped the gun and fled out into the night towards the fence.

****

Captain Brenig waited outside the general’s office still holding his loaded gun. He walked through the door and stopped in front of the desk and saluted. Behind the desk sat a middle aged man in his forties with emotionless grey eyes and brown hair. His face was clean shaven but his hair was bedraggled as though he had just got out of bed, which Captain Brenig realised, he probably had. The general lifted his head and looked at the Captain for a few minutes in silence, just the sound of the alarm and the distant clattering of the trucks on grave filling the room.

‘What happened Captain?’ the General asked, his raspy voice sending chills down Brenig’s spine.

‘She escaped sir’ He replied, trying to hold the General’s gaze.

The General exploded. His rage erupting out in a series of wild gestures and spluttering.

‘I know she escaped! What I want to know is how she managed to get out of her room, passed twenty specially trained field officers and out of the base!'

‘We don’t know how sir. We only know that all the soldiers were found unconscious. Properly knocked out before they could sound the alarm.’ Brenig replied, flinching from the General's anger.

‘How long ago did she breach the perimeter?’

‘We estimate around fifteen minutes, sir. She will not have made it far through the forest at this time of night.

The General lifted his head and turned to face the Captain, the anger in his eyes pierced through him before he could turn away.

‘Do you forget who you are dealing with? Are there any casualties?’

‘Thirty wounded, two dead. Though not by her hand. They were accidents when tracking her.’

‘Well captain, this is what I want you to do. I want two squads patrolling the forest and a perimeter set up around the city. Nobody gets in or out. I also want every airport, bus station and port closed of. Anyway she could get out I want sealed. Do you understand me Captain? I want her back by dawn,’
The general was breathing heavy now and had slowly moved around his desk until he was stood in front of the Captain.

‘Yes sir!’ Brenig answered, saluting. He swiftly turned and headed for the door.

‘And Captain’

Brenig turned to see the General standing by the window, his cold eyes looking at the chaos ranging below, ‘I want her brought back alive!’

Hi, Saphira! Remember me? I dunno if you do or not, but here I am and I thought I would critique your story.

Soldiers poured out of every door, guns loaded heading for cars or running after the figure on foot

Just so you know, I'm a grammar geek. *sigh* I get picky sometimes, sorry. Now, either put a comma behind "loaded" or say "...out of every door with loaded guns, heading..."

It grabbed the gun and began to shoot across the Running soldiers

lower case "running". I know, nit-pick, but oh well

His face was clean shaven but his hair was bedraggled as though he had just got out of bed, which Captain Brenig realised, he properly had

Properly or probably?

want two squads patrolling the forest and the a perimeter set up around the city

Just read and you get hte picture. The or A?

That's pretty much all the grammatic stuff I could find. I love the story though! You gota good thing going. However, I think you could still write a touch more detail or blend the facts a bit more. Don't have to worry about that too much, though. You got a good story going on and I can't wait for more!

Blue = Change
Green = Suggestion

Saphira wrote:It grabbed the gun and began to shoot across the Running soldiers

Get rid of the capital
Doesn't sound right. add an 'at' so it's 'and began to shoot across at the running soldiers'

Saphira wrote:Captain Brenig waited outside the general’s office still holding his loaded gun. He walked trough the door and stopped in front of his desk and saluted.

You don't need the apostraphe

*cough* through

Saphira wrote:‘What happened Captain?’ the General asked, his raspy voice sending chills down Brenig’s spine.

You don't need the apostraphe.

Saphira wrote:‘Well captain, this is what I want you to do. I want two squads patrolling the forest and the a perimeter set up around the city. Nobody gets in our out. I also want every airport, bus station and port closed of. Anyway she could get out I want sealed. Do you understand me Captain? I want her back by dawn,’

Only two?

Saphira wrote:The general was breathing heavy now and had slowly moved around his desk until he was stood in front of the Captain.

Breathing heavily

Very good, Excellant, apart from the little mistakes and typos above its fantastic! Whens the next part? Who is the escapee?

~ Shadowsun

The alarm began it's ear-piecring screech and flood lights burst into life as a small figure ran across the landing field. Soldiers poured out of every door, their guns loaded. They either headed for cars or ran after the figure on foot.
As the first guard reached the figure it spun around; knocking the man out instantly. It then grabbed the gun and began to shoot across the running soldiers. Every bullet met it's target as a line of soldiers fell to the ground, writhing in pain. The figure dropped the gun and fled out into the dying light.

Alright, I just want to concentrate on the prologue. I see you mention a 'figure' here, but is that the woman the general is talking about? If so, change the figure into the woman, least you know for sure then what the General is talking about. It's also hard when you refer to an 'it', this automatically makes the charcter seem less interesting, and we concentrate too much on the text.

When the figure spun around, how did it knock the man out instantly? Round-house kick? Sleeper hold? Strike to the temple? Make sure you say why.
When the bullet met it's target, what was the target? We need to know if and how they're all going to survive.

You're also playing it risky here, which might be intentional, but the reader doesn't know what's going on. What is this woman escaping from? Why is she escaping? If you want to thrust a reader into an automatic action sequence, we need to know what we are seeing rather than just reading about a woman shooting people. I'm sure you're leaving alot in the open to add to the character development later in the story, just don't make it too late.

Other than that, just check out your prologue I re-wrote slightly, decide if you think it should sound more like that, or if you want to keep it the way you have.

Other than that, if you want some more help, PM me.
I'll be happy to oblige.

Thank you for the critiques! I have made some changes which hopefully will make it better. I made it brief because a lot more gets told later.

Thanks a lot!

Soldiers poured out of every door, guns loaded heading for cars or running after the figure on foot.

I think there needs to be some other kind of punctuation in there between loaded and heading, but I'm not sure about that. Also maybe introduce the fact that it's a woman a little earlier, because you go from just a figure and then all of a sudden you're like, "Oh yeah, it's a chick, by the way."

trucks on grave filling the room.

You meant gravel, right?

Also (just a suggestion of course) maybe write a bit more of the prologue from the girl's point of view so we get introduced to her a little more? Rather than just writing about her escape and getting fired at, maybe add a little bit more action and describe her fighting the people and running away from them?

Otherwise, this was definitely an awesome start to what promises to be an awesom story!

I didn't read the other critiques, so somebody might've already said it, but I think you should try to slow this down a bit. Break up your sentences a little more and use shorter ones.

It's got potential, and it's alright as it is, but a slower feel would be better. You could still describe a little more and give the reader some background information.

Okay, first of all, I've got to say this about Shadowsun's crit. In england, people don't use the apostrophe when refering to someones possesion. In the US they do. So before you tell them to change that particular piece of gramma, check to see where they live .

Anyway. Overall, very good saphira. I agree with bian about the changing the "figure" to a "woman" halfway through the paragraph. I think it would be more impacting if you just kept the woman as a figure for the prologue. In your next paragraph you allude to a "she who escaped" anyway, so you would still get your point across. Better, even.

Well my copy and paste function isn't working right now, so I can't quote you. I just have one comment about your first paragraph after the prologue: His face was clean shaven but his hair was bedraggled as though he had just got out of bed, which Captain Brenig relised, he probably had.

Change that to this "His face was clean shaven but his hair was bedraggled as if he had just gotten out of bed [s], which Captain Brenig relised, he probably had[/s]."

Like I said good job. Hope you can check out some of my work!

-Kylan