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Young Writers Society


Life Expectancy #2



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Mon Jun 11, 2007 3:13 am
fueledbyjoy says...



The next morning dawned with heavy blows of reality to each person. No one wanted to do anything, say anything or eat anything. Only after much convincing did Lucy make everyone change their clothes and burn their contaminated ones in a fire Jesse made in the parking lot.

“I think our next move should be to get food,” Isaac said once everyone was changed and back in the sanctuary.

“Agreed,” Hanna said. “I have my credit card.”

“I don’t think that’s necessary,” Jesse said.

“You can’t steal the food if that’s what you mean!” Hanna said.

“Look around!” Jesse said as he stood up.

“Hanna, I don’t know who runs the grocery store, but if I had a guess, I’d say no one does anymore,” Levi said quietly.

“Go get food, Jesse. Take the truck and get as much as you can...afford,” Caleb said.

Jesse agreed and left quickly.

“Does anyone else have a car here?” Caleb asked.

“I’ve got a minivan,” Path said.

“Yeah, I have my car,” Savanna said.

“Path, you and Hanna should go check to see if anyone needs help down by St. Peters. Me and Savanna will go up to Charleston,” Caleb said.
“I’ve got things covered here,” Isaac said. “I’ll see if we can get something comfortable to sleep on down here. These pews kill my back.”

“Okay, good idea,” Caleb said. “Be on the lookout for people here, also.”

“Got it. Good luck,” Isaac said.

“You too,” Path and Caleb answered. Caleb and Savanna, and Path and
Hanna left the church and headed out on the abandoned roads.


Savanna and Caleb passed three cars on their drive but not one stopped.
“Why won’t they stop to talk?” Savanna asked as another car drove quickly passed.

“They’re scared,” Caleb guessed. He pulled the car over and shut off the engine.

“I wonder if the disease is finished or if people are still...dying,” Savanna said.

“I was wondering how long it’s been going on,” Caleb said as he and Savanna climbed out of the car. They walked to an abandoned strip mall across the street. “We got sick on Tuesday. That was three days ago,” Caleb said. He and Savanna walked along the sidewalk, looking into the dark shops and restaurants for any signs of life.

“Me and my mom got sick on Tuesday also,” Savanna said. She blinked back the tears that threatened to fall.

“I’m just shocked that this could start without anyone knowing or trying to stop it,” Caleb said.

“Lucy said it was a disease she’d never seen before, the way our heart beat slowed so much and, for some – or most – people, stopped totally. Wait – look at that door. It looks like someone broke in,” Savanna said. They stopped in front of a small electronics store. The glass around the door handle was broken.

“I’ll go in and see what’s going on,” Caleb said.

“I’ll come with you,” Savanna said.

“Yeah, I figured you would.” The door swung inwards when Caleb pushed and the two walked into the store. A hollow crash sounded in the back and voices followed.

Caleb signaled Savanna to stay behind him.

“Hello?” Caleb called. Everything fell silent.

Caleb and Savanna could see two people walking slowly towards them through the dark store. It took a while to see the gun in one of the peoples’ hands.

Caleb felt Savanna tense behind him and he raised his hands beside his head.

“Take it easy,” he said. “We didn’t come to hurt you.”

The two boys stepped forward into the light from the store window. They were both younger than Caleb had expected – about 17 or 18. One of the boys had longer hair and the other had short, spiked hair but other than that, they looked identical.

“Do you know what’s going on?” the boy with the gun asked. His voice was desperate.

“Something happened, like a plague,” Caleb said.

“Is everyone dead?” the other boy asked.

“Not everyone,” Caleb answered.

“But most…right?” the boy asked.

“Look, I’d be more willing to talk if I didn’t have a gun pointed at me,” Caleb said, his hands still raised.

The two boys shifted uncomfortably for a minute before the boy with the gun lowered his arm.

“We needed a laptop, that’s why we broke in,” one of the boys said.

“Why do you need one? Every site is blocked with the ‘wait for relief’ message,” Caleb said.

“Aaron think he can hack through it,” the boy with the gun said.

“If I hook it up with the cable line, it might work,” the other boy said.

“It might,” Savanna said, “And we could find out what’s going on.”

“Okay then, get what you need and get out,” Caleb said.

“Where are you staying?” the boy without the gun – Aaron – asked. Caleb and Savanna looked at each other, wondering if they could trust the boys.

“The gun isn’t loaded; we had no intention of pulling the trigger,” Aaron’s brother said.

“We’re staying at the church just up the road,” Savanna said.

“Let me have your gun and we’ll help you get your stuff back to where you’re staying,” Caleb said.

Aaron and his brother shared a look and then the boy with the gun handed it over to Caleb.

“Keep the gun - we don’t have bullets anyway - but we’re coming with you to the church.”


Path and Hanna had been in the church youth group together and then they went to the same community college and studied law enforcement together but as they drove towards St. Peter’s, they said more to each other than they ever had.

“My brother, Levi would drive my mom crazy because he’d always turn his music up really loud when she had her quilting group over. I never understood why she’d have all of those old ladies over to make quilts but she loved it,” Hannah stopped and wiped away tears.

“My mom played golf with Mrs. Stevenson and Mr. Lewis. They’d all go out with their plaid pants and polo shirts. It was so embarrassing but now I’d give anything to see those plaid pants on her again. Why golf?” Path said.

“The only golf my mom ever played was put-put with my dad,” Hanna said. Path looked over at Hanna; she was struggling to stop crying.

“After a while, they drove up to a small county hospital. There were a few cars parked in the parking lot.

“Should we go in?” Hanna asked.

“Yeah, there might be some doctors who survived.” Path said. He parked his van and he and Hanna walked into the hospital. The hospital was quiet but the lights were bright and as they walked passed the reception desk, they saw a cup of coffee that was still hot.

“I’ll look around on this floor, you should check upstairs,” Path said. “Meet back here in 30 minutes.”

“Maybe some of the patients didn’t get sick because they were in the hospital,” Hanna said.

“I think the sickness hit everyone, no matter where they were. And it looks like only the strong survived,” Path said. He and Hanna separated – Path down the hall and Hanna to the elevator.

Almost every room in the hospital was full - full of women, children, young men and old men. But none of them had a breath of life left. Path went from room to room, finding only people’s corpses, white and unmoving.
“Oh God, help us,” he cried as he struggled to walk. He leaned against the wall, trying to catch his breath. So many people – gone forever.

“Path? Someone was calling his name. Hanna appeared at the end of the hallway. Path began walking slowly towards her. “Everyone upstairs survived the sickness! There are doctors up there also – young ones, though, about our age – and the patients survived the sickness because they were in such a sterile environment,” Hanna said excitedly. She paused as Path sank onto a couch in the waiting area. “Are you okay, Path?”

“They must have moved all of the people who survived upstairs and anyone who didn’t they must have moved down here,” Path said quietly.
“What do you mean?”

“No one on this floor…they’re all dead.”


Caleb, Savanna and the twins – Aaron and Austin Stevens – arrived back at the church just as Path and Hanna were climbing out of Path’s minivan. Hanna ran up to Savanna’s car, talking fast and loud.

“Hold up, Hanna! What’s the matter?” Savanna asked.

“It’s the water!” Hanna blurted.

“What water?” Savanna asked.

“The sickness was carried through the water,” Path said, coming up behind Hanna. “We went to the hospital. There are about fifty patients and eight nurses and doctors there. One of the doctors said that all of the patients who survived were on an IV when the sickness happened.”

“Everyone not on an IV died?” Caleb asked.

“Let me finish,” Path said. “The doctor there, her name was Kennedy, said they tested the blood of someone who died and found some…something like Cholera except without the whole puking thing. She doesn’t know what it is but it’s not normal and apparently deadly. She said not to drink the water no matter what.”

Everyone went silent.

“Did anyone drink a significant amount of water after they got sick?” Caleb asked, fearing the answer.

“A glass or two,” Austin said.

“Me too,” Aaron and Savanna said together.

“We all probably did,” Austin said.

“Who are they?” Path asked as he looked into the back seat of the car for the first time.

“I’m Austin and this is Aaron,” Austin said.

“This is Path and Hanna,” Savanna said. Then to Path she said, “We arrested them for breaking and entering.”

“Thanks,” Austin said sarcastically.

“Maybe once we got sick we won’t get sick again…” Hanna suggested.

“Let’s not take that chance,” Caleb said. “No one should drink any more water from the tap.”

“Okay then we need to get some bottled water because it’s burning up out here and I could use a drink,” Austin said.

Savanna parked the car and everyone hurried into the church, they found Isaac, Lucy and the others in a circle, heads bowed and whispering prayers.
“…only You can give the strength we need…” Isaac stopped and looked back at the group who had just entered. “Help us through, God, Amen,” he finished,

“Amen,” a few people echoed. Isaac stood up and walked over to the new arrivals.

“News?” he asked.

“We think the water carried the sickness,” Path said,

“I just drank a huge glass!” Levi said.

“Well don’t drink anymore,” Caleb said.

“If Levi get’s sick in the next 24 hours, we’ll know our guess is true,” Path said.

“Path!” Hanna hissed.

“Look,” Caleb said. “We need to get some bottled water.”

“Where’s Jesse?” Savanna asked, looking around the sanctuary.

“I don’t know,” Lucy said. “He hasn’t come back yet.”

“It’s been almost three hours,” Hanna said.

“Jesse can take care of himself,” Caleb muttered.

“Sure, but it doesn’t take someone three hours to grocery shop,” Savanna said.

To be continued...
God's thunder spits fire and sends the oak trees dancing, a wild dance, whirling; the pelting rain strips their branches. We fall to our knees-we cry out, "glory".
  





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Mon Jun 11, 2007 10:08 pm
JFW1415 says...



I like it! But you still don't have much emotion. You were getting better with the scene in the hospital, but still, wouldn't they be relieved to find people? Wouldn't Levi be scared that he drank water? And how would it be so calm and orderly-shouldn't they all be freaking out? You're story is still mainly dialogue. Add some detail, and it would be amazing.

Again, please PM me when you write more.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 196
Sat Aug 11, 2007 4:05 pm
Lady Sydney says...



Mmm... this was good. I wasn't really wowed, though, but that could be because I couldn't visualize anything. Like JFW1415 said, your chapter is mainly just dialogue. Add narration/description/detail. There was no scenary or emotion, so I didn't really get into the chapter. :wink: As for gram/punc/spell errors, I don't think I found any. And if I did find any, they were minor minor things.

So good job there. :wink: Just work on your description. You can't have much of a story with just dialogue, we need a scene. :D That's about it, though.

Good job!!

:smt049~Syd
Formerly known as Silly Sydstix... as well as Aquarius Angel.
  








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