Young Writers Society

It was a late Friday night in the heart of St. Petersburg.

A light flickered in the distance near the town's blacksmith shop.

Inside the shop worked a tall man, about six foot two, a dark brown beard, and wore the same smock he did every time he worked.

He hovered over a long board and a tear dropped to the floor and became a light steam.

He wiped his face with a cloth and worked harder than he ever did.

In the next moment, he stopped and walked to the small wood fire across the room.

He bent down and threw a couple of logs into the fire and looked to the outside where the snow lightly fell to the ground.

He became mesmerized by the pattern it fell in. He shivered and returned to the fire to douse it before he left.

He withdrew a sigh and began to say, "I...I....can't...." It was too overwhelming to finish his thought. He decided to call it a night and return home.

He closed up shop and made a small pathway through the snow.
He opened the door and sat on his bed.

He picked up what looked like some type of a letter.

He read, "My greatest treasure, I eagerly await my return to St. Petersburg.

Life in America has been a success...even though you aren't here to keep me safe. My nursing job has been rewarding.....sometimes a heart breaker. I plan on arriving back sometime in the next two weeks.

Can't wait to embrace you for the first time in months.

All my love, Emma." It had been a month since he had received that letter, which was why he was beginning to give into his incoming depression.

He sat the letter down and fell back in the bed. He began to creep into a light slumber. The snow still fell lightly all night long and morning came bright and early.

He woke to the snow still falling lightly at about 9 AM.

He raced out to find the mailman walking down the road.

He chased after him and jumped over the neighbor's fence. He shouted, "Wait, Wait! I didn't get my mail!"

The mailman started running faster, thinking that he was being chased by a madman. They both finally stopped down the road by the cow pasture. The mailman quivered as he handed him his mail.

Back inside the house, the man opened the letter he had been hoping for. It read, " Theo, I apologize that I haven't sent you any letters in the past month. You are probably wondering where I am now.

Our boat took longer than I expected to travel back. I am now in Italy; somewhere near the Alps. I will try to catch a train back as soon as this blizzard stops.

I cannot wait to embrace you for the first time in months. With love, Emma" Theo started to jump for joy and the biggest smile you had ever seen grew on his face. Last night he was the saddest he had ever been.

Now, he ran outside and back down the road.

The mailman was handing a young lady her mail.

He looked over his shoulder to find Theo chasing him again. "Oh great....and just when my day couldn't get any better..."

Theo picked up the small man and swung him around, hugging him a tight as possible.

"Thank you Frank, thank you!" "Uhhhh....you're welcome?" Theo placed him back on the ground and ran back to his shop where an older woman and what looked like to be her grandson stood in the doorway.

She asked Theo, "Dear sir, if it would be possible, could you please make four horseshoes by tonight.

Our Clydesdale needs them desperately." Theo retorted, "Why of course ma'am, I'll get right on it." She waved to Theo as she and her grandson left to head for town.

He opened the door to the shop and let out a large grin. He was surely to have a great day.

Hey Kiba,

I'd like to read this but it's killing my eyes! If you could space it I would be happy to come back and give you a big critique. So, please, PM me if/when you do. ^_^

~Sumi

i think that it was good. you should continue it. but space it out a little like ink said. keep writing!

Hmmmm....

My very first impression is that you're doing more telling than showing. You're telling us a whole bunch of stuff about this dude....do we even have a name for him yet?....

It was a late Friday night in the heart of St. Petersburg.

A light flickered in the distance near the town's blacksmith shop.

Inside the shop worked a tall man, about six foot two, a dark brown beard, and wore the same smock he did every time he worked.

He hovered over a long board and a tear dropped to the floor and became a light steam.

He wiped his face with a cloth and worked harder than he ever did.

In the next moment, he stopped and walked to the small wood fire across the room.

He bent down and threw a couple of logs into the fire and looked to the outside where the snow lightly fell to the ground.

He became mesmerized by the pattern it fell in. He shivered and returned to the fire to douse it before he left.

He withdrew a sigh and began to say, "I...I....can't...." It was too overwhelming to finish his thought. He decided to call it a night and return home.

This is not a scene. This is, in a stretched-out format, a skeleton of what could be a kick-butt scene. I'm assuming this dude is a blacksmith? Well, let's call him Smithers for now.

Drawing from the little characterization we get from this piece of writing, I see that Smithers' is extremely anxious/depressed. (My own intelligence astonishes me. ) Seeing as his love/daughter is in America/Somewhere, this is an excellent opportunity for character development.

A good way to remedy this, I think, would be to write a few scenes of this story in first-person....(I, my, me) this would allow you to get some practice with recording the details as noticed by the character, and let us to get a bit of a background story on Smithers.

Onto the nit-picking part:

He read, "My greatest treasure, I eagerly await my return to St. Petersburg.

Life in America has been a success...even though you aren't here to keep me safe. My nursing job has been rewarding.....sometimes a heart breaker. I plan on arriving back sometime in the next two weeks.

Can't wait to embrace you for the first time in months.

All my love, Emma." It had been a month since he had received that letter, which was why he was beginning to give into his incoming depression.

Should read more like this:

"He saw the words in her delicate handwriting, the paper worn smooth from many re-readings.

""My greatest treasure, I eagerly await my return to St. Petersburg.

Life in America has been a success...even though you aren't here to keep me safe. My nursing job has been rewarding.....sometimes a heart breaker. I plan on arriving back sometime in the next two weeks.

Can't wait to embrace you for the first time in months.

All my love,
Emma."

He woke to the snow still falling lightly at about 9 AM.

There are some things about writing correctly...firstly, if it is a number beneath twenty, it's customary to use the words instead of Arabic numerals. Unless it's something like, "The clock read 3:56" or something. Also, if you're using A.M. and P.M., you've really got to put the periods in there . ^_~

The mailman started running faster, thinking that he was being chased by a madman.

(Random "heehee....") But you're still telling, not showing.

Back inside the house, the man opened the letter he had been hoping for. It read, " Theo, I apologize that I haven't sent you any letters in the past month. You are probably wondering where I am now.

Our boat took longer than I expected to travel back. I am now in Italy; somewhere near the Alps. I will try to catch a train back as soon as this blizzard stops.

I cannot wait to embrace you for the first time in months. With love, Emma" Theo started to jump for joy and the biggest smile you had ever seen grew on his face. Last night he was the saddest he had ever been.

Correctly read, letter section:

"Back inside the house, the man opened the letter he had been hoping for. It read,
"Theo,
I apologize that I haven't sent you any letters in the past month. You are probably wondering where I am now.

Our boat took longer than I expected to travel back. I am now in Italy; somewhere near the Alps. I will try to catch a train back as soon as this blizzard stops.

I cannot wait to embrace you for the first time in months.
With love,
Emma." "

La, much easier to read. ^_^ Oops, his name is Theo? Short for Theodore or Theodoric? <3 I love those names. Well, I'll keep calling him Smithers anyway.

Onto the non-letter part of that section: Much telling, no showing! It's one of the largest principles in writing -- Show and don't tell. Details, honey, details.

"Thank you Frank, thank you!"


"Uhhhh....you're welcome?" Theo placed him back on the ground and ran back to his shop where an older woman and what looked like to be her grandson stood in the doorway.

She asked Theo, "Dear sir, if it would be possible, could you please make four horseshoes by tonight?"Our Clydesdale needs them desperately."

Theo retorted, "Why of course ma'am, I'll get right on it." She waved to Theo as she and her grandson left to head for town.

He opened the door to the shop and let out a large grin. He was surely to have a great day.

The first thing about this parcel of words is that it's flat. Flatter than the coke I had with dinner last night. Which isn't a great analogy, as you weren't there, but bear with me, please. :X Let us assume it was mightily flat.

Picture, if you will, the scene which I am about to pick apart.

You see the lady and her grandson standing there patiently. You hear her high, cool voice and the tune that the little boy is humming, and you can see the humungo grin on Smithers' face. Right? And you can hear the slight accent on the lady's voice, right?

Well. And you write that she has nothing better to say than her horse needs shoes.

The first thing I can say about this is that you must not have met many old ladies in your time.

Well, I have. And I can tell you one thing: There's nothing they like better than a vat of juicy gossip and a chat over a cup of tea or coffee and pastries. I can just see her beady eyes darting around the room, maybe seeing the letter clutched in his hands and one pointed eyebrow raising a quarter of an inch.

That is, if she's a gossipy gal. But you get the point, right? Characters are real people. They laugh, cry, sing, dance, joke, just like the rest of us. They betray, they sob, and little drops of phlegm come out of their nose when they have a cold.

So, overall: I'd suggest you first work on showing and not telling. Again, a few warm-up writes in a first-person context before writing every day would be ideal.

Secondly, on character development. Make them individual. Make them breathe. Make their hair green. Anything to make them become people. Give them LIFE! And yes, even describe the phlegm if you have to.

Wow, this has been a rather nonchalant 'tique....

Well, if you have any questions on my review or on the site, feel free to PM me! Welcome to the YWS!

~Sumi

P.S.
A Naruto fan, eh? We have a whole forum devoted to that. Look around, won't you? ^_~

It was reallygood for the first Chapter.
I think you should make the ' 9 AM' Nine o'clock in the morning.
Makes it more classic if you know what I mean.
Poor dude, he thought she was dead or something.
Really good.
Keep on writing.

Great story, i enjoyed reading it.
one thing though:

He bent down and threw a couple of logs into the fire and looked to the outside where the snow lightly fell to the ground.

He became mesmerized by the pattern it fell in. He shivered and returned to the fire to douse it before he left.

why would he throw some logs into the fire if he was going to douse it?
and instead of "looked to the outside" you could say "looked outside"

and im having trouble seeing in wich time this takes place. past? present? future? i think im just missing the hints or something.

great first chapter.
please pm me when the next one comes out.

vince

The only thing that bothered me here was that I think you should put the letters that he recieved in italics. It will make it more noticable. And I was wondering why Frank the mailman didn't just give him the mail in the first place, before Theo started chasing him...

anyway, it's a great read!