Young Writers Society

The big ball of fire known as the sun rose into the shadowy sky, sheeding light on every speck of land. Nightmare awoke, glancing over at Rebel Yell who was still sound asleep. Nightmare was used to waking up early, but she guessed that the foal was not. She pushed her self off of the ground, shaking her head. Nightmare and Rebel Yell had stayed up most of the night, talking. Nightmare had told Rebel Yell about the horse godesss, Mooneye. When she first spoke of the goddess, Rebel Yell listened with interest, because Mooneye was a horse, but she stood on two legs like a human. They talked about the goddes until Rebel Yell fell asleep.

Nightmare whinyed quietly, wanting to get out of the small box and run with the herd again. Craning her neck over the wooden door, Nightmare looked into the stable hallway, looking at all the caged, tame horses. Sean stalked down the hallway, stopping dead at Nightmare's stall. He looked down at the bucket of oats that was placed there the night before, bending down, he picked it up with a sneer, kicking the bucket of water over. He wouldn't be able to ride Darius for weeks because of the mustang, so he would make her suffer.

Outside of the stable, a long, black limo pulled into the driveway. When the limo came to an abrupt stop, the driver got out, and went to the back of the limo, opening the door. A young, blonde girl stepped out of the limo. She wore a brand new riding suit, and she held a leather riding crop in her right hand. Bill walked out of the stable to meet the girl.

"We'll go get her saddled for 'ya, and then bring her out," Bill said with a smile.

The girl mearly nodded her head, inspecting her manicured nails. Bill turned away, rolling his eyes, he knew there was no way in hell they were going to get the mustang saddled. Bill sent some of his best riders in to saddle Nightmare, and they went without protesting. They grabbed the saddle and bradle, and everything else they needed. Then they walked to Nightmare's stall. The stall was to small for her to buck, so they just had to get her held down. With much effort they managed to get a saddle on her back, not lose enough to fall enough, but not tight enough to keep it on to long. They weren't able to get the bridal on, so the girl would just have to manage. The riders pulled Nightmare out of the stall with the rope that was still dangiling from her neck, leading her to the riding ring.

"Are you sure she want to ride her? We don't usually let people on the mustangs without breaking them in first," Bill stated, looking at the girl.

The petite rich girl walked forward to look at her mustang, with a a nod. Walking into the ring, the girl put her foot in the stirrup as the riders held Nightmare to keep her from refusing. The girl sat in the sadle, grabbing onto Nightmare's mane. Then the riders let go....

Nightmare bucked wildly, her nostrils flared with anger. The girl hung on with her life, using the crop to beat at Nightmare's side. The riders were already starting to make bets.

"How long do you think she can stay on there?" One of them whispered.

"Not much longer, 'bout a couple of seconds more," replied another.

"Wanna bet on it?"

"Someone help me!" The girl shrieked, sweat pouring down her face.

Nightmare began to buck harder, and the girl began losing her grip. Fear clenched the young girl's stomach for she knew she couldn't stay on much longer. Then, she was thrown off, her back hit the dirt with a thud and tears flowed down her cheeks, mixing with the sweat. The girl pushed her self up.

"I want the horse killed!" The rich girl screamed, her face begginning to turn red with anger.

The girls driver rushed towards her, pulling her towards the car. She struggled, continuing to yell and curse at the people around her.

Nightmare bended her head back, trying to get to her side, which had a long, bloody gash from the crop. With a neigh, she walked to the fence of riders, maybe they could take the pain out of her side.

"That bitch!" Hissed the blonde rider, jumping over the fence and looking at Nightmare's wound. "The wound is deep...."

Silently, in the shadows, Sean punched at the air happily.

This is what the goddess Mooneye looks like:

thanks for letting me know you posted this chapter. i had no idea the story would take this route, i really like it. alot of surprises. cant wait till the next one is up.
Great Job

kim

i noticed only a few grammar errors,
in the 4th paragraph you misspelled bridle, (bradle)

also you rushed through the part when the girl gets bucked off, and then just leaves. try adding a dialoge or action, other then just getting in the limo to leave.

This story is awesome, rare on this site, to read about animals. it's a nice change. makes you stand out.


lysolstinks

Thanks for telling me about those mistakes, I will edit them sometime this week when I find the time.

Wow, this was very nice. Definitely an interesting plot-twist, I liked it.

Are you using Word to write this? If so, then it would be very easy to fix all the little spelling errors you have. Nevertheless, I will point a few of them out:

sheeding

I think you meant "shedding"?

She pushed her self off of the ground

Not sure "self" is the best word in this case. Maybe a bit of revision?

told Rebel Yell about the horse godesss, Mooneye

Only two "s"es on Godess. I liked the idea that horses have their own mythology, since it gives Nightmare more of a personality.

about the goddes until

Again, "godess" has two "s"es.

Nightmare whinyed quietly

I'm pretty sure it's spelled "whinnied". Also, is it possible to whinny quietly? Maybe a different term, such as "nicker" or "sigh" would be better? its up to you.

Outside of the stable, a long, black limo pulled into the driveway. When the limo came to an abrupt stop, the driver got out, and went to the back of the limo, opening the door. A young, blonde girl stepped out of the limo. She wore a brand new riding suit, and she held a leather riding crop in her right hand. Bill walked out of the stable to meet the girl.

WAYY to many repetitions of the word "limo" in this paragraph. Add another term, such as "car" in some places.

Again, I feel that there is a bit of a problem with the facts in the end. No stable manager in his right mind would let a young girl, especially a rich one, ride a freshly caught mustang, at least not without protesting at least a little. (I did notice that you had him thinking that there was no way she was going to let her self be saddled, so he obviously knew she was dangerous)

and the girl began losing her grip

A minor tense problem here. Should be:

"Began to lose her grip"

Nightmare began to buck harder, and the girl began losing her grip. Fear clenched the young girl's stomach for she knew she couldn't stay on much longer. Then, she was thrown off, her back hit the dirt with a thud and tears flowed down her cheeks, mixing with the sweat. The driver of the girl's limo rushed to her, picking her up and putting her in the limo. Then, he sat in the front and they drove away.

This paragraph moves a ltittle too fast, as has been said. Definitely some dialogue, maybe between the chauffer and the riders. More description as well, perhaps?


In the last paragraph, you mention the wound on Nightmare. It isn't very clear what she got it from. I am assuming it was the girl, in which case you should describe the circumstances in which it happens, other than saying that she was "beating nightmare's side with her riding crop"


Overall, I think this needs a good edit, but was a very good twist on the storyline. Your writing gives away at least some knowledge of horses on your point, and is very unusual and entertaining.

Hope this helps you!!!

PM me with comments or questions.

Edited!