Young Writers Society

$Money Money Money!$

"So, Chuck," Mr. Banks rumbled, "What are your plans to help bring in more profits?" Drew, who had been flipping intently though the pages on his clipboard, sighed quietly for the twentieth time that week.

"It's Drew, sir," he clarified, trying to hide the irritation in his voice and failing miserably.

"Drew, eh?" Mr. Banks said gruffly. "I could have sworn your name was Chuck."
Drew looked down at Mr. Bank's mostly bald head and silently wished he worked for someone else. Not only was Mr. Banks very greedy and selfish, he was also pretty ugly. He was bald except for two tiny brown patches above his ears (his hair was dyed, of course.) and was almost as chubby as he was short, which explains why he had a double chin and wobbled when he walked. And as if all of that wasn't unpleasant enough, after eight years of working for Mr. Banks, he still forgot Drew's name and, occasionaly, what Drew's job was in the first place.

Well? Are you going to answer me?" Mr. Banks said irritably, breaking Drew's train of thought.

"S... sorry, sir?" Drew studdered, having forgotten Mr. Banks had even asked a question.

"Promotions, promotions!" Mr. Banks howled, exposing his tendency to lose his temper easily. "What have you planned for a promotion?"

Drew nervously scratched the back of his neck. "I didn't have anything planned for that, sir," he muttered. "I'm your assistant... I'm going to take notes at the meeting."

"Assistant my eye! You look like a marketing planner to me, Chuck." Mr. Banks paused for a moment to press the up button on the elevator they had just arrived at, and they stepped in as the doors open. "If I wanted to remember everything that happens in my meetings I'd buy a tape recorder."

"But you were the one who hired me," Protested Drew. "And I bring you coffee every morning. And my name is Drew!"

"Coffee, eh Bill?" Mr. Banks mumbled, ignoring Drew's last statement.The elevator doors opened again and they stepped out into a long, dim hallway. "Well, I do like coffee..."

"It's Chuck, sir. I mean... Drew!" Drew scratched the tip of his nose nervously. The fact that he had repeated this conversation dozens of times before didn't help ease his irratation.

"Here we are!" Mr. Banks announced as they arrived at a large wooden door, beside a sign that read "Conference in Progress."

The two men stepped inside and took their seats at a long wooden table, where many other people sat quietly. A tall man at the right side of the table stood up.

"Hello everybody!" He announced in a high, nasaly voice. "You're probably wondering why you have been summoned here. Well, as you can see by this chart-" He paused for a moment to pull a pointer out of his pocket and jab it at a large stand where a chart stood, projecting the Nizz Barz monthly profits. "As you can see by this chart, our profits have fallen in the past four years by eighty two percent. Mr. Banks..." He nodded toward the chair where Mr. Banks sat..."Called this emercency meeting to plan a marketing strategy that will blow the competetors out of the water!"

Mr. Banks stood up and clapped. "Good show, uhhhh... Barney? No, no... well,, don't tell me, I'll get it right eventually... take your seat!" The man hurried to his chair and sat down. "Alright everyone!" Mr. Banks bellowed. "What do you have planned?"

Mr. Banks's face grew red as nobody replied, and his mustache twitched with anger. Finally someone spoke up. "I have an idea." Everyone turned to see a young man with blonde hair and a white smile. His eyes were two different colors... the left eye was blue and the right was green.

"Alright, spit it out!" Mr. Banks urged. The man stood up and walked to the head of the table.

"Well, our consumers are obsiously unhappy with our product," He said with an air of confidence. "So we need to use a promotional giveaway to make it seem more exciting! Since most of our profits come from teenagers, we need to appeal to the things they find most interesting. And to really bring in the dough we need something sensational... so tell me, what do teenagers seem to like the most?" No one said anything. "Music!" He boomed, smiling hugely. "They spend millions of dollars each year on Ipods and CDs and collectibles from their favorite bands. So, I was thinging, we sneak one backstage pass to the Screemin' Eeels concert into our candy bars."

"Of course!" Mr. Banks bellowed suddenly, appauding him. "Aren't they touring in Istanbul? Or England... or somewhere..."

"How could we possibly set that up?" Asked a woman sitting at the table. The man with the blue and green eyes smiled again. "I can take care of it. Just leave it to me."

"Alright, you get a raise!" Mr. Banks said. Suddenly his face reddened. "Er... I mean, uh... well, not a raise persay... Why don't you stop by my office for a free cup of coffee? No, um... well, you can maybe get a discount... er... Say! Aren't you new here?"

The man laughed. "Yes, sir. When should I stop by for coffee?"
Mr Banks errupted suddenly into a fit of coughing. "Coffee? What coffee? Er... meeting's over, everyone get back to work!" He tapped Drew on the shoulder. "Alright, Steve, go get me some coffee!"

Drew sighed as he followed Mr. Banks out the door. "It's Drew," He muttered.

I'll post the prologue soon. I forgot to do that first!!! It took me forever to do this chapter and then when I was done I went through and deleted almost the entire thing because it was so bulky and went into things it didn't need to. I'm up to chapter 12 in my composition book!! YAY!!! I've almost filled up the entire thing now. I might have to get a new one!! I hope the want to post stuff here will encourage me to get the thing typed up faster. PLEASE don't steal this!!! I really want to get it published if I can.

very addicting.

gracias

Okay, first of all, no one is going to steal this. For multiple reasons. And don't worry about that here, anyway. YWS is safe. One hundred percent.

I had mixed feelings about this piece. It seemed like a wierd half-baked attempt at humor and has some stylistic problems, dealing with dialogue and storyline. To tell you the truth, I didn't care about this. It was...blah. Banal, conventional, and corny. Mr. Banks was extremely hard to believe as a character and the jokes you spattered this story with fell flat. The name mix-up could have worked, but you overdid it. Repetition does not a story make. It helps sometimes, but only in moderation. Please drink responsibly, my friend.

The biggest problems I had with this piece were the dialogue tags. Avoid adverbs after "he said/she said" like the plague. No one wants them and they get incredibly repetitive after a while. Your dialgue should speak for itself. Also avoid describing how someone speaks, like the "high, nasaly" description. First of all, by doing this, you fall into the realm of cliches and second, it makes your characters caricatures. J.K Rowling suffers from this when she compares her characters to animals, so you're not alone. That same "high, nasaly" instance is a perfect example of how by subtle descriptions and not so subtle dialogue you make this piece a farce.

If it's supposed to be a farce, kudos. If not, ouch.

Well, firstly I think you should look over you story a bit more before you post. Grammar and spelling mistakes are to be expected, but you have so many in here it's a wonder if you even reread your story. Sometimes it's a bit of a distraction to those that are trying to crit and they just get a little irritated and just don't want to leave a crit, and then you're left without any opinion but your own, so I strongly suggest to look things over a bit more before posting. Okay?

Now, getting on to the actual crit, I do like the character of the boss. His personality adds quite a bit of humor into your story, which is always good. Though, I do think you could do a better job describing what he looks like. Go into further detail with it. Talk about his pants dig into his belly, or his shirt clinging to his body. Maybe a button looks like it's a bout to pop off O.O. I think you could have a lot more fun with describing him. Talk about how ugly he is, really just get down and dirty with describing him, I think that could really add a bit to the beginning of this piece.

Now, as for the meeting, I really think you need to expand it more. I think any business man or woman would love to have a meeting that short! I suggest having some arguments, get the boss's personality going, and maybe get some other people involved in there. If no one says anything, have the boss get really mad, have him start yelling, have some people get so nervous from the boss that they start sweating get into the detail of it. I really think that if you added some more detail to this, then your story will really shine.

It seems like you've got a great plot going, but you just need to add some more to it, and don't forget to check over your next posts so there aren't quite so many typos, okay? That'll help you get some more critiques sometimes.

--meow

First off: Very good. I liked the style and it flowed pretty well. I only have a few suggestions, and they're only my personal opinion so it's up to you to change them. And i also have to agree with all of what Angle said, especially looking for Spelling and Grammar. I'll help you out and point out a few, but you'll have to find the rest yourself. ^.~

Not only was Mr. Banks very greedy and selfish, he was also pretty ugly.

I'd either get rid of the 'very' and 'pretty' altogether or replace 'pretty' with 'very'. The 'pretty' just doesn't flow well.

...bald except for two tiny brown patches above his ears (his hair was dyed, of course.) and was almost as chubby as he was short,...

No need for the period in the parentheses.

Well? Are you going to answer me?" Mr. Banks said irritably, breaking Drew's train of thought.

Forgot the first quotation mark.

"Promotions, promotions!" Mr. Banks howled, exposing his tendency to lose his temper easily.

It might just be me, but i don't like how 'howled' was used there. It just reminds me of either a wolf or a monkey. Now, if that was the expression/sound you were trying to get across, ignore this.

"Here we are!" Mr. Banks announced as they arrived at a large wooden door, beside a sign that read "Conference in Progress."

No need for the comma between door and beside.

So, I was thinging,

Thinking is what you meant to say, i believe.

I really liked this first chapter and can't wait to see more!

-Ariel/Maybe

Okay, first of all, no one is going to steal this. For multiple reasons. And don't worry about that here, anyway. YWS is safe. One hundred percent.

I had mixed feelings about this piece. It seemed like a wierd half-baked attempt at humor and has some stylistic problems, dealing with dialogue and storyline. To tell you the truth, I didn't care about this. It was...blah. Banal, conventional, and corny. Mr. Banks was extremely hard to believe as a character and the jokes you spattered this story with fell flat. The name mix-up could have worked, but you overdid it. Repetition does not a story make. It helps sometimes, but only in moderation. Please drink responsibly, my friend.

The biggest problems I had with this piece were the dialogue tags. Avoid adverbs after "he said/she said" like the plague. No one wants them and they get incredibly repetitive after a while. Your dialgue should speak for itself. Also avoid describing how someone speaks, like the "high, nasaly" description. First of all, by doing this, you fall into the realm of cliches and second, it makes your characters caricatures. J.K Rowling suffers from this when she compares her characters to animals, so you're not alone. That same "high, nasaly" instance is a perfect example of how by subtle descriptions and not so subtle dialogue you make this piece a farce.

If it's supposed to be a farce, kudos. If not, ouch.

Also, avoid substitutions for "said". "Said" is a perfectly adequate word.

Your characters were difficult to believe, as I mentioned earlier. Especially dear Mr. Banks. People just don't act like that. No one that self-absorbed and so obnoxious could be in any leadership position. He sounded crazy. And if he was crazy the board would vote him out. The only character I didn't have a problem with was Drew, but he didn't have much of a personality anyway. That, I admit, will come as the story progresses, though.

Not only was Mr. Banks very greedy and selfish, he was also pretty ugly.

I would find a different word for "very" and cut out "pretty". Use words like extremely or astronomically. Something like that.

He was bald except for two tiny brown patches above his ears (his hair was dyed, of course.) and was almost as chubby as he was short, which explains [s]why he had a[/s] the double chin [s]and [/s] which wobbled when he walked.

Couple of things wrong with this sentence. A.) It doesn't flow well. The syntax isn't right. Consider separating this into two sentences and getting rid of the parathesis. B.) The underlined word does not match the tense of the story. C.) The bolded passages would work better here than the crossed-out portions.

Mr. Banks announced as they arrived at a large wooden door,

Until this point, I had no idea that they were moving. Clarify that earlier in the story.

Anyways, this could use some work. Some of the humor fell flat and the dialogue needs to be reworked, but don't get discouraged. Practice makes a good writer.

-Kylan

I didn't particularly like this chapter anyway; the story doesn't even get good at all until chapter.... four, I think. Which is very sad because I spent so much time trying to fix the first few and it didn't help!!!!
frustrated. I would just love to get rid of this chapter, but it is kind of essential to the plot line and gives small insight into the future. It angers me so! The same goes for chapter two but it is even MORE essential to the plot line and that would just make the whole thing crumble entirely. Grrrrr.

It's a rather entretaining story. Please do check your spelling mistakes and be sure to add more adjectives, for you need more descriptive manners in your story.

As for the rest, it's pretty good. I'll tell you more as soon as I can read the prologue.

Keep up with your talent,

Tessia T.