z

Young Writers Society


Forbidden to Love, chap. 1, part 1 (12+ for violence)



User avatar
25 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1493
Reviews: 25
Wed Mar 10, 2010 2:56 am
View Likes
Dragonet says...



I scowled as I tried to straighten out the ruffles on my skirt. I hated dressing up, but it was the latest fashion in the 1800's, so I couldn't do much about it.

I finished fixing my skirt and looked around the ballroom. Everyone at the party was smiling, talking, and enjoying themselves; everyone except for a man in the corner of the room. His arms were folded and he leaned casually against the wall. His short, brown hair had been tied up in a small ponytail and his brilliant blue eyes took in everything that went on in the room. I frowned in concentration as I studied him; there was something about him that puzzled me. He was somehow different then everyone else, like he didn't belong here. And yet there was something that seemed familiar, like I aught to know him; but I couldn't put my finger on it. Suddenly the man straightened and walked into a crowd of people, and I lost sight of him.

I shook my head to clear it, I was here on a mission and had far more important things to do then puzzling over who he was. I repeated my instructions. A man at the party will present a toast to good health; after that I was to go straight to the docks with no delay. There I would find eight men. I was to kill them all.

I sighed and walked over to the drinks; not because I was thirst but because I was bored. Patience was not something that I owned. I had been at the party ever sense midnight, over five hours ago, and no one had even suggested a toast. I sipped at my drink and let my brown eyes wondered aimlessly around the room. Again I saw the stranger, and again I couldn't look away. He was talking with another man now and I could tell that his English accent was strained and not natural like everyone else's. It was obvious that he wasn't really paying attention to the conversation that he was having, his eyes kept darting around the room as if he was looking for something.

And then it hit me, and I knew who he was. I didn't know how I knew... Maybe it was the way he held himself, or the way he talked. It could've been that he looked like a natural fighter, or the way he took in everything with his blue eyes. But it didn't matter how I knew; I just knew that he, like me, was from the future. He was a time traveler.

I absentmindedly took a step back and accidentally bumped in to a woman that was behind me. I whipped around to apologize.

“Oh, I’m sorry mam,” I said giving a little curtsy.

“Quite alright,” she said, and without a second thought about me she turned back around and continued to gossip with her friends.
I sighed as I straightened and looked around the party. 'I should be at a real New Years Eve party hanging with my friends instead of dying of boredom at this one' I thought.

Suddenly I could feel the man’s eyes study me, and I knew that he, too, had figured out who I was.

I slowly straightened and turned around. Sure enough his gaze was on me. When he saw that had I noticed him, he looked me in the eye and I knew that I didn’t need a reason why I knew who he was; he was my kind, and it was in our blood

I could see him barely dip his head at me, and nodded mine in return. We both understood; we had come from different times but we were here for the same reason.

The clinking of a glass filled the room and both of us whipped our heads around at the sound, as if our lives depended on it. A man was standing in the middle of the room with a glass in his hand, calling out, “A toast, I would like to call a toast to...” I didn’t here the rest I was already sprinting out the door.

As soon as I was out of sight I kicked off my slippers and threw of my skirt (revealing loose pants underneath). I hated skirts; they muffle my movements when I'm trying to run and fight. I pulled at my faded brown hair that been curled, and piled up on my head for the party. At last the bun came lose and I ran my fingers through my hair to loosen it. Shoving my unwanted clothes in a dark corner, I continued my journey towards the docks.

As I jogged past an old farm building my fellow time traveler slipped out of the shadows and sprinted to my side. I noticed that he had also gotten rid of his party clothes and was now in a loose, flexible outfit.
“So, what’s the plan?” I asked.
The clock struck six in the distance as we jogged side-by-side towards the docks.
....................................................


A few minutes later we were crouching behind a bush and scanning the docks.

“There,” whispered my partner pointing to a skiff that was slowly making it’s way towards us. I nodded, that must be it; its oars were muffled, and when the boat landed, eight men stepped out and tied it to the docks. So, these are the men who are going to ambush Abraham Lincoln I thought studying them. All of them were huge; they each had muscles exploding on every part of their body and looked like they were made out of big blocks of stone. I glanced at my partner in the moonlight; usually I like to work alone, but tonight I was thankful for some help. Abraham owes us big I thought as I continued to watch the men get out of the boat. Of coarse Abraham Lincoln was going to be murdered, everyone know that, but tonight we were here to stop them from killing him too early. Tomorrow was the day that made Lincoln famous, it was the day that changed the black forever; tomorrow he was going to sign the 'Emancipation Proclamation,' And I was here to make sure that he lived long enough to sign it.

“Remember the plan?” my partner whispered.

I nodded. My partner crept to the left, I headed to the right.

As I crept through the shadows, I fingered the hilt of my sword. Everyone thought that I was crazy that I preferred a sword to a gun; but I liked the hand-to-hand combat. Besides I was never really skilled with a gun, I mean I could use one if I had to, but it wasn’t really my kind of weapon. Anyway I was just as quick with a sword as anyone with a gun. Of course I didn’t use a regular sword, those were annoying, they're constantly bumping into my legs when I run, and they’re harder to hide. No, I use a nicciel. They’re much better because they disappear when you slide them into they’re sheath, (which was only a small ring of metal) only the hilt is left exposed.

When I had gotten to my position I looked over toward my partner. He gave me a thumbs up; he was ready for me and this was my cue. I sighed, I did not want to do this, it was going to be so embarrassing, but what choice did I have? So I stood up, and in the sweetest, girliest voice I could muster I yelled.

“Yoo-hoo, boys over here.”
Instantly they all dropped the sacks that they were carrying and looked my way (which was the plan). A couple of them grabbed their guns and pointed them in my direction.

“Who’s there?” one of them shouted.

“It’s only me,” I said stepping out of the shadows.

“Lower your guns men,” the captain ordered laughing, “you fouls were all spooked by a little girl.”

Your going to regret that order in a few moments I thought clinching my hilt. I scanned the dock for my partner and out of the corner of my eye I saw that he had already cut the skiff loose and was pushing it out to sea.

I turned back to my crowd and flashed a toothy smile at them; I saw a couple of them smile giddily and elbow their friends.

“So, you must be the captain of this handsome, strong, brave looking crew,” I said smiling to the man that I thought was in charge.

“James Biloway at your service, mam,” he said bowing low, “and yes, this sorry sight of a crew behind me is mine.” A couple of the men winked at me, others smiled, showing they’re rotten brown teeth. I groaned inwardly. I wanted to gag and tell them they didn’t have a chance, but instead I kept on smiling.

I could see my partner’s shadow behind them, and occasionally I saw his hand reach out, grab one of they’re pistils, and slip it right out of they’re holsters.

“So what’s such a lovely lass like you doing out here at this hour?” asked a gruff looking man reminding me of my task.

“Oh, um…” I stuttered. I saw my partner behind him pick pocketing his gun. I was surprised at how silent and stealthy he was, none of the men even noticed him as he crept from one to another taking their guns right out of their pockets. Even though he was quick I needed him to go faster.

“Hurry up,” I hissed to him.

“What?” the man asked.

“Oh, I said that I was out here because…” I looked around for inspiration. “I came out here to, um…” my gaze landed on fishing net and without thinking I blurted out, “to go fishing.” My partner looked up from the gun that he was taking and raised one eyebrow at me. I shrugged.

When I looked back at the men their faces weren’t very friendly any more.

“What are you really doing out here?” the captain demanded taking a step toward me.

“The real reason that I’m out here...” I started.
I glanced on my partner; he had taken the last gun and had kept it for himself. He raised the gun to the man in front of him.
I turned back to the captain and finished my sentence.

“...Is to kill you.”

“Now,” shouted my partner shooting his man in the back. Quick as lightning, I pulled out my sword and sliced below the captain's chin, cutting off his head.
The men erupted. My partner shot another man, and with two more slashes of my sword I killed one more. With my partner being the one with the gun, three of the men rushed to stop him; leaving me with only one. Out of the corner of my eye I saw my partner raise his gun for another shot, but before he could pull the trigger a big man rammed into him, sending him and the gun flying.

I felt a sudden, sharp pain in my side and I looked over to see that the man that had stayed behind had found some lose timber and was throwing them at me. He flung another chunk of wood, but this time I blocked it with my sword. I glanced back at my partner to see how he was doing; he sprung up and pulled out a sword much similar to mine.

A plank of wood spun inches past my face and I turned back around to finish this guy. I quickly strode over to him and raised my sword. As I swung it forcefully down on him, he quickly picked up a beam and raised it just in time. I drew back and hacked another forceful strike at him. This time when my when my sword hit the wood it buried two inches into it, and when I tried to pull back I found that it was stuck.

“Great,” I mumbled. With both my arms raised, grasping my sword, I knew that I was now an open target. But before my opponent could attack me I decided to do the honor. I kick him in his chest; he stumbled back, but didn’t fall. My sword loosened a crack. I kicked him again but this time I was little off my aim. The third time I raised my knee to strike he got to me first, and I flew backwards and landed on my face. My sword landed only a few inches away, I grabbed it and looked up.

I saw my partner several yards away, the men that were fighting him had found some metal poles and were swinging them viciously at him. The men were clumsy with the poles but they were extremely strong. My partner was a skilled swordsman, he blocked their strikes easily enough, but I could tell that he was tiring from having to fight three, huge men at once.

OK, time to stop playing around right at that moment I quickly spun around and thrust up with my sword. My opponent gasped and dropped the spike that he was holding over me. I quickly rolled out of his way as he crashed to the ground.

Yanking my sword out of him, I jogged toward my partner. His enemies had surrounded him. I saw two of them raise their poles, one on each side; and another sneak up behind him.

"Watch out! Behind you!" I yelled as I ran into the circle. My partner whipped around and swung a warning strike behind him. The other two men brought their poles down to hit his head but I brought my sword up to block their attack. The air rang with the impact when my sword hit the two poles. I stumbled under their strength, but managed to keep the poles from coming down on my partner's head. My grip was steadily slipping and I knew I needed some help, I couldn't hold of these guys forever.

My partner twisted around and slashed up through our metal pyramid. I breathed with relief as the weight disappeared from my sword.

But the fight wasn't over yet. The men had recovered and were circling back up, snarling at us furiously. My partner and I went back to back and glared our opponents, waiting for one of them to strike. They circle us. One of them swung a pole at me, I blocked it easily. Another struck out at my partner and he too pushed it aside. A pole swung at my legs, I bent over to block it, but, all most at the same time, one of them raised a pole above my head. The pole at my feet hit my sword with a clang and my partner blocked the one above. As my partner held off the man's pole above my head, I quickly straightened and slashed at the guy's stomach. The man cried out and pulled back, holding his hand to the small gash that I had given him.

From then on we had a pattern, one of us blocked and the other slashed. If he blocked up high, I slashed down low. If I blocked down low, then he slashed up high. Soon, all of the men had several small gashes covering their bodies.

One of the men swung at my partner and miss judged the distance; the pole hit him squarely on the ribs. My partner gasped and stumbled back, but I didn't have time to apologize because the same man thrust the pole into my stomach. I cried out as the tip pushed against my gut. I was surprised it didn't tear into my flesh; it felt like it had enough force to go right through me. Wincing, I painfully pushed it aside, forming a scrap across my stomach.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw that my partner was keeping off the other two men for me.

My opponent swung at my left, I blocked it. He swung to my right, I blocked it. He thrust at my stomach again, this time I saw it coming and I dodged it. He swung to the right, left, and then middle again.

This is a guy of one mind I thought as I blocked another strike to my left, one to my right and middle again. And then an idea came.

A left strike, and then right.
I hope this works! I thought as I jumped away from his middle strike. I blocked to the left, to the right. But this time when he thrust to the middle I quickly stepped aside, shot out my hand, and grabbed the pole. In the same motion I twisted the pole behind his back.

"Behind you!" I shouted to my partner as I flung the man at him. My partner spun around, with his sword extended, and cut almost clear through the man I had thrown at him.

Now there were only two men left but my partner and I were losing our strength. We again took up our positions, back to back. I was tired and wanted to get this over and done with, so I stepped forward and started hacking down on one of the men, leaving my partner with the other.
He was quick and blocked all of my blows, but with every strike he took a step back, and I took a step forward. I pushed my opponent up against a stack of kegs. I could tell that I was warring him down. His elbow bumped up against a wooden staff that was beside one of the kegs and he pulled it out. But even with two weapons I was still in the lead.

Suddenly I heard a cry of pain and I glanced over my shoulder to see that my partner had received another blow to the ribs. He held his hands to his side and bent over. The attacker sneered and raised his pole for another blow. My eyes widened with worry, but my partner straitened, with pain, and blocked the strike. His opponent, one after another, rained blows down on him. He swung at my partner with blows that could crush someone. My partner, in return, was able to block the blows, but I could tell he needed my help.

I turned back to my opponent and slashed at him with all my might. Quick and powerful, my strikes were weakening him. Then our weapons locked, my sword and his pole. I swirled them around and, with a powerful slash, I sent the pole flying. He frightfully held the wooden staff, now his only defense, in front of him. I swung at it and managed to hack my sword far enough into it to get it stuck. With a quick yank upwards, I freed it from his grasp and caught it in my hand. Swinging it down over his feet, I sent him to the ground.

I threw a quick look at my partner to see how he was doing. The man was still hammering dangerous blows down on him. Suddenly he swung a powerful blow at his head, and my partner's block didn't get there fast enough. With a cry he crumpled to the ground. I gasped and quickly stabbed my opponent to finish him off. When I looked back, I saw that the man had taken my partner's sword. The man placed his foot on his gut and pressed down, grinning evilly. My partner groaned and wriggled with pain from under pressure. The man leaned forward, putting his entire wait on my partner, and raised the sword above his throat. I knew I couldn't get there in time. Thinking fast, I whipped my dagger out of my boat and quickly chucked it. It buried in the man's back with a thud and he crashed to the ground.


It was over. I wiped my blade in the grass and slid it into its sheath. My partner had his hands on his knees and was breathing hard. I could tell that his ribs were paining him and there was a small cut on his head, but besides that he looked OK. When I walked over to him he straightened and smiled.

"Thank you...?"

"Ree'ah," I said offering my hand.

"Ree'ah, nice name. Thanks Ree'ah, you saved my life," he said taking my hand. "I'm Kace." I smiled in greeting.

"We had better get rid of these bodies," I said surveying the dock and the mess we had made.

"Right," Kace agreed.
......................................................


"Well, that's it," I shaded my eyes from the rising sun and admired our work. We had thrown the bodies into the sea and had cleaned up as much blood as we could. "I have to be going, it was nice meeting you," I said turning to leave.

"OK. Hey, you headin' west?" he asked, indicating the direction that I was heading.

"Ya," I said cocking my head curiously, "Why do you want to know?"

"Well I'm also going that way. Mind if I walk with you?"

"Sure," I shrugged. I spun on my heal, not waiting for him to catch up to me. He jogged to my side.

On the walk back through the town I saw that people had already awaken and started on their chores, although the sun had only just begun to rise. After picking up my party clothes, we headed to the woods.

We walked in silence.

At last I saw the bush that I had left my stuff. I turned towards it and Kace followed. I reached in the bush and pulled out my backpack.

"Well, I guess I'll see ya later," I said to Kace, pulling the keys out of the bag and twirling them on my finger. He raised his hand in farewell before spinning on his heal and walking away.

After I made sure he was gone I pulled out my modern-day clothes.
I could not wait to get into my jeans again. As I changed into my light blue tank I looked down at my scrape. It looked horrible. A blue and purple bruise had already started to grow and a red streak showed the trail that I had made when I had pushed the pole away. Thankfully I had medicine in my pack. It really didn't hurt that bad, it looked a lot worse then it felt. The throbbing had stopped, now it was just mildly sore.

I finished rubbing in the medicine and pulled my jade green hoodie over my head. I looked down and admired the blue vine/leaf pattern that crawled up the sleeve and decorated the pocket, this was my favorite shirt. It was soft and comfortable, while also light and flexible. The sleeves slid down over my wrists and the neckline was low enough to expose the tank underneath. My stonewashed, bell-bottom jeans finished off the outfit.

As I started brushing back my thick, dirty blond hair (that was more brown then blond) into a messy bun, I couldn't help thinking about Kace. He was good fighter and we had worked well together, but it was something more than that.

A thought came to mind that I was in love, but I quickly pushed it aside. We had only just met, I've only seen him once; so me being in love was a ridiculous idea. Right?

I bent over to tie my tennis shoes.

My mother had repeatedly warned me about love, "Love is a weakness," she would say. I had never been in love, and I didn't expect to any time soon. Any way, he was gone now. And besides he probably lived in another time zone; I pushed him out of my mind.

Getting up from the ground, I placed my nicciel hilt in my pocket and pulled out my keys. I pushed the button on my keys, but nothing happened. Usually my time-port, which was invisible, would appear. But like I said, nothing happened. I pushed them again, nothing happened. I frowned at the keys, 'that's odd' I thought pushing the button, 'I've never had this happen before.'

I pushed the button seven more times and when, again, nothing happened I began to panic. I was in a different time, a different century, with no way of getting back home. I couldn't stay here, how would I live? I needed shelter, food, and money. There was not one person on the earth that I knew, well I knew people from history, but they didn't know me. The only way that I could get home was to find another time-port, but to have a time-port there needed to be Time-Travelers. But didn't even know if there were any Time-Travelers in the 1800's, and even if there were it would be impossible to find them.

And then remembered; I did know a Time-Traveler, and he was close by... if he was still here.

"Kace?" I called softly; I didn't want to raise any suspicion from any one that might be near by. Then again I was desperate. "Kace!" I screamed. No one answered. Blood and violence I could handle, but stuff like this made me terrified; I did not want to get left behind.

"Kace!" I called again, but still no answer. I grabbed my backpack and started sprinting in the direction that I thought he had gone.

I ran through the woods calling out desperately, "Kace! Kace!" hoping that he would answer. I knew it was useless, he had probably left; I would be left here to fend for myself. But what if he was still here and I only had to run a little ways to see him. What if he was getting in his time-port right now and I wasn't there to stop him because I had given up, because I had given up I would have to spend the rest of my life here. Stranded. With that thought I called his name again and ran faster, my eyes peering behind every bush and scanning every shadow.

As I sprinted around a tree I saw something rushing at me and before I could stop, we collided. I looked up see Kace's blue eyes looking worriedly into mine. I was so relieved to see him that I wanted to kiss him. But I didn't, instead I collapsed into his arms; my fright had physically exhausted me. He tilted my head up so that I had to look at him in the face.

"Ree'ah, what's wrong?" he asked me, his eyebrows were bunched together with concern and his eyes searched my face.

"My time-port disappeared... I didn't know what to do... I thought you had left..." I managed to stutter, embarrassed. I saw his hand gripping his sword and I knew he probably expected me to say that someone was after me.

"Oh," he said letting go of his weapon, "you sure?"

"Yeah, I pushed the button about ten times and nothing happened."

"OK. Well you can ride with me."

I sighed with relief, "Thanks Kace."

"No problem," He shrugged as he started to walk away, "Besides I owe you."

I rushed to his side and looked him over. He too had changed into his clothes. He had on a deep purple tee that had wispy, black designs on it. There were rips and skids on his dark, skinny jeans; and black and white sneakers on his feet. His figure looked lean, yet sturdy. I could see that he was extremely strong for his age, but his muscles didn't ruin his figure by lumping on his shoulders or giving him a blocky form. His dark brown, molasses colored hair was no longer tied up, but lay loose around his head. It wasn't as long as I had thought it would be, it just tickled the bottoms of his ears. His bangs were flipped over one eye and they brushed against his dark lashes. He had very detailed blue eye that looked serious and understanding, but I could also see fun and humor sparkle in the corner.

My heart started beating faster, even though I constantly reminded it of my mothers warning.

Kace came to a stop beside a bush and his time-port appeared in front of him. He leaned over to pull his backpack out of the shrub. Unzipping the backpack, he pulled out a black, hoodless jacket.

"Just let me finish getting ready," he said putting his arms into the jacket. I nodded and leaned against a tree as I waited; apparently I had interrupted him. He finished getting into his jacket and bent over to tie his shoe. After he had finished he looked at his reflection in the time-port and ran his fingers through his hair. He leaned closer and peered at himself, shaking his hair and then flattening it. Finally he sighed and turned around.

"Do I have any more blood in my hair? I tried to get it out, but..."

I walked over to him and stood on my tiptoes to inspect the cut on his head. It was just above his ear and to the left; I raised my hand and picked out stray pieces dried blood. I realized what I was doing and what it must look like, and I stepped back embarrassed. "I got it all," I mumbled looking down.

Kace looked at me and nodded, "Thanks." I could feel my cheeks redden. I quickly grabbed my backpack and hopped into his time-port. He grabbed his and stepped in.

"2013," I told him.

"What?"

"2013," I repeated, "Don't you need to know where I live?"

"Sorry, I forgot to tell you. I have something that I need to do at my place first. Do you mind?"

"Yes," I said thinking of the meeting with the Time-Travelers that I was supposed to be attending in fifteen minutes. "What do you have to do? Is it important?"

"Yes," he said staring the time-port, "Band practice."

Before I could reply the time-port whizzed ahead.

When the time-port came to a stop I turned to Kace. "Band practice? You’re joking, right? That's what's so important?" I reminded myself that he had saved me from being stranded and I changed my tone. "Please, Kace, I'm due for an important meeting with my Time-Travelers counsel." Surely he would understand that.

"Sorry, Ree'ah, but this is important to me." he said stepping out of the port.

'What about what's important to me?' I wanted to shout, but I didn't; I knew that he had saved me, so I kept my mouth shut. But seriously, band practice over an important meeting?

"You coming?" Kace called over his shoulder. He was already halfway down the alley that we were in. I rolled my eyes and grabbed my backpack. The time-port disappeared as I stepped out and ran to his side. Once again we walked in silence.

As we walked through the city I looked around and guessed that we were in the 2100's. For one thing the buildings were bigger and better. Another thing was that the cars hovered at least a foot above the ground. But the main reason that I knew was because I had been on a mission at 2178 and this place looked similar to that time zone.

Kace stopped in front of a building, walked around to the back, and headed for a door that looked like a back entrance. Reluctantly I followed.

"How long will this take?" I asked stopping him before he walked in.

"Two hours," He shrugged, "maybe less." He reached for the handle.

Yep I thought my meeting will totally be over by then. I came up behind him and tried one more time. "You know, I did save your life."

Kace let go of the handle; and, with out turning around, he replied, "I know, thank you. With out you I wouldn't be here today." He turned around. His face was so close to mine now that when I opened my mouth I couldn't think of anything to say. I stood there, not sure of what to do with him being that close, and kept my focus on his shirt coaler. Kace, too, looked off guard; apparently he didn't realize I was right behind him.

But when I raised my gaze I saw that his blue eyes were staring passionately into mine. Our faces were so close together that when he breathed I could feel it gently tickle my cheek. My heart started beating faster again, but this time I didn't try to stop it.

"Thank you," he repeated in a whisper, and for an instant his lips touched mine. Then they disappeared as he stepped inside and closed the door behind him.


Falling against the brick wall of the building, I closed my eyes as many strange, new emotions flooded through me. I couldn't believe what had just happened. Though part of me was excited, the other part was pulling at my joy and reminding me of my mothers warning. How could love be a weakness? I thought; from the way I feel I would have thought that it was more like a strength. I felt more joyful and free then I have ever felt.

I stayed there, leaning against the wall, for about another ten minutes. At last I looked down at my watch and sighed as I remembered my meeting. Did Kace really have to do his band practice? The Time-Traveler counsel hated it when people were late, but for me to completely miss the meeting I would have to have a pretty good excuse for not being there, and something told me that band practice wasn't quite what they were looking for.

If only the time-port could travel through minutes instead of years I wished. I remembered when my mom had first explained to me how the time-port had worked; she had to tell me a couple times before I got it. The way that she had explained it was by saying that if it was 2009, March 3, 10:47 am. Then I could get to any year that I wanted to, but no matter what year I went to it would still be March 3, 10:47 am. So that was the reason why I had done this mission on New Years Eve, because the men were going to attack Abraham Lincoln before he signed the Emancipation Proclamation that freed the slaves, on December 31.

I cast a glance in the direction that we had come from and wished that I had asked Kace if I could borrow his time-port. Oh well I thought with a sigh he probably wouldn't have let me use it any way.


Suddenly I heard screams from inside the building and I straighten with a start. Grabbing my backpack, I rushed over to the door and yanked it open. The door closed behind me with a thud and I found myself in a small, dimly lit hallway. There were two doorways, one on either side of the hall. I set my backpack on the floor and lifted my hand to my chin in concentration as I looked from one door to the next. The screams grew louder and I knew I didn't have time to think it over; I quickly opened one of the doors and stepped through. It lead to a huge room/hall. To the right end of the room I could see a pair of big, double doors that led outside; I guessed that it was the front door of the building. On the other side it went on for a ways and then turned to the left. I started to head for the turn, but then stopped and went back as I realized that I had left my backpack in the other room.

When I got to the door I grabbed the handle and tried to turn it, but it was locked. Great. Just Great. I thought jiggling the handle. Finally I gave up with a sigh and turned back to face the room.

I studied the room more carefully and noticed a pair of security guards at the end of the room by the door. They were talking to each other and hadn't noticed me yet. I saw more outside, and another farther down the hall to the left. I reached my hand into my pocket and grasped my nicciel hilt. Reassured by the hilt I took a step forward. The guards glanced at me but didn't seem interested and continued their conversation without stopping. I frowned in confusion; whose side were they on? If they were the good then why were they not concerned about the people screaming and in distress? If they were the bad then why were they letting me pass? I continued to walk down the hallway, but all of my senses were alert and my muscles were tense for anything that might happen. As I neared the end of the hall I noticed that the screaming that I heard didn’t sound like it was because of fear or distress, but from enjoyment.

When I had gotten to the corner I turned it. The room that I came to was much more busier. There were all sorts of tables and stands with people behind them all.

The screaming grew suddenly louder and then it stopped as a loud chanting took its place. By now I was so confused I didn't know what to think or do, none of this made sense. I had never heard anything like this. I did notice that the noise was coming from behind some doors that were at the end of the room; I headed that way, though still unsure of what was going on. A lady stood in front of the doors and I tensed as I neared her.

She smiled at me. When I came closer she asked, "Are you Ree'ah?"

I gripped my hilt harder and my arm was tense and ready to slash it out. "Depends on who wants to know." I replied, I wasn't about to give away my identity to just any woman that asks.

My answer must have seemed humorous to her because her smiled with amusement. "You can go through," she said waving her hands to the doors behind her. I glared at her suspiciously but walked on by her, towards the doors.

I opened the doors, and my mouth opened in surprise. What I saw was a huge room. The lights were down and dim, only a couple of spotlights dotted the ceiling. The room was filled with thousands of screaming girls chanting, "Kacey, Kacey, Kacey." And there, in the center of the stage, with a microphone in hand, stood Kace.
Last edited by Dragonet on Fri Jul 09, 2010 9:04 pm, edited 15 times in total.
I'm a JESUS FREAK!!!

Do you have any idea why a raven is like a writing desk?
  





User avatar
25 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1493
Reviews: 25
Wed Mar 10, 2010 3:03 am
Dragonet says...



Ok, so I realize that this is kind of long (ok so maybe it's really long) but that's the way chapters are supposed to be, right?

I have a challenge for all of you. I want everyone that reads this to comment on it. So when it says that my story has been viewed 23 times I want to see 23 comments. I don't care if you write something as simple as It was good or I didn't like it, but please just comment. Are you up for the challenge?
Last edited by Dragonet on Sat Mar 13, 2010 1:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I'm a JESUS FREAK!!!

Do you have any idea why a raven is like a writing desk?
  





User avatar
28 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 6200
Reviews: 28
Wed Mar 10, 2010 4:04 am
fries says...



I'm game!
Okay I absolutely love this story already, I know this is for science fiction but change it to romance because I definitely cant wait to see how the turn out of the two lovers is gonna be. But yeah i love the time traveling part- this is the type of novels I get interested in. And just by the title Forbidden to Love- that hocked me. Love the way you finished it, but then I don't because you left me hanging :). I just cant wait for the rest! Keep going this is amazing! And because I hungry for more :D
If you love something, let it go.
If it was meant to be, it will come back to you.]
  





User avatar
98 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 14091
Reviews: 98
Sat Mar 13, 2010 2:29 am
curiousvampire says...



yes its extremely long and it even gave me a headache to read but at least I completed and here's my review with a smile .I like it so far but I think its best as a romance not a sci-fi story.And now that I gobbled this appetizing meal I'm ready for the next course. :elephant:
"I became insane,with long intervals of horrible insanity."

"Their ideology is that human nature is fundamentally evil.In other words, humans are evil from the day they are born."

"Human is beatiful. Perfect is boring."
  





User avatar
26 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 352
Reviews: 26
Sun Mar 14, 2010 11:14 pm
servant4christ says...



Hello my dear friend, I haven't had time to read this whole thing through but yes, I agree it is a tad bit too long...maybe more than a tad...but fear not! I have a solution! Why don't you cut it at the part when she realizes that her time port is missing! Like end at this line, "And then remembered; I did know a Time-Traveler, and he was close by... if he was still here." you don't have to, but that wold shorten it up and leave a nice cliff hanger for us all to drool over :) I still REALLY like your story and I am begging you to continue!!! Even the elephant will dance for you to do it :elephant: see! :) The elephant doesn't just dance for anyone :)
Sometimes you've just got to accept the way things are and move on, but not us...
  





User avatar
57 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4569
Reviews: 57
Mon Mar 15, 2010 6:07 pm
Nephthys says...



Dragonet wrote:it was the latest fashion in the 1800's


I'd cut out the "in the 1800s". Your reader will get that from the rest of the story.

Right off the start, I'm getting the idea that your character may have Rebellious Princess Syndrome.

Dragonet wrote: I finished fixing my skirt and looked around the ballroom.

I don't think you need to say "I finished fixing my skirt." The reader will get that.
Dragonet wrote: brilliant blue eyes

Thank you so much for not saying "piercing blue eyes"!
Dragonet wrote: I frowned in concentration as I studied him

Generally I "verbed" in "noun" sounds tacky.
Dragonet wrote:like I aughtought to know him;

Dragonet wrote:not because I was thirsty but because I was bored

Dragonet wrote: Patience was not something a quality that I owned. possessed.

Dragonet wrote: I had been at the party ever sense since midnight,

I would say "I had arrived at the party at midnight" instead.
Dragonet wrote:and let my brown eyes wondered wander aimlessly around the room

Dragonet wrote:that his English accent was strained and not natural like everyone else's

What does everyone have an English accent? Aren't they in America? In Gone With the Wind they all have southern accents.
Dragonet wrote: He was a time traveler.

YAY! TIME TRAVEL :)
Dragonet wrote: I absentmindedly took a step back and accidentally bumped in to a woman that who was behind me.

Dragonet wrote: I knew that I didn’t need a reason why I knew who he was


This sentence does not make a whole lot of sense.

Dragonet wrote:both of us whipped our heads around at the sound, as if our lives depended on it.

I would cut the "as if our lives depended on it". It seems awkward.
Dragonet wrote: As soon as I was out of sight I kicked off my slippers and threw of my skirt (revealing loose pants underneath).

Alright, because you mention Abraham Lincoln, I'm going to assume this is around 1860. In which case, she would certainly be wearing more than a skirt. She'd probably be wearing several petticoats, crinolines, a corset and a hoop skirt. I don't think they would be that easy to remove.
Dragonet wrote: “Yoo-hoo, boys over here.”

I don't think anyone is dumb enough to fall for that line. Maybe try a different one.
Dragonet wrote: “you fouls fools were all spooked by a little girl.”

How old is she???
Dragonet wrote:
Your You're going to regret that

Dragonet wrote:I thought clinching my hilt.

What? "clinching" ?
Dragonet wrote: I scanned the dock for my partner

"My partner" is getting a little repetitive. Maybe you could give him a name?
Dragonet wrote:The men erupted.

Are they a volcanoe?
Dragonet wrote: One of them swung a pole at me,; I blocked it easily.

Dragonet wrote:I was warring wearing him down

Dragonet wrote: But even with two weapons I was still in the lead.

This makes it sound as if the main character has two weapons, not the guy she's fighting. Also "in the lead" sounds like a sports thing. I would say "I still had the advantage" instead.
Dragonet wrote: "Ree'ah," I said offering my hand.

*cringe* I'm not a fan of names with apostrophes.
Dragonet wrote:before spinning on his heal heel and walking away

Dragonet wrote:dirty blond hair (that was more brown then blond)

I'm just confused now. You've described her hair as brown twice, now you're adding in dirty blonde? I think it might be easier for your reader if you pick one and stick with it.
Dragonet wrote: instead I collapsed into his arms; my fright had physically exhausted me

Yes, I realize she's scared, but you just made her seem lame. She can kill a bunch of tough guys, but being scared makes her fall over?
Dragonet wrote:He had very detailed blue eyes that looked serious and understanding, but I could also see fun and humor sparkle in the corner.

I think this sentence is a little too tacky.
Dragonet wrote: As we walked through the city I looked around and guessed that we were in the 2100's. For one thing the buildings were bigger and better . Another thing was that the cars hovered at least a foot above the ground, and it seemed to be around the same time period as a mission I had once been on in the year 2178.
But the main reason that I knew was because I had been on a mission at 2178 and this place looked similar to that time zone.

Still awkward, but I think it's a little better.
Dragonet wrote:Kace stopped in front of a building, walked around to the back, and headed for a door that looked like a back entrance. walked around to the back door.

Dragonet wrote: So that was the reason why I had done this mission on New Years Eve, because the men were going to attack Abraham Lincoln before he signed the Emancipation Proclamation that freed the slaves, on December 31.

Don't need to explain this in such detail.
Dragonet wrote: If they were the good guys then why

Dragonet wrote: I heard didn’t sound like it was because of fear or distress, but from enjoyment.


How about "the screams I heard didn't sound like cries of terror, they sounded like screams of excitement".

NOOOOOOOOOO :( Why is he a rock star? :(

Overall


I really like the concept for the story! Time travel is always fun :)
I also like that you didn't tell us about Abraham Lincoln and Time Travelling all at once, I like that these things were revealed to us slowly.

I wasn't really a huge fan of your main characters. They didn't seem to have a lot of personality. All we knew about them at the end of story was:

Kee'ah:
- is a super tough time traveling assassin
- doesn't like to wear skirts

Kace:
- is a super attractive time traveling assassin
- is also a rockstar...

These characters are very two dimensional. They are quite Mary-Sueish
If you want to know more about what exactly makes your characters Mary Sues and how you can avoid it, takes the Mary Sue Litmus test or you can take This other Mary Sue Test, which is also good :)

Give them some flaws! Maybe Kace has personal hygiene issues or is tone deaf, so he's actually a terrible rock star. Maybe Kee'ah is cruel to small animals, or is a know-it-all

I thought that you made the characters fall in love too fast. They meet each other for one night, know almost nothing about each other, and somehow "love" is mentioned as a possibility. It was a little unrealistic.

You definitely caught my interest, and held it for most of the story, even though it was quite long (I thought the fight scene might have been a little too long). I'm definitely interested to find out more about the rules of time travel in your world, and the time travel committee.

:)
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- There is no sin except stupidity - Oscar Wilde -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
  





User avatar
25 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1493
Reviews: 25
Wed Mar 17, 2010 11:33 pm
Dragonet says...



OK you guys, I took servant4christ's advice and made it shorter. I'd like to thank everyone who commented (apparently no one else agreed to my challenge :( ) oh well.
I also changed some of the things that nephthys pointed out (thanx for the help, as you may have noticed I'm not that great on my grammar/spelling)
Last edited by Dragonet on Tue Mar 23, 2010 3:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I'm a JESUS FREAK!!!

Do you have any idea why a raven is like a writing desk?
  





User avatar
204 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 15914
Reviews: 204
Sun Mar 21, 2010 1:52 am
View Likes
crescent says...



D: You cut parts out... I read it before you cut stuff out and it didn't give me a headache... I kind of like the old version a little better... I liked how it ended with the band and all... I guess it might be a long chapter for some people, but I like long chapters and so do a lot of other people.

Any way, he was gone now. And besides he probably lived in another time zone; I pushed him out of my mind.

It should be "anyway" instead of "any way". You can put a comma after "And besides". It sounds better.

Loved the chapter, I need to read your second one. XD *likes*

-Crescent
Please take care to use good grammar when making a post!

"grammer" 1519 matches on YWS *twitches*

Rydia is the ruler of the world. :(
  





User avatar
553 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 58538
Reviews: 553
Sun Mar 21, 2010 10:37 am
MiaParamore says...



Do you have a prologue for this or this is where it starts from.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





User avatar
25 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1493
Reviews: 25
Tue Mar 23, 2010 3:50 pm
Dragonet says...



Shubhilove2write- No, I do not have a prologue, this is where it starts.

Crescent- The part that I cut out is now the second chapter (it's in romance fiction if anyone is interested in reading it)
I'm a JESUS FREAK!!!

Do you have any idea why a raven is like a writing desk?
  





User avatar
193 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 23443
Reviews: 193
Tue Mar 23, 2010 4:06 pm
Lydia1995 says...



Hello Dragonet I am here to review as you requested!

I really liked this. Ok so one thing that really bugged me...

I scowled as I tried to straighten out the ruffles on my skirt. I hated dressing up, but it was the latest fashion in the 1800's, so I couldn't do much about it.


I don't like the obvious mention of the 1800's here. You should show us the era that you are writing about rather than simply telling us in the first sentence. There is good description in this little bit though and that is the first step to "showing vs telling"

Now lets talk about things in general...

Characters

I like that you wrote this in first person because it allowed for personal feelins which I think this needed. I don't think that you used the first person to its full potential though. You could have really expressed your MC's feelings but you didn't. It would be great if we could get to know Ree'ah and Kace better. I don't like the way you kept referring to Kace as 'my partner' it makes it sound like your Ree'ah is married to him at the beginning or something. We need to know his name earlier on I think. :D
Brilliant characterisation of the men at the docks by the way, you just need to give us more information on your main characters. :D

Plot

So time travel has been done multiple times before now but I think you made it fresh. I like a bit of time travel, well done. I liked the idea of having them both there and I assume that wasn't a coinsidence. I'll be interested to see where this is going to go.

I'm so sorry that this took so long. I hope that it was helpful. I will read chapter two sometime because I understand that you shortened this and put the cut bits into another chapter.

Well Done!
Keep Writing
~Lydia
Thinking about what you COULD achieve will get you no where. You've got to chase your dreams.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=188&t=92400 - Need a review?
  





User avatar



Gender: Female
Points: 690
Reviews: 1
Tue Mar 30, 2010 8:25 pm
Spwills says...



I love your idea and I love your main character . There is something dictinctive about her voice, the way she talks. But I feel like you've introduced the idea of her falling in love with a man she has just met a little too soon . It seems sort of unrealistic to me. Well, that's my opinion. I like it though ! :) Good Luck .
  





User avatar
25 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1493
Reviews: 25
Sat May 08, 2010 4:52 pm
Dragonet says...



Ok guys, thanx for all the help. This may sound really dumb, but I didn't even think about the characters being to perfect, I guess my plan was to make everyone like my story because they wanted to be just like my perfect characters. So thanks for making me realize it. I promise that the story gets more exciting and less perfect in the next chapter. In chapter two you'll find out why they're forbidden to love each other. I know you guys will love it! But I'm kind of at a writers block so I need some encouragement to continue.
I'm a JESUS FREAK!!!

Do you have any idea why a raven is like a writing desk?
  





User avatar
57 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 5339
Reviews: 57
Thu May 20, 2010 3:04 am
Junglelover says...



I read the first part of it, but i have to go to bed.
I will read later, just comment because you wanted the views and the comments to be the same. :D
Charlie Bucket: You can eat the grass?
Willy Wonka: Of course you can! Everything in this room is eatable, even *I'm* eatable! But that is called "cannibalism," my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.
  





User avatar
57 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 5339
Reviews: 57
Fri May 21, 2010 1:59 am
Junglelover says...



Okay I'm done reading!
I really like it! :D
I think you should put something about how she felt about killing people. Had she ever killed someone before?
I kinda think that Ree'ah should of left her party cloths on, i don't know why but it seems better that way.
Well I hope I was some help too you.
Charlie Bucket: You can eat the grass?
Willy Wonka: Of course you can! Everything in this room is eatable, even *I'm* eatable! But that is called "cannibalism," my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.
  








cron
it's ok, death by laughter was always how i've wanted to go out
— Carina