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The Perfect Devil: Chapter 4



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Wed Sep 22, 2010 10:34 pm
LastPaladin says...



Chapter 4

There something about Churches at night, they’re no longer the welcoming sanctuary for wounded souls to escape torment, from the likes of murderers, rapists and other malign bastards of the night. It was like at night, all the trappings of holiness were dropped and instead the demons could cavort now in grotesque orgies while the face of Jesus Christ watched over them, ashamed of us. The long wooden pews the unending walks to the altar the windows coloured to be a beautiful, and also mysterious, now emanated only terror. No these vast wooden doors didn’t lock out evil, they let it in, only at night. But a farce was a farce no matter what face it wore.

Perhaps Ruby was part of satanic ritual the likes Stephen King had intense wet dreams about. Yeah as much as that made sense in nonsense land, this was reality, and well I was technically stalking Ruby, but it was for her own good, she wasn’t allowed out of University so what was she doing going to a Church?

Fuck knows but I was freezing and a look at my cell phone told me exactly what I didn’t want to know, it was past midnight and I was following a lunatic, remind me Graham how the hell do I get into these situations?

Finally catching sight of her, I slowly moved towards the nearest headstone, near smashing my head on a low branch, tripping over small graves and making as much noise as possible, Solid Snake I am not.

Growling to myself, I sat ever so quiet, soaking my ass on the dew. You think spying on someone is fun way James Bond does it. It’s not; it’s cold, dull and quite literally terrifying.

But, low and behold she hadn’t heard me; I breathed a sigh of relief and got to my watch.

Crouching carefully, I peeked over tentatively. There she was, and oh god I’d been an idiot she was crying at a grave and didn’t take Sherlock Holmes to work out it was Malcolm’s grave.

Turning I began to run, this time smashing my head on the trunk.

The weeping subsided and a voice yelled out straining, “Who’s there?”
And at this point all I could think of, was Simple Simon was a pieman, but why was he a pieman with name like Simon. As I pondered the great mysteries of this, a thought struck me. Not a thought a hand.

Sitting up groggily surveyed my head with my hand before a face came into focus.

Uh oh.

“Right you will tell me slowly keeping hands where I can see them, why you followed me?”

It was obvious she was terrified, we’ll just forget chance I may have brain damage then I guess.

“Ow my head...” stroking my pain I saw her in the moonlight, her beautiful pine eyes, the little overbite, her mascara dripping like oily tears and striking blond hair flowing from her crown. Maybe it was my lack of cognitive function but at this point she was gorgeous.

“You deserved it. Now get up before I finish off what the tree did.”

Stumbling up, I cradled my dinging head, as my brain reverberated in my skull.

A look of sympathy struck her, before she resumed her stern composure, “I want to believe you killed Malcolm, but considering how much you fucked up your little espionage mission I can’t. And you’ve no idea how much that really makes me mad. I thought I had it all worked out...”

I could only just nod.

“You had motive, you had means, but fuck you’re a moron when it comes to a simple task of being quiet.”

Saying nothing I let her continue.

“He was a genius you bastard, a genius, he was going to be part of Mensa. It was going to be perfect, I’d become the Therapist and he would become anything he desired. Then that bitch...”

“Who...”

Ruby shrugged as if she hadn’t heard him, “It doesn’t matter... not like I can prove it. Everyone thinks I’m freaking mad. Mr Gilmour humiliated me in front of the class. Honestly why couldn’t you have smashed his brains in Graham, least I could get a fucking rest? Why couldn’t you have splattered his brain matter across the walls huh? I’m 22, I don’t need this!” With that last yell she began to whimper, turning into absolute bawling.

“ He had a future, why couldn’t you have made them choose me Graham. Is it because you want to fuck me, you want make me scream you’re name.”

She bent low and shook her ass, “You want that, that’s why you didn’t get them to do it. And right now I wouldn’t care if you did, it’s not rape, I want to be punished. He was my younger brother.”

Trying not to look, I ignored her provocative advances.

“Oh I get it you cunt, you want Almo, sweet little Almo, the girl who turns the heads of girls and boys. You don’t want a normal fuck, you want memorable one. Bastard, cunt, cockhead, I hope you fucking burn in hell!”

By now she was screeching, “That twisted evil bitch. You had to be league together, her the brains, you the muscle, that it. That has to be it. Our maybe it was everyone you all did a Caesar to him, jealous of his success. He mattered you deceptive motherfuckers, he mattered, I didn’t should have killed me.”

Finally she just fell on ground and wept heavily, walking over, I crouched next to her, “I loved him. He meant the world to me. He never knew though. Besides if I killed him who killed Claire?”

She looked up, the mascara washed away with the anger too, “Claire’s dead...”

“Yes.”

It was like she hadn’t even heard my omission, maybe it was for best.

“...Oh... Graham... tell no one what you saw here tonight... I’m getting help I really am... but that bitch... that bitch she knew Malcolm liked her, she would rather die than take him.”

She picked up her things and ran off.

Left alone now to remember regret of what never was.

Arriving back at university the moon shone a welcoming light over the facility illuminating the stairway up to the entrance. As I made my way up to the dormitories I thought of what had just happened and try as I might I couldn’t quite put it into sense. It seemed like an impossible dream.

Falling on the bed, I dialled Mark’s number, let it ring and ring and ring before he answered, “Dude, it’s almost 3 in the morning, why you waking me up?”

“I’d had a day---“

“Yes Graham, so have other people, but right now I’m trying to sleep.”

He was irritated but right now, I didn’t care, “Mark, listen asshole, my day been shit.”

“You owe me.”

“Fine whatever, firstly Ruby goes fucking insane in Psychology, and then I have one of the most fucked up nightmares ever, after that Claire’s killed soon after chatting to me. I was at wrestling when she was killed. Daniel was being an absolute dick as per usual as well as Ruby tried to get me to rape her!”

“Fuck...”

“Exactly, I’m sure I make Guinness World Record’s for worse day ever.”

He sighed over phone, “I can’t argue Graham.”

“My consisted of working in the 7/11, dealing with shady assholes and filling rich pricks cars. So yeh pretty much you win in bad day’s man.”

I smiled a little, answering, “Well least you didn’t have a beautiful thing trying to get you fuck her in the graveyard.”

“Nah, necrophilia where I toe the line dude.” Mark answered laughing a little.

“It’s not necrophilia Mark, it’s just sex in a graveyard or rape as I’d have been fucking a crazy. Makes you wonder if their people who have a fetish like that.... Oh baby act crazy, act fucking crazy, oh I love you act like a lunatic baby!”

Hearing amusement over the cell I grinned.

He continued, “Oh baby I love it when you put me in a straitjacket it’s so kinky! Oh baby who are the other men.”

And we just burst into fits of giggles.

As the hilarity subsided he continued, “You wanna hang out tomorrow, I’ve day off and you’ve one less class for meantime. Been ages since we’ve walked the town.”

I nodded then remembered we were on phone, “Sure Mark, let’s paint the town red.”

“Well dude now you’ve had your midlife crisis and told me all about it, mind if I sleep man?”

“Sure, get some rest, Daniel shacked out beside me in his own bed.”

Glancing over in his direction I heard him mumble, “They jellyfish, the jellyfish!”

Beginning to chuckle, Mark asked, “Did he just say some more stupid shit?”

“Yeah.”

“Share dude, remember we’re going to use this as blackmail material!”

“He said ‘The jellyfish, the jellyfish’ not as powerful as say ‘Beware the luluman’ and ‘Protect me O’ Great Ice cube.”

“Gold dude, pure gold, well time for this dick to go to sleep, night Graham.” As the cell hung up I threw it down on my bedside table, stretching a little before flinging my clothes off.

Hopefully, I wouldn’t have anymore messed up dreams. Yeh pigs would fly, throwing cover over me, I closed my eyes and fell fast asleep.
You poor take courage
You rich take care
This earth was made a common treasury
For everyone to share
All things in common
All people one
We come in peace
The orders came to cut them down

Billy Bragg - The World Turned Upside Down
  





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Fri Sep 24, 2010 3:50 pm
Shearwater says...



Hey pal! Pink here :)

So I'm super angry right now, I just did my review and then accidentally deleted half of it and I'm seriously too lazy to go back and find all of those nitpicks an all. So, instead, I'll be giving you another big block of text, hope that's okay. I promise I'll make it up in the next chapter, haha.

Alright, first I want to talk about punctuation and grammar. Although your writing as generally improved, I still think there are a few lessons that need to be learned :) More as in commas. I noticed you missed quite a few so make sure you brush up on those rules. They're not too hard, if you scan over them and apply them to your writing, I'm sure you'll master 'the comma' soon enough. I have problems with commas too so I had to do some reviewing of my own and I'm glad I did because I rarely get, "Hey, you missed a comma here," comments anymore. Haha. Also, I noticed that there are quite of typos or mistakes here. Considering that you missed a few words, I suggest you go back and reread this to catch the mistakes. Here is an example:
You think spying on someone is fun way James Bond does it. It’s not; it’s cold, dull and quite literally terrifying.

Should be: "You'd think spying on someone would be fun like the way James Bond does it. But it's not. It's cold, dull and quite literally terrifying."
This is how I would construct the sentence. One more thing in this section, make sure your tense is right! You flipped tenses here and there and it can be bothersome. So, make sure you stick to either present tense or past tense. When writing, everything should be according to that tense. Example:
"May ran down the street, curved the corner and bolted forward, yelling, "Stop that man!" (past)
vs.
"May runs down the street, curves the corner and bolts forward, while yelling, "Stop that man!" (present)
The verbs. watch em' :)

Now, my thoughts on Ruby. Is she insane?! Like wow, she's just so...crazy. Seriously, I can't picture her acting like that. I think she's a bit weird and she's hiding something, that's for sure. I'm just not keen on what it is yet. Her personality is terrifying, like I don't exactly understand her motives and why she blames Graham for thinking he killed Malcolm. But I'm sure we'll get to see more of her in the next chapter and how she's going to contribute to the story. I wonder if she's the bad guy, but then again she wouldn't have been crying in front of the grave. What if she killed Claire? *Wonders*

All in all, this was a pretty cool chapter. I'd like to compliment you on Graham's thoughts. I always find what he's thinking quite funny for the situation and it makes me laugh. Is it just me, or have you upped the vulgarism to the story? If so, I think you should tone it down a bit. Adding F-bombs and cruel words don't make a story mature, they can do more harm than good so if I were you, I'd keep the swearing when you need it. Although it builds character sometimes, it can easily destroy any sort of like we might have too. I'm not sure if you get what I mean, but it's just a suggestion and you're free to do as you like, since, well, it is your story :D
Anyways, before this review gets too long, that's all I'd like to point out. PM me when the next chapter is posted :)
See ya,

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham
  





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Sun Sep 26, 2010 1:47 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Hey there Paladin, I'm Tanya, here for a review!

I haven't read the previous chapters so my review will be based solely on this one. Here goes!

There something about Churches at night, they’re no longer the welcoming sanctuary for wounded souls to escape torment, from the likes of murderers, rapists and other malign bastards of the night. It was like at night, all the trappings of holiness were dropped and instead the demons could cavort now in grotesque orgies while the face of Jesus Christ watched over them, ashamed of us
This whole paragraph seems off. Especially the part in bold. First of all, it should be "There's something..." not "there something...". That being said, I expected, with your beginning, a description about how beautiful or how creepy Churches were at night. Instead, I get a 'no longer a sanctuary...' Huh? You sort of made a promise to your reader but starting it that way, but didn't deliver on the promise.
Maybe you could start it with something like this:
Churches were no longer the sanctuary for wounded souls to escape torment......like they used to be. It was as if at night, all the trappings of holiness..." Does this make sense to you? If not, Pm me and I'll reexplain it.

Perhaps Ruby was part of satanic ritual the likes Stephen King had intense wet dreams about.
Haha, this made me laugh out loud.

Yeah as much as that made sense in nonsense land, this was reality, and well I was technically stalking Ruby, but it was for her own good, she wasn’t allowed out of University so what was she doing going to a Church?
Wow. This was one very long and confusing sentence. Your commas are all over the place. Try reading it out loud. When you would pause for a breath, throw in a (well placed) comma or period. If not, please let off of them.

Fuck knows but I was freezing and a look at my cell phone told me exactly what I didn’t want to know, it was past midnight and I was following a lunatic, remind me Graham how the hell do I get into these situations?

Several points here. Because I haven't read the previous chapters, I don't know whether or not your MC is a boy or girl. What I do know is that this person's crude language could throw off some potential readers. If this was on the bookshelves, my own mother wouldn't pick it up. I would, but that's me.
That being said, I love your MC's wry tone of voice. Love the humour. Great work.
Where the part in bold ends (at lunatic) I would suggest you remove the comma and add a period. It would make the sentence shorter and the flow easier.
Also, I read Pink's review and I agree with everything she said about your commas. Maybe brush up on your knowledge of them in the Knowledge base in the top tabs. Because the part I put in italics changed, whether you put commas or not. Who is Graham? The Mc? He's talking to himself? Or is this like a diary entry? Or what? Because this can either mean "Remind me of Graham' or it may be you need a comma "Remind me, Graham, why I keep getting myself..." Do you notice the difference? Read it aloud, again, feel it out. You don't want your readers going back on your sentences trying to get your meaning. Trust me, it'll kill all potential of them turning the page.

“ He had a future, why couldn’t you have made them choose me (comma) Graham. Is it because you want to fuck me, you want (to) make me scream you’re name.”
Your.

My consisted of working in the 7/11, dealing with shady assholes and filling rich pricks cars. So yeh pretty much you win in bad day’s man.”
Mine. And you wrote 'yeh' here but 'yeah' up there. Maybe you should stick with one. Also, I had to reread this a couple of times to figure out who was talking. Was it Mark? Then tag it. Or, continue his previous conversation instead of closing the dialogue tag.

Done with the nitpicking. I can't say much about this perfect I haven't read the previous chapters. I think Ruby is flipping crazy. She's a few feet away from her brother's grave and she's demanding that Graham ....rape her? No way in hell. Sorry, but I would not react that way. Of course, people react to grief in very different ways but if she loved her brother this much, she wouldn't do anything to shame him this way.

That being said, you seem to have a good storyline, a good plot. Just keep in mind to read your story outloud and brush up on your comma rules.
Hope this was helpful, pm me if you have any questions.
Tanya :D
  





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Thu Oct 07, 2010 11:14 pm
Tenyo says...



Hiya Lupo!

I swear I already reviewed this. Maybe the glitchmonster ate it. Anyways, here it goes.

The line
Somewhere you've got to draw the line on what is creepy and what's just wrong. Having Ruby standing in a graveyard begging to be raped over her brothers grave as some kind of punishment, is just wrong. I think it's going too far.

Ruby
With the above said, she has lost her charm. At first I thought she was strange, and kind of scary in a brilliant way. Now she seems more like a puppet in a very strange fantasy daydream. Taking her to such an extreme has had a negetive effect on how believable she is as a character.

Mark
I like the relationship between Mark and Graham. Their half-hearted conversations, and the thought of Daniel sleeptalking in the background, makes a nice change to all the bad stuff that has happened so far.

Overall
I'm quite split on what to think of this part. The graveyard scene is good, to an extent, but without the whole 'rape me' thing, and the phone conversation follows well. Of course it does depend on what audiance you're aiming for, what kind of impression you want to give.
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