Young Writers Society

School Area 26. Not the most creative name for a school, but at the end of the day, who cares? It isn’t a public school, more of a place for rich or smart students. Kevin being one of the kids there by money, Matilda by smarts.
He strides past the fountains, tropical flowers, and trees that make up the front lawn of the school. The school is shaped like a horseshoe, with walls all the way around except for an opening for students to walk through. The walls are white, the trimming a light blue-gray, the insides paneled with glossed wood. To a newcomer, it can be a little intimidating- if not overly prim. But really, it’s just an overdressed private middle school.
Someone calls him over as he goes by, but he ignores them and walks right on by. Kevin makes it to their usual meeting spot. Matilda is there, but someone else is with her. Another boy around the same as him. The sight of it makes Kevin stop in his tracks. Matilda notices him and waves him over, smiling widely.
“Hey Kevin,” she says.
“Hi,” he glances suspiciously over at the other boy.
“This is Tyler,” Matilda moves closer to Tyler and smiles. “Tyler this is Kevin.”
“Wassup?” Tyler flashes a perfect smile. His green eyes stand out against the dark bangs that hang around them. He wears a black hoody, white shirt underneath, and navy jeans.
“Hi,” Kevin replies.
“This is a nice school.” Tyler looks around pleasantly.
“Yeah,”
“This is Tyler’s first day.” Matilda chirps. “I offered to show him around.”
“Great,” Kevin shoves a hand in his jean’s pocket and casually looks away.
“Come on,” Matilda takes Tyler’s arm. “There’s a few minutes for you to see the inside before class.”
Her shiny black hair hangs in the air for a second as she turns around. She waves to Kevin. “See you later!”
Kevin grits his teeth and stares after her. Why is he so upset? Matilda’s just friendly like that, no big deal.
But who’s he trying to fool? Already there’s a burning hate for Tyler- and he just met the guy! Looks like he’ll have to wait until later to talk to her.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Time to end this.
Tyrus strolls into the room, hands clasped behind his back. He steps up onto the platform and stands behind the podium. Several camera flashes go off. Cold grey eyes glance around impatiently until the room is completely silent.
When he does speak, his voice is firm and powerful. “It has been brought to our attention that this city is in danger of mutants. Not only is this a threat to public safety, but also to the ones affected by it. Call it a disease if you will. It doesn’t matter what it’s called. What matters is that it mostly affects children.”
There’s murmuring of agreement.
Tyrus looks around the room, catching each and every eye. “Our children are the most venerable to this. And even though we have specialists working around the clock, no solution has been found yet.” he pauses. “I’m sure that everyone here is aware of the growing crime caused by this. That is what I am here to address. We must put a stop to this, for us, and our children’s safety.”
Small round of applause. Tyrus waits until it settles down before continuing. “As the leader of Humans from Planet Earth, we have created a new security force that specializes in restraining mutant activities.
“They will be equipped with superior arsenal to give them the advantage in the field. They will be trained specifically in dealing with the mutants. That is all I can tell the public as of now. Any questions?”
Most of the people in the room shoot up their hands immediately.
Tyrus looks at a reporter in the front row. “Yes?”
She stands up, smoothing her skirt as she does so. “Will they be treated humanely?”
“The same laws apply to each and every individual. This is no different.”
Another man stands up. “And just why are you in charge of this operation? Isn’t your job commanding HPE?”
“I’m doing this because it must be done. It just so happens that we have the resources and funding in order to get things started.”
“Who is working with you?”
“The whole city, in general. Police departments, the parliament, and quite a few more.”
“So why are you in charge?” Pipes up a nasally-voiced woman. “You don’t even have children. Shouldn’t someone who does and understands be heading this?”
Tyrus hesitates for a second, taken aback by her arrogance. “As a matter of fact, I do have a son.”
“Then how come no one ever sees him? Do you ever see him?” Asks someone from HPE.
Tyrus looks at him. “I would prefer to not discuss my personal life.”
He gathers his papers. Time’s up and things are getting off topic anyway. He leans into the mike before he leaves the platform.
“Conference closed.”

Spoiler! :

Hopefully this doesn't sound like the X men or something like that. I really didn't intend for any similarities to happen. But I suppose they're inevitable sometimes.
So what did you think? I need opinions.

Hello there, PC! Looks like I'm the first to review this clip, so I'll get right to the point. What I'm going to do--I didn't catch any misspellings or major grammar fails--is give you tips on technique that really threw up a flag for me. I'm not going to tell you my exact opinion because things like this--mutants and middle school dramas--they're not my cup of tea. But whatever I can do to help you be a better writer, I'm going to do! So let's get down to business!

-- -- --

Off the bat, something hit me--and hit me hard. You decided to use present tense for this, obviously, and I can give you some pointers about making that choice:

Present Tense is good for describing fast-paced, intensive action. One of the more successful teen writers, John Green, told me once in a public video chat that in one of his more successful novels, Paper Towns, he used present tense in the heavy situations that kept the reader on the edge of their seat--and he did this very, very well. Present tense is also good when there's a specific style of anomaly in the author's writing, particularly something that gives away a character trait. I've really only seen this achieved in first-person novels...and never in third. Oh, and Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson is a good reference. While she pulls off present tense, it's a bit sluggish at times.

So, to the story:

He strides past the fountains, tropical flowers, and trees that make up the front lawn of the school. The school is shaped like a horseshoe, with walls all the way around except for an opening for students to walk through. The walls are white, the trimming a light blue-gray, the insides paneled with glossed wood. To a newcomer, it can be a little intimidating- if not overly prim. But really, it’s just an overdressed private middle school.

What we have here is what most writers call an info dump. I understand that these things must be said--without description, the reader is blind in the story. However, revealing all of these things at once can be a bit overwhelming and may leave the reader forgetting what the heck they just read. Try setting the scene by balancing descriptions and adjectives--show; don't tell.

Someone calls him over as he goes by, but he ignores them and walks right on by.

Here, you repeat a word in the same sentence (by). While there is nothing wrong with this, it gives me a bitter taste in my mouth. With some words, it is completely fine. However, this situation needs to change. In fact, if you just delete the second 'by', then the sentence will flow smoothly once again.

Another boy around the same as him.

This makes little sense to me. Shove a word into this sentence between 'same' and 'as' and see what happens. Same height? Same age? Same build? Same political affiliation? Who knows what this could mean!

“Hey Kevin,” she says.

This...is dry. I realize and you know that every child will grow up reading books that will go as such:

"Your dress is pretty," John said.
"Thank you," Mary replied, "It cost me nineteen doubloons and forty-nine shillings.."

But please don't do that. Leave that to Mother Goose.

He wears a black hoody, white shirt underneath, and navy jeans.

This is both an info dump and poor description. In an interview, Ayn Rand stated that she avoided dull descriptions at all times while writing her novels...and she's the bomb! Try out her technique. Make this description snazzy, even though it's just a sweatshirt (sweatshirt sounds much more professional than hoodie/y, though I understand that it's coming from a teenager's perspective; hoodie/y is fine), T-shirt and jeans.

But who’s he trying to fool? Already there’s a burning hate for Tyler- and he just met the guy! Looks like he’ll have to wait until later to talk to her.

I just didn't like this. It's like you're narrating his thoughts, but not as thoughts: as facts relevant to the story. I am also not a fan of quips like "Looks like he'll blah blah blah." Makes me think of watching Saturday morning cartoons as a kid and hearing "Looks like we'll find out what happens next time on (your favorite show here)!"

Not only is this a threat to public safety, but also to the ones affected by it.

Vague pronoun--it--needs to change. "Affected by the disease," "Affected by their own mutations," etc.

We must put a stop to this, for us, and our children’s safety

"The safety of our children."

Small round of applause.

This is not a sentence. There is no verb. Give me verbs! Oh, and you need an article before 'Small'

...in restraining mutant activities.

"They will be equipped with superior arsenal to give them the advantage in the field. They will be trained specifically in dealing with the mutants. That is all I can tell the public as of now. Any questions?”

One of two things should happen here. 1.) You should tag a closing pair of quotation marks to the end of the first paragraph or 2.) you should merge the two paragraphs and delete the pair of quotation marks beginning the next sentence.

“Then how come no one ever sees him? Do you ever see him?” Asks someone from HPE.

Please change "how come". Too colloquial. Remember that these people are professionals. Not teenagers.

He leans into the mike before he leaves the platform.

The word is mic (or even microphone), not mike.

Aaaaand there we have it! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or if you want me to read it again if you edit/repost/post more!

-Your friendly neighborhood Lumi

Okay, it looks like Lumi has been really thorough, so I'll be quick and vague, if you don't mind.
One thing that gets me is my lack of connection. Your setting is really interesting and so is the overall of your story - but if I didn't read the plot-thingy, then I would depend on a connection to your characters to keep me reading, right? I don't feel that connection to Kevin. We don't really get to see much of his personality. We aren't really drawn to him. Try and make him seem more real.
Secondly, you explain things around Kevin really, throroughly - almost too thoroughly. If we don't need to know, don't tell us. Yes, we need to know what the room around Kevin is like - but we don't need to know every little detail. Just a vague sense is okay - except if its gonna be important to the story. Does that make sense? I hope so..
Anyway, I hope this helps.