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Ali, the Master Thief - Book 1 (Chapter 1)



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Wed Nov 24, 2010 4:59 am
Zabuza825 says...



Rated 16+ for violence, references to crime and minor language.
All events depicted in this is purely fictional, any similarities to real life people or events are purely coincidental. Contains reference to Japanese hit anime Lupin III, heck its inspired by Lupin III.

The first Chapter to the first book of my series Ali, the Master Thief. Please read, review and enjoy!



San Francisco Museum was a peaceful place. One man walked through it and stopped at a painting. His brown eyes gleamed and his long black hair shined like the stars. As he looked at it, he stated, “So this is the painting of Moses, worth 100 Million.”

He walked through the hall and worked his way back towards the exit. He then saw Legendary Inspector Nomura Yamazaki; he had solved cases that were considered impossible. His latest mission, catch Ali Aubrac, a well-known thief. It is said that Ali’s skills rival even the world greatest thief, Arsène Lupin the 3rd.

Yamazaki’s hat was one similar to Sherlock Holmes’s; in fact he looked like Sherlock Holmes, aside from not having a pipe. Yamazaki Walked up to the manager of the museum and said “Hello, I am Inspector Yamazaki of the ICPO. I am here regarding a thief named Ali Aubrac.”

The man walked out of the museum and spoke, “It won’t make a difference Yamazaki"

Then he took off his mask and there he was standing there. Ali Aubrac, the Master Thief. His black hair shined and his chin smooth, his brown eyes gleaming in glory and sureness of his skill.

That night, a black Ford Thunderbird pulled into the parking lot of the museum. Ali, dressed in black, jumped out of the car and into an air vent.

Ali skateboarded through the Air vent surprisingly quietly and stopped above the painting of Moses. Ali lowered himself into the hallway. Then he slid a metal sheet behind the painting and hung it there. “That’ll fool the weight sensors.” Said Ali.

Ali began lifting himself back up towards the vent when he heard a voice.

“A straggler?” it said, “Or, a thief?”

“You can’t stop me.” Replied Ali, he scanned the room and saw a man sitting down in a chair. His clothes looked like one of a mercenary but his black hat covered his eyes and his black beard covering the rest of his face made it impossible to distinguish the figures identity.

The man then took out a loaded Colt Anaconda and shot it 3 times, all bullets whizzed past Ali’s head.

“I missed those on purpose.” Said the man with an obvious grin on his face.

“And you should look where you’re shooting.” Said Ali, as he appeared from a hallway.

The man looked at him and said, “A dummy eh? Better than any other thief I encountered before.”

The man then shot 3 more rounds at Ali, and did it in less than 1 second.

Ali dodged the bullets and dove into cover. He took out a Luger pistol and shot at the man.

"This guy shoots way too fast!" Though Ali.

Then from behind Ali heard someone scream, “GOTCHA!”

Suddenly, Inspector Yamazaki popped out from behind Ali and tried to grab him. Ali jumped out of cover, and while dodging bullets ran down the hallway towards the exit.


Kurohitsugi Shuuhei watched the man run away. Then an ICPO officer ran up to him.

“Whate the hell are you doing mister mercenary?” He yelled.

“Who was that?” Asked Kurohitsugi.

“That was the guy after the Painting of Moses. Ali Aubrac, the Master Thief.” Replied the ICPO officer.

“Ali Aubrac…..” mumbled Kurohitsugi, then smirked. “I quit being a mercenary. I’m still getting paid this job right?”


Ali drove his modified Ford Thunderbird at 100 MPH, his hair whipped in the wind. He heard sirens behind him and looked at the rear view mirror. ICPO Officers. They pulled out pistols and shot at him.

“That’s not a good idea.” Said Ali as the trunk popped open. Thousands of nails scrambled out of the trunk and fell to the ground. Whenever a tire hit one that tire would pop. Soon all the cars chasing him were driving on flat tires.

Then Ali then made a sharp left, they all crashed in to each other. Explosions rocked behind Ali and he grinned. Then he looked at his rear view mirror and saw Inspector Yamazaki on an ICPO motorcycle.

“I know about that!” Yelled Yamazaki, when Ali looked all the nails had lodged themselves inside the tire instead of popping them like they were supposed to.

“Man Yamazaki you’re so persistent.” Said Ali.

Ali made a sharp right, but Yamazaki was still on his tail. Ali saw a path to a freeway, and he headed straight for it, Yamazaki and a new set of police cars in close pursuit. Ali saw the tollbooth coming up fast, and he floored it. His car jumped up speed in an instant, Ali didn’t even bother thinking twice. He bashed through the tollgate, the man inside the tollbooth immediately began shouting insults at him. Ali was going so fast he didn’t catch any of it. Ali was sure it was something along the lines of “Hey pay the toll fee punk!”

All of the cops chasing Ali followed suit. He followed the path the freeway took him. He saw a police blockade on his side of the street coming up, Ali's car jumped onto the other side of the freeway. Ali knew that wouldn’t stop Yamazaki, and sure enough, Yamazaki and all the cop cars where still on his tail. Now going against traffic, Ali was a little more cautious on how he drove, Ali dodged cars left and right, and he was doing well. The same couldn’t be said for the cops chasing him, before Ali new it half of the cops chasing him had gotten involved in some form of crash.

Ali looked back and smirked when he saw this, and followed the freeway onto an overpass. But when he looked back in the direction he was heading, he slammed the brakes. There was another blockade there. It didn’t take long for Yamazaki to catch up. Ali was cornered, or was he? Ali turned the car towards the edge of the overpass, and once again floored it. He flew off the edge of the overpass and onto the road under it. All Yamazaki did was stare, obviously shocked at the amazing feat Ali had just accomplished.

Ali calmly drove to a building on the edge of an alleyway. Covered with graffiti and having people with huge dragon tattoos on their arms. Ali was always got the creeps when he went anywhere near this place. Ali got out of his Thunderbird, taking the Painting of Moses with him. Ali then walked into the building carrying the Painting of Moses, and then walked up a series of stairs. A door was in front of him, and he knew this was the place the guy who hired him was. He opened the door and walked in.
Last edited by Zabuza825 on Sat Nov 27, 2010 6:05 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1279
Reviews: 33
Sat Nov 27, 2010 5:06 am
Roal says...



Spoiler! :
Zabuza825 wrote:Rated 16+ for violence, references to crime and minor language.
All events depicted in this is purely fictional, any similarities to real life people or events are purely coincidental. Contains reference to Japanese hit anime Lupin III, heck its inspired by Lupin III.

The first Chapter to the first book of my series Ali, the Master Thief. Please read, review and enjoy!



San Francisco Museum was a peaceful place. One man walked through it and stopped at a painting. His brown eyes gleamed and his long black hair shined like the stars. As he looked at it, he stated, “So this is the painting of Moses, worth 100 Million.”

He walked through the hall and worked his way back towards the exit. He then saw Legendary Inspector Nomura Yamazaki; he had solved cases that were considered impossible. His latest mission, catch Ali Aubrac, a well-known thief. It is said that Ali’s skills rival even the world greatest thief, Arsène Lupin the 3rd.

Yamazaki’s hat was one similar to Sherlock Holmes’s; in fact he looked like Sherlock Holmes, aside from not having a pipe. Yamazaki Walked up to the manager of the museum and said, “Hello, I am Inspector Yamazaki of the ICPO. I am here regarding a thief named Ali Aubrac.”
It's best not to use parenthesis.

The man walked out of the museum and spoke[b], [/b]“It won’t make a difference Yama-Chan.”he said.
... Waaaaaa?????!!!!!

Then he took off his mask and there he was standing there. Ali Aubrac, the Master Thief. His black hair shined and his chin was as smooth, his brown eyes gleaming in glory and sureness of his skill.
Consider revising this part.

That night, a black Ford Thunderbird pulled into the parking lot of the museum. Someone, dressed in black, jumped out of the car and into an air vent.
Revise.

Ali skateboarded through the Air vent surprisingly quietly and stopped above the painting of Moses. Ali lowered himself into the hallway. Then he slid a metal sheet behind the painting and hung it there. “That’ll fool the weight sensors.” Said Ali.

Ali began lifting himself back up towards the vent when he heard a voice.

“A straggler?” it said, “Or, a thief?”

“You can’t stop me.” Replied Ali, he scanned the room and saw a man sitting down in a chair. His clothes looked like one of a mercenary but his black hat covered his eyes and his black beard covering the rest of his face made it impossible to distinguish the figures identity.

The man then took out a loaded Colt Anaconda and shot it 3 times, all bullets whizzed past Ali’s head.

“I missed those on purpose.” Said the man with an obvious grin on his face.

“And you should look where you’re shooting.” Said Ali, as he appeared from a hallway.

The man looked at him and said, “A dummy eh? Better than any other thief I encountered before.”

The man then shot 3 more rounds at Ali and did it in less than 1 second.

Ali dodged the bullets and dove into cover. He took out a Luger pistol and shot at the man.

"This guy shoots way too fast!" though Ali.

Then from behind Ali heard someone screamed, “GOTCHA!”

Suddenly, Inspector Yamazaki popped out from behind Ali and tried to grab him. Ali jumped out of cover, and while dodging bullets ran down the hallway towards the exit.


Kurohitsugi Shuuhei watched the man run away. Then an ICPO officer ran up to him.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING MISTER MERCENARY?” he yelled.
It's best if you don't capitalize all the words. One might be fine. It just bothers some people.

“Who was that?” asked Kurohitsugi.

“That was the guy after the Painting of Moses. Ali Aubrac, the Master Thief.” Replied the ICPO officer

“Ali Aubrac…..” mumbled Kurohitsugi, then smirked. “I quit being a mercenary. I’m still getting paid this job right?”


Ali drove his modified Ford Thunderbird at 100 MPH, his hair whipped in the wind. He heard sirens behind him and looked at the rear view mirror. ICPO Officers. They pulled out pistols and shot at him.

“That’s not a good idea.” Said Ali as the trunk popped open. Thousands of nails scrambled out of the trunk and fell to the ground. Whenever a tire hit one that tire would pop. Soon all the cars chasing him were driving on flat tires.

When Ali then made a sharp left, they all crashed in to each other. Explosions rocked behind Ali and he grinned. Then he looked at his rear view mirror and saw Inspector Yamazaki on an ICPO motorcycle.

“I KNOW ABOUT THAT!” yelled Yamazaki, when Ali looked all the nails had lodged themselves inside the tire instead of popping them like they were supposed to.

“Man Yamazaki you’re so persistent.” Said Ali.

Ali made a sharp right, but Yamazaki was still on his tail. Ali saw a path to a freeway, and he headed straight for it, Yamazaki and a new set of police cars in close pursuit. Ali saw the tollbooth coming up fast, and he floored it. His car jumped up speed in an instant, Ali didn’t even bother thinking twice. He bashed through the tollgate, the man inside the tollbooth immediately began shouting insults at him. Ali was going so fast he didn’t catch any of it. Ali was sure it was something along the lines of “HEY PAY THE TOLL FEE PUNK!”

All of the cops chasing Ali followed suit. He followed the path the freeway took him. He saw a police blockade on his side of the street coming up, Ali's car jumped onto the other side of the freeway. Ali knew that wouldn’t stop Yamazaki, and sure enough, Yamazaki and all the cop cars where still on his tail. Now going against traffic, Ali was a little more cautious on how he drove, Ali dodged cars left and right, and he was doing well. The same couldn’t be said for the cops chasing him, before Ali new it half of the cops chasing him had gotten involved in some form of crash.

Ali looked back and smirked when he saw this, and followed the freeway onto an overpass. But when he looked back in the direction he was heading, he slammed the brakes. There was another blockade there. It didn’t take long for Yamazaki to catch up. Ali was cornered, or was he? Ali turned the car towards the edge of the overpass, and once again floored it. He flew off the edge of the overpass and onto the road under it. All Yamazaki did was stare, obviously shocked at the amazing feat Ali had just accomplished.

Ali calmly drove to a building on the edge of an alleyway. Covered with graffiti and having people with huge dragon tattoos on their arms. Ali was always got the creeps when he went anywhere near this place. Ali got out of his Thunderbird, taking the Painting of Moses with him. Ali then walked into the building carrying the Painting of Moses, and then walked up a series of stairs. A door was in front of him, and he knew this was the place the guy who hired him was. He opened the door and walked in.


Well... I was reading while fixing your punctuation mistakes. Your grammar is good, I only found one mistake, although you might wanna work on your punctuations. You were missing A LOT of commas and periods. I find the the sentence a little bit too short. It's like one action and then period. You had some stuff that was... awkward. So try revising those.

Overall... I like the plot and best of all, I LOVE Lupin III, use to watch that for my childhood.
Oh yes, the plot is nice though it is cliche since it is a kind of "another thief story".
But I don't find cliche a bad thing... it's just a way on to inspiration. I enjoy reading this and hope to see the next chapter.
By the way, does that thing say Book 1? D:
14 years have passed
And yet I'm unabled
To find a friend
For my existence is lower
Than a piece of grass.
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 1161
Reviews: 10
Sat Nov 27, 2010 6:07 am
Zabuza825 says...



Revised. Glad you liked it, I can't seem to get rid of my old habits. Yes it does say Book 1.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 6748
Reviews: 100
Sun Nov 28, 2010 4:16 pm
Idraax says...



First, your premise has been done before. Since it's been done before, you have to show us how this is different than all the other thief-detective stories out there. Second, the narration seems a little stagnant; there isn't too much happening. The car chase is good, but the thief escaped too easily. Can you make it clear if the Inspector is not a smart as the thief or if he is. Also, some parts of the story seemed inconsistent. Such as the part where the thief shows the Inspector his face. Why would he do that? As good as a thief is, they usually keep their identity hidden. Also, this part. “Ali Aubrac…..” mumbled Kurohitsugi, then smirked. “I quit being a mercenary. I’m still getting paid this job right?”" Why would he do this all of a sudden? Typically, mercenaries have the tendency to see the job through. Plus, the way you characterized him in this didn't give us any indication that he would do this. In all, this wasn't bad. You have the use of description and narration down, although your dialouge could use a bit of work. Keep going! :)
Check these out please! :)
Alezrani
Will review for food thread
  








He knew that elbow.
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