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Racing to Death~Chapter 1



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Sat Nov 20, 2010 2:18 am
funkyreg101 says...



Spoiler! :
This is the first chapter in my novel! There is a prologue before this, it isnt' really necessary to read it, but it gives you a little bit of insight about whats going to happen later on :) The prologue gives a summary, too, in the spoiler.


Sami kept her eyes closed. She wasn’t quite awake, but she wasn’t asleep. Her conscious danced dangerously close to the edge, falling occasionally, sending Sami into a dream and making it hard for her to tell whether she was awake or not when her eyes fluttered open. The first thing she was aware of was the smell. It was rusty and familiar, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. The second thing she realized was she wasn’t in her room, or her house, and she was surrounded by strangers. A group of teenagers, some sitting up blinking, others crying softly, and others still were lying on the ground asleep. There were about thirty of them, girls and boys. As far as Sami could tell, they had nothing in common.

Sami was fourteen, and by the looks of it the people around her were anywhere from eleven to fifteen. The last girl had just woken up.

“Whats going on?” She asked. She looked a year younger than Sami, with bright red hair. She had green eyes and freckles that spread cross her cheekbones and nose.

“Well isn’t it obvious?” A boy of about fifteen with dark brown hair and a very handsome face said. “We’ve all been kidnapped!” One of the girls who had been crying softly looked up at him as if she had been slapped across the face. She dropped her head into her hands and began to sob. In everyone’s eyes Sami saw the same thing: Fear. Fear of what would happen, fear of where they were, and fear of never seeing their family again.

“What are we going to do?” A boy who was wearing glasses asked.

The handsome boy replied, “there’s nothing we can do. Look around you, there aren’t any doors or windows. How would we get out?” There was an eerie silence as everyone looked around. Sami followed suit, curious to see where she was. She was in a room similar to a warehouse with nothing in it besides a large screen the size of a bilboard suspended in the air by wires. Just four walls, a ceiling, and a wood floor. The walls were white and uninviting, and the ceiling was very high. But the boy was right; there were no doors or windows, or any other way of getting out.

“Well, I’m Rachel,” the girl with red hair said.

“Jake,” the handsome one nodded his head. Everyone took their turn saying their names. The girl who had been crying stopped long enough to tell us her name was Becca. The boy with the glasses name was Andrew, but he said he went by Drew. There was a shy girl named Leah, and a boy with a thick African accent named Zeet. The others introduced themselves to the group before quieting down again.

“Sami,” she said, knowing her eyes were just as full of fear as any one of the other kids in the room. There was a knot in her stomach and she felt nauseated. She sighed, causing a few pairs of eyes to turn towards her. Nobody said anything; there was nothing to say.

“Welcome!” A booming voice declared. Many people jumped, including Sami. She turned to see an old man on the screen. He had a slight smile on his face and an expression in his eyes that said “I know something you don’t”. Becca screamed and we all looked at her. She had her hands clamped over her mouth.

“Well, this is certainly an enjoyable group,” the man said with a hint of sarcasm.

“Who the Hell are you?” The boy named Ethan yelled. A look of disgust crossed the man’s face, but he regained his smug look in a heartbeat.

“Young man, have you no manners? I am Dr. Argentine. Welcome to my humble abode!”

“Humble? This is hardly a humble abode!” The girl named Maddie exclaimed.

“I’m very sorry my lovely little storage space isn’t to your liking. I’ll make sure to accommodate all of your needs by tomorrow. Perhaps you may even get a little… Surprise!”

“Whats going on?” Tia yelled.

“Well now, that’s an interesting question. Let me tell you what my plans are. We are going to have a little test. A test to see who the best man, or woman, is. It’s a little experiment. I have undergone a series of minor experiments on all of you, without you knowing it of course, to get the most able bodied and minded children to help me with my experiment. Here’s what will happen. Tomorrow, you will wake up in a different place. On the other end of the room you wake up in is a door. Find that door and get up the stairs past it. Only one of you will get to the very top floor.”

“What happens to the rest of us?” Drew asked.

“You will die.” Sami heard herself gasp. It was all she could do to keep herself from screaming. Others couldn’t contain themselves, they screamed and cried. Sami’s stomach twisted and her mind began to race.

“Now, before you get to excited, let me continue. Tomorrow’s level will be fairly easy, but still present a challenge. The level after that will present even more of a challenge and after that even more, and so on, and so forth. The levels themselves will be as diverse as you children. By the last level, only one of you will be living. That lucky soul gets to go home. Here are the rules: At the beginning of each level will be a weapons wall. You can take whatever you get your hands on. Any arguments over the weapons will be settled… well you have weapons in your hands, so you can figure it out. Also, this will take more than a few days. So provisions, food, water, clothing, etcetera, will be hung on the wall. One in each level, so get it quick. Other than that, it’s a free for all! I’ll leave the rest to you young ones, farewell!”
Last edited by funkyreg101 on Mon Nov 29, 2010 4:17 am, edited 4 times in total.
One day your prince will come... Mine? He took a wrong left turn, got lost, and is too stubburn to ask for directions.
  





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Sat Nov 20, 2010 3:54 am
narniafreak12 says...



Hi! I'm Narniafreak! I hope my review can help.

First, I did read the prologue and was very interested in this story. And this part helps set up what's about to begin. I like how you got right to the point where they were all kidnapped and didn't go on and on about their lives before hand. Good job!

The first thing she was aware of was the smell. It was rusty and familiar, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. The second thing she realized was she wasn’t in her room, or her house, and she was surrounded by strangers.

If this were me in Sami's position, I wouldn't focus on the smell, the first thing I'd notice would be the fact I'm not at home and I'm with a bunch of people I have never met. Just a thought.

A group of teenagers her age,

How does she know they are her age? If they could be anywhere between 11 and 15 that's not her age. There is a huge difference between an 11 year old girl and a 15 year old girl.

In everyone’s eyes Sami saw the same thing: Fear. Fear of what would happen, fear of where they were, and fear of never seeing their family again.

Describe the fear she sees. Are some people's fears shown by wide-eyes, pained expressions? I hope this makes sense.

She was in a warehouse with nothing in it.

How does she know she's in a "warehouse"? If there's no doors or windows she could just be in a random room, or underground or anywhere for that matter, even space!

“Humble? This is hardly a humble abode,” The girl named Maddie exclaimed.

I don't know about you but "exclaimed" makes me think she shouted or yelled, maybe even for a happy moment. But your punctuation here shows that it's just a regular sentence. You may want to change "exclaimed" or make the comma a exclamation point.
Also,I see that you tend to do this thing a lot with dialog. You captialize the first word after the end of the quotation marks (like the) when in fact it's still the same sentence so it wouldn't be capitalized. Does that make sense?
It should read "Humble? This is hardly a humble abode," the girl named Maddied exclaimed.

Sami’s stomach was in a knot, her mind racing.

You already told us this earlier. So either the knot disappeared or it just grew tighter.

Well this was a wonderful start. I'm curious as how this will play out. It reminds me of The Hunger Games Trilogy a little bit. I hope it turns out great. Good job! And keep writing! It sounds really good! :)

-Narniafreak!

P.S. If you have any questions, comments, need help with anything, need a review for something, or post more parts feel free to PM! I hope I could help!
  





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Sat Nov 20, 2010 5:07 pm
funkyreg101 says...



^^Thank's a lot! I kinda realized it's similar to the Hunger Games, but i'll try to lean away from it as much as possible. I'll go through and fix those things! Thanks again~<3 R3G@N
One day your prince will come... Mine? He took a wrong left turn, got lost, and is too stubburn to ask for directions.
  





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Sun Nov 21, 2010 4:39 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Hey there Reg!

Tanya here for a review!

“Whats going on?” She asked. She looked a year younger than Sami, with bright red hair. She had freckles that spread cross her cheekbones and nose and green eyes.
the 'S' should not be capitalised.

“What are we going to do?” A boy who was wearing glasses asked. The handsome boy replied,
the part in bold should be cut to fit with the next sentence.

She had freckles that spread cross her cheekbones and nose and green eyes.
this should be reworded because it sounds like you're saying that her eyes have freckles. Maybe:`She had green eyes and freckles that spread...."

“Well, I’m Rachel.” The girl with red hair said
First, it should be a comma, not a period. Second, the next word should not be a capitalised 'the' because it describes how the girl said it.
Here is a good thread that might help you:
topic44898.html

“Jake,” the handsome one nodded his head. Everyone took their turn saying their names. The girl who had been crying stopped long enough to tell us her name was Becca. The boy with the glasses name was Andrew, but he said he went by Drew. There was a shy girl named Leah, and a boy with a thick African accent named Zeet. Sara, Hanna, Tenli, Lexi, Tia, Maddie, Payton, and Anna were the other girls sitting in the group. Sam, Mat, Max, Robby, Hunter, Austin, Alex, Frank, Zack, Ethan, Garret, Bren, and Luke were the boys.

Whoa there! Way too many names being thrown our way. Rachel, Jake and Becca have distrinctive personalities and they will be easy to remember, but not the rest of them. Just give us their names when it becomes important for us to know.

Nobody said anything, there was nothing to say.
semi-colon, instead of a comma.

“Who the Hell are you?” The boy named Ethan yelled. A look of disgust crossed the man’s face, but he regained his smug look in a heartbeat.
see, this is a good way of letting us know the names. We'll associate Ethan with 'gutsy'.

Well, that was it for the nitpicks. Honestly, the movie Saw came to mind; not Hunger Games.

If this were me in Sami's position, I wouldn't focus on the smell, the first thing I'd notice would be the fact I'm not at home and I'm with a bunch of people I have never met. Just a thought.
I have to disagree with Narniafreak here, because if she's knocked unconscious by some chemical, barely awake, blinking against the glare of the light, she might just have to depend on her other senses, such as smell and touch. Maybe have her notice that the ground is hard, and it feels nothing like her soft mattress?

Well, this was a great beginning and we jumped right into the action. You have a great way with words and describing the events; kudos to you.

Would you PM me for the next chapter?
Tanya :D
  





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Mon Nov 22, 2010 8:06 am
Apple says...



Here I am! Sorry for the long wait I just couldn't get around to the review till now. Again, as I mentioned before, WRFF thread is the only time I do grammar and nitpick but...yeah, you already know that and the other reviewers have gone through it anyway. So this was good, I thoroughly enjoyed it, just a few minor problems.

Here is one. These two sentences kind of doubt each other.

others still were lying on the ground asleep.


and

The last girl had just woken up.


Those two are just after each other and it kind of destroys what you were saying before hand. Others is plural so they couldn't have all just woken up after a sentence of thought leaving just one to awaken at a selective time you've chosen. What I suggest it make it that only the girl is sleeping. This will work and it won't destroy what you're trying to do.

“Whats going on?” she asked.


Okay, well, I couldn't help myself: It should be a little 's' not a capital letter. As the speech and dialogue behind the words have not ended, it isn't right to bring on the big boss. Dialogue grammar, no one gets it, ever! It's impossible, I am practically ripping out my own hair when I have to write my own stories. It's not pretty.

One other problem was their reaction timings. I wouldn't be cool, calm and collected, I'd be freaking out if I woke in a weird room. Screaming, crying...you name it, I'd be doing it. Try and add more emotion like I said in my previous review, it's not realistic. I want fear seething through their veins, not stony faces that are practically used to this kind of stuff. It's important to do this so don't ignore it when I tell you. Do not worry, I have the same problem. I don't like slowing down and working on stupid emotions, but you've really got to. It's the only way your story will flourish and seem more human-like then anything else. If you know what I mean.

Oooh, I didn't read on. There is some emotion but not enough. Have some screaming, have people getting frustrated and angry. Punching walls, shoving, pushing... Especially that handesome boy and the main character, they do need more personality and fear. I find those two the weakest characters of the lot, your minors' though have a lot of character. Trying and make Sammi and sir-hunky more realistic. From what I am reading they're acting to cooly. Not good, that's mary-sue and gary-sue growing on you there.

I haven't much else to comment on. Everyone else has pretty much picked up on it. Keep writing this, it's very interesting and I just love the idea. You have talent, that's for sure.

Keep Writing,
Apple.
I spy!
  





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Mon Nov 22, 2010 11:11 pm
funkyreg101 says...



Thanks for the help everyone! I'm editing the first chapter a bit more and then I'll post another chapter as soon as I have enough points. In the meantime, care to check out and review my entry for the three pronged contest? Its in the fantasy short storys called lucy's lawn gnome. Thanks a bundle! <3 always, R3G@N
One day your prince will come... Mine? He took a wrong left turn, got lost, and is too stubburn to ask for directions.
  





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Sun Nov 28, 2010 8:29 pm
Evi says...



Hey Regan! Sorry this has taken so long. You've gotten some excellent critiques already, though, and I suggest you heed all of their suggestions.

The second thing she realized was she wasn’t in her room, or her house, and she was surrounded by strangers.


Worded oddly! Maybe something more like: Then she realized that she wasn't in her room...

“Whats going on?” She asked.


Lowercase "she". Also, don't forget the apostrophe in "What's". You have some grammatical errors sprinkled throughout, and I'm not going to point them out because I'm sure you can find them. Remember to add commas where you'd pause, and leave the first word after a piece of dialogue uncapitalized.

I feel the realization (along with the sobbing) that they've all been kidnapped comes too soon. They just woke up, and for all they know they've been transferred to a new school by their parents. Unless the specifically remember being tied up and thrown into a van before they blacked out, it seems like they realize their predicament too suddenly. Let them explore the surroundings first, try and remember what happened before they were out, and -then- come to this conclusion. Then, when they all calmly introduce themselves-- that seems a bit contrived, too. They accept each other immediately-- no one is wary of the others, etc. This whole beginning just seems to planned and easy!

Also, the screen magically descended from the ceiling (which was closed just seconds ago) without anyone noticing? I know it's more sudden and jarring that way, but you have to explain how a hanging TV fell from the sky without anyone noticing until the man started talking.

Basically, I think you need to put yourself in this situation. Imagine waking up, unsure of where you or or what's going on, surrounded by strangers. Everyone is going to react different-- not everyone is going to trust the kids surrounding them. Some people are going to try and interrupt Dr. Argentine at every possible second. Someone might start banging on the walls to try and get out. I just suggest that you keep everyone's reactions realistic, along with the timelines-- give everyone enough time to process information.

I like the idea of this story a lot! Your writing style, even despite some grammar issues, is clean and engaging. Just make sure to make your characters distinct and believable, as well as keeping your description interesting. Best of luck, and PM me for anything!

~Evi
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.
  








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