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The Wild Ones Ch3 & Ch4



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Thu Aug 19, 2010 3:27 am
Baywolf says...



Chapter 3

The smell of roasting deer meat filled Amberose’s den. The den itself was an interesting place. It was set in a cliff face; the only way up was by rope-ladder, which at that moment was rolled up in a corner. Amberose was locked in for the night. In her mind, she was just doing the natural thing.

The cave area was fairly large, and Amberose had obviously enlarged it by chipping away at the cliff. It went into the rock and dirt wall about twenty feet. The front was covered by a makeshift stone wall with a door woven from pine boughs.

There were pine needles scattered across the floor to get rid of the damp earth smell and provide some cushion. She liked to call it a carpet, but didn’t know where that word came from.

The smoke from the fire escaped through a shaft that slanted out of the cave naturally, and it was part of the reason she had chosen this place for her den. The other reasons were its secure location and closeness to a nearby stream for fresh water.

In her lofty den, Amberose felt as close to safe as was possible for a Wild One. After living for so long in the Wild, she had developed a healthy case of paranoia, as did all Wild Ones.

Amberose bent over the fire to add more fuel. She had to keep it going all night to ward away the night creatures. Even though she was high out of reach, some could climb and she did not want to risk being unprepared in case they decided tonight was the night to make a meal of her.

One night when she had been new to the Wild, Amberose had seen a night creature. It looked like the shadows had been condensed into a slinking form with a pair of glowing orange eyes that never blinked. It had stalked her the entire night, and she had only kept it at bay by using her fire.

Ever since then, fire had been her only friend and companion. Well, mostly. There were the other Wild Ones. She traded with them sometimes, careful to show no weakness because one misstep could lead to a knife in the throat, or more likely, the back.

The Wild Society was a band of cutthroats, each member a single unit able to break away and live alone for long periods of time. No Wild One ever sought out company. They only gathered when they had to for survival.

“The moon is bright tonight,” she said as though speaking to the fire. “The night creatures will hide from her face.”

Amberose looked out at the night sky with its twinkling stars and the round face of the moon. Her fire crackled and she smelled the tender meat as it sizzled deliciously. It would soon be ready enough to eat. She was starving after hunting all day. The young buck would sustain her for a few days until she was able to hunt again.

Most of the day creatures were peaceful like the young buck, but some, like the cougar, were hunters as well. She had to be careful everywhere at any time of the day. Her wits were what kept her alive for this long.

The fire crackled with life, and Amberose snuggled down in a bear fur to watch the night and listen to its music. It was chilly even in the summer at night, and her breath condensed into a miniature fog right in front of her face.

She sighed in contentment. She was happy with her life and with living alone. She frowned as she thought about the other Wild Ones. They were vicious most of the time, and not fit company for her.

Amberose was like the lone wolf that sometimes followed her around hoping for some scraps from her latest kill. It was for him that she left the deer entrails in the meadow. He was not a bother, and never seemed inclined to harm her, so she tolerated his presence when she was out in the wilderness.

It was comforting at times to talk to him. Some of the Wild Children had almost forgotten how to speak they had become so inundated into the Wild. She did not wish to be like those Lost Souls. They killed for more than just survival.

She scowled at the thought of their wasting precious meat just for the sport of the hunt. Meat was prized, it gave life in the winter when the world was icy and the wind cut like a knife.

Thinking about the winter reminded Amberose that she needed to kill another bear or cougar soon. She needed the hides and the fur to keep warm, and the ones from last season were getting worn. A raccoon had chewed a hole in the one she was using right then and paid with its own grey and black, ringed hide.

She heard the spectral howl of her wolf-friend from a low hill nearby, and decided the time for sleep had come. Tonight the wolf was keeping guard, and tomorrow would come as it always did with the shining light of the sun beckoning her to the hunt.

“I will hunt tomorrow, my friend,” she said addressing the distant figure of the lone wolf. “May the sun guide me to bounty.”

Lying down with the banked fire to one side and the entrance on the other, Amberose fell into a sleep where her dreams haunted her with visions of her past, and with things she did not quite understand.




Chapter 4

The wind chimes tinkled softly in the gentle breeze outside her home. Home. That is what that place was called. The house was small, but comfortable for the young girl and her father.

Her father was a hunter. He taught her how to track animals and kill for food. Not for sport. They lived very happily in that small house nestled in the midst of a grove of conifer trees, the soft needles like a carpet of down on the earth, muffling footsteps.

The girl was about eight when the tragedy happened. She was home, making cookies for her father, because he loved the way she made chocolate chip faces in them. All she was waiting for was to hear him come walking up the path, with his kill on his shoulder, and she was looking forward to seeing his bearded face light up in a grin at the sight of her covered in flour with a tray of his cookies.

He never came. It grew dark. Still she waited. She didn’t worry. He always came home; he was just late today for some reason.

“I bet he got a moose, and it’s just too heavy to go fast,” she thought to herself. This thought pleased her, because it meant he was okay.

The girl lit all the lanterns and a fire in the mantle, so when he came back he would see the house all bright like a miniature star. The sight would cheer him.

“I hope he gets back soon,” she said aloud. Her tiny voice was beginning to show the worry she refused to entertain in her mind. “The cookies are getting cold.”

Hours passed with no sign of her father, and she fell asleep on the hearth thinking that he would be home any second with meat in tow.

He always came home.



Amberose jerked awake. Her fire had gone out and she’d flung the bear fur off of herself in her sleep. She had this awful feeling of loss down deep in her gut. It was uncomfortable, so she got up to stretch away the feeling of sleep in her muscles and bones.

She sensed that the sun was not too far behind her in waking, so she decided to ready her gear for the day. Today she was going after bigger game, another predator, and for that she needed to be prepared.

She was used to killing and fighting for her life, but looking for a fight was not in her nature. Amberose was very careful to not bite off more than she could chew. That is why she had developed her special weapon styles.

Hunting smaller game, like rabbits and deer was easy, almost too easy for Amberose. All she needed sometimes was her knife or long bow. Yesterday, the knife had worked like a charm. She was wicked fast from her lifestyle, so hunting like that made her feel as if she were a wolf--a legitimate part of the Wild.

It didn’t feel so much like cheating as using the bow did. But when she hunted the bigger predators, she put aside nobility and used her large weapons. When she had come to the Wild, she had brought with her all the weapons she would need.

A bow, a large hunting knife, a strong spear, some nooses for traps, and the rarest of all—a gun. That one, the gun, she disliked using. It was noisy and disturbed the flow of nature. It was unnatural to hunt with it, so she saved it for times when she knew using her favorite weapons would not get the job done safely.

She walked to the place where she kept it hidden and slid it out of its casing. Out of respect, Amberose kept it well-oiled and clean, ready for use. She was loath to touch it. And just as loath to let another Wild One see it. If they knew she had it, they would kill her to acquire it, and she would die trying to protect it from them.

Guns were hard to come by in the Wild. Only the most dangerous of Wild Ones had them, and that was mostly because of the guns that they were dangerous.

She picked the gun up with a sigh and hefted it carefully in her hands. It was not as heavy for her as it used to be…back in the time before. She was suddenly overcome with hatred for the gun and she almost threw it on the ground, but held on at the last second.

It would do her no good to despise a weapon when she needed it for her own survival.

“I’d much rather it had never existed,” she said bitterly as she sat it back down gently and went to look for its ammunition.

Because she used the gun sparingly, her collection of ammunition was still relatively high. She did not anticipate running out of bullets any time soon. The cases of ammo were some she had carried with her in her exodus to the Wild.

She found the boxes behind a pile of wood with an “Aha!” and filled a leather bag with the golden, oblong-shaped pieces of metal. She did not fully understand the chemistry behind how the gun worked, but she knew that without those metal casings jingling in the bag she had tied to her waist, it was just a club of metal and wood.

After fixing a breakfast of deer flesh and tubers she had found a few days ago, when she had startled a wild pig digging them up, she dressed herself in her outfit of tough, brown leather. It protected her as well as anything from scratches and bumps while in the woods.

The boots were made of moose hide, sewn with tough boar skin on the soles to protect her feet. Her pants were softer, and made of doeskin reinforced in the knees and rear with patches of more boar skin. Her shirt was one that came from before. It was worn and soft with dirt stains that she had tried and failed to remove.

It was a light green color, faded from all the years in the sun, and she was afraid for the day when it finally fell apart. On top of that she wore a leather vest of doeskin, with detachable sleeves laced on the outside of her arms. These protected her in close-up fights as well as kept her warmer in the colder months.

She finished dressing just as the sun was peeking its face over the horizon and the pink light lit the trees on fire. The sight was magnificent and for a moment, Amberose forgot everything that was troubling her and only focused on the beauty of nature.

The sun rose quickly dispelling the awe, and she gathered what she needed for the hunting trip. She was going far from the den today, and needed to have enough gear to stay the night if it came to that. She also had to secure her den from intruders, and as she descended from the cliff face and landed on the earth below, she gave the rope ladder a practice flick, and it came undone from its hook on the edge. It fell down to land beside her and she gathered it together to carry with her on her trip.

Her den was effectively shut off to any curious or thieving passerby unless they were extraordinary climbers or had ropes of their own. If that were the case, then she would just have to deal with the consequences.

With one last look, Amberose headed off to the forest to find her predator-prey. Hopefully, before it found her.

In her wake, a shadow in the day followed leisurely, not following too closely as to be noticed. Amberose walked to her destination unknowing of the tail in her wake, and the pale yellow eyes glinted softly in the early morning, dewy air.
After all, it is the pen that gives power to the mythical sword.

"For an Assistant Pig-Keeper, I think you're quite remarkable." Eilonwy

"You also shall be Psyche."

"My only regret
all the Butterflies
that I have killed with my car" Martin Lanaux
  





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Fri Aug 20, 2010 6:41 am
PatriciaTina says...



Hello, hello! Here I am to review your amazing third and fourth chapters of this novel, so let us begin!

Plot

Not much to say here, except good pace. Keep going the way you're going! :)

Character Development

I really like how you added in more details in these chapters about your main character. We got to find out some of what she had been through, but since you didn't reveal everything at once, you left your readers wanting more.

As with your plot, you also have set a good pace of character development, so just keep going with that as well.

However, there is one thing that I should mention. It seems like you're describing a lot of events, but not really going onto the character's thoughts and feelings. Show us more of how she reacts emotionally to the things around her. Make sure you keep a healthy balance of events and feelings/reactions.

Grammar

I did my best to go through this thoroughly as well, though what I found is mostly minor problems that can be fixed easily. But I'll point out my concerns below anyways and you can decide what to do! :)

The cave area was fairly large, and Amberose had obviously enlarged it by chipping away at the cliff.


Your wording here is a bit odd.

It looked like the shadows had been condensed into a slinking form with a pair of glowing orange eyes that never blinked.


The word "been" isn't really necessary.

She traded with them sometimes, careful to show no weakness because one misstep could lead to a knife in the throat, or more likely, the back.


Run-on.

Amberose looked out at the night sky with its twinkling stars and the round face of the moon. Her fire crackled and she smelled the tender meat as it sizzled deliciously.


Just wanted to say that I absolutely adore the imagery here. Good job!

It would soon be ready enough to eat.


"Enough" isn't necessary.

The fire crackled with life, and Amberose snuggled down in a bear fur to watch the night and listen to its music.


A few paragraphs before you also talked about the fire "crackling". Watch out for repetition.

This sentence also seems a bit awkward with the double use of the word "and".

It was chilly even in the summer at night, and her breath condensed into a miniature fog right in front of her face.


Awkward wording.

They lived very happily in that small house nestled in the midst of a grove of conifer trees, the soft needles like a carpet of down on the earth, muffling footsteps.


Unnecessary.

Only the most dangerous of Wild Ones had them, and that was mostly because of the guns that they were dangerous.


Awkward.

She was suddenly overcome with hatred for the gun and she almost threw it on the ground, but held on at the last second.


A bit too "telly". Show us her feelings rather than just saying it outright.

These protected her in close-up fights as well as kept her warmer in the colder months.


Could be just "warm".

Her den was effectively shut off to any curious or thieving passerby unless they were extraordinary climbers or had ropes of their own. If that were the case, then she would just have to deal with the consequences.


This whole paragraph is a bit unnecessary since you already talked about how the den was shut off from anyone else. Watch out for repetition!

Overall

Overall, this is a really good continuation of your novel. I thorougly enjoyed reading this and it left me waiting anxiously for more! All you need to do for it to be perfect is to watch out for pesky awkward sentences and repetition.

I can't wait to read your next chapters! I'll keep an eye out for when you post them up! Good luck in the future, and bye bye for now!

~ Trish :smt006
~ Patricia Tina :smt006

Don't look in the spoiler.

Spoiler! :
I lost the game.

"I always hear punch me in the face when you're speaking, but it's usually subtext."
~ Dr. John Watson
  





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Fri Dec 10, 2010 4:32 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Why is it that I wasn't told about this one? :'(

ah, well. Just read all four of your chapters. As for nitpicks, the reviewer before me did a thorough job.

As for the plot and other stuff, I really enjoy it. Can't nitpick. But you already know how much of a fan I am of your stories and your writing. This one is no exception.

I love how you describe the world, without seeming too. Like, when she says she likes to call the pine needles a carpet, but doesn't know where the word came from. I loved that.

Let me know when you post more?

Your forever fan,

Tanya
  





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Tue Dec 14, 2010 4:19 am
carbonCore says...



Spoiler! :
baywolf25 wrote:Chapter 3

The smell of roasting deer meat filled Amberose’s den. The den itself was an interesting place. [Make it interesting through images and description rather than having us take your word for it] It was set in a cliff face; the only way up was by rope-ladder, which at that moment was rolled up in a corner. Amberose was locked in for the night. In her mind, she was just doing the natural thing.

The cave area was fairly large, and Amberose had obviously [Obvious to whom?] enlarged it by chipping away at the cliff. It went into the rock and dirt wall about twenty feet. The front was covered by a makeshift stone wall with a door woven from pine boughs. [This description feels too unemotional / uninvolved]

There were pine needles scattered across the floor to get rid of the damp earth smell and provide some cushion. She liked to call it a carpet, but didn’t know where that word came from.

The smoke from the fire escaped through a shaft that slanted out of the cave naturally, and it was part of the reason she had chosen this place for her den. The other reasons were its secure location and closeness proximity to a nearby stream for fresh water.

In her lofty den, Amberose felt as close to safe as was possible for a Wild One. After living for so long in the Wild, she had developed a healthy case of paranoia, as did all Wild Ones.

Amberose bent over the fire to add more fuel firewood. ["Fuel" makes me think of furnaces at best and airplanes at worst] She had to keep it going all night to ward away the night creatures. Even though she was high out of reach, some could climb and she did not want to risk being unprepared in case they decided tonight was the night to make a meal of her.

One night when she had been new to the Wild, Amberose had seen a night creature. It looked like the shadows had been condensed into a slinking form with a pair of glowing orange eyes that never blinked. It had stalked her the entire night, and she had only kept it at bay by using her fire.

Ever since then, fire had been her only friend and companion. Well, mostly. [Sounds too conversational for an omniscient third, plus the way you describe other Wild Ones doesn't really hint that they are friends or companions at all] There were the other Wild Ones. She traded with them sometimes, careful to show no weakness because one misstep could lead to a knife in the throat, or more likely, the back.

The Wild Society was a band of cutthroats, each member a single unit able to break away and live alone for long periods of time. No Wild One ever sought out company. They only gathered when they had to for survival. [How 'bout reproduction? :P Also, if they never seek company, how did the society get started? Finally, again, you gotta watch your connotation. "Society" makes me think of top hats, cigars, and chandeliers - what you've got sounds more like a... pack, really]

“The moon is bright tonight,” she said as though speaking to the fire. “The night creatures will hide from her face.” [Movies use this to let the audience know what the character is thinking, it's an accepted convention that the audience won't mind. In a book, where the reader has some time to think about what's going on, a character saying something - anything - with no one else around would feel unusual. I suggest turning this into her thoughts rather than her dialogue]

Amberose looked out at the night sky with its twinkling stars and the round face of the moon. Her fire crackled and she smelled the tender meat as it sizzled deliciously. It would soon be ready enough to eat. She was starving after hunting all day. The young buck would sustain her for a few days until she was able to hunt again. [Until she was able to...? Is she like one of those python snakes that swallow their prey whole and are unable to move until they digest it completely? Or did you mean "until she had to hunt again"?]

Most of the day creatures were peaceful like the young buck, but some, like the cougar, were hunters as well. [Seems rather obvious] She had to be careful everywhere at any time of the day. Her wits were what kept her alive for this long.

The fire crackled with life, and Amberose snuggled down in a bear fur to watch the night and listen to its music. It was chilly even in the summer at night, and her breath condensed into a miniature fog right in front of her face.

She sighed in contentment. She was happy with her life and with living alone. She frowned as she thought about the other Wild Ones. They were vicious most of the time, and not fit company for her. [Try to avoid starting several sentences with the same word]

Amberose was like the lone wolf that sometimes followed her around hoping for some scraps from her latest kill. It was for him that she left the deer entrails in the meadow. He was not a bother, and never seemed inclined to harm her, so she tolerated his presence when she was out in the wilderness.

It was comforting at times to talk to him. Some of the Wild Children had almost forgotten how to speak. they had become so inundated into the Wild. The Wild became inundated with them. [The word "inundated" means "filled with" or "flooded", so "...become so flooded into the Wild"?] She did not wish to be like those Lost Souls. They killed for more than just survival.

She scowled at the thought of their wasting precious meat just for the sport of the hunt. Meat was prized, it gave life in the winter when the world was icy and the wind cut like a knife.

Thinking about the winter reminded Amberose that she needed to kill another bear or cougar soon. She needed the hides and the fur to keep warm, and the ones from last season were getting worn. A raccoon had chewed a hole in the one she was using right then and paid with its own grey and black, ringed hide. [Did this just happen? Feels a bit sudden]

She heard the spectral howl of her wolf-friend [A few paragraphs ago she merely "tolerated" him, now he's her "friend"] from a low hill nearby, and decided the time for sleep had come. Tonight the wolf was keeping guard, and tomorrow would come as it always did with the shining light of the sun beckoning her to the hunt.

“I will hunt tomorrow, my friend,” she said addressing the distant figure of the lone wolf. “May the sun guide me to bounty.”

Lying down with the banked fire to one side and the entrance on the other, Amberose fell into a sleep where her dreams haunted her with visions of her past, and with things she did not quite understand.




Chapter 4

[Having this huge of a section italicized is a no-no. Makes it more difficult to read, and it's not needed, anyway. We already know that she's dreaming, and we will know exactly when she wakes up (at "Amberose jerked awake."]

The wind chimes tinkled softly in the gentle breeze outside her home. Home. That is what that place was called. [Sounds kind of awkward. I'd go with something like "Home, this place was called home."] The house was small, but comfortable for the young girl and her father.

Her father was a hunter. He taught her how to track animals and kill for food. Not for sport. They lived very happily in that small house nestled in the midst of a grove of conifer trees, the soft needles like a carpet of down on the earth, muffling footsteps. [I see what you did there. Very nice!]

The girl was about eight when the tragedy happened. She was home, making cookies for her father, because he loved the way she made chocolate chip faces in them. All she was waiting for was to hear him come walking up the path, with his kill ["Kill" is a very strong word that is generally used to evoke very strong emotions, alongside "sex", "die", and "f--k". It leaps right at you and stabs your eye with a knife, and should generally be used in situations that require this kind of word. Maybe change it to some specific animal? Especially since you've got a bit of an emotional change coming up, you want to soften your reader a bit before the blow, not tense him] on his shoulder, and she was looking forward to seeing his bearded face light up in a grin at the sight of her covered in flour with a tray of his cookies.


He never came. It grew dark. Still she waited. She didn’t worry. He always came home; he was just late today for some reason.

“I bet he got a moose, and it’s just too heavy to go fast,” she thought to herself. This thought pleased her, because it meant he was okay.

The girl lit all the lanterns and a fire in the mantle, so when he came back he would see the house all bright like a miniature star. The sight would cheer him.

“I hope he gets back soon,” she said aloud. Her tiny voice was beginning to show the worry she refused to entertain in her mind. “The cookies are getting cold.”

Hours passed with no sign of her father, and she fell asleep on the hearth thinking that he would be home any second with meat in tow.

He always came home.


Amberose jerked awake. Her fire had gone out and she’d flung the bear fur off of herself in her sleep. She had this an awful feeling of loss down deep in her gut. It was uncomfortable, so she got up to stretch away the feeling of sleep in her muscles and bones.

She sensed that the sun was not too far behind her in waking, so she decided to ready her gear for the day. Today she was going after bigger game, another predator, and for that she needed to be prepared.

She was used to killing and fighting for her life, but looking for a fight was not in her nature. Amberose was very careful to not bite off more than she could chew. That is why she had developed her special weapon styles.

Hunting smaller game, like rabbits and deer was easy, almost too easy for Amberose. All she needed sometimes was her knife or long bow. Yesterday, the knife had worked like a charm. She was wicked fast from her lifestyle, so hunting like that made her feel as if she were a wolf--a legitimate part of the Wild.

It didn’t feel so much like cheating as using the bow did. But when she hunted the bigger predators, she put aside nobility and used her large weapons. When she had come to the Wild, she had brought with her all the weapons she would need.

A bow, a large hunting knife, a strong spear, some nooses for traps, and the rarest of all—a gun. That one, the gun, she disliked using. It was noisy and disturbed the flow of nature. [Why doesn't a bow disturb the flow of nature?] It was unnatural to hunt with it, [How was it unnatural?] so she saved it for times when she knew using her favorite weapons would not get the job done safely.

She walked to the place where she kept it hidden and slid it out of its casing. Out of respect, Amberose kept it well-oiled and clean, ready for use. She was loath to touch it. And just as loath to let another Wild One see it. If they knew she had it, they would kill her to acquire it, and she would die trying to protect it from them.

Guns were hard to come by in the Wild. Only the most dangerous of Wild Ones had them, and that was mostly because of the guns that they were dangerous. [I'm loving this universe more and more]

She picked the gun up with a sigh and hefted it carefully in her hands. It was not as heavy for her as it used to be…back in the time before. She was suddenly overcome with hatred for the gun and she almost threw it on the ground, but held on at the last second.

It would do her no good to despise a weapon when she needed it for her own survival.

“I’d much rather it had never existed,” she said bitterly as she sat it back down gently and went to look for its ammunition.

Because she used the gun sparingly, her collection of ammunition was still relatively high. She did not anticipate running out of bullets any time soon. The cases of ammo were some she had carried with her in her exodus to the Wild. [Good job on providing little crumbs of information like "exodus"]

She found the boxes behind a pile of wood with an “Aha!” and filled a leather bag with the golden, oblong-shaped pieces of metal. She did not fully understand the chemistry behind how the gun worked, but she knew that without those metal casings jingling in the bag she had tied to her waist, it was just a club of metal and wood.

After fixing a breakfast of deer flesh and tubers she had found a few days ago, when she had startled a wild pig digging them up, she dressed herself in her outfit of tough, brown leather. [That part of the sentence is not really necessary and completely breaks the flow of the rest of the sentence] It protected her as well as anything from scratches and bumps [Bumps...?] while in the woods.

The boots were made of moose hide, sewn with tough boar skin [I think sinew would work better than skin - it's finer and handles stretching stress much better (that's what it evolved to do, after all)] on the soles to protect her feet. Her pants were softer, and made of doeskin reinforced in the knees and rear with patches of more boar skin. Her shirt was one that came from before. It was worn and soft with dirt stains that she had tried and failed to remove.

It was a light green color, faded from all the years in the sun, and she was afraid for the day when it finally fell apart. [Wouldn't it be a better idea to protect it as a keepsake rather than actively using it?] On top of that she wore a leather vest of doeskin, with detachable sleeves laced on the outside of her arms. These protected her in close-up fights as well as kept her warmer in the colder months.

She finished dressing just as the sun was peeking its face over the horizon and the pink light lit the trees on fire. The sight was magnificent and for a moment, Amberose forgot everything that was troubling her and only focused on the beauty of nature.

The sun rose quickly dispelling the awe, [You need one more comma in there, either after "rose" or "quickly", depends on which one you like more] and she gathered what she needed for the hunting trip. She was going far from the den today, and needed to have enough gear to stay the night if it came to that. She also had to secure her den from intruders, and as she descended from the cliff face and landed on the earth below, she gave the rope ladder a practice flick, and it came undone from its hook on the edge. It fell down to land beside her and she gathered it together to carry with her on her trip.

Her den was effectively shut off to any curious or thieving passerby unless they were extraordinary climbers or had ropes of their own. If that were the case, then she would just have to deal with the consequences.

With one last look, Amberose headed off to the forest to find her predator-prey. Hopefully, before it found her.

In her wake, a shadow in the day followed leisurely, not following too closely as to be noticed. Amberose walked to her destination unknowing of the tail in her wake, and the pale yellow eyes glinted softly in the early morning, dewy air.


As with the first two chapters, there is a strong feeling of isolation to this world. Your description of the MC's clothing helped me visualize her a bit clearer. I also love how you didn't do the ol' police sketch ("She had brown eyes, red hair, a pretty face..." ...I'm often guilty of this myself, actually). Getting subtle hints across is good. Even no hints is good, since the reader can generate the look that is more fitting to them. For instance, I picture the MC to have blond hair. Why? '\_(o.°)_/' No clue, but it works for me. The pacing of the story is also very smooth, pleasant to read.

There are a few things I wanted to note, however. First off, I would highly advise you do not use dialogue in these chapters. Either that, or have her semi-constantly talk to an imaginary friend (or the wolf, or something), in order to keep her from forgetting human language (think Cast Away). The way you do it right now is neither here nor there, and it's making the work feel less isolated.

Style-wise, you use your page space a bit inefficiently. Your paragraphs are far too small - condense them, or expand what you have with more descriptions or thoughts or whatnot. Most of the problems I found with style I outlined in the text critique anyway, so look there for more concrete information.

Loved these chapters, as I did the last ones, and can't wait to read more. Sublime world-building (though this is all I can say so far, not enough plot/character development yet) dragged me in, and I don't think I'm in any danger of getting out. :P

Your servant,
cC
_
  








For a short space of time I remained at the window watching the pallid lightnings that played above Mont Blanc and listening to the rushing of the Arve, which pursued its noise way beneath. The same lulling sounds acted as a lullaby to my too keen sensations; when I placed my head upon my pillow, sleep crept over me; I felt it as it came and blessed the giver of oblivion.
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein