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Young Writers Society


Sally Crow and the Bullet-less Gun Prologue



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Thu Aug 26, 2010 2:06 pm
TheMadHatter says...



The big clock tower was chiming midnight as The Man In The Crooked Top Hat patiently watched the city of New York through the wall-length window of his vast apartment. He had been waiting for a long time, yet he was still sitting-- perfectly straight--on a large throne-like chair of dark, polished wood. His sharp elbows rested gently on the ornately decorated arms of the chair and his skeletal fingers were steepled, stretching his thin, paper-like skin across his bones in a way that would make even the most skeptical of people question his humanity.

“E-hem,” came an exaggerated cough from the shadows at the back of the room.
“Ah,” sighed The Man In The Top Hat, without turning around, “Baron, you really are a man of your word.”
“That I am sir,” The Baron boomed in his rough, Texan burr that heavily contrasted with the thinner man’s soft, English sough. “I said I’d come and here I am. I believe you have something for me.”
“Yes, Baron,” The Man In The Top Hat whispered reluctantly, “Though I am afraid to let it go. It is of utmost importance that you keep it with you at all times. If this got into the wrong hands…”
“I know sir, I won’t let it out of my sight,” The Baron promised as The Man In The Top Hat slipped a small velvet drawstring purse out of his pocket.
He placed the bag in The Baron’s outstretched hand. “The most dangerous weapon in the world,” The Man In The Crooked Top Hat whispered, “The Bulletless Gun.”
Last edited by TheMadHatter on Sat Jan 08, 2011 12:42 pm, edited 6 times in total.
'The name's Salmon, like the fish. First name, Suzie.'

'Don't make people into heroes, John, they don't exist and if they did I wouldn't be one of them.'

'Curiouser and curiouser said Alice'
  





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Thu Aug 26, 2010 2:52 pm
Button says...



So far.. I love it.

I would watch your levels of description, and perhaps break it up into a couple more paragraphs, but this was wonderful. I love the voice you write with, and how you've given descriptions, as well as titles. I'm not captivated by many story-chapter- type things, but I think I'm going to follow this one. Great job. c:

(especially on building up suspense!)

^____^
Wonderful.
-Coral-
  





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Thu Aug 26, 2010 11:17 pm
Baywolf says...



Howdy TheMadHatter!

Let's get straight to the good stuff eh?
Grammar:
There were a few nitpicks in this area, and I will list and highlight them in red for you to fix at your leisure. :)
He had been waiting for a long time, yet he was still sat, perfectly straight, on a large throne-like chair of dark, polished wood.

This section I would probably just reword slightly by changing it from a past tense (sat) to present (sitting). So, in theory you could say "yet he was still sitting". Another thing I just thought I might throw in was the idea of using hyphens instead of commas to make an impact with description. Ex: "yet he was still sitting--perfectly straight--on a large throne-like chair of dark, polished wood." Just an idea. It helps to keep the reader from stumbling over the multiple commas strewn about a sentence. (Hyphens are just two dashes.)
“Ah,” sighed The Man In The Top Hat, without turning around, “Baron, you really are a man of your word.”

Just add the comma in red.
“That I am sir,” The Baron boomed in his rough, Texan burr that heavily contrasted with the thinner man’s soft, English sough. “I said I’d come and here I am. I believe you have something for me?

Put in a few more separating commas (I know I gave you the hyphen advice, but sometimes commas are necessary), change a comma to a period, and then change a period to a question mark in order to communicate that The Baron is asking The Man In The Top Hat whether he indeed had something for him.
Last nitpick, I swear!
He placed the bag in The Baron’s outstretched hand, and folded its chubby pink fingers over it.

In this I wanted to point out that you needed to change it to say that The Baron "folded his chubby pink fingers over it." You need to find a way to signify that it was The Baron under his own will-power controlling his fingers as they grasped the bag containing the Bulletless Gun. Unless it was The Man In The Top Hat who closed The Baron's fist? In that case, well, somehow you need to show that.

Plot and Such:
Now that all the nasty grammar stuff is out of the way, I feel I can get along to the praise portion of this review. Yay! My favorite part! While this was only about a paragraph long, I felt something akin to excitement as I read it. I was suddenly transported back to the day I first opened Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone and how I felt as the world opened up in a whole new literary way. Until that point, literature was...well, just literature, but Harry Potter was more than just a book about a boy, it was an entirely new world where fun and excitement in equal proportions awaited me. Before I go off on a tangent--as I can feel myself doing at this moment--I would like to state that I felt a glimmer of that excitement, and the most exciting thing about it was the knowledge that it was only a taste of what I think you can do. So, that in mind, I encourage you most heartily to soldier on through this story, because I want to know more--nay!--need to know more.

Happy Writing!
Bailey
After all, it is the pen that gives power to the mythical sword.

"For an Assistant Pig-Keeper, I think you're quite remarkable." Eilonwy

"You also shall be Psyche."

"My only regret
all the Butterflies
that I have killed with my car" Martin Lanaux
  





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Sun Aug 29, 2010 7:53 pm
TheMadHatter says...



Thanks! This was really helpful. I can't believe I'm being compared to J.K Rowling! The only problem is, I don't know what happens next either. I really didn't do any planning for this, it was a spur-of-the-moment decision to write it. I've had some ideas for characters (that's my favorite part of story writing) but I have no idea whatsoever about where the story is going. Any advice?
'The name's Salmon, like the fish. First name, Suzie.'

'Don't make people into heroes, John, they don't exist and if they did I wouldn't be one of them.'

'Curiouser and curiouser said Alice'
  





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Tue Aug 31, 2010 12:39 pm
retrodisco666 says...



Hey,

This was very interesting. It looks like it could go some place good, yet you don't know where. Have you thought about bringing in Sally Crow and what so special about her? Or maybe bringing in a bad guy. I felt this was leaning more towards fantasy than action/adventure if I am being honest. It felt almost like the Percy Jackson series. Well I hope you figure out where you are going with this, as I would love to read more.

~Retro Disco66
'I have loved to the point of madness, which for me is the only true way to love'
~Francoise Sagan
  





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Tue Aug 31, 2010 10:20 pm
Shearwater says...



Hello MadHatter! Pink here, dropping by for a review.

I do have a few nitpicks that I'd like to point out, so bare with me >,<

The big clock tower was chiming midnight as The Man In The Crooked Top Hat patiently watched the city of New York through the wall-length window of his vast apartment

Why is 'The man in the crooked top hat' in capital letters?
Also, this sentence looks a little long...although maybe it's just the way I'm reading it.

and his skeletal fingers steepled,

I'm not sure, but I don't think steeple is being used right. I would double check that, just in case. Maybe I should double check too, though, haha.

“The most dangerous weapon in the world” The Man In The Crooked Top Hat whispered, “The Bulletless Gun.”

First of all, amazing. I love the 'bullet-less gun' it sounds so cool :D
Secondly, you need a comma after world, lol.

~~~


Overall, I enjoyed this preface. It was neat and you did an amazing job at building the suspense, as mentioned before.
It felt like I was diving into another world, filled with magic and all that fantasy goodness. It's capturing, and you know you're going to be immersing yourself in a different world and that thought was enough to get me excited. I love a good book and it seems like you have a great start and I'm actually willing to read more so if you end up posting more do you mind dropping me a note or posting a quick message on my WRFF thread, the link's in my sig.
Cheers,

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham
  





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Fri Sep 03, 2010 11:22 am
TheMadHatter says...



OK, first things first. 'The Man In The Crooked Top Hat' is in capital letters because that's basically his name. He is a mysterious character, who keeps himself to himself and tries not to get involved in things unless they directly effect him. He will be referred to as The Man In The Crooked Top Hat (and variations of that) throughout the book, and when people talk to him they always call him 'sir' etc. Sally will probably discover more about him later on, but not necessarily in this book (there will be more).
Also- yes, that sentence is pretty long, but I don't think I can shorten it without losing a lot of information. It is the first sentence of the book after all, so it kind of gives you an overview of everything (the setting, the character etc.)
I don't know if I have used 'steepled' right, but this is how I have always seen it used in books I have read and it works, so I think I'll leave it how it is.
Thanks for pointing out the comma thing, I hadn't noticed. I have changed that now.
-hatter
'The name's Salmon, like the fish. First name, Suzie.'

'Don't make people into heroes, John, they don't exist and if they did I wouldn't be one of them.'

'Curiouser and curiouser said Alice'
  





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Fri Dec 17, 2010 5:01 pm
TheMadHatter says...



Have changed it to 'his fingers were steepled'. I think that's how it's supposed to be. Thanks for pointing it out. :)
'The name's Salmon, like the fish. First name, Suzie.'

'Don't make people into heroes, John, they don't exist and if they did I wouldn't be one of them.'

'Curiouser and curiouser said Alice'
  








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