Young Writers Society

Chapter 3 is out if you would like to read it, anyone!
It is the most action-packed chapter yet. It will surely meet your needs! Well, possibly.

Firstly I love war stories/films.
I am not a big grammar nerd this the main thing I spotted.

Aeropostale wrote:The relentless woodlands of Northern Vietnam were almost too much to bear.

Just a little mistake, should be written as "bare" rather than the animal
The description of the sounds going on around them was fantastic in my opinion it really gives a sense of what they are hearing as they traverse the jungle although one thing was a lack of descriptive words of the jungle itself I couldn't really picture the actual jungle they were crossing, was there tall canopies high above? Where the bushes at their feet so thick they were having trouble pushing forwards?
Nonetheless war situations in general are really difficult to describe as are battles in particular and you have done a fairly decent job of projecting the situation. One last thing as a tip, it may be worthwhile to post a "Dramatis Personae" on your novel page or at the top each chapter, giving their full name, origin, a short comment about them etc. so we can keep track of characters, which in war stories is particularly hard as they often go by their last names and their ranks often change etc.
Overall, it is quite a nice little beginning.

HMASNameless wrote:Firstly I love war stories/films.
I am not a big grammar nerd this the main thing I spotted.

Aeropostale wrote:The relentless woodlands of Northern Vietnam were almost too much to bear.

Just a little mistake, should be written as "bare" rather than the animal
The description of the sounds going on around them was fantastic in my opinion it really gives a sense of what they are hearing as they traverse the jungle although one thing was a lack of descriptive words of the jungle itself I couldn't really picture the actual jungle they were crossing, was there tall canopies high above? Where the bushes at their feet so thick they were having trouble pushing forwards?
Nonetheless war situations in general are really difficult to describe as are battles in particular and you have done a fairly decent job of projecting the situation. One last thing as a tip, it may be worthwhile to post a "Dramatis Personae" on your novel page or at the top each chapter, giving their full name, origin, a short comment about them etc. so we can keep track of characters, which in war stories is particularly hard as they often go by their last names and their ranks often change etc.
Overall, it is quite a nice little beginning.

Actually, bear is correct. I checked it online and it said "put up with something or somebody unpleasant".
As of: http://www.google.com/search?sclient=psy&hl=en&safe=active&client=firefox-a&hs=OJ9&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&q=define%3A+bear&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&oq=&pbx=1

Also, thank you for the compliment.

Hiya! I'm back to review this first chapter.

You seem to already have a few nice, decent reviews for this so I won't really go into this as much so you're spared the long review that I would have normally done in this situation. However, there are still a few things that caught my eyes as I read this. Now, before I say anything, let me remind you that I barely skimmed the previous reviews so I might be repeating a few things here and there so don't let it bother you. ^.^

Now, for the most part, this chapter was good and you brought in some heavy action along with it to capture the readers interest. As for the introduction, I think you did a pretty good job pulling the readers into the story. Now, I've said this before that you sort of lack in description but you have a thing where you, somehow, still are able to make pretty decent imagery out of little use of words and that's very good. I find that less, more powerful description seem to work better since it's more flexible to 'imagine' and thus creating a more vivid picture for the readers. Though, I still think there are places where you could use more 'umpth'. For example, try using more of the five senses. Touch, feel, see, hear, etc. They can be quite powerful and will make your story feel more alive.

I noticed that you had some punctuation problems here and there but I'm not going to point them out. I'm sure that I'd given you a link in my last review about that so you could always go and take a quick peek. Surely have time to revise this and make it even better too. ^.^ Anyway, as the others have mentioned, try to give us more information on what NVAs and all that mean. I'm pretty sure that NVAs mean North Vietnamese though, right? :/ *fail*

Alright, all in all this was a good beginning. A bit rushed in my opinion - try slowing down your pace - but it was good. Also it was a bit short for a chapter so maybe you could event try to make your next ones slightly longer so you can push in more details and all. I'll be on to the next chapter.

-Pink