Young Writers Society

I could hear his laughter all around me. My heart pounded as i ran and lept over the forest floor.
“Why are you running Calipso? You know I don't bite... hard” he cackled.
I lept over a fallen log and ran faster. I heard his wing beats right over head so I veered left into the thicker part of the trees. I found my tree and pushed on the knot and the ground fell away from beneath me. I heard the ground close back up above me as I slid down into something soft that smelled of rosemary. The room was lit with the luminescence of glowing purple crystals growing out of the cracks in the walls of the cave. I sat in silence for a moment and took it from it's hiding place and wrote my plea.
“To those who find this journal please keep it safe at all costs. I may have only just scratched the surface of something much bigger than Weeping willow. If this journal were to fall into the wrong hands…” There was a heavy thud that came from above which caused a few clouds of dirt to fall. I put the journal in its hiding place in the ceiling above the large rosemary mushrooms. I said the spell, that sealed the compartment with the most powerful curse. I took my blade from the scabbard on my back and stood at ready for him. There were a few thuds and then I heard the crash. I took a deep breath.
“Well, well, Calipso." the booming voice eccoed though the opening. "You have no where left to run, or hide.” He smiled menacingly. “Where is the journal?”
“You’ll never find it.”
“Where’s the journal!?” He demanded.
“I’ll die before you find it.” I spat at him.
He smiled at me and narrowed his eyes. “That can be arranged.” The breath caught in my throat. In a blinding flash of pain a spike, like lightning, flew out of his chest and shot me through the stomach. I smiled back at him as blood fell from my lips.
“You’ll never find it Falco. No matter how much you search you’ll never find it. Only the one who will love one of your kind can find it. That will never…” I spit out some blood to the floor. “ happen.” I fell to the ground and he picked me up and shook me with his talons. Screaming my name, cursing me as the darkness fell over my eyes. I laughed and look toward the light as I was enveloped by the cold sweeping embrace of death.

Running through the woods I could hear his laughter all around me. I think you should just start with "I could hear his laughter all around me." Then add the description of what she's doing. It's action/adventure, so it helps to start and finish with bolder statements.“Come out; come out, where ever you are Calipso. Not too important, but I would put "come out, come out, wherever you are" or "come out, come out Calipso," but not the whole thing. I don’t bite… much.” He cackled. I ran faster but I heard his wing beats right over head so I veered off into the thicker part of the trees. Bit of a run-on sentence here... I found my tree and pushed on the knot. The door opened and I fell inside. The door closed behind me and I fell into something soft that smelled of rosemary. The room was lit with the luminescence of glowing purple crystals growing out of the wall like plants that have wandered their way through the wall causing it to crack. I sat in silence and got out a journal and wrote my plea [ to those who find this journal.] I would just take out the part in thet brackets, because it's explained in the next sentece.“To those who find this journal please keep it safe at all costs. I may have only just scratched the surface of something much bigger than Weeping willow. If this journal were to fall into the wrong hands…” There was thud on the ceiling. I put the journal in its secret compartment in the ceiling above the large rosemary mushrooms. I said the last spell, a silent spell that sealed the compartment with my most powerful curse. I took my blade from the scabbard on my back and stood at ready for him. There were a few thuds and then I heard the crash. I took a deep breath. “Well, well, Calipso. You have no where left to run, or hide.” He smiled menacingly. “Where is the journal?” Press enter between different changes in speaker.“You’ll never find it.” “Where’s the journal!?” He demanded. “I’ll die before you find it.” I spat at him. He smiled at me and narrowed his eyes. “That can be arranged.” In a blinding flash of pain a spike like lightning flew out of his chest and shot me through the stomach. I smiled back at him as blood fell from my lips. “You’ll never find it Falco. No matter how much you search you’ll never find it. Only the one who will love of your kind can find it. That will never…” I spit out some blood to the floor. “ happen.” I fell to the ground and he picked me up and shook me with his talons. Screaming my name, cursing me as the darkness fell over my eyes. I laughed and look toward the light as I was enveloped by the cold sweeping embrace of death.

As far as plot goes, I think this is a pretty good hook. What you need to work on is sentence fluency, because believe it or not, stories need to flow just like poetry does. Read it aloud and find out where sentences should be longer or shorter; typically faster-paced places need shorter sentences so they're almost choppy and intense (but don't go overboard). Times where it slows you add more description with longer sentences, such as when she enters the room. Anyway, just keep tweaking this and I think it could be really good. Just message me if you're wanting reviews on anything else.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

“Come out; come out, where ever you are Calipso. I don’t bite… much.” He crackled.

So this is talking, and when you have a new line of talking you need to make a new paragraph. Also you put a comma before a name, in this case Calipso. And just a suggestion, instead of saying much I think hard is funnier:D Make the period after much and make he lowercase.

I ran faster but I heard his wing beats right over head so I veered off into the thicker part of the trees.

I think this is a little rambly. It doesn't flow very well. Reword it?

The room was lit with the luminescence of glowing purple crystals growing out of the wall like plants that have wandered their way through the wall causing it to crack.

This is definitely a run on sentence.

I sat in silence and got out a journal and wrote my plea to those who find this journal.

You repeated journal.

So just remember to start a paragraph each tome someone new if talking and get rid of all the run on sentences you have. I think this is an okay story, but it doesn't flow well at all. Sorry if I was harsh...
Regan<3