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Young Writers Society


Chapter 1



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Mon Dec 13, 2010 10:12 pm
Elong451 says...



Hello my name is Katelyn, but my friends call me Kat. I go to a school in the mountains called Weeping Willow Grove High School with my two best friends Blake and Lucas. The school holds grades sixth through twelfth, and kids come from all over the country to go here. It is so massively gigantic that even I, known to be an explorer, haven’t seen everything here. I even get lost from time to time.
A couple of months ago a new kid was dropped off to our lovely school. Of course because it’s a high school and it’s out in the middle of nowhere people have nothing better to do than bother the new people by giving them a before they even go to class their first day. Although I really think this story is just gossip anymore.
“Hey you. What’s your name?” I asked as I sat next to the new kid, waiting for Blake and Lucas to get their lunch. “My name’s Katelyn, but you can call me Kat.”
“My name is Arthur, and it’s very nice to meet you. By the way, you may call me Art.” He said in a surprisingly elegant British accent. He had short brown hair, blue eyes, and a normal body type. You couldn’t tell there was anything different about him on the outside, but I saw it in his eyes. I couldn’t quite tell what it was, but whatever it was is very interesting.
“Is there something wrong?” He asked worriedly.
“No, it’s Nothing, sorry.” I looked away realizing I was staring. “Do you mind if I sit here and eat next to you while I wait for my friends?”
“I don’t mind at all.” He said as I set my tray down next to him. “Wait, are those your friends? The Berks with their mouths open over there?” He chortled. I had no idea what Berk was but I was betting it wasn’t a nice thing to say. I looked at the guys trying to make my face look annoyed, but I felt like laughing right along with Art. Their faces were just so funny. Blake and Lucas ran to the table picked me up and ran to another table at the end of the cafeteria, leaving my tray next to a dumbfounded Art.
“What the heck, guys! What was that for” I angrily whispered, as they sat me down. Blake and Lucas exchanged glances. Blake lifted me up and sat me down on his lap restraining me.
“Ok, Lucas, tell her the news” Blake said evilly, and held tighter as I struggled.
“Kat, you know he likes it when you struggle so stop.” Lucas told me blandly. “Seriously, have you not heard the story on that guy?” I gave him and irritable glare. “Ah, so you haven’t Naughty, naughty.” He snaps his fingers and Blake relaxes the hold but still doesn’t let go. “Get comfortable Kat because I don’t want you near that thing again.”
“What, Why not!?” I exclaim and there is an awkward silence over the cafeteria so my shout gets heard. Lucas sighs and looks at me fingers laces together.
“Ok, here’s the deal. Apparently the rumor is that he is dangerous. Dangerous as in deadly. Dangerous as in…”
“Pie?” Blake cuts in.
“No, I was thinking more of a murderer.” Lucas says looking at Blake forgetting about me for a second.
“BAH-LONE-EI!” I spit in his face. Blake grabs his sandwich and puts some in my mouth.
“MMMMMFFFF!” I give up and start chewing. Lucas keeps talking. “He apparently is the great, great, great, great, great…” Blake made snoring noises, and Lucas looked annoyed. “ grandson of jack the ripper. He just transferred here from a reform school in Britton. He’s bad news Kat. Stay away from him, or Blake will make you.”
I swallow the sandwich, unhappily but at least I got some lunch, and mumble under my breath.
“That’s a good girl, kitty Kat.” Blake whispers in my ear. When he does this I can’t help but smile, so I cover my mouth up and act like I’m sneezing. Blake lets me go and I get up and walk over to Art’s table to get my tray. I whisper to him because the guys are watching “I’m so sorry. I love my best friends just not when they’re over protective. We have got to talk when they aren’t around.” He nods, as I drop the napkin with my email on it, and walk away. I drop the lunch into the trash and put my tray up. The guys come to either side of me, still talking about what they have heard about Art. “They say he hasn’t got a mother or father because he killed them.” Lucas says. “Nonsense, jack the ripper only killed prostitutes.” Blake retorts. “Yeah, you’re right. I also heard that he likes girls with brown hair and blue eyes.” Lucas laughs and nudges me. Yes, I have long brown hair and dark blue eyes, but I think he just made that up to try and scare me. I did jump when the bell rang though. Two more bells till I get to go home and check my email, such wishful thinking was frowned upon in school.
“Pay attention to the music! We really need you to play that small soli right.” Mr. Lee angrily said as he tapped on my stand with his baton. “Sorry.” I mumbled. “That’s ok Kat just play the B flat. one and two and three and…” He strikes the down beat and I forget temporarily about Art. The next period was even worse, because Blake and Lucas had it with me.
“Alright! Go get changed out!” The girls and guys all go to their separate locker rooms. The girls chatter noisily as I put on my sneakers and stretch. “I saw what you did today, that was brave. Going over and sitting next to him like that.” My friend Maggie says to me as she puts away her gym bag into her locker. I notice she has been dyeing her hair red lately. It looks alright with her; anybody else and I would have laughed. “I, of course, would be out of my mind to do anything like that.” She says matter-of-factly.
“Maggie you’re just jealous I had the nerve to sit next to him” I said smugly. “Ok fine. Just don’t go over there again. I worry about you. You always liked the mysterious ones.” She said as we walk out of the locker rooms. Today is volleyball and it is boys against girls. Lucas and Blake grin at me like little devils from across the court, as my team prepares to serve. Brittany is serving, she has got short black hair, a pale complexion, and she is very skinny. She hits it and the ball goes over the net. One of the guys near the back hits it. Then it comes straight at me. I wasn’t prepared because I was thinking about Art again, and I panic and hit it so hard it flies up and when it comes back down it hits Blake in the head and he goes down. The coach runs over to him and gets Blake up. “Kat, Take him to the nurse!” He yells at me while Lucas laughs so hard he is bending over holding his stomach. The coach goes over and hits him on the back so he falls over. “Ok Lucas thanks for volunteering to clean up after school.” The coach smiles as he walks over and blows the whistle to begin the game again.
I drag/carry Blake to the nurse, and I just happen to see art walk down the hall. He stops and runs over to me. “What the heck happened?” He asks astonished at the sight of the beefy Blake being carried by very tired and embarrassed Kat. “You don’t want to know.” I say ashamed. “Could you help me carry him?” “Sure, Kat.” He says lifting Blake’s other arm over his shoulder and we march down the hall. “I’m sorry for causing you to go to all this trouble.” I say sheepishly and a little more embarrassed. “No problem he really isn’t that heavy.” He says in that dreamy accent of his. I snap out of it and ask, “ so, what were you doing out of class?” “I was going to the office, they say my mother dropped something off for me,” He says with a confused look. I wonder if this means that what Lucas heard wasn’t true. “but that would be odd seeing as how both my parents died in a fire when I was four.” Oh, well, only half untrue anyway. I opened the door to the nurse’s office and she is typing away furiously with her glasses high up on her nose. She Looked away for a second to glance at who came in, and then stopped typing and really looked at us. “What happened to him.” She asked just as astonished as Art was. My face flushed scarlet, as I started stuttering. “In Gym class he got hit in the head with a volley ball.” I said finally.
“Ok well lay him down on the bed and I’ll take a look at him.” She said typing Blake’s name on a medical form. She got up and got a Zip-Lock bag and gave it to me. “Ok go to the cafeteria and fill this up with ice. Art you are needed in the office.” She said directing him out. “Yes, nurse Joy.” Art said walking through the door to the office. Blake was waking up slowly, and the nurse came over and talked to him about how much his head hurt on a scale of one to ten. Blake said five and tried to get up but the nurse made him lay back down. “Kat, you brought me all the way to the nurse’s office?” The nurse was about to tell him about Art when I talked first. “Yes, and you’re very heavy. Good thing I’ve been lifting weights” I said jokingly. He smiled and laughed. I just had to smile too. I saw the nurse caught on, and I thought bitterly that of course she has heard the rumors too. I left to go get the ice while the nurse called his mom.
When I got back he was a sleep and the nurse was in the office talking to the principal. I heard a little of their conversation as I walked over to Blake. “His mom can’t come because she is at work. It is about the end of school already, and he seems ok.” She told the principal.
“Ok then he can go home on regular schedule.” He tells her as he turns on the intercom to start announcements. I hear the nurse’s click-click of her heals on the tile as she enters the room. “Could you go get his stuff from the gym when you get yours and meet me back here? You have a permit right?” I nod “Well I know you know where he lives, he usually rides the bus but I think he needs to go straight home, would you please take him?” I slowly shake my head yes. If Lucas hears about this he won’t let us live it down.
I race down the hall to the gym and grab my stuff out of my locker not even attempting to change out and had one of the boys get Blake’s stuff. I tie my hair up in a pony tail so it won’t get in my way as I speed back down the hall to the nurse. When I open the door sort of tussled and Blake, with the help of the nurse, is standing up. I went over to help them as I put both bags on my back. Why was I doing all this? The thought suddenly occurred to me. Blake had teased me a bunch of times when I got hurt, and so did Lucas. I still cared about them, a lot actually.
Last edited by Elong451 on Mon Feb 07, 2011 6:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
to be continued.....
  





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Mon Dec 13, 2010 11:42 pm
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PinkViper says...



Since you need help in splitting this up a bit, do not fear! I guess this won't really be a review, but here we go.

I would say to definitely make the whole first paragraph your prologue. It would be short and sweet, which is good. When the reader sees it, they won't be overwhelmed by how much there is to read.

After the prologue, your first chapter should start (obviously :) ) with
Hello my name is Katelyn, but my friends call me Kat.


Your next chapter should probably start with where you say
I still remember the first time I met Blake.


I know this might make that last chapter quite short, but bear with me. I think the next one should start where Blake wakes up.
He was waking up now, he yawned and stretched and carefully rubbed his head.


Start the next one here:
I got up later because the sky was getting dark with storm clouds.


Next, here:
We arrived at Blake’s house and Art said good-bye and left, just as Blake’s mom’s car was coming up the driveway.


Next:
Later that night I felt cold and woke up realizing Blake had left me to sleep alone.


Next:
After what felt like an hour of soaking in the hot, pepperminty bath water when I felt the heat return to my body.


Next:
I woke up when someone tapped me on the shoulder.


Alright, those are the places I think are best to separate the chapters. If you feel there is somewhere better, go for it! These are merely suggestions.

Once you split this all up, it'll be much easier for someone to review it. Make sure you pay attention to where you start new paragraphs. I know you probably squished them all together in the interest of space. Anyway, PM me if you want me to review your finished work!

Happy I could (somewhat) help.

~Bella
CiNeMa BiZaRrE <3
  





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Reviews: 13
Tue Dec 14, 2010 5:20 pm
Elong451 says...



Thank you bella!
to be continued.....
  





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Wed Dec 15, 2010 2:53 am
PinkViper says...



You're so welcome! :D
CiNeMa BiZaRrE <3
  





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Tue Feb 08, 2011 4:16 pm
wolfgirl13 says...



Hey It's a really good first chapter. My only problem is that it's a bit fast paced. Everything doesn't need to happen now, you can save some of your secrets or your plot until later. I can't wait to read more, and I love your characters. You writing is really descriptive too.
Keep up the amazing work :) Keri :)
  





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Points: 1010
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Tue Feb 08, 2011 4:16 pm
wolfgirl13 says...



Hey It's a really good first chapter. My only problem is that it's a bit fast paced. Everything doesn't need to happen now, you can save some of your secrets or your plot until later. I can't wait to read more, and I love your characters. You writing is really descriptive too.
Keep up the amazing work :) Keri :)
  





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Tue Feb 08, 2011 10:02 pm
charcoalspacewolfman says...



First thing I noticed wrong was that there's something missing where it says "...bother the new people by giving them a before they even..." Giving them a what? Second thing, unless Art is being pretentious, you should eliminate "By the way" when he says Kat can call him Art. It's not really by the way; it's smack in the middle of Introduction Road.
You have numerous punctuation problems, some capitalization issues and what's the deal with all the tense changes? I'm all for writing in present tense, but you keep flipping back and forth from past to present to past. Choose one and stick with it.
The story doesn't sound too bad, aside from the writing errors (make sure to proofread and read aloud). Art sounds like a closet murderer, of course, and I'm wondering if he really is as nice of a guy as he acts...the friends are appropriately annoying with their overprotectiveness and Kat is appropriately naive while trusting the guy mainly because of his accent. Sounds good, you should keep going. Just remember to check it over several times.
HMS Tragedy?! We should-we should have known!!!
  





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Sat Feb 12, 2011 12:03 am
GrenadeCatcher says...



Oooh I didn't even want to read this... I couldn't get past the boring cliche opening! Don't take it personally, but "hi my name is..." does NOT grab my attention and want to read more. Also, I didn't want to read it because there aren't any noticable paragraphs. It makes it hard to keep place of where you are and follow on. Weave what you have as the beginning in throughout the story and make a new one instead. Hope I helped a little :)
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