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Introduction to Super Duper + 1st Chapter



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Wed Aug 04, 2010 10:57 pm
Baywolf says...



I've debated whether or not to just make the intro a part of the first chapter. I can't seem to decide. I really like it separated, but I've had some feedback that said the other way would be better. I've included it in a spoiler so you can see it included and taken out and get an idea of how it would look either way. Any thoughts? Oh, and this is definitely a remodeled version of the first draft. Haha.

Spoiler! :
An Introduction of Sorts

When people think about super heroes, they automatically picture Superman or The Flash. Colorful uniforms, dramatic fight scenes, and witty dialogue are all trademarks of the heroic image. It’s evident from the media available to society, that the stereotype is preferred.

Who wants to hear about boring? No one. People want action. They want a protagonist who discovers he or she has a talent for saving the world from evil forces, and then uses it to save mankind from the desperate clutches of Dr. Something-or-other. Cue dramatic music and the fade to black.

Blah, blah, blah. Same old story. It looks pretty good on the silver screen. Even I used to get sucked into the shining world of those heroes. That was before.

What changed? If only it were that simple. Better question: where should I begin? My life is one big “What if?” What if the bad guys were honest about their intentions? What if the truth was easy to find? What if—what if trust came delivered in a neat package?

My account isn’t like those that Hollywood and everyone else wants to believe. Sometimes the truth isn’t exciting, and other times it’s downright dirty. In fact, you might say that at some time in my life I was one of those villains rampaging through a fictional metropolis. We all have been at one point or another. The story I’m going to tell you isn’t full of the bias that society has come to gobble-up about the good guys—those white knights of hypocrisy.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. It all started—as every hero tale must—on a typical Tuesday in a place of small consequence…






Chapter 1: Endings and Such Nonsense

I sniffed the air. It was thick; humidity was high, even for it being the middle of the summer in Mississippi. It was that oppressive weight that drove me to the swimming hole that day. I was in search of cooler temperatures.

I loved the heat, if only because the cure was a dip in the cool water of the local swimming hole. It was there that I went every summer to trade one kind of wet for the other kind, and in my opinion, the best type. I loved the water. Sweating? Not so much.

“Are ya coming in, Lulu?” called an unmistakably teenage and male voice. The origin of the question was Tommy Shanson. Tommy had been my best friend since before I could tell time. Ours was one of those easy friendships that only kids can make and keep. No one can tell you how they start, but the beauty of a friendship like mine and Tommy’s was in the simplicity. We were friends and it was as simple as that.

From my vantage point, I could just barely see his suntanned feet toeing the muddy bank. It was hard to tell sometimes where mud and sand ended and actual water began. Everyone knew you just had to wade on in and find out or jump on faith and hope for the best.

“In a minute!” I yelled back at him.

The top of his blond head shone almost white in the hot noon sun. His hair was always sticking up slightly in the front and I liked to joke that a cow had licked his forehead when he was born. He’d deny it every time and hastily try to flatten it with his hands, but only succeed in making the strands stick out straight in front of him like the brim of a cap. It was cute.

I sighed and fingered my own coppery hair that was twisted back in a braid. I despised my hair. It’s amazing how many redhead jokes kids can come up with over the years. Not that I cared too much what they said. At least not much.

The bark of the old oak I was perched in was rough against the tender inside skin of my arm, and I knew without looking that I would have a wavy pattern on my skin when I pulled away. I still remember what that felt like, even today. It’s not something you can forget.

A gnarled limb twisted out in a fair resemblance of a diving board over the river depths, and I squinted as my eyes caught some of the light reflecting from the brown water about twenty feet below. I shook off my unease at the height, and focused again on what I was going to accomplish.

I hoped anyway.

“Aw! Hurry up! You’ve been putting this off forever, and the water couldn’t be any better right now!” Tommy was taunting me, as usual, his voice cracking with the strain of puberty. I’d noticed lately that he was reaching that point in his life where awkwardness would soon turn into strength and baby fat into steel. The realization made me sad and excited all in one, and I wasn’t quite sure as to why.

“I said, give me a minute!” I called back. “You can’t rush greatness!”

He shook his head and laughed at me, making me wish I had chosen a pine tree so I could chuck a pine cone at him. I’m known for many things, pine cone tossing accuracy being chief among them. I was stalling and he’d called me out on it. For that, he’d have to pay.

It’s never been one of my accomplishments in life to be able to stand readily by and deal with mockery. I guess the best word to describe me is unalterable. I really don’t like change or being mocked. Probably never will.

My momma once told me, in one of her rare fits of visibility, that “We all have a purpose in life darlin, it just takes some people longer to get to it is all.” I wondered at the time if she had been drinking with daddy. I didn’t give much thought to it until that summer, when it felt like everything was going to change.

And then those words were constantly in the forefront of my mind, tantalizing me, making my heart ache with some emotion that eluded me. It wasn’t enough my body was changing, but I had to have those emotional issues as well. Stupid puberty.

Anyway, I took a final, steeling, deep breath of that cloying magnolia laden air, and I ran along that springboard limb like a little monkey at the circus. My final act was to fling myself out as far as I could over the river.

The force of my momentum whipped my braid back and I felt the adrenalin rushing in my veins, creating an enlivening awareness as I plummeted to land in the water. The high that base jumpers or skydivers get enveloped me completely and wild laugh pulled itself from my open mouth. I just considered myself lucky that I hadn’t swallowed a love bug. Those creatures taste awful. (Don’t ask.)

The tricky part that was supposed to be so dang impressive involved me turning a back flip in mid-air before I hit the water. Not an easy feat when you don’t even know how to do back flips normally. Feel free to roll your eyes at my stupidity.

But no one here said I was being careful.

Or even remotely sane.

Right around the point where I should have been flipping, I froze. It was like someone had pressed pause on the movie of my life, and when it played again, the movie continued but not in the way I had intended. No, definitely not like how I’d imagined.

With almost twice my initial velocity, I smacked into the water back first and that’s when I felt it. The hit. The tree. I had been hit by a tree. Or rather, I hit a tree. My body was broken. I knew that much.

Pain was everywhere. It. Was. Horrible.

The real sticker in the situation was my paralyzed state. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t move a single muscle and I was going to drown.

The water—which only seconds before I had seen as a comfort from the overbearing heat—was pushing at me; dragging at my body; trying to work its nasty little way into my mouth and nose to suffocate me with its presence. It was the enemy then, and I hated it for its false innocence on that hot day, for tricking me into believing it was my friend.

Friends don’t try to kill you, or so I was led to believe. But then again, we all learn something new every day.

Just…hold…on… I thought desperately as the pain riddled my body and darkness began to creep its way into my waterlogged mind.

Giving in was almost a relief, I think. I couldn’t even tell the difference between breathing water and breathing air. My hot lungs were soothed by coolness and I was thankful regardless of where it came from.

The river claimed me for its own, and fighting that muddy water was something many people despaired against each year. It didn’t give anything back, if you weren’t able to keep up.

I’d lost a couple hats in there over my lifetime of coming to that swimming hole.

I just never thought I’d lose myself as well.

Like the Lady of Shalott, I floated to Camelot.

2556 days later…

On Tuesday, June 12th, 2007, I woke up. And from that moment, I wished I never had, because then things would have been much less disturbing.

Maybe.




Join the page for Super Duper! Here's the link!http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/page.php?id=835
Last edited by Baywolf on Sun Feb 13, 2011 7:14 pm, edited 2 times in total.
After all, it is the pen that gives power to the mythical sword.

"For an Assistant Pig-Keeper, I think you're quite remarkable." Eilonwy

"You also shall be Psyche."

"My only regret
all the Butterflies
that I have killed with my car" Martin Lanaux
  





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Thu Aug 05, 2010 7:23 pm
brassnbridle says...



Definitely... Interesting. I must admit, I've never read a book where the main character dies in the first chapter. :)
Now, I want you to know this- you have a very solid writing style. Your narrator speaks with a strong tone. Nothing overly awkward, no place were you seem to be scrambling for how to explain something.

Which leads to the only major flaw- this piece in incredibly wordy. When your telling about her friendship with Tommy and their swimming outing, you need to keep in mind where your plot is headed and keep only the necessary facts to get there, or else you're going to loose your readers attention from what could be a really unique piece. Be wary of going off on tangents that don't really affect the plot. For example, you don't need to do more than mention the size of the oak, you don't need to tell us about the ants, or shirt ironing, or tell us why she doesn't need a license even though she wants one, or go into an in-depth examination of her relationship with her mom. You could sum up the important facts about her and Tommy in a paragraph, and her fears and thoughts on jumping in another. Eventually it gets to the point where all the reader can think is 'Arrr- jump already!'

Another example-
Pain was everywhere. It. Was. Horrible.

The pain however was unlike anything I had ever felt before in my life. Sharp and unconfined to one location.

The thrumming pain coursed through my nerves, making me want to scream with the horror of it.

lol, a reader could read any one of these and understand that your MC is in extreme pain. Same thing with her drowning. And with her falling unconscious.

As I said before, you have a solid, defined style that's entertaining to read. Just streamline your facts- I'm betting you could cut the length of this in half and still have a full, complete, but more to the point chapter.
Hope this helped!
If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it.~Toni Morrison

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Fri Aug 06, 2010 3:18 pm
Baywolf says...



Thanks so much for the reviews! I appreciate each and every one! I'm in the process of revising what I've done so far (which if you're reading this, you've probably read the newer, shortened version of the intro and ch 1). If you want to read more, please join my page. The link is included at the end of the chapter. :) Thanks!
Last edited by Baywolf on Mon Dec 06, 2010 2:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
After all, it is the pen that gives power to the mythical sword.

"For an Assistant Pig-Keeper, I think you're quite remarkable." Eilonwy

"You also shall be Psyche."

"My only regret
all the Butterflies
that I have killed with my car" Martin Lanaux
  





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Wed Nov 03, 2010 1:41 am
IgnisandGlacialis says...



Oh. My. Galoshes.
This was amazing. Absolutely, incredibly ... wow. It was wonderfully unique and you're an incredible writer. I swear, this was ... (I'm running out of words) ... absolutely ... (a little help here!) ...
Sorry, I couldn't find a word.
I was GLUED to the laptop screen. Seriously. I thought I saw some mistakes as I was reading, but I went back and couldn't find them.
And now I've just wasted your time with a pointless review.
I'm so sorry that I can't give you any advice, I really am, but there's no advice to give.
God bless,
Ignis :pirate3:
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A thousand times it calls your name
A thousand times you hear it
And fools are those who heed its call
But fools are those who fear it.


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Sun Dec 05, 2010 3:50 pm
DylanRay says...



Baywolf~ Sorry, I can't give you advise cause I am not good at this. But I can give you compliments~~~! Haha~
I think what you had written is quite interesting and I'm gonna list them in my reading list~~~!!! ha~! I had wanted to ask you, is this a story like Percy Jackson or like aliens coming to earth or like monsters or like.... I only know they have super powers.
Anyway I like it~~~! Super duper~~~!!!Keep up with the work~~~!!!

~~~Love, Dylan

(BTW, I need advise, can you please read my novel-On The Road? Thank you very much!)
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Tue Dec 07, 2010 1:25 am
BubbleGirl says...



Hiya, Baywolf!
Here's the new, improved version of my review! Once again, this is a fantastic story-it's unique, funny at times, and very compelling, with a strong, recognizable voice-like the rest of your work. If I wasn't already a big fan, this piece would have won me over!!! :)
Here's my in-depth impression:
The introduction is a little snarky, intriguing, and promises two major improvements on the superhero genre: moral complexity, and no men in tights. (There aren't going to be men in tights are there? They frighten me!)
Right from the title, Lulu is right there, talking to the reader. I love the description of the imprint the tree bark leaves on her skin, the 'cloying, magnolia air', and especially when she jumps into the river. You can practically feel the momentum.
Lulu's death really comes alive-the reader suffers along with her. Part of you wants it to end as much as she does, while the other half realizes that if that were to happen Lulu would die-and that's equally upsetting.
Like your other heroines, Lulu is a joy. Her voice is distinctive, her personality shines through every sentance. She feels like a living, breathing person you could really talk to. Even though I knew she was going to die by the end of the chapter (I read the synopsis before I started this. It's excellent, by the way!) I couldn't help but hope she would somehow escape that fate. And even though I knew she'd be coming back to life in the next chapter, I was still upset.
All sorts of questions came to mind once I finished reading this: How and why does Lulu come back? What kind of powers does she aquire, and how? How does she become one of the 'bad' people?
All in all, Super Duper is fabulous and I can't wait to read the rest!!!! :)
"I didn't lie! I was writing fiction with my mouth!" -Homer Simpson
  





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Sun Jan 30, 2011 5:43 pm
Spitfire says...



Hey Bailey! As I said, I'm here to review ;)

baywolf25 wrote:The League of Super Heroes and the Justice Society: both are groups consisting of people with supernatural abilities and powers. You see it happen in the movies and comic books all the time: the protagonist discovers he or she has a talent for saving the world from evil forces, and uses it to save mankind from the desperate clutches of Dr. Something-or-other. Cue dramatic music and the fade to black.

Blah, blah, blah. Same old story. Those flashing beacons of light-in-tights always stop the evildoers just before they achieve world domination. It looks pretty good on the silver screen. Even I used to get sucked into the shining world of those heroes. That was before.

What if those heroes weren’t who they led you to believe? What if good and evil weren’t defined by stereotypes? What if—what if you didn’t know who to trust?

My account isn’t like those that Hollywood and everyone else wants to believe. In fact, you might say I was one of those “bad” people that were hunted down. Only the story I’m going to tell you isn’t full of the bias that society has come to gobble-up about the good guys—those white knights of hypocrisy.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. It all started—as every hero tale must—on a typical Tuesday in a place of small consequence…

Okay, there's nothing wrong with this prologue per say, but I'm not really sure if it's actually worth making into a prologue. It's really short and we don't really get any information from it. Now this is just me nit-picking, but if you'd wanted to publish this, I'd suggest you integrate it into the first chapter. Like put it at the top, kind of like it is now, only put some space between the "beginning" of the story, as if she was starting to tell her story. Again, this is my personal nit-picking ;)

baywolf25 wrote:I loved the water. Sweating? Not so much.

I get what you meant by "the water" but it's nagging at my brain; it sounds too off.

baywolf25 wrote:I restrained the urge to breathe, and people didn’t call me stubborn for nothing when I was growing up.


baywolf25 wrote:Although, if I were going to be honest, I've never liked that saying.

*was

I have to admit that at the end though I was a little mixed up by the water; it almost sounded like it was quicksand you were describing and not water. I mean the whole "swallowing up part" XD

Nit-picking done.

This was a good chapter. I think I'd mentioned it in my review of your fifth chapter (funny that I read the fifth before I read the first ;) ), but your MC has a good personnality. She's fun and sarcastic, yet serious at the same time. Good combo.

I look forward to reading the rest :)
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Tue Mar 15, 2011 1:11 am
Lauren2010 says...



Hey baywolf! Thanks so much for entering the First Chapter Contest! Here's a thanks-for-entering review!

Not that I cared too much what they said. At least not much.

The repeated "much" is awkward. I would rephrase it to: "Not that I cared what they said. At least not much."

I really enjoyed this chapter. I love your style, and the voice of your character. It made me chuckle at times, and I certainly already feel close to your MC. The character development so far is lovely, as well as development of setting. I could go on spewing reasons why I liked this chapter, but perhaps I'll move on? ;)

Like the Lady of Shalott, I floated to Camelot.

2556 days later…

On Tuesday, June 12th, 2007, I woke up. And from that moment, I wished I never had, because then things would have been much less disturbing.

Maybe.

The ending was awkward. It broke from the style of the rest of the story, it pulled me away from how involved I was in the story. First, I suppose I didn't really understand the Lady of Shalott reference. I know the poem, but I don't see how it connects to anything else said before/after it. If you insist on keeping the line, at least make it seem less random and connect it to anything said later.

Second, why didn't Tommy do anything to try to save her? I suppose we don't have much way to see him showing concern. But wouldn't he at least have seen that she was jumping right at something? That she was going to hit that tree? If I were him, I would have at least shouted something at her, even if there was no hope of her avoiding the obstacle.

Well, that's all I have to say. Again I really enjoyed reading this, it's a very goood beginning to a story. Great job, and keep writing!

Thanks again for entering my contest! :)

-Lauren-
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