Young Writers Society

Prologue:

In the school room number 372, in west valley high, Simon Peters, was having a conversation with his science teacher Mr. Waltz.
“I don’t know how it froze Mr. Waltz it just did, honestly I followed the directions to the exact.” Simon said, trying to be redeemed from a crime he didn’t commit. In the lab they did today in class, instead of his chemicals reacting and immediately turning into a gas, Simon’s chemicals, to the surprise of everyone’s, including the teachers, froze. The flask that had the chemicals in it was now sitting on Mr. Waltz’s desk, still frozen solid.
“Even if you did not follow the directions there is no possible way it could have froze, it could have exploded, yes, but froze? That’s impossible for either of these chemicals. I have a good reason to believe you brought a foreign chemical into this experiment and did this because you thought it would be funny, well its not.” The elderly man brushed his balding head of hair, or what was left of it, over to the right, something the students recognized as the “the sign of solitary,” Solitary detention was something that no one wanted to be stuck with.
“Mr. Waltz please, at least try to do something to the chemicals like, boil them or something, anything you could do to detect if something that shouldn’t be there was.” Simon said knowing that this was his last chance.
“Oh, trust me Mr. Peters, I know these kind of tricks, as you should know some chemicals make themselves impossible to detect when boiled, melted, or frozen, I’m not falling for that trick.” And with that he gave Simon detention.
As Simon left room 372 he was met by his friends who had waited for him, seeing that all three of them walked. They had overheard Mr. Waltz give Simon detention, how couldn’t they? Mr. Waltz was known by the students as Siren Salts, because all he did was either sweat or yell.
T.J. Kane and Emma Baxter, Simon’s two best friends, tried to cheer him up, knowing how his parents reacted to detentions. In Simon’s house, a detention was like toxic waste; it immediately is extremely dangerous, yet is extremely hard to get rid of too. Simon might get grounded for, three four weeks for a single detention. It was a very intense nightmare for Simon that day, seeing how he had got in trouble twice for things he didn’t do. In Gym, although it was nothing serious, Simon pegged a kid in the face with volleyball during dodge ball. The Kid, Miguel Quercia said that the ball felt like ice and when he went down to the nurse he found out that two of his teeth were chipped. Since Simon hurt Miguel so badly he wasn’t allowed to play in gym for two days, to learn to control his strength. Now, he had gotten detention.
“This is NOT going to be a fun night at my house.” Simon said staring at his black and white skater DC’s. His khaki pants and black polo looked good with his shoes, he usually wore polo’s or hoodies, he found that they were the most comfortable and looked the best on him. His brown hair hardly draped over his green eyes, but today his hair kept him from drilling holes into the floor, he obviously was not particularly happy.
“Dude, I so would hate to be you. I like to live.” T.J, as always, was smiling away although now it had faded to a smirk. His blondish red hair always looked so weird against his blue eyes. His face was covered in freckles, and his 5’2” body always had short sleeves on, whether December or July, it didn’t matter to him. The hem of his jeans always had holes in them because he was too skinny to wear a 14, yet he was too short to wear 16 slims so he wore the 16 slims, letting his heels wear his jeans too.
“It’s easy for you to say. Today broke my year without a detention streak and we aren’t even in the third quarter of the school year yet! My parents are going to kill me,” Simon declared “goodbye cruel world!” As they walked out the front door, Emma had the perfect idea on how to cheer him up. Everyone knew that Simon liked a girl from there school named Alex Corfu, who just so happened to be good friends with Emma.
“Simon, wait for a second OK? I’ll be back in a second. T.J. stay here too.” Emma ran off, her dirty blonde hair flowing behind her. Simon stared gawking at her as she left. Over the 15 years that he and Emma had been friends she had changed quite a bit. He remembered when some kid in first grade had called her ugly. He had to admit she wasn’t the cutest little girl. Actually she kind of looked like a boy with long hair when she was younger, now she looked beautiful, she and T.J. hadn’t notice yet but Simon liked her not Alex. Anyways Simon knew how much T.J. liked Alex, T.J. could have Alex. Simon wasn’t surprised when Emma came back with Alex; she had stopped right in front of her house. T.J. who was standing next to Simon, felt the blood rush to his face. Alex Corfu, one of the prettiest girls he had ever seen, was standing right in front of him! “I think my heart skipped a beat.” T.J. thought to himself. He looked down at his shoes, hoping that Alex hadn’t noticed he was blushing two seconds ago. When he felt his face cool he raised his head to find Emma and Simon talking and Alex just standing there. Now was his chance. Now was his time to shine, so like any kid would do, he turned his head back down and kept looking at the ground. After a couple of minutes passed a little voice inside of T.J’s head started urging him to make a move. Even though Simon didn’t know he knew about his crush on Emma but he did. It was kind of obvious. T.J. thought that being a good friend and all he and Alex would have an excuse to talk ahead of them. So, after finally getting up the nerve to say hi, they stared walking again, towards Simon’s house. When Emma noticed that T.J. and Alex were walking together she started laughing. Emma, was the only one who knew about Alex’s little crush on Timothy James Kane. Simon realized what had occurred and laughed along. Simon told Emma about T.J.’s crush on Alex. Then, realizing that Alex and T.J. were getting pretty far ahead of them, they too started walking. As they walked Simon notice out of the cloudy sky a little bit of light broke through. “Maybe my life’s like that too.” He thought smiling to himself.
T.J. also had noticed the light coming through the clouds, yet he saw something Simon didn’t something was up there that had glittered in the sun and reflected into his eyes. “It must just be a shiny plane.” thought T.J. yet he had a strange feeling welling up inside of himself. T.J. had a gut feeling something terribly wrong was going to happen soon, and gut feelings never lie.

Welcome to YWS blackwings! Before I start, I just want to mention that you might want to get in some critiques of other works before you post anything else. You see, people must critique as well as post work so as this site is not just a vanity site of people's work.

Okay, now, it may seem like I'm ripping this apart and being mean, but this piece really needs some work, so I'll try to help you with some of its major flaws, and hopefully you can fix these up.


First off, is there any reason this is a prologue? Perhaps you should just start off with chapter one. Many beginning writers try to add a prologue because it sounds cool to have one, but it really isn't. If it isn't drastically different from the rest of the story, ditch it.

In the school room number 372, in west valley high, Simon Peters, was having a conversation with his science teacher Mr. Waltz.

This beginning sentence is weak. You don't need room numbers and the like unless they are significant, and here is doesn't seem so. Plus, you just off and tell us what is happening here. This is known as info dump. Perhaps you could introduce your character by showing him doing or saying something specific.

The chemicals: it seems you don't that area well enough to write well about it. You skip around the issue of which specific chemicals, and it sticks out like a sore thumb. Either research the chemicals that could make this possible, or drop that, and use another reason for him to get a detention.

It was a very intense nightmare for Simon that day, seeing how he had got in trouble twice for things he didn’t do. In Gym, although it was nothing serious, Simon pegged a kid in the face with volleyball during dodge ball. The Kid, Miguel Quercia said that the ball felt like ice and when he went down to the nurse he found out that two of his teeth were chipped. Since Simon hurt Miguel so badly he wasn’t allowed to play in gym for two days, to learn to control his strength.

This part seems rather random and unnecessary. Like maybe you wanted some filler?

Simon said staring at his black and white skater DC’s. His khaki pants and black polo looked good with his shoes, he usually wore polo’s or hoodies, he found that they were the most comfortable and looked the best on him. His brown hair hardly draped over his green eyes, but today his hair kept him from drilling holes into the floor, he obviously was not particularly happy.

*Head explodes* This type of description is a no-no. We don't care about every little detail/article of clothing of his. Try to gradually introduce character details.

His blondish red hair always looked so weird against his blue eyes. His face was covered in freckles, and his 5’2” body always had short sleeves on, whether December or July, it didn’t matter to him. The hem of his jeans always had holes in them because he was too skinny to wear a 14, yet he was too short to wear 16 slims so he wore the 16 slims, letting his heels wear his jeans too.

*Head explodes again* Same with this.

But...

Emma ran off, her dirty blonde hair flowing behind her.

...that is more like what you want.

Over the 15 years that he and Emma had been friends she had changed quite a bit. He remembered when some kid in first grade had called her ugly. He had to admit she wasn’t the cutest little girl. Actually she kind of looked like a boy with long hair when she was younger, now she looked beautiful, she and T.J. hadn’t notice yet but Simon liked her not Alex. Anyways Simon knew how much T.J. liked Alex, T.J. could have Alex. Simon wasn’t surprised when Emma came back with Alex; she had stopped right in front of her house. T.J. who was standing next to Simon, felt the blood rush to his face. Alex Corfu, one of the prettiest girls he had ever seen, was standing right in front of him! “I think my heart skipped a beat.” T.J. thought to himself. He looked down at his shoes, hoping that Alex hadn’t noticed he was blushing two seconds ago. When he felt his face cool he raised his head to find Emma and Simon talking and Alex just standing there. Now was his chance. Now was his time to shine, so like any kid would do, he turned his head back down and kept looking at the ground. After a couple of minutes passed a little voice inside of T.J’s head started urging him to make a move. Even though Simon didn’t know he knew about his crush on Emma but he did. It was kind of obvious. T.J. thought that being a good friend and all he and Alex would have an excuse to talk ahead of them. So, after finally getting up the nerve to say hi, they stared walking again, towards Simon’s house. When Emma noticed that T.J. and Alex were walking together she started laughing. Emma, was the only one who knew about Alex’s little crush on Timothy James Kane. Simon realized what had occurred and laughed along. Simon told Emma about T.J.’s crush on Alex.

Oh my, this is like a soap opera, a bad soap opera in which I have no idea what is going on. I come out of this not knowing who likes whom, who everyone even is, and I simply don't even care, to be honest. You try to introduce way too much at one time here. This whole paragraph could actually be cut and could be made into the actual storyline... but again, gradually.

The ending wasn't bad, but it wasn't very satisfying either. And sadly, with everything that has gone on before this, I would have no motivation to go on with this piece.

Well that was a cutting critique, to be sure. But don't be discouraged. Learn from your mistakes. I suggest you take a look around and get a hang of things. Take advantage of all the wonderful writing tips we have in the community forum. Good luck!

Hey! I haven't seen you around before...so if you've got any questions about the site or my critique (which will be long and rambly, as usual), feel free to PM or just ask on the thread.

This story is interesting and sort of X-Men (the freezing thing), but it's still got that element of 'he's still a kid', exhibited by the science class detention and the awkward scene with Alex and Emma.

And, haha...his name is 'Simon Peters'! *geek moment ends*

There were a few things I noted, though:

- There were a couple grammar slip-ups in the first part, so here's all the verb combinations I think you were trying to use with 'freeze'.

"The rain will freeze."

"The rain has/had frozen."

"The rain froze on the ground."

"The rain froze."

"This rain is freezing!"

It's a strange one, but it sounds really professional if you can get them right. (Personally, I think it's a conspiracy on the part of the English textbook developers...)

- There was an infodump on clothing in the middle section, when you were describing Simon and TJ's clothes. A sentence or two is good...several is bad, so keep it to the face that TJ was small and Simon likes hoodies, and you should be all right as far as clothing description goes.

TJ is really short for being at least fifteen- we're both thirteen, eighth grade, right?- and most of the guys in my class are at least 5'5". They wouldn't be wearing boys' clothes, so the sizing would be different- 26-40, or something like that, so the sixteen thing is sort of irrevelent, anyway. Hmm...either make him taller, or bring that out- being short is going to make us remember him, and would make for some interesting conflicts later on.

- The section with Alex, Emma, TJ, and Simon was kind of confusing- break it up with paragraph and dialogue spacing, and combine sentences so it's not choppy as well as long. The whole love triangle is very confusing- which can be brought out, but that's no excuse for a string of five-word sentences.

- Also, I didn't think your dialogue was the strongest in some spots- it didn't sound very real. Think of everything as a script (you might also want to adapt the dialogue into an actual script, just to get a feel for this), and then read it aloud. Does it sound like something you or your character would say? Is the spacing and punctuation correct? Were you trying to say something funny- and did it come out right? [This was only showing in the exchange between Simon and his science teacher.]

I did like the Siren Salts thing- that was pretty funny.

All together, this was a great story! I hope there's going to be more- the freezing thing is way too cool to be abandoned now.

Personally, i feel that prologues should be short and to the point, something to do with the character/event, but not directly using the character/event. I, personally, would not give a main character any dialogue in a prologue. If i included them in a prologue at all, i would give them only actions. Something that would be important to the rest of the story. Normally, however, i would use another character, and have them talk about the main character, which the main character would not be aware of, and which would be integral to the main character's story. But that is just my personal view on prologues. I'm probably wrong.

This, i did not feel was a very good prologue. A good first chapter, yes. You involved too many people, in my opinion, for it to be a prologue. Here i am obsessing about the prologue/chapter issue!! I will stop!

This did not keep my attention. I read your chapter one earlier, and that was good. I think that this is more grammatically correct than your first chapter, and better written, but i still think that you should have kept it shorter, with less dialogue. Again, my own opinion.

Anyway, I think this is good, just not gripping enough.

This is a bit confusing, what with the overload on description and the mix-up of the tenses, and so many characters all introduced in the first piece of text!

Oh yeh, and please space your paragraphs out! Double-spacing make it a whole lot easier for people to read it and makes it less boring.

Hope it helps!

RR*

First off, I agree with the others that this should be the first chapter and not a prologue. I really like how he's worrying about his parents reaction to his detention, because I can really connect with that.

The beginning sentence could have been better. Your's didn't really catch my attention.

I did like the whole love triangle thing because I thought it made Simon seem more like a real person, but that whole paragraph was very confusing, and I wasn't exactly sure what was going on half the time.

I really like your idea about him being able to freeze stuff and how he obviously isn't in control of his power. I'm not sure if he knows he has it or not, but I'm sure whichever way you make it this story will continue to be good, once you write more.

In the school room number 372, in west valley high, Simon Peters, was having a conversation with his science teacher Mr. Waltz.

I agree that this is a weak opening sentence. Not only is it passive, but it gets across nothing but information. You have an opportunity to do much more before they speak. A simple description would be fine before the speech, or even a gesture. Like trident said, ditch the room number, ditch the name of the school.


“I don’t know how it froze Mr. Waltz it just did, honestly I followed the directions to the exact.” Simon said, trying to be redeemed from a crime he didn’t commit.

There are two problems here, which can be adressed once, and applied to your writing as a whole.

- Don't telegraph anything to the reader. The speech shows me what is going on, so don't bog me down and explain things. I can see what this guy is trying to do, and that is enough.

- Read what is said aloud. That's not how people speak. The comma is your best friend and your worst enemy. eg: 'I don't know how it froze, Mister Waltz, it just did - honestly. I followed the directions to the exact.'

In the lab they did today in class, instead of his chemicals reacting and immediately turning into a gas, Simon’s chemicals, to the surprise of everyone’s, including the teachers, froze.

The syntax is a mess. It needs serious attention, the sentence is clumsy as is. 'In the lab, instead of Simon's chemicals reacting immediately and turning to gas, they froze. To everyone's surprise.' You don't have to shove everything in one sentence.


The character is fine, and the concept is sound. I'd say the easiest way for you to improve the piece immediately (without the hours of writing practice that comes with huge improvement) is to read it aloud. You'll catch a lot that way.

- Andy