Young Writers Society

When Simon got home he noticed something was wrong. The front door was unlocked and the house was oddly cold. He knew that his parents always locked the doors. The first thought that came to Simon’s mind was “burglar.” Simon reached into the umbrella pot and pulled out his Dad’s nightstick, just in case. He went inside and grabbed the cordless phone stuck it in his pocket and headed off towards his room. When he reached his room he noticed a man with a long trench coat sitting on his bed. As soon as he turned to run he froze, literally. Around the edges of his DC’s there was a layer of what looked like, ice!
“Do not be afraid Simon. I am a messenger of God. I am Ezekiel and I am destined to inform you about God’s plan for your life, and help you along the way.” Out of the trench coats right pocket he pulled out a bible. It was the most raggedy bible he had ever seen. It had a leather binding that was torn and ragged. The only thing fancy about the bible was that the cross on the front might as well be used for a flashlight, for a brilliantly gold cross shone on the front. The Light given off by the cross illuminated Simon’s room, giving it a godly presence and made the shadows dance and flicker, as if by candlelight.
“But I thought that God’s messenger was an angel?” Simon said not believing what he heard. This man was too weird to be an angel. He had blonde hair and his eyes had no pupil, no iris, nothing. They were just white. “-And if you do claim to be an angel show me your wings. All angels have wings.” Simon said feeling as if he had found a flaw in the man’s disguise.
“Find if I must show you to prove that I am who I claim to be will you listen so that I can release you from that icy hold?” The man said, unbuttoning his trench coat.
“Yes, I will listen, but if you aren’t I’m calling the cops.” Simon reached into his pocket and dialed 9-1- waiting for the man to make his move. The man unbuttoned his trench coat all the way, leaving it draped over his shoulders. Underneath the coat Simon saw what looked like a silver breast plate, the kind of armor the used in the Middle Ages. The man lifted up his head and the coat flew from his back, revealing two giant 6 foot white wings protruding from his back. He wore a silver breast plate with nothing under it. His muscular arms were bare. He wore a belt with a silver buckle that had a cross in the middle. Attached to the belt he had a sword on one side, and his shield on the other. He had on white pants that rest at the head of his sandals. Simon hung up the phone he dropped his father’s nightstick and stared. He stared for ten minutes before the angel pulled back in his wings and put his trench coat back on over them. “I am here to inform you of your powers and what you must accomplish. My name is Ezekiel, angel of the tongue and of inner truth; my goal is to help you save humanity.” Simon continued to look at Ezekiel as if he was a ghost. “A man will be helped by Lucifer to discover Lucinian metal, a metal that is super flame resistant. God keeps everything on a need to know basis only and that’s all I needed to tell you at the time.” The Angel’s bible suddenly flashed brighter than ever. “One moment please.” The angel said opening the book. The room filled with a golden light and what sounded like millions of voices and one voice, all at once, The voices were the same and seemed as if to come from the room itself. Ezekiel nodded once or twice and after marking himself with the cross, closed the book. “Satan is pulling another one of his devilish attacks; on heaven I will be back later I must defend your home. In a few moments you will fall to sleep, when you wake up do not let Satan trick you, this was not a dream I will be back in one week until then, take care.” And with that the light white and the angel faded out of view. When Simon woke up he was in his bed, kindly tucked in with a bible on his desk. Simon had not listened to the Angel close enough and did not remember any of what had happened as anything but a dream. Meanwhile, in heaven, Ezekiel arrived at a cliff overlooking all of heaven. Unsheathing his fiery sword, he looked over what was happening. God let his angels to the gates of heaven where arrows of fire rained down on them. With the shield of faith the angels stayed untouched. Ezekiel flew to the lord ready for battle. After given orders Ezekiel too fought against the demons that were besieging the gates. He knew how the battle would overcome. As long as the people in heaven had faith in their lord they would be untouchable, and with that, unbeatable.

Hey (again)! Glad to see Chapter Two...the action continues!

Glad you finally resolved that whole 'does he have superpowers, or does he not?' thing- it was beginning to bother me, to tell you the truth. He could've just come out and say it in the first chapter, but nooo...I had to think about it overly long.

There were a lot of good things about this chapter. You took a lot of risks, certainly- the whole 'angels and demons' thing really is a demon to plot, I'm certain. A few things, though:

- Why does Simon's father have a nightstick? Just wondering...

- The first paragraph or so really needs some more suspense, to build up to the cool scene with the angel. How do you do this? Add in some more description on Simon's emotions, and elongate the scenes in which he's making his way up the stairs. You want your readers to break out in a cold sweat, too, right?

- I wouldn't have Simon frozen in place, since it seems like he did it to himself. Perhaps some sort of invisible shackles? That'd be a little more biblical, in any case.

- The angel thing is a bit of a stretch as it is, and it snaps when Simon totally goes along with it. There should be at least some mention of pinching himself, as the movies always do.

- Hmm...I'm not such a fan of the 'Heaven and Hell' thing. You're the writer, make up your own version! Describe more some quirks of both places- perhaps a quarrel at work with Saint Peter? The book 'The Wish List' by Eoin Colfer used the idea of totally satirizing (is that a word? Maybe...) Heaven and Hell, which made it a darkly funny book over all. This whole thing has been a little heavy- perhaps some comic relief is in order, after all!

I do hope there's a Chapter Three, though- the plot is thickening, as they say.

I think this has good potential, but the whole thing needs editing. Firstly, you could try putting spaces between the paragraphs - it makes it so much easier to read.

When Simon got home he noticed something was wrong. The front door was unlocked and the house was oddly cold. He knew that his parents always locked the doors. The first thought that came to Simon’s mind was “burglar.” Simon reached into the umbrella pot and pulled out his Dad’s nightstick, just in case. He went inside and grabbed the cordless phone stuck it in his pocket and headed off towards his room. When he reached his room he noticed a man with a long trench coat sitting on his bed. As soon as he turned to run he froze, literally. Around the edges of his DC’s there was a layer of what looked like, ice!

This paragraph is OK, but it gets into the action way too quickly. You should try some descriptives. What time of day is it? What does Simon look like? What is he feeling? What does his house look like? These sorts of things help pad out the stoy, and make it more interesting to read, as well as helping to develop the character. Other than that, this is good, apart from a couple of grammatical errors - there should be a comma after 'phone' and no comma before 'ice.'

“Do not be afraid Simon. I am a messenger of God. I am Ezekiel and I am destined to inform you about God’s plan for your life, and help you along the way.” Out of the trench coats right pocket he pulled out a bible. It was the most raggedy bible he had ever seen. It had a leather binding that was torn and ragged. The only thing fancy about the bible was that the cross on the front might as well be used for a flashlight, for a brilliantly gold cross shone on the front. The Light given off by the cross illuminated Simon’s room, giving it a godly presence and made the shadows dance and flicker, as if by candlelight.

It may be just me, but from this point on the story seems to get a bit cheesy. The whole "messenger of God" and "God's plans for your life" are OK in essence, but they are extremely cliched. You could still use the same basic storyline, but phrase it differently - use something that hasn't been used before. This will be an extremely difficult thing to do, and you have given yourself a real task. The whole heaven/hell thing has been used so many times before.
Instead of "The only fancy thing about the bible," you could use a word like 'remarkable,' which gives a better impression. Also, it sould be 'brilliant gold,' not 'brilliantly gold.' The rest of this is good.

“But I thought that God’s messenger was an angel?” Simon said not believing what he heard. This man was too weird to be an angel. He had blonde hair and his eyes had no pupil, no iris, nothing. They were just white. “-And if you do claim to be an angel show me your wings. All angels have wings.” Simon said feeling as if he had found a flaw in the man’s disguise.
“Find if I must show you to prove that I am who I claim to be will you listen so that I can release you from that icy hold?” The man said, unbuttoning his trench coat.

I think that, really, Simon would be more concerned about the fact that there is a strange man sitting on his bed than whether angels are God's messengers or not. You don't seem to have given Simon any real emotions - he's rather a flat character at the moment. Also, "if you do claim to be an angel..." seems just a tiny bit too sophisticated for a child in his situation. I should think he would say something more along the lines of "If you really are an angel, show me your wings."
There are a few commas needed here and there, such as between 'angel' and 'show,' and i assume that 'Find' is meant to be 'Fine.' There should also be a comma after 'listen.'

There are a few things that need editing later on, such as the fact that he says his name is Ezekiel twice. I think the very end needs to be re-thought. It's very much the same Good vs. Evil stuff that we've seen so many times before. Maybe don't describe heaven itself, just say something like "the angel looked down on what he saw, and prepared for battle." I'm not saying this is a very good replacement, but it does leave the scene to the readers imagination, which gives them something to think about, instead of giving them everything.

This piece has good potential, and it does need editing, but, as you say, it is only the first draft. I'm looking forward to reading your other posts!

The plot starts with a nice strength. The hook is there immediately, and it forced me to read on. Your prose, however, got a little irritating. It grew tiresome for two reasons. It's choppy and passive.

When Simon got home he noticed something was wrong; the front door swayed unlocked in a breeze that turned the house cold. But his parents always locked the doors. His first thought was of a burgular, that perhaps someone was in his house, destroying what he loved. Despite the feeling within himself - his reason - that argued against this, Simon reached into the umbrella pot for his dad's nightstick.
He grabbed the cordless phone from the wall and stuck it in his pocket as he headed for his bedroom. When Simon reached his room, he froze. Sitting on his bed with a long trench coat increasing his size. And as he went to bolt, neither Simon's will nor desperation would move him.

This is just an example. Basically, read it aloud until you get to grips with things. Sentence after sentence that follows the same structure grows tedious, especially when in passive voice. Try to do the same for the rest of the peice?

- Andy

I like it a lot as I have told you through the many discussions in art class.

Okay I thought this was pretty good with just a few problems.

1. You need to put the dialogue into different paragraphs, It makes it easier to read and to follow who said what.

2. Unfortunately I have to agree with the others on this one. You need to SHOW not tell. It allows the readers to inside the story seeing the action.

Other than that I thought it was really good. I understand it is just a draft though so keep on working and it will get better ok?

Not bad! I like the concept (what can I say, I'm a sucker for this kind of stuff), but I think the delivery could us some work.

Critics have a bad habit of telling you to show, rather than tell. When you use imagery, you're showing the reader what you want them to see. When you merely say "He was wearing a brown belt," the reader sees just that. A brown belt. However, if you say "He was a wearing a brown leather belt that looked like he'd never worn it in his life," people get the idea that it's a very new looking belt, never worn, and that he looks uncomfortable in it.

All this adds up to one thing--detail. By adding detail into your story, you give it depth. Depth makes a good story. A story that is just a surface is boring--and no one like a boring story.

Now, how does this apply to your story? I think it could benefit from a bit more detail. You do well enough with the characters, particularly Ezekiel, but the SETTING is very bland. Reading this, all I saw in the background was a dark haze--there was no detail in his room.

I feel like I have to note this: If you're going for a very Christian belief system, you really, really need to capitalize anything to do with God. ANYTHING. He, Him, His, the Lord, etc. It's a respect thing.

I'll be watching this--looking forward to more

--Hunter

AHH! BLOBS OF TEXT!

Please have a line between paragraphs. It makes it easier for us to read.

The first chapter isn't very inviting. For one, this random guy is being asked to fight evil.

This is moving way too fast. Who is this guy? Why are angels coming to him? What is normal for him?

The character isn't developed at all, which makes this story seem rushed and fake. Slow down and develop this guy's character. It would make the story so much better for the thinking.

Remember: Harry Potter didn't even know about wizards until chapter four.

Your story sounds pretty good so far. It's a little unclear at the end- who is the story about? Are you switching points of view?

I suggest drawing out your beginning. Make it longer and more suspenseful. Make us BEG to know what happens next. Every little sound, every heartbeat, every drop of sweat... well, you get the point
With Ezekiel, I'm confused about why he would use ice if he is an Angel. Most people don't associate ice with Angels, which might confuse them. For example, does Ezekiel use magic, or is his job to control that element? Does he use what ever means necessary to get his message across?
I think your flow was a little off, a little choppy. I suggest rereading your work, even as you write.
Keep writing young Sir Knight ....*scrolls down to check age* yeah - young Sir Knight. I look forward to the next bit.

Seraph

I doint see that meany gramatical errors, compared to mine, it is perfact, But, well, I like the biggining, however, why can simon not have the feeling that evan though he should be alarmed, that he is perfectly safe? Also, I a believe that when the man takes off the treanch coat that simon should have to close his eyes from the briance that flows off of this man. The wings should be pure. Details, you need more details. I had to use my imagination to picture this. More details shouyld be included. Nu, well that is just my oppenion!