It's really good! A bit of a twist I see. Now, you can post the next chapter! I found a few misspellings, but that was all that I saw needed fixing. Well done. As usual! Writergirl
"It is better to save than to destroy, and that justice is most righteous which is tempered by mercy." Mark Twain
Mwahaha, writergirl and I are becoming your personal critics, hehe...
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No observer could have discerned that Dayla Batara did not belong, for with her speed and agility the skilled woman easily kept pace, and in her Aldarian garb and her beautiful movements, only close inspection would betray her human nature.
Very long sentence, I had to reread it. Where did Dayla not belong? Add ‘there’ or something.
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Close at her side was Talstran, excellent among excellence
Ha, the medieval knight, isn’t he?
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A different offshoot of oni met her, this more reptilian, with a long snapping tail and a blunt, tooth-filled maw.
Add ‘one’ here?
Nice descriptions of battles, by the way.
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The ranger saw as tuatara came between him and his love, but in the heat of battle he could do little for it.
Reread this sentence. I mean it, because I noticed that you haven’t corrected anything that anyone corrected. I stopped to tell you this here, cause I am 100% sure that you added an ‘s’ or mixed times.
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His only worry was for here confrontation with Jarnsaxa, for that fiend was truly mighty, but he knew she wanted to fight him alone.
The above.
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Breathing hard, exhilarated, Dayla Batara turned from her defeated enemies and approached the rear entrance of the tent. Finally, after all these ears, she had found him again.
-’After all these ‘ears’’? I think you meant years…
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This time, she swore, only one would survive their encounter.
I know what you mean, but this is an unclear sentence nonetheless.
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Battles encroached, but he fought hard towards the tent, wanting to be there should the strong woman need his aid.
You just made a heap of muscles out of Dayle, or at least that is how I see it.
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It is true, I was in league with Draven, who is most certainly your enemy
This sentence sounds a bit… cliché, doesn’t it? No offence meant, though.
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Gwynera is my daughter, and while her power, inherited from me as druidry rather than psyonomancy, she was not the focus of their efforts.
Reread this sentence.
As you see I’m on the part of Natalia’s confession. That settled a lot of matters, didn’t it? However, I think you cramped up much too much information here….
Before Phasmatis answers ‘Aldaria’, you have two spaces instead of one.
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“Gleebeck, Gwynera, Phasmatis, stand before me!” she ordered. In a haze, they did not even think to question his demands.
‘Her’ orders, I think.
The last sentence, ‘(…) pursued a gentler life’. Oh, I don’t know… It just… Well… Maybe the times?
Okay, standard: I like you book, but at times it’s a bit confusing. I mean, the jumping form one character to another makes it interesting, BUT…
Natalia’s confession was very interesting, even if abrupt. It sounded as if you wanted it finally ti be over…
As I said it was interesting, but a bit abrupt. I mean, from what I know, you have 2 books about her children, don't you? And then all of the sudden Natalia comes up with the above. Uhm...
Again, it was interesting, and to tell you the truth I won;t even tell you to change anything. I just think that you should spread it out a bit.
Yep, you're absolutely right, it's a lot of information right at once. Although, Natalia wouldn't be a new characters for readers of the first two books. It's supposed to be a lot at once, to overwhelm Phasmatis and Gwynera. It's brevity has plot sensibility; first, Natalia knows Draven will be coming soon, and then, the other barons are coming, so they have to be quick. I go over the stuff later on carefully, so that it's all clearer and less rushed, but this is how I wanted it to read.
This time, she swore, only one would survive their encounter.
That's a great example of a sentence that requires ambiguity, and a place where my style is clashing with your preferences. Those who would have read the first book remember their first fight, and both of them survive because Jarnsaxa basically spares her as an action of spite. Of course, she's determined to kill Jarnsaxa or die trying, but saying that would be incredibly cliche. It also slightly foreshadows her death in the next chapter, which you read. And, Dayla is very strong. She's a lifelong warrior. She's not exactly a bodybuilder, but she knows her way around a sword.
Anyway, as usual, I appreciate all of your suggestions. A lot of them are very good.
-Well, you don't become a good crictic at the snap of your fingers, do you? Uhm, well, sorry if you turn out to be something in the form of an experimental rabbit, hehe.
More than anything she wanted the world to be uncomplicated, for right and wrong to be as easily divided as the black and white sections of an Oreo. But the world was not a cookie. — Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Tree of Wishes
Now, you can post the next chapter! I found a few misspellings, but that was all that I saw needed fixing. Well done. As usual! Writergirl
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