Young Writers Society

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Excellent! I can't believe that the girl dies! That's so sad! But, it was well done. There were two places that I thought you could improve, but I didn't mark them. Sorry. Well done. Oh, I also have a poem if you wouldn't mind reviewing that as well! It is entitled "The Gift of Love". I would really appriciated it! Writergirl

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Reflexively, Dayla’s hand went to her cheek, to trace the four now somewhat faded scars, remnant of her last encounter with the reptilian powerhouse.
‘A remnant’? Also, I’m not sure if it isn’t supposed to be in plural because of the ‘four scars’. But then again, you have one trace, don’t you? Eeeh, ‘reptilian powerhouse’? I don’t really like the phrase.

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Her face was becoming bloodied
Also don’t like the phrase. Quite picky, aren’t I?

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But to get him to move right, and get herself into position, well, that would be difficult.
That sentence just doesn’t harmonize with the whole battle. Cut of the ‘well’ maybe.

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And she would do it.
I would delete this. It just isn’t necessary. More, it just butts in. Oh, I don’t know. At least add it the the paragraph before.

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Claws found her as she rushed past, and Dayla felt wetness seep into her shirt, but she didn’t let it slow her.
Wetness?

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Gathering the last of her strength, hardening her will and calling upon all of her almost preternatural speed, Dayla Batara . . . No, Dayla Batara Tartessis ran forward, her sword lifted, her expression determined.
Is the Tartessis so very important?

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Dayla’s sword shattered, her arm and face went entirely numb, and she was cast aside, body burned and broken.
Right arm?

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“Never forget me,” she pleaded with bright eyes.”
The third “ is not needed.

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And for Talstran, there was no victory.
You do like your ‘ands’, don’t you? I think this one is unnecessary. I am quite getting to like the word, hehe.

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“I know not,”
You know what I would type here, so I am not going to repeat myself.

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And though he could not see the face of the worn elf kneeling before the bier, somehow he knew it was his old master
Crossing out the ‘and’ would not lead to the end of the world.

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Phasmatis gasped, horrified, and searched for words, feeling as though all sanity and normalcy had been obliterated by the torrential onset of recent events. Finally, he choked out, “No . . . Dayla had been . . . like my own mother . . .”
SO melodramatic and SO convenient that they ended up there, mwahaha.

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“Only if by association,” replied Talstran, smiling. “Well met, Gwynera. I am glad someone has finally seriously taken up the lad’s problem.” He turned serious then, and looked to Phasmatis. “Lad, there are things I must tell you.
Two lads. Use a synonym.


Yeah, sad that Dayla died; the scene itself however, was one of your best. The whole part was great xD

-elein

If they ever make a film out of this, tell 'em to give "Loosing my religion" to Dayla's dying scene. Please, lol.

Thanks. I'm glad you liked the scene. It's actually not a matter of convenience. The chamber they in is actually an ancient chamber of transportation, which is why Natalia was able to send them there. Talstran knows it's such a chamber, but not everyone can use it. It's a factor that ties on much later, in another book.

Sometimes in my prose, I sort of write as if it were the direct though of the character, though I don't put it in italics or anything. "And she would do it" is just to make the toughness and determination of Dayla more stark. The Tartessis is absolutely necessary. If you can't figure out why, then go back and read the scenes where she interacts with Talstran.

The "and"s are a bad habit I'm working on breaking. Thanks for pointing them out.

And I replied to your I know not objection. ~_^

Talstran invariably uses the word "lad" when talking about Phasmatis, except on the rare instance that he actually uses his name. And in real life, when people are talking, they don't sit around and search for synonyms so that they avoid repitition, so in this case, I'm not too concerned about it.

Well, you did a lot of hard work. It seems I owe you, yes? I shall repay. Thanks very much.