Young Writers Society

"Who do you work for?" Demanded a ferocious muscular man with deadly black eyes.


Struggling against the ropes that held her painfully against the hard chair, she replied, "I work for no one, however I myself would like to ask you the same question. On the contrary I believe I already know. You are part of The Golden Falcons, kidnapping innocent kids as to force the parents into doing your bidding."


She caught a glimpse of metal that was brought out from within the man's pocket, and knew immediately that she was going to die with a bullet in her head. This caused her to continue, "I will tell you, considering you asked, that I work for no one."


With those words still registering in his small mind, he aimed and pulled the very cold trigger leaving her with one final thought. I work for no one, but The Shadow.

Okay let me start out by saying this sounds really interesting. I like the plot you've created but a few things could be edited.

First of all you need to go through and start spacing between your paragraphs. I notice that the just of your work has no really format and it makes it confusing to separate your ideas throughout the piece. Also:

"who do you work for." Demannded a ferocious muscular man, with deadly black eyes.
Struggling against the ropes that held her painfully against the hard chair. She replies, "I work for no one, however I myself would like to ask you the same question. On the contrary, I believe i already know. You are part of The Golden Falcons, Who kidnap innocent kids, so as to force the parents into doing your bidding." seeing a glint of metal that was brung out from withing in his pocket, she immediatly knew she was gooing to die with a bullet in her head, and so continued " I will tell you before you ask. My final answer is that i work for no one."
With those words still regestering in his small mind, He aimed and pulled the verry cold triger.
Before she died, her final thought was, i work for no one but The Shadow.

That was your current piece quoted, and this is the format corrected as well as your spelling errors:

"Who do you work for?" Demanded a ferocious muscular man with deadly black eyes.


Struggling against the ropes that held her painfully against the hard chair, she replied, "I work for no one, however I myself would like to ask you the same question. On the contrary I believe I already know. You are part of The Golden Falcons, kidnapping innocent kids as to force the parents into doing your bidding."


She caught a glimpse of metal that was brought out from within the man's pocket, and knew immediately that she was going to die with a bullet in her head. This caused her to continue, "I will tell you, considering you asked, that I work for no one."


With those words still registering in his small mind, he aimed and pulled the very cold trigger leaving her with one final thought. I work for no one, but The Shadow.


*That's the way that I would rewrite it anyways, others might tell you differently. This was a great prologue, I'm really interested in what is to happen in the actual story so keep it up with this. Though a word to the wise, edit. Spell Check is an important key in writing as is grammar and formatting, do that and everything plays out as something everyone wants to read and critique.


Great idea!
Keep at it!
-Rieda

Heya, Amber! Haven't seen you around before...so, I suppose a welcome is in order?

PUNCTUATION: BAH! ...oh, dear, you've committed the number one sin of dialogue in your first line!

...let's take a look, shall we?

"Who do you work for?" Demanded a ferocious muscular man with deadly black eyes.

Because this might just be a simple typo, I'll keep my rambling to a minimum- after a dialogue mark, start the next clause of the sentence with a lowercase letter. If the bit after it is a sentence by itself (The ferocious muscular man gelled his hair into a mohawk as he said this), start it with a capital letter.

In short? Make that 'D' lowercase and the Grammar Gods will be appeased.

CHEESE FACTOR: Okay, so your beginning is yumtastic- however, in thinking about it, I realized that your ending happens in nearly every action movie ever made. You know, how the dying person thinks something cutting and dramatic as they die, after making a callous remark to their assassin?

...yeah, I've got a whole section on this in my Cliche File.

You can keep the dialogue and thoughts as they are, because it took me awhile to realize that I'd read it before, but you've got to make something else memorable and unique just to kind of hide that. Is the woman wearing a bikini? Does the man have a pencil mustache, or a full beard and muttonchops? Does he stutter? Does she have an abnormally low voice?

Even though someone dies and we probably won't see the assassin until the end of the story, it's best to develop these characters a little, too, just so we've got something new and exciting to start off the story with. Remember that the odder the detail is, the more it'll stick in your readers' minds.

This is pretty short, so I don't have much else to say- but if you write more, do tell me. I definitely want to come back and read it.

PM me if you've got any questions about my rambles.

"Who do you work for?" Demanded a ferocious muscular man with deadly black eyes.

"Demanded" shouldn't be capitalized.

"I work for no one, however I myself would like to ask you the same question. On the contrary I believe I already know. You are part of The Golden Falcons, kidnapping innocent kids as to force the parents into doing your bidding."

The tone of this is all rather, mm, formal. Except for the word "kids". That seems a little out of place.

That's all the specific stuff I could think of. I did find it quite interesting--especially the "bad guys" being named The Golden Falcons, and the... something else being the The Shadow. I'm interested to see what happens next.

Though, I agree with Sam that this could definitely use something that'd make it more memorable and unique, rather than being just another dramatic action scene. As it was, I didn't really care all that much about the girl. Tell us a bit more about her.

First I shall say...interesting introduction. I liked it, it grabbed my attention, would very much like to see what happens next. Like Riedawriter23 said, editing is your friend. I think this makes way to easily write what happens next.

It's good but why have some one die so quickly into it. But otherwise if I was a teacher I would give it a very high A.