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Young Writers Society


The Incident



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Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 5
Tue Feb 13, 2007 8:12 pm
aquinas1991 says...



I was so bored , my mum Had given me yet another lecture which I of course did not listen to And I had yet more maths homework.

“What is the sum of the Values x+y x 2.…..”
‘I mean who cares?
How was this going to help me in life?’ He thought
Just as he was about To fall asleep, his mobile rang and as was his habit he checked to see who was calling.
It was Nikolai, Knowing it was important, he Picked up.
‘Hello?’, ‘I Just wanted to check with you if you really want me to deal with Alex, I mean there could be problems and it would signal a new gang war, Boss’ ‘Of course I want him dealt with, you moron,’ ‘of course sir, I’m sorry sir’ ‘Yes, well goodbye’.

‘I should have fired him a long time ago but I liked him, he was efficient at his job.
However he was developing a mind of his own And that was a dangerous thing. I suppose he had a point, If I had Alex dealt with…. There could be complications. Expensive Complications at that.’ Lucas thought.

As for the Homework It irritated him that he could not do the homework, He would have to ask one of his informants or he could bribe the teachers.

While he was thinking, his mobile rang again and after checking it he realised it was Chris and picked up.

“What do you want?’ He yelled, ‘Sir, we’re running dry, If we keep cutting prices I’m afraid we’ll have to make cuts.’ ‘You think I don’t know?’ ‘There is an alternative….’ ‘I don’t know, it’s a bit risky’ ‘ I don’t think we have any choice’ ‘ Very well however I want to meet the man, arrange it’ ‘Of course sir’ ‘Now if you don’t mind I have business to conduct”

Hanging up, Lucas considered ringing an informant and then thinking better of it, set his alarm and went to sleep.

Meanwhile an argument was raging between Daniel and Adam.
“Sir, This agreement was a landmark in it’s time. Your predecessors have always held to it and breaking it could result in….. unforeseen” Daniel argued with Adam.

Adam paced around his room and considered his options, “how much longer will he be happy with his share? What if he Contacts THE Man? And impedes on our turf?’ ‘perhaps that is a risk we should take’ Daniel replied.

Adam dialled a number into his mobile and when he got through barked “You better have those papers ready by tomorrow. The exam is in 5 days and I need time to sell them….No, I don’t care just do it”
Hanging up, he once again began to pace around his room.

The Business used to be one ‘Family’ with one Leader but after a power struggle between Lucas’ Great grandfather and Adams Great Grandfather it had split into two ‘Business’s ’ those who supported Lucas’s Great grandfather and those who supported Adams great grandfather. Nowadays it was Nothing to do with this and far more to do with where Lucas and Adam lived, one lived on the Westside and the other on the east so the town and school were split between the east and west sides.

During the Split both sides waged brutal gang warfare, even the police kept clear however the cost of the war had ruined both of them and now they couldn’t afford to be split not even the peace deal which meant that they kept out of each other territories.( The west and East sides respectively)

So both sides were making one final push, staging one last battle for complete control it was everything or nothing.

Adam had some pride and refused to deal, he would force business’s to pay him protection money and smash up their shop if they didn’t and kill or torture any rival gang members but he wouldn’t deal.

He dialled a preset number and spoke “ Make sure our protection payments are through by tomorrow….. No, I don’t care just do it….. Yes, now!!!” Enraged he hangs up.

Having already satisfied his pride by doing his ‘homework’ he turned on the huge 42 inch plasma TV in his bedroom and flicked through the channels there was nothing of interest on TV, Just some news about BioTech taking over yet another company, so Adam turned off the TV.

Having nothing else to do Adam went to bed.

Chapter 2

As Adam slept the power Of BioTech grew after their takeover of yet another company, the 14th such takeover in a year making BioTech the world largest corporation employing more than 50,000,000 people in 100 different countries and having a net turnover of some 300 trillion dollars and profits in the tens of trillions of dollars.

The Influence of BioTech was immense, even the church in the middle ages did not have such power and the governments of the world waited on the word of it’s director before taking any action.
Democracy had long since died in this world and in this world the opinion of one man and one man only mattered, that of the BioTech director.

The UN was an international Laughing stock, nothing more than a puppet show with one man controlling the strings, Kentoshu Wolf , Director of the BioTech Corporation.

Even that Giant of world affairs, The united states or the Growing economic Giant of Asia China weren’t free from the stranglehold of BioTech’s Control.

Officially Biotech was the world No1 Communications company being the largest mobile and landline phone company, the largest ISP and the owner of several hundred satellites, The worlds Largest media Conglomerate owning 40 of the worlds most popular newspapers, radio stations and TV stations along with majority stakes in several IT companies.

Most Importantly however BioTech was at the cutting edge of Biological technologies and because some 40% of the worlds food was Genetically modified it controlled directly and indirectly some 10% of the worlds total food production this combined with it’s extensive military services and it’s patented nanobots that could destroy cancers and repair internal bleeding gave BioTech enormous Power.

What the public didn’t know was that Most of BioTech’s huge profits came from developing new and more deadly virus’s, it was the major supplier of biological weapons and almost all Virus’s used as weapons were patented and sold by it.
Despite the fact that it broke almost every international law it was tolerated due to the huge amounts of tax it paid and the numbers of people it employed.

Furthermore BioTech was only made all the more powerful by the peculiar circumstances of the early 21st century. After the middle eastern nations had slashed oil production and doubled the price of a barrel of oil, the world economy went into recession.
With world governments paralysed, International conglomerates like BioTech were the only source of authority.
Anti-Monopoly laws were waived in the name of economic stability with disastrous consequences.
All this economic depression created an explosive mix of high unemployment and hyperinflation leading to numerous riots, strikes and even failed revolutions.
In the USA the state of law and order was so bad that every citizen who was 14 or above were taught how to use firearms in the name of ‘public safety’.

Because of this a few years ago during the first and 2nd decades of the 21st century an attempt was made to break up BioTech.
Operation Liberty centred around destroying several major research labs , killing several key employees and separating BioTech into several smaller companies which subsequently merged needless to say Operation liberty failed.

In the early hours of the morning, in BioTech Headquarters a Board Room meeting was in full swing.

“We were attacked but we beat it. We were sued but we beat it. We were broken up but we survived and now we’re stronger than ever. Since Operation Liberty we’ve grown to become the Most Powerful corporation in the world.
However as you may know our Public face has cost us Trillions of dollars as have the multiple acquisitions and mergers but our public Face has produced some profit and has made us extremely popular with the general public.” The director was an American of Japanese descent, relatively tall he managed to present an imposing figure not just because of height but because of something else, something he just possessed.

As the meeting dragged on, Eyelids drooped only to be swiftly opened, for if the director caught you sleeping during his presentation it would harm your chances of presentation or indeed of having a career at all.

Finally after what seemed like an eternity , the director uttered a single sentence that had more of an effect than the previous 3 hours of speaking had “ Project Eternity is almost complete, The results of the project are almost ready for commercial deployment only the final stage of testing remains”

The Whole Board seemed to awake, everyone seemed to gasp in surprise and then quickly regained their drab, emotionless faces but numerous mutterings could be heard..

As the meeting ended and the directors, prominent shareholders and various other important employees shuffled out of the door there was apart from the shuffling of feet and the closing of brief cases complete silence.

No-one dared speak they were all too surprised and in deep shock.

However as the procession moved into the lift, several people began to speak including the prominent director Toyoga Kagomora “I was assured that Project Eternity faced insurmountable problems and complications” He complained in Japanese.
Another Director, Director Charles Grant having had to learn Japanese to gain the respect of the highly influential Japanese Directors and Shareholders, replied in Fluent Japanese “Well, obviously they must have found a way around the problems and they must have kept a lid on it for years if it’s almost ready for commercial deployment….’

Another director Enraged by the suggestion exclaimed “How Dare they keep such things from us!!!”.

As this suggestion causes rather boisterous discussion and even argument, the lift stopped at the 33rd floor.
Toyoga Kagomora and Charles Grant quietly step out and as soon as the lift doors close continue their conversation.
“You must find a way to stall Eternity, If it succeeds I won’t be able to persuade the board he’s incompetent” Toyoga pleaded.
Charles Grant Replied “I’ve tried everything budget cut’s, loss of staff even..”He lowers his voice to a whisper “Assassination and still it proceeds ahead of schedule”.
Toyoga angrily replied “I don’t care what you have to do, just do it, Do Whatever” He stresses this word, “you have to do”.

Enraged by the thwarting of his latest attempt to take over BioTech he walks off without even a goodbye.

“what does he mean by Whatever You have to do? Exactly how far can I go?” As Charles Grant considered the possibilities, a thousand miles away Lucas wakes up.
  





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493 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 493
Wed Feb 21, 2007 2:14 am
Misty says...



Ok you're doing a lot wrong here. Slipping between past and present tense, first person point of view, capitalizing stuff in the middle of sentences...it was ridiculous. Get a grammar book and read the greats, read your classics, etc. and use a spell check.
  





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Points: 2020
Reviews: 87
Fri Feb 23, 2007 3:29 am
gymnast_789 says...



Chapter 1

I was so bored , my mum Had given me yet another lecture which I of course did not listen to And I had yet more maths homework.


Okay in this long sentence you could break it into smaller sentences. You also have words capitalized in the middle of the sentence that don't need to be.

‘I mean who cares?
How was this going to help me in life?’ He thought


This you could add on one line...also whats with switching from 1st person to 3rd? Pick one!

In all of these sentences there are words that are capsulized that don't need to be:

It was Nikolai, Knowing it was important, he Picked up.


However he was developing a mind of his own And that was a dangerous thing.


I suppose he had a point, If I had Alex dealt with…. There could be complications.


As for the Homework It irritated him that he could not do the homework, He would have to ask one of his informants or he could bribe the teachers.


The Business used to be one ‘Family’ with one Leader but after a power struggle between Lucas’ Great grandfather and Adams Great Grandfather it had split into two ‘Business’s ’ those who supported Lucas’s Great grandfather and those who supported Adams great grandfather.


Nowadays it was Nothing to do with this and far more to do with where Lucas and Adam lived, one lived on the Westside and the other on the east so the town and school were split between the east and west sides.


Proof read to check for these mistakes!


Hello?’, ‘I Just wanted to check with you if you really want me to deal with Alex, I mean there could be problems and it would signal a new gang war, Boss’ ‘Of course I want him dealt with, you moron,’ ‘of course sir, I’m sorry sir’ ‘Yes, well goodbye’.


You switched narrators again! Also this whole paragraph is confusing...are this supposed to be two people talking. If so go to another line each time another character talks. You could also make this phone call a little more interesting.

“What do you want?’ He yelled, ‘Sir, we’re running dry, If we keep cutting prices I’m afraid we’ll have to make cuts.’ ‘You think I don’t know?’ ‘There is an alternative….’ ‘I don’t know, it’s a bit risky’ ‘ I don’t think we have any choice’ ‘ Very well however I want to meet the man, arrange it’ ‘Of course sir’ ‘Now if you don’t mind I have business to conduct”


Like above have a line for when each character speaks. It makes it easier to read.

Okay I'm only doing chapter one right now. Reread this and make sure you fix all or your mistakes. I will come back and do a better review. I only skimmed through this and took out the obvious mistakes.
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 5
Fri Mar 09, 2007 3:07 pm
aquinas1991 says...



Misty wrote:Ok you're doing a lot wrong here. Slipping between past and present tense, first person point of view, capitalizing stuff in the middle of sentences...it was ridiculous. Get a grammar book and read the greats, read your classics, etc. and use a spell check.


thanks for the comments i'm still typing the whole story so i'll type the first draft up on my pc and then correct it.
i wont be posting again for a while.
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 5
Fri Mar 09, 2007 3:08 pm
aquinas1991 says...



gymnast_789 wrote:Chapter 1

I was so bored , my mum Had given me yet another lecture which I of course did not listen to And I had yet more maths homework.


Okay in this long sentence you could break it into smaller sentences. You also have words capitalized in the middle of the sentence that don't need to be.

‘I mean who cares?
How was this going to help me in life?’ He thought


This you could add on one line...also whats with switching from 1st person to 3rd? Pick one!

In all of these sentences there are words that are capsulized that don't need to be:

It was Nikolai, Knowing it was important, he Picked up.


However he was developing a mind of his own And that was a dangerous thing.


I suppose he had a point, If I had Alex dealt with…. There could be complications.


As for the Homework It irritated him that he could not do the homework, He would have to ask one of his informants or he could bribe the teachers.


The Business used to be one ‘Family’ with one Leader but after a power struggle between Lucas’ Great grandfather and Adams Great Grandfather it had split into two ‘Business’s ’ those who supported Lucas’s Great grandfather and those who supported Adams great grandfather.


Nowadays it was Nothing to do with this and far more to do with where Lucas and Adam lived, one lived on the Westside and the other on the east so the town and school were split between the east and west sides.


Proof read to check for these mistakes!


Hello?’, ‘I Just wanted to check with you if you really want me to deal with Alex, I mean there could be problems and it would signal a new gang war, Boss’ ‘Of course I want him dealt with, you moron,’ ‘of course sir, I’m sorry sir’ ‘Yes, well goodbye’.


You switched narrators again! Also this whole paragraph is confusing...are this supposed to be two people talking. If so go to another line each time another character talks. You could also make this phone call a little more interesting.

“What do you want?’ He yelled, ‘Sir, we’re running dry, If we keep cutting prices I’m afraid we’ll have to make cuts.’ ‘You think I don’t know?’ ‘There is an alternative….’ ‘I don’t know, it’s a bit risky’ ‘ I don’t think we have any choice’ ‘ Very well however I want to meet the man, arrange it’ ‘Of course sir’ ‘Now if you don’t mind I have business to conduct”


Like above have a line for when each character speaks. It makes it easier to read.

Okay I'm only doing chapter one right now. Reread this and make sure you fix all or your mistakes. I will come back and do a better review. I only skimmed through this and took out the obvious mistakes.



thanks for the comments i'm still typing the whole story so i'll type the first draft up on my pc and then correct it.
i wont be posting again for a while.
  








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