Young Writers Society

Prologue

The streets were covered with black ice and frost. The tall, bald man in front of 15 Appleton Street was shivering; his breath visible as white steam. He rummaged inside his pocket and pulled out a small silver key. He unlocked the white, plastic door and stepped inside. He quietly closed it and slowly walked into the living room and towards the window. He pulled the cream curtains back to let in some of the light from the street lamps outside. The bag on his back slid down his arm onto the sofa in front of him, he bent down, unzipped it and took out a piano wire. The flowing movement of his arms suddenly stopped as he heard a creaky floorboard upstairs. Silence . . .

He continued by tying the piano wire into a noose and attaching it to the iron curtain rail above the huge window. A quiet snigger escaped his mouth then he picked up the empty wine glass from the side table and threw it at the wall. The shatter filled the air and echoed through the house, the small glass fragments fell to the floor like rain in a storm. He looked at his Nixon watch and counted the seconds.

“One . . . two . . . three . . . four . . . five . . ..”

He picked up the empty wine bottle that was sat next to where the glass was and threw that at the same spot on the wall. The noise was louder this time and made his ears ring.

“One . . . two . . . right on cue.”

The noise of heavy footsteps was audible above his head. A beautiful blonde haired woman crept down the stairs with a large metal ornament of an elephant in her hand. She was looking around quickly. The man ran out of the room and before she had time to react, pushed her to the ground. She started to scream but a strong hand, stifling the shriek, covered her mouth. The elephant was raised above her golden locks and pummelled into her face; her muscles went limp as she lost consciousness.

He wiped the woman’s blood from his hands and dragged her into the living and with a struggle, and placed her head through the noose. He tightened it and pushed the sofa out of the way so she was hanging by her neck, nothing below her feet. The piano wire tightened around the woman’s neck and cut into her throat, the deep red blood pouring out of her neck like water from a tap. He rushed out of the house and into the night.

Wow, violent!
I'd recommend paragraphing it with double returns so that the text is easier to read.

The night was very cold. The streets were covered with black ice and frost. The tall, bald man in front of 15 Appleton Street was shivering; his breath was visible as white steam.

Interesting start since you start with short sentences and then move on to long ones. Usually, to create tension, it is done the other way round (long then short) but it may just be me !
Also, I'm not sure if you need the boldened 'was' since it sort of disrupts the flow.

He rummaged inside his pocket and pulled out a small silver door key. He unlocked the white, plastic door and stepped inside. He quietly closed the front door and slowly walked into the living room and towards the window.

I struggle with repetition and so I notice that you like using the word door. Try to get rid of a few or have a quick look in a thesaurus.
Also, although I'm sure it's a type, you missed the 'nd' off 'and'.

The flowing movement suddenly stopped as he heard a creaky floorboard upstairs.

I can understand this but you may want to add '..of his arms...' or something after 'the flowing movement'. It is a good image but it needs developing more I think.

Silence . . .

Brilliant! This is exactly what I meant in the first paragraph when I said short sentences were used to create tension. Very good!

The man laughed quietly under his breath

Hmmm. He doesn't immediately strike me as a laughing man. I think he's more of a 'snigger'er or 'some other negative verb'er which would make the murderer seem more evil.

“1 . . . 2 . . . right on Q.”

*Chuckles*. The saying is 'Right on cue' but I like your one !

A beautiful blonde haired woman walked down the stairs with a large metal ornament of an elephant in her hand.

OMG! THERE IS SOMEONE BREAKING BOTTLES IN MY HOUSE AND I'M 'WALKING' DOWN THE STAIRS!
'Walked' sounds wrong here, try something like 'crept' or 'edged'.

She was looking around quickly.

She was unconscious.

You can see the repetition here with them side by side. They also don't really suit the way you're telling the story. Try and incorporate them into other sentences because they seem lost on their own.

The repetition of 'he' and using the man as the subject of the sentence is quite annoying and distracts from the excitement of the sudden murder. Try not to begin each idea with the man and instead of:

he covered her mouth with his left hand

use something like : '... her mouth was covered with a strong hand ...'


You have a very interesting (if horrific!) character here. I'm hooked, it isn't a big hook but with a bit of work this could be awesome! You may want to post in larger amounts (a thing I've had to learn) because that way you'll get more advice.

Write more! It is goooood!

DarkLight

I think you should make your paragraphs a little shorter. It'll be easier to read if it's less together.

Not everything needs a description. I'd rather see some more action.

The night was very cold. The streets were covered with black ice and frost.

It's not necessary to say it's very cold, the description of the ice is cooler (:p) and makes it redundant.

“1 . . . 2 . . . right on Q.

It's cue. Also, give any dialogue its own paragraph, please. Also, in a work of fiction, try to spell out any numbers under twenty.

She was unconscious.

This is passive voice. To make your story more interesting, instead of saying 'he was shivering,' say 'he shivered.' Also, it would be cool if you showed this, instead of telling it. Describe her closed eyes, or something.

He whipped the woman’s blood from his hands

Wiped makes more sense than whipped.

The piano wire tightened around the woman’s neck and cut into her throat, the deep red blood pouring out of her neck water from a tap.

You're missing a 'like' after 'her neck'.

My main problem with this is that it doesn't draw me in. A man kills a woman. So what? It happens a lot in stories. It would be cool if you added something mysterious to it, like if he wrote a suicide not for her or something. Either that, or change your point of view. I 'd be more interested if I knew the man's motives for killing her.

Thanks for posting! Good luck with editing and writing the rest. I'll look for it.

-Jenna

Thank you for you comments, I shall make the changes as soon as I can.

I appreciate your help.

My main problem with this is that it doesn't draw me in. A man kills a woman. So what? It happens a lot in stories.

How often are they hung by piano wires in their own homes?

But anyway, thanks for you constructive critisism.

-Jack

More coming soon . . .

-Jack

Green = Comment/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

The streets were covered with black ice and frost.

I imagine ice and frost are white, why black? Is it because of mud and salt, or people treading over it?

The elephant was raised above her golden locks and pummelled into her face; her muscles went limp as she lost consciousness.

I’m pretty sure he should have hit her at least twice, just to make sure she really was unconscious instead, otherwise she could get him when he least expected it.

He wiped the woman’s blood from his hands and dragged her into the living and with a struggle, and placed her head through the noose.

Maybe: He wiped the woman’s blood from his hands and dragged her into the living room, struggling, and attempted to place the noose about her neck.

He isn’t very strong, if he was he would have carried her in his arms—the dragging shows he’s weakness.

*

And is the piano wire very strong, or thin?

Guy’s a creep, I mean, wasn’t the elephant enough? He is going down the “I’m a psycho and need a thrill,” road. Like Jack the Ripper, cutting was his game.

I’m not so sure about it, I’ll have to read further chapters to decide whether I like it or not. Can’t give an opinion on a short opening.

-- Myth

I imagine ice and frost are white, why black? Is it because of mud and salt, or people treading over it?

Black ice is ice that you can't see. It can be very dangerous, especially driving at high speeds because it is very slippery and pretty much invisible.

And is the piano wire very strong, or thin?

Piano wires are thin but very strong. The Nazis used to hang people with piano wires because it doesn't just suffocate them it cuts into their necks and can, depending on the height of the drop, cut the head off.

I’m not so sure about it, I’ll have to read further chapters to decide whether I like it or not. Can’t give an opinion on a short opening.

I will be adding more tomorrow (maybe tonight if I can) so don't worry about that.

Very nice, my friend. Excellent work. I did see a few places I tohught were choppy, and could use rewording.

If I remember, I'll do an in depth review after work XD I'm running late as it is.

Looking forward to more,
--Dono

Chapter One
SEVEN HOURS LATER

Ani Ward left her house at 13 Appleton Street at her usual time of eight thirty and walked cautiously to her car, trying not to slip on the ice. She was, as usual very chirpy and full of life. The cold zephyr blew her long, curly, brown hair into her face. As Ani sat down in her small red car, she noticed an odd sight in her next-door neighbours window. She got out of her car to take a closer look. The curtains had been drawn back slightly and she could make out the shape of her neighbour, Lea, covered in blood and looking very pale. She edged to the window to take a closer look and her smile dropped when Ani realised what had happened. I slight scream escaped her mouth and tears trickled down her cheeks. She got her mobile phone from her handbag and dialled 999.

“Hello, I need an ambulance . . . and the police. Yes. I am at 15 Appleton Street. Yes. It’s my next-door neighbour. I think . . . I think she’s been murdered. Ok. Hurry up, please.”

Ani Ward broke down into tears and slid to the cold, wet concrete. Within a few minutes siren could be heard over the other traffic. Two police cars and an ambulance came speeding to the front of the house and leapt out of the vehicles as quickly as possible, charging to the house. Ani stood up and brushed he bum to get rid of any dirt. One of the police offices knocked on the door and when there was no answer forced the door open. The stench of gone off meat rushed through the door, clinging to the hair inside their nostrils. The ambulance crew ran in after the police officer and looked at the murder scene with disbelief.

“Quickly, get a knife and cut her down,” came a cry from the only female police officer.

The wire was swiftly cut and the hanging body dropped the one-foot drop to the ground. The hanged woman was covered in blood from her neck down. The white face stared spookily into space. A black bruise covered the forehead, just above her right eye. The pulse was checked even though they all knew she was dead.

“What was her name?” one of the paramedics asked Ani.

“Lea,” was the only short word she could manage before vomiting onto the floor in the hallway, just in front of a blood covered elephant ornament.

THIS CHAPTER ISN’T FINISHED YET, MORE IS COMING SOON . . .

I would just like to say that I am writing two stories at the moment. I am writing this one just for the sake of writing. The other one, Prince Akkarn, I have been planning for about a year so I am going to be concentrating more on that one than I will on this. I will however continue to write this and update the story as often as I can.

Thanks.

-Jack

I'm glad you've added more. I was curious as to what happened next.

The curtains had been drawn back slightly and she could make out the shape of her neighbour, Lea, covered in blood and looking very pale. She edged to the window to take a closer look and her smile dropped when Ani realised what had happened.

This seems a bit awkward to me. She sees her neighbor covered in blood but keeps smiling? Maybe you should rearrange that or just cut out that last sentence.

Within a few minutes siren could be heard over the other traffic.

I think you meant sirens or a siren.

"Lea," was the only short word she could manage

I'm not sure you need to say "short word". Word would be enough. We can see that it is short.

Just like to say that I am British so realised is spelt realised not realized. It's only america that spell it realised.

There may also be a few other spelling mistakes because I am British like neighbour and colour etc.

I am not going to spell them the American way because I would start getting confused when I'm writting normally.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Chapter 1: Critique
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well hey there. I'm back for your second chapter, well, here goes!

Ani Ward left her house at 13 Appleton Street at her usual time of eight thirty and walked cautiously to her car, trying not to slip on the ice.

Whoa, one badass sentence for the first sentence! Split it up a little, it is very difficult to read. Personally, I'd split it from the last comma but try it out and see what you like best.

She was, as usual, very chirpy and full of life.

Sorry, second sentence, this seems to be becoming a critique of every line but if you just add the second comma in it will make the sentence flow.

The curtains had been drawn back slightly and she could make out the shape of her neighbour, Lea, covered in blood and looking very pale.

Hmmm. Ani can only make out her shape yet sees that she is covered in blood and pale? I'd get rid of the 'shape of' bit. It doesn't really work very well.

She got out of her car to take a closer look. The curtains had been drawn back slightly and she could make out the shape of her neighbour, Lea, covered in blood and looking very pale. She edged to the window to take a closer look and her smile dropped when Ani realised what had happened.

Repetition sounds so bad that close together. Take a closer look at that paragraph .

Two police cars and an ambulance came speeding to the front of the house and leapt out of the vehicles as quickly as possible, charging to the house.

Another badass sentence that needs a bit of splitting . Also, it sounds as if the police cars and ambulance leapt out of the vehicles . I think that needs rephrasing slightly.

Ani stood up and brushed he bum to get rid of any dirt.

Slight typo, also, I'm not sure if 'bum' is the right type of language to use here. It seems way to informal for this sort of situation. I dunno, it's your choice, so it could be ok.

One of the police offices knocked on the door and when there was no answer forced the door open. The stench of gone-off meat rushed through the door, clinging to the hair inside their nostrils.

Hmmm. Repetition of 'the door' could use a bit of thought to. The whole idea of the 'gone-off' meat is really wierd. How long was she left there for?!? I'd also like to say that the gone-off bit seems, again, too informal for the writing.

The ambulance crew ran in after the police officer and looked at the murder scene with disbelief.

“Quickly, get a knife and cut her down,” came a cry from the only female police officer.

AHHHH! I don't think cutting down the dead body quickly will help it. You see, you've already pronounced it dead in writing (murder scene) and I don't think it is very fair to stereotype the female police officer as the only one who is squeamish . Where you actually write 'murder scene' it seems the wrong place to put it. I'd just call it the scene, no need to put in murder.

The wire was swiftly cut and the hanging body dropped the one-foot drop to the ground. The hanged woman was covered in blood from her neck down. The white face stared spookily into space. A black bruise covered the forehead, just above her right eye. The pulse was checked even though they all knew she was dead.

*Sniffs* all the sentences begin with 'the'! I'd like to see some better uses of words here and the fact that they check her pulse should be made so it doesn't sound so detached. It sounds like this is all being told to us rather than shown.


Well, I repeat myself as I wrote in an earlier critique: Whoa violent! You've made a very good set of changes to the beginning and I really enjoyed this chapter. Just watch out for your characters. The only one that I really feel is a main character is the evil man who seems to have run off at this moment in time! I have lost my sense of purpose in the story. It seems to end where you stopped typing and I see no future for it. I think you need to bring the character's emotions in a bit more. I liked what you did with Ani but she just seems like a helpful add-in to discover the body. You need someone to take centre stage. We need a main character to follow. So give it to us!

I'm looking forward to the next chapter .

DarkLight

That was really good Magyk.This is a very interesting story.I would also say that yes you do need a main character.


And all other tiny errors has already been pointed out by Dark light....so I don't need to repeat them...lol

Expecting to see more of it soon....


Keep writing!