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'IS DANCE'



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Gender: Female
Points: 890
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Sat Feb 24, 2007 5:02 am
~love.dance~ says...



Title: ‘IS DANCE’ – the international school of dance
Author: ~love.dance~
Rating: PG- 13
Warnings: some violence and some adult themes
Summery: Tasha witnessed a double murder a couple of years ago; as a result she was placed at the dance academy under witness protection. Tasha begins to have flashbacks and suspects that her identity at the school has been compromised.

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‘Memories, we remember them’
Chapter One

The loud music came to a halt. The sweet voice of the dance teacher projected out and through the studio.
“Right, take your places for the routine, please.”
There was a quick scurry of life as the usually synchronized group of dancers made their way to their allocated spots. The music started again, but it had a different beat, it was more contagious than the previous mix that had been blasting though the rectangular room.
“And a five, six, seven, eight!” yelled the usually soft voice of the blond woman. This time instead of leading the group she watched on, her slim figure leant against the cream wall for support.
The whole room lit up with movement and colour, all of the student’s eyes were attentively looking into the mirror. The dance intensified as the rhythm and beat of the unknown song quickened. There were spins, turns, claps and moves all made at exactly the same time by the professional dance students. But this perfect sense of unison of all nineteen bodies moving as one was suddenly broken as a lightly built brunette girl fell to the floor. Seconds later the room went completely still, the music disappeared and there was not a sound made by the students. The first flourish of noise was made as they stepped back to let Miss Katz, their dance teacher, through.
“Tasha, can you hear me? You’re going to be fine.” She glanced at the staring onlookers, “Can someone get me a glass of water?”
There was no response but one boy left the room in search of water and a glass.

***

When Tasha finally came to she noticed that she was propped up against the wall in the dance studio. She looked around and caught the eye of Miss Katz, who had just finished packing up.
“Hey, how are you feeling Tasha?” she asked sweetly, bending down to be at a more equal height.
“Okay. A little bit shaky though, what happened?”
“Well, we were just going though our routine and a few seconds in you just collapsed; hit the floor like a ton of bricks. Mind you, I think the class was relieved, they got to leave early for dinner.” Miss Katz paused, reflecting for a moment, “Kids these days, always thinking about their stomachs.”
She turned back to Tasha, who still looked quite pale.
“It probably wouldn’t be such a bad idea if you got some food in your system too.”
Tasha knew that Miss Katz was right but she didn’t really feel hungry. “I think I’ll go and have a shower and a lie down first.”
“Well, if you are sure,” Miss Katz continued with a concerned tone. “I don’t want you to be even more unwell tomorrow. Remember, we have that new student joining us and I want the whole class to be looking their best.”
Tasha nodded, as convincingly as she could. Slowly she pulled herself up. Yes, that was what she needed, a nice warm shower. Tasha smiled at Miss Katz as she made her way towards the door. She was the only student from the whole school that had a room on the fourth floor; it was away from all the hustle and bustle of the three floors beneath her. She preferred to be alone, just to think.

***

Warm water fell over Tasha’s soft skin; she stood, letting the water rush over her face and down her body. She listened to the silence. Suddenly screaming and gunshots emerged from the calm, Tasha winced as the memories came flooding back.
“Stay where you are! Don’t move, or I’ll shot!” yelled the aggravated voice of a man.
“Please, don’t kill him,” raised the distressed voice of the woman.
The view from where Tasha was standing was not good; she could see the woman and half of the man. Another thing that she saw which was quite bloodcurdling was the fact that another middle-aged man was being held at gunpoint.
“Now step back…slowly.” The man wasn’t yelling anymore.
Just then the man held prisoner spoke, his voice deep but weak, “Please Julie, do what he says. I’ll be fine.”
Tasha’s eyes shot open, she forgot that the water was still running and the warm drops pierced her eyes. She looked down and began to feel a little queasy again, her body bent, the water still thumping her back. She stood straight once more feeling a little better. The visions kept coming.
“He’ll kill you Pete!” Julie was now hysterical, with tears of fear rolling down her scarlet cheeks.
“Back off lady.” The man took another step towards his prisoner.
“What do you want with him? Just let him go!” she questioned.
“Julie, it’s alright. Just go,” Pete started to sound as distressed as Julie.
The man holding the gun spoke, “You want to know what he did. I can assure you that you do not want to know lady.”
“How can it be so bad that you want to kill him? Nothing’s that bad,” Julie looked and sounded confused.
“Firstly he reported me to the authorities then got together with my wife,” he sounded enflamed yet calm.
Pete dared to answer back, to try and defend himself, “It’s only because you wouldn’t love her, you didn’t even love your own child!”
“Shut up you!” he shouted.
“But…” Julie started, she was interrupted.
“He bought this on himself.” He flicked off the safety catch with his thumb.
Tasha couldn’t believe what she was about to see; a man was about to get shot.
The man moved his arm quickly so the gun moved away from Pete’s head was pointed against Pete’s chest, at his lungs.
“No!” Julie yelled, but she was too late.
The man pulled the trigger and Pete’s body fell, hitting the ground. A pool of blood quickly appeared on the pavement from where the bullet punctured his lung.
Standing in the shower Tasha bent over once again, but this time the memory made her vomit, she had been trying all of these years to forget that awful night. She didn’t want to remember the rest, but like the flowing water, the images of horror kept coming.
As soon as it was obvious that Pete was hardly breathing and almost dead Julie went to let out a scream. But before she could even murmur she was shot as well. Once in the throat and again in the stomach. This man had no mercy. Tasha cupped her head in her hands. She couldn’t believe it; this ruthless man had just murdered two people.
What would she say? Who would she tell? She took a step back, wanting to get away, to forget what she just seen. As she moved back an empty can crushed under her shoe. She gasped.
“Who’s there!” yelled the man. “Show yourself!”
Tasha still had a view of the man, a proper one now because he was moving towards her. The gun was now pointing in her direction; she turned and ran. The footsteps behind her quickened. Tasha looked over her shoulder one last time and for a second, her eyes met the eyes of the killer. One pair filled with hate and one with fear.
He aimed and the gunshot tore through her memory.
Tasha collapsed in the shower; she reached up for the tap and turned the gushing water off. All was quiet, the only noise was the sobbing coming from Tasha, the tears falling from her eyes were mixing with the water already on her face. Her shaking hand grasped for the light blue towel that was hanging just centimeters away. Once again she pulled herself up. Stepping out of the shower she wrapped the towel around her quivering figure.
Tasha stared at herself in the mirror; she was now paler than she had been when she collapsed in the dance class. Moving slowly, trying to prevent herself from fainting, Tasha made her way to her wardrobe and draws, looking for a clean set of clothes. Slowly she dried herself, trying to make the memories evaporate with the water. It took Tasha about ten minutes to get dressed – she moved slowly.

***

Her eyes moved from the brown belt, now securely around her waist, to her own eyes in the mirror. She looked a little bit better; the clothes made her feel cleaner. She lightly combed through her damp hair and left it out to rest on her teal coloured shirt.
Tasha walked towards the door, ready to go down to dinner with the other students at the school, but as she closed the door she took a second to think.
Why had all of this come back to her? Was it like some kind of warning? Why had she remembered?
  





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Sat Feb 24, 2007 5:31 am
luna_the_shiekah says...



An interesting start. Prepare yourself! For now I shall critique it! ^_^

~love.dance~ wrote:The loud music came to a halt. The sweet voice of the dance teacher projected out and through the studio.

The first sentence is a fragment, I think it'd be a good idea for you to merge the two sentences together and decide on whether or not the teacher's voice is projecting through or out, not both.

~love.dance~ wrote:The music started again, but it had a different beat, it was more contagious than the previous mix that had been blasting though the rectangular room.

I suggest taking out the comma after "beat" and inserting "and" instead.

~love.dance~ wrote:“Stay where you are! Don’t move, or I’ll shot!” yelled the aggravated voice of a man.

I do believe you mean "shoot."

I liked the idea of it but it could use some tightening up. The dialog between Julie, Pete, and the killer was very cliche and predictable in my eyes. The ending of this chapter wasn't very fulfilling and seemed like a place you'd continue from not end at.

A nice beginning to be sure however.

LUNA
I cannot name this
I cannot explain this
and I really don't want to
just call me shameless.

-Ani Di Franco "Shameless"
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 493
Mon Mar 05, 2007 4:50 am
Misty says...



Hey there! Writing about things we know is always fun, and you seem to have taken a lot of dance lessons yourself! It's good to write about what makes you feel, too, and what intrigues you. A general rule of thumb, if the author is getting into the story, it'll almost always help the reader get into it!

A few things to watch out for:

THE OVERUSE OF ADJETIVES

"aggrivated voice of a man," ... "distressed voice of a woman."

Man and woman, in this case would have been fine. There are other instances like this, such as "yelled the normally sweet voice of..." so-and-so. If her voice is normally sweet, why is she yelling? Also, there was a sentence about a girl (who had a slim frame) breaking up the group. You tried to pack too much description into the sentence and kind of wrecked it as a result.

(sorry about the non-using Quote button faux pas, my internet is being shaky right now for some reason it isn't working)

So, what you want to do is use just enough adjetives to keep us going, to let us know what's going on, but make sure you give us the freedom to imagine for ourselves this-and-that.


Like, when you said somebody fell to the floor, I immediately imagined a girl with brown hair, kind of curly, pretty, made-up face, etc.


Do describe, for sure, but never over-describe. You do just enough of this, and then you go over the top with an excess word a sentence. Just read it aloud and edit it down a bit, and it'll be fab.

Giving us what we're getting into

I liked your little summary at the top, which let me know exactly what was going on, what to look out for. etc. It helped things come together. One thing to keep in mind though, is a) don't post too much at a time, and b) separate paragraphs for optimum enjoyment.

Other than that, all I can say is read like holy hell, readandreadandreadandreadandread. The people who have been published can both teach you what to do and what not to do, so go for the classics first, and then check out the modern literature. A good writer should do ten times more reading then writing.

:) And maybe check some books out about Grammar and Syntax...Read the stuff put in Writing Tips too, it can only help.


Good luck with your writing, love dance!
  





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Gender: Male
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Reviews: 59
Thu Mar 08, 2007 1:31 am
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order says...



I like this idea but I have just a few suggestions. before the flash back I think you might want to have something that triggers it instead of her listening and then just remembering. Also I think you should combine some sentences and avoid the use of words like "another"; they sound essayish.

Other than my stupid little quirks, this was an awesome start, good job :D
  








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