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Boundries and Alleyways prologue



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Sat Apr 07, 2007 10:25 pm
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Leja says...



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Major re-write coming soon!
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They said it had begun years ago, before I could remember, before I was even born. But don’t try to pass that off me. I watched it happen. There was distrust between the university neighbors, and my class in school got smaller and smaller by the year until finally, the head of the board had to close the school. It wasn’t safe anywhere.

Evacuations had only lasted a week, but the perimeter had already been set up, towering over the four sides of the urban community, stopping at the bridge that divided it from the docks and the farming community along the river. Anyone who was leaving would have to do so quietly. That’s what my family did. I heard about it via post.

I was at school at the time, first year only, first time away from home, attending the university that every woman in my family had attended for the last three centuries.

The first few days, the teachers tried to keep up appearances, continuing classes, and we remained in our rooms. But once they left, all hope fled with them and everyone was on their won. Some left, myself among them, in search of something meaningful, none of us knew what that meant, in the surrounding town, just past the common and through the stone arch of the university, released into the world like a plague.

The first night I wasn’t prepared. I’d worn a sweatshirt that morning and shorts that went to my knees. I only had a few granola and candy bars in my pockets. The five dollars I found later didn’t help. No store had been open inside the perimeter for the past two weeks. I had to stay under a small bridge that night. It began to rain, and I didn’t get a bit of sleep for fear of what might come along.

I was hungry the next morning, but only allowed myself one of the granola bars, not knowing when I might need to eat the other one. The previous night’s rain had dried in the early hours of the morning, and it was looking like it would be a sunny day. I set off in search of somewhere to stay, resolving to search the perimeter the next day when I knew I would have a place to come back to.

Around mid day, I became lucky. In the centre of town and the beginning of the community surrounding it, I wasn’t watching where I was going, and in the process, I stepped into a hole and twisted my ankle and in the process of digging my foot out of said hole, under the leaves and under the dirt, there was a metal which led to part of a door. Or, more correctly, a hatchway. All that seemed left of whatever this door led to was the torched frame of a house. The foundation and the floor were still there, though covered in mud and decomposing leaves by now. One room in the back that looked as if it was once a kitchen or dining room that still had some shape to it. Looking around and seeing no one, I pulled the door open and climbed through.

Inside, it was dark. Only a little murky light shone through the high windows, or what was left of them, at the top of the foundation. On one wall was an old stove that would be fed by firewood. A staircase was nestled into one corner: three steps, a landing, four steps, another landing, and at that landing was a door that I assumed led to the upstairs. An old cupboard sat in the corner next to the stove. Here, I became even luckier. The old basement must have been a hurricane shelter in a previous life, and so contained stores of candles and dried food, and even a blanket.

I ate a second granola bar that day to celebrate before taking the blanket and curling up on the floor. It was the happiest I’d been in days, even though I’m sure there were other things living in that old basement and that old armchair besides me. It was here that I celebrated my seventeenth birthday.

When I got up the next morning, I was still hungry, but I didn’t want to eat up my whole store of food at once. I ate my daily granola bar, folded up my blanket, and left for the day the way I’d come, making sure to cover the door with leaves so that no one else could find it.

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Author's Note
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First of all, if you've made it through the above text and are now reading my note, thank you for reading. Any comments are appreciated.

Second of all, my question of the post: From the description given, could you get an idea of the setting?

Want to read the next chapter? It's here: Chapter One
Last edited by Leja on Tue May 29, 2007 8:17 pm, edited 5 times in total.
  





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Sat Apr 07, 2007 11:56 pm
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Writersdomain says...



This was quite good. You have done a very good job of painting the setting and your first person isn't rambling - which is very good.

My only major concern is that this seemed a little dry. I know this is just the prologue, but it seemed a little detached from the character. If you wanted this, congratulations, but I didn't feel very attuned to the main character's emotions and personality. You talk a lot about where she has been and some of her feelings, but it still seemed detached. It might just be me, but at least think about it.

Evacuations had only lasted a week, but the perimeter had already been set up, towering over the four sides of the urban community, stopping at the bridge that divided it from the docks and the farming community along the river.


Might just be my personal opinion, but I think it would sound better if you omitted the 'had' from the first sentence.

Around mid day, I became lucky. In the centre of town and the beginning of the community surrounding it, I wasn’t watching where I was going, and in the process, I stepped into a hole and twisted my ankle and in the process of digging my foot out of said hole, under the leaves and under the dirt, there was a metal which led to part of a door. Or, more correctly, a hatchway. All that seemed left of whatever this door led to was the torched frame of a house. The foundation and the floor were still there, though covered in mud and decomposing leaves by now. One room in the back that looked as if it was once a kitchen or dining room that still had some shape to it. Looking around and seeing no one, I pulled the door open and climbed through.


I'm not that fond of the phrase of her becoming lucky. Not sure if there is more behind this than meets the eye, but I can see her being lucky instead of becoming lucky more easily. The orange sentence is very, very long. I suggest breaking it up - it's quite a mouthful right now. In the green sentence, I don't think the word 'seemed' fits very well. The narrator is seeing this and, even if there is more in the house, her first impression is that all that is left is the frame. We can find out there is more without the 'seem' part. The violet sentence is a fragment.

As I've said, this was very good if not a little dry. I look forward to reading more and learning about your main character. Fascinating. Nicely done and please keep writing! PM me if you have any questions.
~ WD
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"All I know, all I'm saying, is that a story finds a storyteller. Not the other way around." ~Neverwas
  





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Sun Apr 08, 2007 3:07 am
ELven-Maiden says...



I get a basic idea of a setting. But I think you rush the descriptions too much. Do you think you could slow it own a bit?

In fact, the entire story moves a bit quickly for me to follow. And I guess I really don't feel for your character. Make me cry for her misfortunes!

This seems like a really cool story. Keep writing!
Give me time, i'll crit your work XD I promise.
GO HORACE!
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Sun Apr 08, 2007 12:25 pm
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miyaviloves says...



Right well i think Elven and Writersdomain have said all that really needs to be said, but hey i loved this! And that is all i need to say so thankyou for posting it :D

Miyaviloves
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Sun Apr 08, 2007 8:08 pm
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Ares says...



Something about this seems familiar.
I'm not sure what though.

Where'd you get the idea?

Anyways, it's a pretty decent piece, the only thing it could use that I can think of is some more background information, and maybe a little revising. Nothing major though.

It's pretty cool.

I wanna know where all the people are, where's your charatcer going in the end?
  





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Sun Apr 15, 2007 2:04 pm
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Mad says...



Not much I can say that hasnt been said.

For me, as a personal preference, I think that you need to add a bit more to the beginning. It comes across as a bit vague and I'm not really to sure whats exactly is happening - that could be the way that you want it though. I think maybe a bit more detail about the problem would be good.

I think that your form for getting across the description works well, I like the way your character narrates whats happening.
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Naught else is worth the having. -- Ezra Pound

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If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
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