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The Line: Re-appearing (chapter 11)



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Sun Apr 08, 2007 2:09 am
stupidiot92 says...



this is my 11th chapter it is pretty small but i think it is a good one

PLEASE COMMENT :!:

Chapter 11
The Cursed Spell



Sendoma had been up for at least an hour when Grishtog returned. He said, “About time. I’ve been so bored and I didn’t want to use all my energy practicing the other spells.”

“It’s a tough job being a demi-god,” replied Grishtog with an exhale. “Are you sure you want to learn this spell right now?”

“I am certain. I want to be able to use a spell that can kill instantly,” replied Sendoma.

“We’ll practice killing a deer. Come here, I know where one is,” said Grishtog.

Sendoma stood next to Grishtog, and Grishtog closed his eyes and they teleported to a small clearing in the woods. It was night time, and Sendoma looked around and asked, “So where is this deer?”

“Somewhere off in that direction. I’ll wait here for you to return with dinner,” said Grishtog while he was pointing to Sendoma’s left as he sat on a log.

Sendoma left the small clearing that they had appeared in and stalked through the woods looking for a deer. He finally saw the deer drinking. He was ready to try the spell when he saw a fawn walk up to the stream next to the other deer.

All of a sudden, a wolf launched from the trees at the fawn and other deer. Sendoma said, “Ihsanak Anso,” and everything around him stopped. He ran in front of the wolf and said, “Ihsanak Anso,” again. When time started again, Sendoma tackled the wolf. He laid his hand on the wolf and said, “Uoki Urotica.” The wolf instantly died.

However, thoughts entered Sendoma. Thoughts of killing everything. He tried to fight the thoughts, but they overran his mind easily. He picked up a rock next to him and threw it at the fleeing deer and fawn. It hit the deer right in the neck. The deer collapsed, and the fawn continued running.

He walked over to the deer’s body and saw that the deer was still alive. He smiled and let it suffer for a bit then decided to snap its neck. After he killed the deer, he went back to where Grishtog was.

When he entered the small clearing, Grishtog said, “Where’s the deer?”

All Sendoma did was chuckle and run at Grishtog. When he got close to Grishtog, he tried to punch him. However, Grishtog blocked and asked, “What are you doing my son?” Sendoma responded by trying to trip Grishtog. Grishtog jumped just in time, and when he landed barely had enough time to block Sendoma’s second punch.

While Grishtog was still off balance, Sendoma took his other hand and thrust it against Grishtog’s arm. Grishtog fell backwards. However, he rolled back on to his feet and blocked another punch from Sendoma. Sendoma took this chance to take Grishtog’s sword. He reached for the hilt, but Grishtog knocked his hand away from the sword. Sendoma then got a clear hit on Grishtog’s head. Once again he tried for the sword, but Grishtog stumbled back from the blow which made Sendoma miss the sword.

Sendoma tried to trip Grishtog again, but Grishtog jumped again. However, he picked some dirt when he was on the ground. When he stood up he threw the dirt into Grishtog’s eyes. Grishtog stumbled back and blinked several times to get the dirt out of his eyes. Sendoma finally got his hand on the hilt of the sword and unsheathed it. Grishtog, still unable to see clearly, turned around and ran from Sendoma hoping his other senses would guide him through the woods.

Grishtog was making his way through the woods until Sendoma caught up with him. His senses warned him that Sendoma was going to slash at his stomach area. He turned right behind a tree. Sendoma did slash the sword, but Grishtog had moved just in time that the sword got stuck in a tree. Grishtog continued running while Sendoma tried to get the sword unstuck. Grishtog’s vision was slowly coming back

Sendoma finally got the sword unstuck and ran after Grishtog. He slowly caught up to Grishtog and sent a beam of fire at him. Grishtog turned so the beam missed him but came face to face with Sendoma. All he saw was a blurry image of Sendoma. Sendoma rushed at him and slashed the sword at him. Grishtog ducked and lightly hit Sendoma in his gut.

He tried to get the sword back from Sendoma, but he knocked it out of his hands far into the forest. Sendoma shoved Grishtog out of the way and rummaged through the grass for it. Grishtog ran off again, just before Sendoma found the sword again. Sendoma, frustrated, ran the fastest he has in a while.

He was catching up to Grishtog when Grishtog tripped over a log in his way after almost three hours had passed. Sendoma stopped right beside Grishtog and slashed at his head as him came back up. Grishtog ducked, but Sendoma brought the blunt side of the blade back and hit Grishtog on the top of the head hard. Grishtog lost consciousness and collapsed to the ground.

Sendoma readied the sword just above Grishtog’s motionless body. He was bringing the sword down for a final strike when it stopped a few inches from Grishtog’s body. The thoughts poured out of Sendoma’s mind as quickly as they had come in. He threw the sword to the side and knelt beside his father’s body. He called for Valentine, and after a few minutes Valentine appeared in the sky above them

He landed near them and ran to the aid of his master. He asked when he got there, “What happened?”

“I don’t know. I need to ask Oracle. I’m sure he knew about this and didn’t say a thing,” replied Sendoma as Valentine helped him get his fathers body off the ground. Valentine kept Grishtog’s body from falling down while Sendoma got his sword. Valentine teleported them back to the hall. Valentine started taking Grishtog to his room when Oracle entered. Sendoma went to him, grabbed his shirt and pinned him against the wall.

“You knew that would happen didn’t you!” yelled Sendoma.

“You’re correct, I did see that happen, but I can not interfere unless I see myself interfering. Besides, I saw you wouldn’t kill him and you will need that spell in your future,” replied Oracle calmly.

Sendoma let go of Oracle and said, “You are becoming a royal pain in the ass.”

Sendoma started walking off to his room when Oracle said, “When you use that spell you turn into a servant of darkness for three hours.”

Sendoma continued walking and went into his room. He slammed the door behind him and laid on his bed. Soon after he laid down, the voice in his head said, “What happened back there? You completely blocked me from talking to you.”

“I still don’t. Apparently, when I use the spell my father just taught me, I turn evil for three hours exactly,” thought Sendoma as he realized how exhausted he was.

“That’s horrible. Did your father know about it?”

“No he didn’t. I nearly killed him just because I had the feeling of killing everything I saw move.”

“You should get some rest. I can feel your exhaustion and it isn’t good to continue on like this.”

“I was just thinking that. Well, good night,” said Sendoma as he shut his eyes and fell asleep shortly after.
It doesn't think, doesn't feel.
It doesn't laugh or cry.
All it does from dusk 'till dawn
is make the soldiers die
  





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Sun Apr 08, 2007 12:20 pm
miyaviloves says...



Right, well i have not read any of the other chapters so i wont comment on like any progression because i simply do not know about it! :D

Ok, first things first, i liked this, and i think i may just go and take a look at the other chapters when i have some spare time. But a few things bothered me and they are:

Your vocabulary isnt very um..whats the word..wide? Would that be right? You keep to the same types of words and its all a bit, and she did this and then this and said this and then said that, if you get me? I think you have a wider use of words then it would be more exciting?

I'm not saying that when you are writing just open a theasaus and get words of that, sometimes that sounds awfully bad (there is a boy in my creative writing class who uses such strange words in his writing that it makes no sense atall!) But maybe read some more book, hah, that may sound really simple but i find that when you read more, and a variety of styles your writing and choices of words expands a nd your wrting is ultimatly better.

Other than that i like the story (what i have read so far) and i thi nk you have something here, its really good and you are clearly very talented!

Good luck with this!

Miyaviloves
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Sat Apr 28, 2007 7:58 pm
Writersdomain says...



Wow.

That was really cool. Seriously, at first, I was very surprised about Sendoma suddenly going crazy, but then the cursed spell... and that's just plain cool. It will be a powerful plot device for you. Very good. *cheers*

I felt bad for the deer though. :cry:

Teleportation!

I have no problems with teleportation, but I think it would be really cool if you explained what the teleportation feels like, if Sendoma sees anything, or what exactly happens. Does he get disoriented or what? Don't go into too much detail, but a little might be neat.

Sendoma's Emotional Revelation

So, at the very end Sendoma realizes that he turns evil for three hours after this spell. Wow. That's quite a shocker for the reader AND for him. I suggest making a bigger deal out of this discovery, have some thoughts running through Sendoma's head. We know Sendoma is angry, but what else is he thinking? Is he horrified over almost killing his father? Wishing that he did? It might be very powerful if you expanded.

Some questions:

1. Was the chase wth Grishtog three hours long? :shock:

2. You say while Grishtog is running that his vision is slowly coming back. This may be my bad memory, but how does Grishtog run through a forest not being able to see?

Very nice job here, Mike. Keep watching for phrasing/sentence structure etc. and this part will be awesome. Very important scene. You have improved a lot even since last chapter, and I look forward to reading more of this when you post it. Keep writing! PM me if you need anything. :D
~ WD
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"All I know, all I'm saying, is that a story finds a storyteller. Not the other way around." ~Neverwas
  








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