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The Line: Re-appearing (chapter 2)Edited Version



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Sun Apr 08, 2007 9:33 pm
stupidiot92 says...



here is chapter two edited hope you like it

Chapter 2
The Meeting


When Rone woke up he couldn’t remember anything except he had a pain in his ankle and a headache. He saw he was in the middle of charred area of grassland at night in the woods. Then he recalled what had happened. He looked around to see if the scroll was still there and saw it next to the librarian’s body. He wondered why there was such a large area of burnt grass and why he hadn’t been affected by it.

As he tried to get up, he felt a stabbing pain in his left shoulder and fell back down. He searched for anything there. He felt the knife and was about to take it out when he remembered what he had read. “When something has pierced your skin, do not pull it out until you have the proper medical attention.”

Rone dragged himself over to a tree and got to a standing position. He walked over to the scroll and picked it up. After he put it in his pack he noticed something. He heard nothing. No screams. No sounds of fighting. No sounds of destruction.

He stood there a moment, pondering whether he should go back to town. After a while he remembered his sister’s tattered corpse. He felt like crying again thinking of his sister, but he couldn’t anymore. He decided if anyone had survived that devastation, he would try to save them. He decided to go back to Valeria to search for survivors and supplies and try to kill any of those who had killed his sister.

As he was walking back, Rone heard some bushes being brushed up against. He reached into his bag and grabbed a scroll. He thought it was the flame scroll from before, but he didn’t realize he had grabbed a different one. He opened the scroll and was ready to throw it on the ground hoping that it would be the invaders so he could get revenge. However, it was a skinny girl with brown hair, brown eyes and cacky colored clothes.

“Sisilia, I thought you were in the city when it was attacked,” said Rone as he put the scroll back in his bag.

“We were training when the attacked happened,” she replied as a tall, buff boy with black hair and black eyes walked out of the brush.

“I probably should’ve guessed that. You two are always trying to be stronger than each other, right Wyvern?” said Rone recognizing his academy enemy.

“What happened? It looks like you were in a battle,” replied Wyvern after he yawned.

“Unlike you guys, I was in Valeria when it was attacked. I was escorted out of Valeria by the librarian, but we were ambushed and the librarian lost his life,” said Rone slowly while he stared at a spot on the ground with slumped shoulders.

“So what was that huge explosion?” asked Sisilia.

“I don’t know. We were already out of the city when the explosion happened,” replied Rone.

“We were heading back to find any survivors. Why are you heading back? I mean you’re injured and alone,” said Sisilia.

“I was also heading back to look for survivors,” replied Rone.

“That isn’t very smart. I thought you would be the smart one and at least heal before you went back,” said Sisilia sternly.

“I don’t care what happens to me. My younger sister was mercilessly killed by them and I want to help anyone I can before those…those monsters get to them,” replied Rone with some tears beginning to form on his eyes.

“That sounds more like revenge to me,” interrupted Wyvern.

Sisilia gave Wyvern a stern look and said, “If we want to help any survivors we should get there as soon as possible.”

“I agree,” said Rone after he wiped away the tears.
They went to Valeria without saying anything to each other. They were a few minutes from Valeria when Rone picked up a rock, threw it into the woods, and yelled, “Who’s there?”

“HEY WHAT WAS THAT FOR?” yelled a voice out in the woods.

“Identify yourself,” ordered Sisilia.

“Don’t you recognize me, Rone?” asked a seventeen year old boy with brown hair and brown eyes calmly coming out of the brush.

“Sendoma, it’s been a while,” replied Rone with a smile.

“Sendoma, you’re the only upper classmen that I haven’t been able to beat,” said Wyvern recognizing Sendoma.

“I remember you. You’re tough you almost beat every time,” replied Sendoma with a smile.

“Sendoma, you were right. They need our help. They didn’t even see me coming,” said a girl about Sendoma’s height and age with dirty blonde hair and light green eyes.

“Yea, they didn’t notice you,” agreed Sendoma.

“What do you mean?” asked Rone completely confused.

“I used a stealth spell. The sloppiest one there is, and I walked right next to you guys. You didn’t notice me even when I blew on you,” replied the girl.

“But you are better at stealth spells than others, Alexandria,” said Sisilia.

“So what are you guys doing?” asked Sendoma with a shrug.

“We were going back to Valeria to search for any survivors,” replied Rone.

“Sounds good to me, but I don’t care just as long as I don’t die,” said Sendoma.

“No! There might be more of them waiting for survivors to return,” said Wyvern with a rush of intelligence.

“Ya know big and tall has a point there,” said Sendoma joking about Wyvern’s height and buff body.

“That makes sense, but we still need to get supplies and rescue any survivors so
let’s come up with a plan,” said Rone already thinking of a plan.

After a while Sendoma said, “I got it. We come into the city at different times, but we make sure we can see each other. The thing is we need a base camp.”

“The library,” Rone said quickly.

“Wha…why?” asked Wyvern completely dumbfounded.

“Well the first thing it is in the center of the town so no matter where we are we don’t have to walk very long to get back to the base. Secondly with all the tables in there we can create fortifications. And thirdly I need to use the books to translate these scrolls I have.”

“The library it is,” said Sisilia and Alexandria at the same time while Sendoma noticing the look they gave each other.

“I’ll go in front to lead the way. Last is the most dangerous so you guys argue over it,” said Rone without any one objecting.

“I’ll be last,” said Sendoma surprising everyone.

“Why?” asked Alexandria.

“Well the academy taught me magic that I have no talent in. None of you know
how powerful my magic is and I think I am more powerful than most of you right now.”

“Okay I agree Big Mouth’s in the back,” said Wyvern right after Sendoma.

“Are you sure about this?” asked Rone. Sendoma nodded and Rone said, “Okay it’s decided. See you in the library,” said Rone, a little concerned for Sendoma.



Rone walked slowly, turning around, constantly scanning the area looking for traps or Ankishi. As Rone got deeper into the town, he slowly relaxed and went faster. After a while Rone reached the library. It was exactly the way he had left it with the two Ankishi’s bodies greeting him as he walked in. He went to the tables and started moving them to create a small fortress. As he was setting up the last table, Sisilia walked in.

“Need any help?” she asked surprised at how much Rone had done and the two Ankishi bodies at the entrance.

“Yea, can you start gathering translation books? Any language,” said Rone, admiring his fortress.

As Sisilia searched the shelves for translation books, Rone searched them for survival and guide books.

“Hello? Anyone here?” shouted a voice from the entrance.

“Wyvern, you’re so stupid. What if there were enemies in here. You would have just announced yourself to them,” shouted Sisilia extremely angry.

“Geez. Sorry.”

“Wyvern, help Sisilia with searching for translation books,” said Rone, not even fazed by Sisilia’s outbreak thinking that he would’ve done it if she hadn’t.

“Okay.”

After a while neither Sendoma nor Alexandria had entered the library, so Rone was getting nervous.

“Whew. I thought that you guys were caught. You should at least have someone standing there to welcome the others or enemies and to explain the two bodies at the entrance,” said a voice right above Rone.

Rone looked up and saw Alexandria standing on the top of the book shelf he was looking at. “What took you so long? I was starting to get worried,” said Rone as he let out a sigh of relief.

“I got side tracked a little bit.”

“How about you wait for Sendoma and move those bodies out of here?”

“Okay. Oh and nice fairyland castle you’ve set up here.”



As Sendoma was walking through the city, he noticed something that he hadn’t. Valeria was still intact. He thought the explosion from before was large enough to destroy most of the city, but most of the buildings were still up. He also saw so many bodies that were mercilessly killed. However, he noticed that he had stopped and was out of sight of Alexandria.

“Why’d I volunteer to be last? I don’t even know the way to the library,” whispered Sendoma to himself.

“How’d you survive?” said a commanding voice several feet behind Sendoma.

As Sendoma turned around, he saw a guy in black clothing with eyes on fire.

“Hello my name is Sendoma. What is your name?” said Sendoma sarcastically.

“My name is Makajeh and I am the leader of the Ankishi, the army that destroyed this town. So how did you survive?” responded Makajeh impatiently.

“I was out of the city when it was attacked. How’d you destroy this city?”

“I had infiltrators come in and destroy the gate. Then my army of four thousand came in and killed everyone. Also we blew up the palace before the council and guards could get out.”

“How did an army of four thousand destroy a city of twenty thousand elite magic users?”

“We found a way to make ourselves immune to magic. However, we did have about twenty casualties. Now, I need to kill you.”

Immediately after Sendoma heard that, he got ready to defend himself. Makajeh
drew his bastard sword and charged at Sendoma. Sendoma raised his hand in the air and waited for Makajeh to get closer to him. As soon as Makajeh was five feet away, Sendoma aimed his hand at the earth. A pillar of fire spiraled around Sendoma and hit the ground. When it hit the street, it erupted into a curved beam like the end of a parenthesis. It then flew quickly toward Makajeh. Makajeh, barely having time to respond, jumped out of the way and slashed at Sendoma. Sendoma ducked and thrust his fist into Makajeh’s gut. Makajeh was stunned by the attack. Sendoma saw the chance and took it. He kept punching Makajeh until Makajeh jumped backward and started dodging. Sendoma backed out of reach of Makajeh and his bastard sword

“You’re tougher than I thought. I am being summoned so ssssI will spare your life this once, but next time the battle won’t even be half as long,” said Makajeh with slightly labored breathing.

“Wait, before you leave. Where’s the library?”

Makajeh, annoyed, said words that gave Sendoma chills and teleported away.

“I was serious. I have no idea where the library is,” yelled Sendoma.

“Who are you talking to?” said a female voice behind Sendoma.

“Oh, no one, just the leader of the enemy,” said Sendoma after he noticed it was Alexandria.

“Really, well everyone’s waiting so come on,” said Alexandria in disbelief.
It doesn't think, doesn't feel.
It doesn't laugh or cry.
All it does from dusk 'till dawn
is make the soldiers die
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 27175
Reviews: 387
Tue Apr 24, 2007 7:41 pm
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Kylan says...



Hey, 92. Remember me??? Even though you probably hate my guts, bear with my critiques...

So... Overall, much better than your last chapter. Your characters all have very distinguishable personalities, but I do have a few comments. (Here we go again :D )

1.) At the beginning, don't just leave the librarians body lying there. Have a couple days pass with Rone in shock and have him burn the libraian's body. Or something. You mention the dead guy once. And then you move on.

2.)
stupidiot92 wrote:

When Rone woke up he couldn’t remember anything except he had a pain in his ankle and a headache. He saw he was in the middle of charred area of grassland at night in the woods. Then he recalled what had happened. He looked around to see if the scroll was still there and saw it next to the librarian’s body. He wondered why there was such a large area of burnt grass and why he hadn’t been affected by it.

As he tried to get up, he felt a stabbing pain in his left shoulder and fell back down. He searched for anything there. He felt the knife and was about to take it out when he remembered what he had read. “When something has pierced your skin, do not pull it out until you have the proper medical attention.”

Rone dragged himself over to a tree and got to a standing position. He walked over to the scroll and picked it up. After he put it in his pack he noticed something. He heard nothing. No screams. No sounds of fighting. No sounds of destruction.

He stood there a moment, pondering whether he should go back to town. After a while he remembered his sister’s tattered corpse. He felt like crying again thinking of his sister, but he couldn’t anymore. He decided if anyone had survived that devastation, he would try to save them. He decided to go back to Valeria to search for survivors and supplies and try to kill any of those who had killed his sister.

As he was walking back, Rone heard some bushes being brushed up against. He reached into his bag and grabbed a scroll. He thought it was the flame scroll from before, but he didn’t realize he had grabbed a different one. He opened the scroll and was ready to throw it on the ground hoping that it would be the invaders so he could get revenge. However, it was a skinny girl with brown hair, brown eyes and cacky colored clothes.

“Sisilia, I thought you were in the city when it was attacked,” said Rone as he put the scroll back in his bag.

“We were training when the attacked happened,” she replied as a tall, buff boy with black hair and black eyes walked out of the brush.

“I probably should’ve guessed that. You two are always trying to be stronger than each other, right Wyvern?” said Rone recognizing his academy enemy.

“What happened? It looks like you were in a battle,” replied Wyvern after he yawned.

“Unlike you guys, I was in Valeria when it was attacked. I was escorted out of Valeria by the librarian, but we were ambushed and the librarian lost his life,” said Rone slowly while he stared at a spot on the ground with slumped shoulders.

“So what was that huge explosion?” asked Sisilia.

“I don’t know. We were already out of the city when the explosion happened,” replied Rone.

“We were heading back to find any survivors. Why are you heading back? I mean you’re injured and alone,” said Sisilia.

“I was also heading back to look for survivors,” replied Rone.

“That isn’t very smart. I thought you would be the smart one and at least heal before you went back,” said Sisilia sternly.

“I don’t care what happens to me. My younger sister was mercilessly killed by them and I want to help anyone I can before those…those monsters get to them,” replied Rone with some tears beginning to form on his eyes.

“That sounds more like revenge to me,” interrupted Wyvern.

Sisilia gave Wyvern a stern look and said, “If we want to help any survivors we should get there as soon as possible.”

“I agree,” said Rone after he wiped away the tears.
They went to Valeria without saying anything to each other. They were a few minutes from Valeria when Rone picked up a rock, threw it into the woods, and yelled, “Who’s there?”

“HEY WHAT WAS THAT FOR?” yelled a voice out in the woods.

“Identify yourself,” ordered Sisilia.

“Don’t you recognize me, Rone?” asked a seventeen year old boy with brown hair and brown eyes calmly coming out of the brush.

“Sendoma, it’s been a while,” replied Rone with a smile.

“Sendoma, you’re the only upper classmen that I haven’t been able to beat,” said Wyvern recognizing Sendoma.

“I remember you. You’re tough you almost beat every time,” replied Sendoma with a smile.

“Sendoma, you were right. They need our help. They didn’t even see me coming,” said a girl about Sendoma’s height and age with dirty blonde hair and light green eyes.

“Yea, they didn’t notice you,” agreed Sendoma.

“What do you mean?” asked Rone completely confused.

“I used a stealth spell. The sloppiest one there is, and I walked right next to you guys. You didn’t notice me even when I blew on you,” replied the girl.

“But you are better at stealth spells than others, Alexandria,” said Sisilia.

“So what are you guys doing?” asked Sendoma with a shrug.

“We were going back to Valeria to search for any survivors,” replied Rone.

“Sounds good to me, but I don’t care just as long as I don’t die,” said Sendoma.

“No! There might be more of them waiting for survivors to return,” said Wyvern with a rush of intelligence.

“Ya know big and tall has a point there,” said Sendoma joking about Wyvern’s height and buff body.

“That makes sense, but we still need to get supplies and rescue any survivors so
let’s come up with a plan,” said Rone already thinking of a plan.

After a while Sendoma said, “I got it. We come into the city at different times, but we make sure we can see each other. The thing is we need a base camp.”

“The library,” Rone said quickly.

“Wha…why?” asked Wyvern completely dumbfounded.

“Well the first thing it is in the center of the town so no matter where we are we don’t have to walk very long to get back to the base. Secondly with all the tables in there we can create fortifications. And thirdly I need to use the books to translate these scrolls I have.”

“The library it is,” said Sisilia and Alexandria at the same time while Sendoma noticing the look they gave each other.

“I’ll go in front to lead the way. Last is the most dangerous so you guys argue over it,” said Rone without any one objecting.

“I’ll be last,” said Sendoma surprising everyone.

“Why?” asked Alexandria.

“Well the academy taught me magic that I have no talent in. None of you know
how powerful my magic is and I think I am more powerful than most of you right now.”

“Okay I agree Big Mouth’s in the back,” said Wyvern right after Sendoma.

“Are you sure about this?” asked Rone. Sendoma nodded and Rone said, “Okay it’s decided. See you in the library,” said Rone, a little concerned for Sendoma.



Rone walked slowly, turning around, constantly scanning the area looking for traps or Ankishi. As Rone got deeper into the town, he slowly relaxed and went faster. After a while Rone reached the library. It was exactly the way he had left it with the two Ankishi’s bodies greeting him as he walked in. He went to the tables and started moving them to create a small fortress. As he was setting up the last table, Sisilia walked in.

“Need any help?” she asked surprised at how much Rone had done and the two Ankishi bodies at the entrance.

“Yea, can you start gathering translation books? Any language,” said Rone, admiring his fortress.

As Sisilia searched the shelves for translation books, Rone searched them for survival and guide books.

“Hello? Anyone here?” shouted a voice from the entrance.

“Wyvern, you’re so stupid. What if there were enemies in here. You would have just announced yourself to them,” shouted Sisilia extremely angry.

“Geez. Sorry.”

“Wyvern, help Sisilia with searching for translation books,” said Rone, not even fazed by Sisilia’s outbreak thinking that he would’ve done it if she hadn’t.

“Okay.”

After a while neither Sendoma nor Alexandria had entered the library, so Rone was getting nervous.

“Whew. I thought that you guys were caught. You should at least have someone standing there to welcome the others or enemies and to explain the two bodies at the entrance,” said a voice right above Rone.

Rone looked up and saw Alexandria standing on the top of the book shelf he was looking at. “What took you so long? I was starting to get worried,” said Rone as he let out a sigh of relief.

“I got side tracked a little bit.”

“How about you wait for Sendoma and move those bodies out of here?”

“Okay. Oh and nice fairyland castle you’ve set up here.”



As Sendoma was walking through the city, he noticed something that he hadn’t. Valeria was still intact. He thought the explosion from before was large enough to destroy most of the city, but most of the buildings were still up. He also saw so many bodies that were mercilessly killed. However, he noticed that he had stopped and was out of sight of Alexandria.

“Why’d I volunteer to be last? I don’t even know the way to the library,” whispered Sendoma to himself.

“How’d you survive?” said a commanding voice several feet behind Sendoma.

As Sendoma turned around, he saw a guy in black clothing with eyes on fire.

“Hello my name is Sendoma. What is your name?” said Sendoma sarcastically.

“My name is Makajeh and I am the leader of the Ankishi, the army that destroyed this town. So how did you survive?” responded Makajeh impatiently.

“I was out of the city when it was attacked. How’d you destroy this city?”

“I had infiltrators come in and destroy the gate. Then my army of four thousand came in and killed everyone. Also we blew up the palace before the council and guards could get out.”

“How did an army of four thousand destroy a city of twenty thousand elite magic users?”

“We found a way to make ourselves immune to magic. However, we did have about twenty casualties. Now, I need to kill you.”

Immediately after Sendoma heard that, he got ready to defend himself. Makajeh
drew his bastard sword and charged at Sendoma. Sendoma raised his hand in the air and waited for Makajeh to get closer to him. As soon as Makajeh was five feet away, Sendoma aimed his hand at the earth. A pillar of fire spiraled around Sendoma and hit the ground. When it hit the street, it erupted into a curved beam like the end of a parenthesis. It then flew quickly toward Makajeh. Makajeh, barely having time to respond, jumped out of the way and slashed at Sendoma. Sendoma ducked and thrust his fist into Makajeh’s gut. Makajeh was stunned by the attack. Sendoma saw the chance and took it. He kept punching Makajeh until Makajeh jumped backward and started dodging. Sendoma backed out of reach of Makajeh and his bastard sword

“You’re tougher than I thought. I am being summoned so ssssI will spare your life this once, but next time the battle won’t even be half as long,” said Makajeh with slightly labored breathing.

“Wait, before you leave. Where’s the library?”

Makajeh, annoyed, said words that gave Sendoma chills and teleported away.

“I was serious. I have no idea where the library is,” yelled Sendoma.

“Who are you talking to?” said a female voice behind Sendoma.

“Oh, no one, just the leader of the enemy,” said Sendoma after he noticed it was Alexandria.

“Really, well everyone’s waiting so come on,” said Alexandria in disbelief.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado
  





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387 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 27175
Reviews: 387
Tue Apr 24, 2007 9:44 pm
Kylan says...



Hey, 92. Remember me??? Even though you probably hate my guts, bear with my critiques...

So... Overall, much better than your last chapter. Your characters all have very distinguishable personalities, but I do have a few comments. (Here we go again :D )

At the beginning, don't just leave the librarians body lying there. Have a couple days pass with Rone in shock and have him burn the libraian's body before his friends find him. Or something. You mention the dead guy once. And then you move on.

Tell me about Rone's pain. How much does it hurt? Use some similes.

"....skinny girl with brown hair, brown eyes and khaki colored clothes."


I think you mean khaki instead of cacky...

"My younger sister was unmercilessly killed by them and I want to help anyone I can before those…those monsters get to them,.."


The word you're working for is unmercilessly. You make that same mistake later on.

"I agree,” said Rone after he wiped away the tears.
They went to Valeria without saying anything to each other. They were a few minutes from Valeria when Rone picked up a rock, threw it into the woods, and yelled, “Who’s there?”

“HEY WHAT WAS THAT FOR?” yelled a voice out in the woods."


Awkward. Describe a little more about the person in the bushes. Rustling. Twigs cracking. etc.

"You’re tough you almost beat every time".


Get rid of "you're tough". It just doesn't fit...

Ya know big and tall has a point there,” said Sendoma joking about Wyvern’s height and buff body."
Nice line. Good dialogue.

“Well the first thing it is in the center of the town so no matter where we are we don’t have to walk very long to get back to the base. Secondly with all the tables in there we can create fortifications. And thirdly I need to use the books to translate these scrolls I have.”


Umm... Who is this guy? Real people just don't string sentences together like that. Make it more casual. Less stiff and less military-general-ish.

Rone walked slowly, turning around, constantly scanning the area looking for traps or Ankishi. As Rone got deeper into the town, he slowly relaxed and went faster. After a while Rone reached the library. It was exactly the way he had left it with the two Ankishi’s bodies greeting him as he walked in. He went to the tables and started moving them to create a small fortress. As he was setting up the last table, Sisilia walked in.


Describe more about the journey to the town. I thought they were in a field behind a forest, nowhere near the town??? I want to know what the town looks like. I want to know about the death and destruction. Describe mangled bodies. Describe burning homes and slaughtered livestock. Make me hate the Ankishi.

“Why’d I volunteer to be last? I don’t even know the way to the library,” whispered Sendoma to himself.

“How’d you survive?” said a commanding voice several feet behind Sendoma.

As Sendoma turned around, he saw a guy in black clothing with eyes on fire.

“Hello my name is Sendoma. What is your name?” said Sendoma sarcastically.

“My name is Makajeh and I am the leader of the Ankishi, the army that destroyed this town. So how did you survive?” responded Makajeh impatiently.

“I was out of the city when it was attacked. How’d you destroy this city?”

“I had infiltrators come in and destroy the gate. Then my army of four thousand came in and killed everyone. Also we blew up the palace before the council and guards could get out.”

“How did an army of four thousand destroy a city of twenty thousand elite magic users?”

“We found a way to make ourselves immune to magic. However, we did have about twenty casualties. Now, I need to kill you.”


Extremely awkward. Why would an evil villain introduce himself to a kid or be worried about how he survived. He'd kill sendoma on the spot. Also, everyone knows that the Ankishi destroyed the town and therefore Sendoma wouldn't sit around shooting the bull with a mass murderer, wondering how a couple thousand guys killed even more "Valeriaians". My advice: skip all that dialogue and go right to the fight scene, which is very good, by the way. If you need to explain how the bad guys destroyed Valeria, explain it with a different character's p.o.v, preferably an evil one, at the very beginning of the chapter before everything else. Know what I mean??

“You’re tougher than I thought. I am being summoned so ssssI will spare your life this once, but next time the battle won’t even be half as long,” said Makajeh with slightly labored breathing.


I'm sorry... but Makajeh wouldn't just give up and run away. He's an extremely powerful, magic resistant warrior up against a skinny teenager...

“Wait, before you leave. Where’s the library?”


Yeah, right. After you finish duking it out with an ultra-evil warrior, you ask for directions to the nearest gas station :roll: . I'd be running away screaming.

Anyway that's what I have to say. Don't take any of what I just said personally. It's only critique. Again, much better than the last chapter.

Hope you get to critique my work sometime. And PM me if you have any rebuttles.

-Kylan
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado
  





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179 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 179
Wed Jul 18, 2007 2:48 pm
biancarayne says...



“Hello my name is Sendoma. What is your name?” said Sendoma sarcastically.

“My name is Makajeh and I am the leader of the Ankishi, the army that destroyed this town. So how did you survive?” responded Makajeh impatiently.

“I was out of the city when it was attacked. How’d you destroy this city?”

“I had infiltrators come in and destroy the gate. Then my army of four thousand came in and killed everyone. Also we blew up the palace before the council and guards could get out.”

“How did an army of four thousand destroy a city of twenty thousand elite magic users?”

“We found a way to make ourselves immune to magic. However, we did have about twenty casualties. Now, I need to kill you.”

That whole conversation is most definitely highly unrealistic and somewhat laughable, and I don't think humorous is the mood that you were going for exactly...

Again, the dialogue in this is a bit iffy, like in the first chapter, and sounds awkward and way too stiff in most places.

The characters reaction to some things seem unnatural too...their town just got destroyed, and they're kinda like, "Lalalalala."

Oh, and one more thing...I think maybe you could change up the sentence structure, ya know? It reads very stiff and jumpy the way it is now, like it doesn't do as good of a job as it could at drawing the reader in and putting them in the middle of the story like it should.

Otherwise, though, another good start just like the last one and it's definitely got a good plot idea, buuuuut I think this one could use some more editing too. :)
  








He began to wonder why he had felt uneasy at all. It was like a man wondering in broad daylight why a dream had appeared so terrible to him at night.
— Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart