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Young Writers Society


Boundries and Alleyways 2



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Wed May 09, 2007 12:08 am
Leja says...



Want to read from the beginning? The prologue can be found here: Prologue

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Major rewrite coming soon!
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Mrs. Mills was not a particularly frightening person. She was of an average height and had plain white hair. She wore no frivolities; she rarely raised her voice. Everyone in charge of the border was terrified of her. She was not particularly old by most standards, she had just turned sixty seven, in fact, but these were extraneous circumstances. She would even go so far to say that she was the oldest one left, and wanted to keep her status. And the administration did not like that one bit. To add insult to injury, she visited their jail once a week; just before she went home to make the big Friday night dinner for anyone that could, or dared, to come. Yes, these were dangerous times indeed, she thought, as she walked through the prison door.

“Name,” the officer at the desk asked.

“Mrs. Phyllas Mills,” she stated, looking him square in the eye, her expression stoic. The officer rolled his eyes and pushed a paper towards her.

“Sign.” Mrs. Mills signed her name in big flowing script that went way above the dotted line allotted. She smiled seemingly pleasantly at the officer.

“Have a good day,” she said. The guard remained silent as he went back to reading his magazine at the desk. Mrs. Mills opened the barred door and walked through.

Moments later, an officer from the gate walked through the front door. Smiling, the desk man stood up and held the barred door open for the coworker. “Have a good day, sir,” he said pleasantly, as the other man walked through. The man tipped his had and continued without a change in expression.

“Always a good day when you’re helping out delinquents like these,” he said.

“That it is, sir.”

Mrs. Mills rolled her eyes and continued on down the hallway. “Hey, old lady,” she said with a laugh, stopping at one cell and pulling a folding stool out of her bag to sit down.

“Hello, Phyllas,” the other woman greeted her pleasantly. “How are you today?”

“I’m doing just fine, Joyce,” she said. It was redundant to ask how her friend was feeling. One didn’t need to ask. Her hair was unwashed and tangled, her face dirty, and she looked as if she were wasting away, having not had a decent meal in months. When the guard had turned away, Mrs. Mills began slipping things one by one out of her bag, out her dress’s sleeves, out of her shoes, to her friend. A bottle of no-water-needed shampoo, a toothbrush and toothpaste, tablets to purify the water, a pack of gum, all of which Joyce secured in the waistband of her pants. The guard had turned around again, and Mrs. Mill took her book out of her bag. “What did you think of the last few chapters?” she asked Joyce, who began smiling.

“They were very entertaining,” she said just as quietly. “Tristan needs to stop being so tragic and weepy, but it's funny to hear him angst first.”

Mrs. Mills laughed and pulled out a second copy of the same book, this one taken from Joyce's house not three weeks ago. “Here, I’ll get you the next chapter.” She opened the book to the next chapter and began ripping pages out.

“Hey, what are you doing?” the guard yelled down the hall.

Mrs. Mills smiled and waved to him. “Who, me? Oh, just defiling government property. Nothing important. Go back to work, Arnold.” Joyce laughed silently, covering with a cough when the guard turned to her. When Mrs. Mills had finished, she handed the pages to her friend, who in turn handed her back the previous chapter, torn in the same fashion which Mrs. Mills replaced in the front of the book in order with the other torn out chapters. She then closed the cover and replaced it in her bag. After a few more pleasantries and assurances that everything outside was the same as it had been, Mrs. Mills stood, packed everything once more into her satchel, and left. Just as she passed through the gate from the city to the associated community, there was a big commotion.

There was a little girl, no more than thirteen or fourteen years old, struggling to get free as the officers struggled to restrain her. Her shirt was torn, no doubt from barbed wire, and her face, however sneering or stoic, was dirty, no doubt from being shoved in the mud. They walked her past Mrs. Mills, roughly kicking the dirt at her feet, and as Mrs. Mills looked after them, she saw a trail of blood from the girl’s hands making an almost perfect line where they had walked.

“Excuse me,” she demanded as she caught up to the group. “Excuse me,” she charged again when no one paid attention.

Lazily, the group turned around to face Mrs. Mills. The girl looked up briefly, and then focused her attention sternly on the wall just above Mrs. Mill’s shoulder, a sneer burned into her face. “What are you doing with this girl?” Mrs. Mills snapped, catching the girl’s attention momentarily.

“Relax, Millie, you’re not getting her out that easy,” one of the officers jeered. “This one’s going to be serving her time, unlike the last ignorant whelp you pulled from here.”

Mrs. Mills remained silent to the last comment. “Need I remind you that this badge gives me full privileges within this building due to article five, section three, clause fifteen, corollary two, and that I have every right to challenge any prisoner who is brought in here?”

“And need I remind you that I have just as many, if not more, privileges than you?”

“Not while I still outrank you,” the guard, Arnold, said.

“Oh, don’t cross me,” Mrs. Mills said. “Don’t you dare try and cross me. We wouldn’t want a repeat of the last time you tried, now do we? Now boys, let’s just settle this little disagreement right here. How much bail are you posting?”

“Twenty thousand.” Mrs. Mills had to struggle to keep her jaw from dropping. “Like anything; that’s nearly as high as Joyce’s!”

“Like I said, you’re not bailing this one out. Your friend over there has a background. This one has a background waiting for her unless we do something about it. We’re going to teach little Miss Mary Sue here a lesson. No one tries to get out and gets away with it. Especially after disfiguring our lead commander. Now enough of your damned rules. Move aside, Millie.”

The girl smirked and looked at the floor, trying not to chuckle at the memory. “What are you laughing at?” the guard asked, kicking her in the back of the knees. Apparantly she hadn't covered well enough. Bao hovered at the edges of Mrs. Mills’s vision, looking around the wall.

“Well,” Mrs. Mills continued, “I believe you are wrong. First of all, she’s a minor. And will be for quite some time, unless I’m mistaken.” The girl lifted her head to glare at Mrs. Mills, who glared right back. “And second of all, I believe that I am given the explicit power—”

Bao pushed an opened sandbag off the top of the wall just behind the guards, making them jump and blinding them with dust. In the cloud, Connie looked up to see Bao mouthing “Run!” to her before disappearing behind the wall himself.

And run she did, across the bridge and into the forest. Smiling to herself, Amelia Mills buttoned up her sweater, it was the late fall after all when the evenings seemed subject to the occasional chill, and leisurely strolled across the river, taking in the scenery as she went. Behind her, she could hear Bao’s footsteps, sneaking along, searching for the girl they had freed.

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Author's Notes
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I think some things are a little shaky; let me know if there's anything particularly eye-rolling. I feel like I write in cliches with corny expressions and dialogue.

Should I break these chapters into shorter parts? I know fiction can be daunting to read online sometimes. For reference, this chapter was 1,300 words even, the first chapter was about 1800, and the prologue was about 750. So a BIG thanks to everyone and everyone who made it through my story to the point where they're reading my note.

Amelia
Last edited by Leja on Tue May 29, 2007 8:23 pm, edited 4 times in total.
  





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Wed May 09, 2007 10:41 am
Mad says...



Hey Amelia, it's looking good at the moment. I like the Ms Mills character that you've brought in, don't know why really - she has personality.

She wore no frivolities; she rarely raised her voice.


Frivolities doesn't sound quite right, I don't think that it really works in the context but then I'm not absolutely sure how "frivolities" can be used.

When you're describing how Ms Mills hears rolls her eyes at what the guards say, I don't quite get a feel for how things are arranged. To me it sounded more like Ms Mills had gone through the door and after she had gone the guard came by and they had the exchange that they did.

Just as she passed through the gate from the city to the associated community, there was a big commotion.


Associated community, I don't really get much feeling from that description it's a bit awkward. The final part about a big commotion doesn't quite get across the situation, maybe cut out the big. It trivalises it, a bit. Well, so I feel.

Overall I enjoyed it, I was a bit lost with the characters for a bit - it's been a while since the first part but I went back and re read it. The style is good, I'm just a bit concerned with the attitude of the guards. The atmosphere isn't as charged as I'd expect it to be, if she had just disfigured their commander. Maybe you could also emphasizes the respect/authority that Ms Mills seniority brings. The way she acts towards the guards seems a bit risque, I suppose, given the image I had of them from before. Then, the description of Ms Mills makes me think that she doesn't care what anyone thinks anyway.

One last thing

Behind her, she could hear Bao’s footsteps, sneaking along, searching for the girl they had freed.


I don't think you should say they, it makes Ms Mills seem a bit egotistical due to her very small part in the rescue - maybe have a bit more description surrounding Bao's appearance, or will you do that later on?

As for it being too long, I don't think so. If you decided to cut it into chunks it would just be harder to get a feel for the plot - I like it the way it is.

Nice to see the next chapter out and I'm looking forward to more.

EDITS - just some spelling stuff
Last edited by Mad on Thu May 10, 2007 10:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Thu May 10, 2007 4:56 am
sworddance says...



"Made it through"?
Girl, I enjoyed my way through it.
But let's see.... I agree with Mad about the 'frivolities' and the 'commotion' part. When you say there was a commotion, you need to show us, give us immediate action indicative of a commotion, or the statement gets lost and we forget that it's a "commotion".
I like how you developed the history behind the characters, with Mrs. Mills' relation to the guards, and I disagree with Mad's comment about using 'they' at the end, because I think it accomplished your purpose of showing us that these two have worked together in the past and are doing so again.
Anyway, besides echoing, here's what I see.
You have issues separating who is speaking when, which made it hard to follow at points. It isn't a punctuation issue or anything, it's the transitions between speech and action. Um... the words are not coming to explain this one, so I'll show you examples.

"“Sign.” Mrs. Mills signed her name in big flowing script that went way above the dotted line allotted."

The speech is by the officer, but you have Mrs. Mills' action right after, the way you would add a tag to dialogue, which makes it look like it's Mrs. Mills who is speaking.

Also:

"“Twenty thousand.” Mrs. Mills had to struggle to keep her jaw from dropping. “Like anything; that’s nearly as high as Joyce’s!”"

This one was the hardest. There has to be a new paragraph between "...thousand." and "Mrs. Mills..."

Otherwise, the way it reads, Mrs. Mills is saying the 'thousand' quote and the 'like anything' quote.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I didn't think that was your intent. ;)

Oh, one more thing.

"Smiling to herself, Amelia Mills buttoned up her sweater, it was the late fall after all when the evenings seemed subject to the occasional chill, and leisurely strolled across the river, taking in the scenery as she went."

um. Issues here- punctuation. It's kind of a run-on. I suggest this:

"Smiling to herself, Amelia Mills buttoned up her sweater- it was late fall, after all, when the evenings seemed subject to the occasional chill- and leisurely strolled across the river, taking in the scenery as she went."

Btw, I like that sentence. Good humor.

Anyway, good work. I'm liking this one; I saw it on the home page and chased down the other segments of it, and I'll be looking for the next when you post it.
....*twiddles thumbs impatiently while waiting*....

~sworddance
Drummer, beat, and dancer, fly
The floods of war are crashing nigh
Raise the mountain, blade the fire
And woe to they who voked your ire…
-----People do speak in semicolons; they just don't know it.------
  








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