Young Writers Society

Prologue

Hunter Garrett. Even now, four years after his death, my body shudders at the thought of him. I don’t do so in fear, however, like most people. I’m not afraid of him.

I pity him.

Hunter Garrett was sentenced to death by hanging for the murder of nine innocent people. The only evidence of his murdering these civilians was the word of the witnesses. No one bothered to find out whether these witnesses were correct. No one cared.

They all wanted Hunter Garrett dead.

I think these witnesses were fools. I think they were willing to say anything to collect part of the reward, to earn the respect of their friends and foes, to be viewed as a hero.

I say that this man was more than just a murderer, and that he didn't deserve to die.

I say that Hunter Garrett was a good man.

And I say that I can prove it.

This has interesting potential.

Once again, this boils down to a simple show-not-tell type of critique. You're simply going on and telling us things that happened. It's the reason why your prologue is so short, because once you say it, there is no time exerting descriptions, body language, events, whatever. There are things that can be expanded upon. How does the character find his/her own witnesses? How do you know we can trust them? Why does everyone want to be a hero? There are many loose ends that you can tie up if you read your work—which in turn can make your own successful prologue.

use the atmosphere to convey a mood; maybe it would be a night beheading by torchlight, or it could be a foggy morning. It would be a good method to set up the environment.

It may be a little extraneous to do this, but you could write the day of the Hunter's execution. The bloodthirst of the masses could be expressed in their desire to want to kill him, or a chanting. Meanwhile, Hunter could shout about how those witnesses are untrustworthy, trying to spread the truth. You can find out a lot about a person when they're about to die (though that applies to mostly everything).

Maybe your character can be trembley and shaken if s/he was there (though they might have chosen not to go). Or maybe the character at first thinks Hunter is guilty, but upon a four-year long reflection, believes he is not the murderer. You can show phases of the person's life--the changes s/he has adapted to in those historic four years. I threw around a bunch of ideas if you want to see the scene completed. Do what you like, ignore or listen to this. But keep up the writing. Please.

Also, you should name this story: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney.

Thanks for the review!

I was kind of going for that whole unknown idea in the prologue. Basically the rest will be different character's reflection on what happened (like the family of those he murdered, Hunter himself, the executor, etc.) So they are going to explain what happened.

I will add more detail about where the person is, though. The person telling the prologue is not a main character, although one of his relatives might be. He just heard the story, and is the one who figured out what really happened.

I have no idea where that title came from...lol

My idea's a little strange at this point, but it will hopefully make more sense soon.

I'll post the edited version when I get a chance.

YOu are a a cruel authour for using the hook techneique and not having chapter two ready, I mean i could seu you for making me have a mental break down . Joking. That was the most catching prolouge i have ever read, in my intire life. I love it. It has just the right amount of details and myterious. Please pm me when you have more.

I liked this, it certainly was short and sweet

"I think these witnesses were dimwits. I think they were willing to say anything to collect part of the reward, to earn the respect of their friends and foes, to be viewed as a hero."

Here it sounds a little off to start both sentences with "I think", it might work better if you rearrange the first sentence to be a statement that is enforced by the protagonists opinions... presented in the second sentece. I do not think that saying "these witnesses" is gramatically wrong, but it does sound a little funny, I would stick to just "the witnesses".

That's it for structure so now I'll try to help with the over all critic, and the lenghtening.


For starters, you do tell a lot, but I think that it is all right so long as it is a consious decision to do so in the prologue. If you were intending for it to sound a little detatched, it worked well. Since you are planning on using some other character as the protagonist it will also be helpfull in establishing the switch in narration if one is so brief and to the point and then the next chapter is so obviously a different style. Just make sure to show more for the rest of the piece and it shouldn't be a problem

The Box's ideas for lengthening the prologue were, IMO, really great ones. I don't have much too add to that, but again I wouldn't worry too much about the length, prologues don't necessairily have to be too long and if you push too hard for length i might take away from the flow of the story.

Great use of a cliff hanger ending, I am intrigued.
If you could PM me when you post the next part that would be great!
-Gen

Heya- Jen, right? ...I think that's what it said in your welcome. Feel free to smack me upside the head if I remembered wrong. Anyway, I was just browsing when I happened to open your post, and it caught my attention. Even so, I was about to forcibly remove myself from the thread, thinking "no- don't post- don't do it- you're just browsing right now- come back later- don't do it-" but then I read the part where you said "please review if you read this" and promptly tripped over guilt and thought "screw that. I'm posting." *kicks browsing out the window*


Soooo yes... sworddance comb-through!


"Hunter Garrett. Even now, four years after his death, my body trembles at the thought of him. I don't fear him, though, like most people. I pity him."
--> brilliant first lines. Love those first two. The third one, though- it seems to be a bit of a jump, flow-wise. I think I missed it on first read-through, had to blink and look at it again. I think maybe you can connect that to the action of his trembling- say something like:
"It isn't with fear, though, like most people. I don't fear him.

I pity him."

--> yes, that new paragraph was intentional. hehe it was needed in that example's format.


"be-heading"
--> beheading is one word, no hyphen. Ignore your spellcheck if it tells you otherwise. The spellcheck doesn't even recognize the word "spellcheck" for gods' sake.
--> this stood out to me as a little bizarre. A beheading? That puts in mind the days of the French guillotining, or medieval/renaissance era, and everything else in here completely contradicts that- the very name Hunter Garrett, for one, and the whole witness-judge-proving thing. To me, it sounds a lot more like it should be a hanging to be authentic to the sort of time period I'm getting. Maybe it's just me? But beheading still just stuck out...


"other than the word of the witnesses."
--> a bit weak. I vote "none but the word of..." etc.


"No one bothered to find out whether these witnesses were correct. "
--> I vote new paragraph.


"I think these witnesses were dimwits."
--> 'dimwits' doesn't ring authentic either, not with the rest of this narrator's language. It's too juvenile and modern-sounding. I suggest 'fools' or 'idiots' or something.
--> I feel obliged to contradict an earlier reviewer *bad sworddance, bad!* and tell you that I'd actually keep the 'these witnesses' thing, because it's effective repetition. The only thing that prevents it from being so is the fact that what it was repeating is behind two other sentences, and so it comes off a little funny when otherwise it would be perfect.


"I think they were willing to say anything"
--> again to contradict, the 'I think' was an example of some lovely repetition, very nice. Buuuuut... it needs a new paragraph to stand out as such and erase the potential 'annoying' repetition feel instead of 'effective'. 'Tis a fine line between the two, but new paragraph should fix it.


"dimwits"
--> again


"And I say that I can prove it."
--> WOOT! forgive my enthusiastic non-literary lapse, but it was the first thing that came to mind for that. I love how you end it with those last three lines. Beautiful.


Soooo as to a more overall critique... I feel I must once again contradict, and say I disagree with Box about lengthening it and putting in action. It isn't that kind of style, and it's far more effective and impressive the way it is. I'm really looking forward to reading the views of the other characters. The exploration of different personalities in that manner will be fascinating

One thing I would say, though, is that with a prologue this brief, the next one will need to be a lot longer and give us a lot more information. If it weren't for the fact that you told us you were going to do all reflections, I would expect to see a chunk of more traditional narration- something in third person, probably, telling maybe about his meeting with one of his witnesses, or a courtroom scene, or something.
You get what I mean? It's the expectancy that it will pick up and we will learn more about the situation. Not all of our questions will be answered, but we will be told something more about it that will make us really really intrigued about what is to happen next.


Anyway, over all, this itself was beautiful. But for the sake of your own prologue, bloody post the next one for us! >.<

Oh, and the title... I can't give you an idea yet, but one or two more posts and maybe I can! =P

So get to it. And please please please PM me when you get the next one up, else I'll probably miss it b/c I'm keeping track of a bunch of others too. Unless you post it on this same thread, I won't get an alert and I'll probably lose it

...plus I'd swear I'm ADD and I tend to go off chasing some figurative shiny object when I'm supposed to be doing something else... this post being case in point.

hehe yeah, so... later

Overall, I thought it was okay. The sentences are simple, and so they don't really capture my interest at first. Someone else mentioned the show-don't-tell rule, and it's difficult to work that in here. I see what you're trying to do, and by the end of the prologue, you've set up a pretty nice story for yourself. The beginning reads like a news article, I suppose. Still, part of me wants to be shown what's happening, even though I think that might ruin the effect.

I dislike the word "dimwits" and I feel it clashes with the overall tone. The repetition makes me dislike the word further.

Still, the ending interests me, and I think I'd like to read a bit of the story. Maybe if I get an idea of where you're going with it and the overall tone of the story, I can figure out how to fix up this prologue.

I liked it a lot. I like how you left those ends loose yet just tight enough for me to want to read more and get the answers. You got a good thing going here.

I even thing dimwit is appropriate. It helps us get to know the narrator. At least the narrator doesn't swear.

You ended it wonderfully! I would like to read some more! keep it up, don't give up!

I didn't mean to put dimwits twice. I didn't realize that i did.

I'm going to post a revised version in about a half-hour, after dinner, but I won't be able to get the first chapter up for a while.

Thanks for the nice reviews, guys! All my other stories get harsh ones, which I really need, but it is nice to read one like these every once in a while.

Well, off to eat dinner!

~JFW1415

Alright, I just posted the revised one. Please review, ad read my note after the prologue.
~JFW1415

Hi I'm back for the edited version! ^.^
I see you got rid of the beheading; that's good, first of all. Less confusion for sworddance... rofl

Anyway, the first thing that jumped out at me when I read it was this:

"I tremble in fear, however, like most people."
--> you seem to have left out a word or phrase, because this sentence reads the opposite of what you wanted


besides that one thing, there was...

"The only evidence of his murdering these civilians was the word of the witnesses."
--> did you shorten this? I'd thought it was longer. If it was, I'd say lengthen it again. *scratches head* maybe I'm remembering wrong, but I thought it was, and I think I liked it better then.

"Who’s to say they weren’t just willing to say anything to collect part of the reward, to earn the respect of their friends and foes, to be viewed as a hero?"
--> this is a revised way to get rid of the 'I think', is it not? I know you'll probably want to shoot me for this, but having it as a question weakens the voice. Your narrator sets himself up as being "right", unequivocally, unarguably- so the question weakened his voice. And that particular question as an argument is weak, because you can say that all you want, but that doesn't make it even remotely true. In answer to a question like that, I'd ask "where the heck did you pull that bi'sheka from? Who's to say they were?"
But making it a statement was stronger, because it isn't speculation anymore.
Soooo even though you'll probably wish to shoot me, I'd vote for putting back the 'I think' repetition which you cut and making it a new paragraph.


hehe but yeah, other than that, nicely done with the editing. It's still great, and I'm definitely looking forward to reading more on this. Like I said before, I'm excited to find out how you do the other points of view

oh, and I think the paragraphs are great, in answer to your note. Good job on them; they're beautifully done.


So now that you've gotten more review on this, will you post the next one for us? Or are you looking for more 'reviewers'? Because then I have to wait... grrr......


*sigh* hehe later


~sworddance

Sorry, sworddance. I have to go to school. I'll work on it there, and hopfully type it up once I get here. Although, if I have other reviewers, it might make me more inclined to type it...

And about that paragraph, I just didn't know if I should make another one. I think you're right, though, I will change it back to 'I think.' I'm going to have so many paragraphs!

And the whole beheading thing was just...weird. I have no idea why I put it. (Yes, I do read over my work, but I never catch anything. ) I happened to watch the beginning of the hanging for Sadame Husane (Or however you spell his name,) on YouTube, and it freaked me out. I think I could write about a hanging...we'll see.

If anyone has any ideas of a title or who's viewpoint I should start this in, (i.e. witness, victim, Hunter Garrett,) please let me know. I have a rough idea, but, for once, I didn't fully plan the story before I posted it.

Just a few more hours, sworddance, and it should be up.

~JFW1415

I updated!