Young Writers Society

The prologue is here: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?t=17103

Hunter Garrett

The warm rays from the sun radiated onto my face as I leaned against the oak tree, the rough bark rubbing against my back. My eyes were closed, blocking out the glare from the noonday sun, leaving me to rely on my ears to make sure that my daughter was safe. A motor roared to life on the other side of the field, and I breathed in the sweet odor of freshly mowed grass. I sensed someone walk up next to me, stirring the still air. I opened my eyes slightly, looking up to see Cammie sink down beside me.

“Hey, you,” my wife whispered, scooting closer so she could rest her head on my chest. My arm wrapped around her shoulders instinctively, and she sighed in content.

“Hey yourself.” I closed my eyes once more, letting my chin rest on top of her golden curls. I heard the sound of laughter coming from the monkey bars a little ways off, and I smiled to myself, knowing that my daughter, Amanda, was the one making the noise.

“Mommy! Daddy! Look over here!” Amanda’s angelic voice called out. Cammie and I looked up at our child. Amanda’s tiny hand closed around the last bar, then she jumped down from the monkey bars, a triumphant smile brightening up her face.

Amanda skipped over, her two brown braids flying behind her. She plopped down in front of us, an expectant look on her face. “Did you see?” she prompted.

I nodded as my wife replied, “You did great, sweetie.” Amanda beamed at us, revealing a gaping hole where her front tooth should be.

“I’m going on the slide now, okay?” She jumped up, and shifted her weight from one foot to another. She glanced at the slide longingly. I knew she wouldn’t leave without my permission, though. I wouldn’t let her go on it at all if she didn’t wait for me to say it was okay.

“All right, honey. Just be careful,” I replied.

“Okay!” Amanda took off to join her friends at the slide, and Cammie let out a small chuckle.

“What?” I demanded.

“You’re so over-protective,” she replied, playfully punching my shoulder.

“It’s just because I care,” I said. She rolled her eyes, but I ignored her.

My eyes fluttered shut once more, and I let my mind wander.

“Aw, what a cute dog!” Cammie said, waking me from my thoughts. I sighed, realizing that I wouldn’t be getting any rest, and opened my eyes. A golden retriever came bounding into the park, a leash dragging behind it. Its black nose rose to the sky, sniffing out food. Settling on the largest picnic blanket, it trotted right over.

“Doggie!” a toddler called out, stumbling as he attempted to run over to the dog. The golden retriever paid him no attention, instead running straight onto the large plaid blanket.

“No! Get away, you filthy mutt!” a woman shrieked as the dog covered all her food with his muddy paws. All eyes in the park were on the ruckus the dog was causing. Cammie let out a soft chuckle, then turned her head to check on Amanda.

Cammie’s eyes grew twice as large, and I turned my gaze to see what had caused her to grow so stiff. She let out a scream, and my body grew numb.

I only had a few seconds to cover a lot of ground, so I forced my body to get up. I took off running, oblivious to the fact that all eyes were now on the slide.

Mothers called out to their children that it would be all right. For their kids, it would be. The gun wasn’t pointing at them. It was pointed at Amanda.

“Stop!” I yelled, my rage obvious. The young man glanced over at me, his finger tensing on the trigger. I drew to a dead stop, not noticing when my wife ran into me. “Please…” I added, this time in barely more than a whisper, my voice quivering slightly.

He glanced at me, a desperate look in his eyes. ‘I’m sorry,’ he mouthed, and I shut my eyes, knowing I couldn’t prevent what was about to happen. There was a loud bang, and I felt as if I had been shot myself, right in the heart. The man dropped the gun, the sun glinting off of its silver exterior as it hit the soft grass. His footsteps sounded miles away to me as he made a run for it. A shrill whistle escaped his mouth, and the dog bounded out after the man, his mission of distracting the park complete. I sunk down to my knees, unable to move. My mind wouldn’t process the information. It couldn’t be true. Amanda was only six years old! Cammie’s shudder during her silent crying woke me from my trance.

I continued towards the slide, the twenty yards feeling more like twenty miles. My eyes were locked on my daughter’s stiff body lying on the sand in front of the slide. Judging by the amount of blood seeping through Amanda’s shirt, I knew it wasn’t likely, but one thought stuck in my mind, ‘Let her live.’

This really isn't as bad as you seem to think that it is, don't be so hard on yourself

"I shut my eyes out the block out the glare, replying on my ears to make sure my daughter was still safe."
Did you mean?: "I shut my eyes to block out the glare, relying on my ears..."

"so she could rest her head on my chest. My arm wrapped around her shoulders instinctively, and she rested her head against my chest. "
Saying that she scooted over in order to rest her head on his chest tells us that she did so, if you don't want to be so vague as to just leave the second sentence out you could say something like: "My arm wrapped around her shoulders instinctively, and she settled down with a sigh."
Just try not to be repetitive because often it will draw attention to the actuall words you have written when you want the reader to be captivated by the characters.


"Being our only child, Cammie and I probably spoil our daughter much more than we should. Luckily, she’s still just a sweet little girl."
TENSE: here you write in the present tense, the rest of the chapter is written in past tense. Also reading it through, it sounds almost as if Cammie is the daughter. I would change it so that it says:"Amanda being our only child..."

The tense in the rest of the paragraph is fine.

I feel like you did really well in introducing us to the characters, I wouldn't advise putting in too much more since it is only the first chapter and you want some room left for the reader to really grow to know them better over several chapters.
I would even say that you could tone down how devoted he is to his daughter. "to make sure my daughter was still safe." " my pride and joy making the beautiful sound; Amanda." "a sweet little girl" "deep brown, puppy-dog eyes of hers"
It gets a little bit repetitive to only ever hear the guy talk about how much he loves he daughter and how fantasic he thinks she is. Again, you want there to be some devotion left to present as the story grows. Ok, as I am writing this I am also realising that part of the reason this stands out to me is that it is him telling us that he loves her, and why, just the fact that he jumps up and runs to save her SHOWS us how much he must love her.
I can't tell if that is going to help or confuse you, so if it isn't clear feel free to PM me.

As to the length I wouldn't cut it off here, it is a great cliff hanger ending but the reason that it is so short is that nothing really happens. We get description, we get to know the characters but there is no action until Amanda screams and her parents run to her. Keep going, tell us why she is screaming, what is going on. This seems almost more like a preview of the chapter than the chapter itself. If you want to keep th esuspense of the way you ended it here then I would say that inserting a break would be effective.

-Gen

replying on my ears to make sure my daughter was still safe.

At first that part confused me, but I think you meant relying...

Being our only child, Cammie

Does kind of sound like Cammie's the child the way this is written.

Otherwise I can't really think of anything to say that scrambled_pages didn't point out. Overall, this was definitely pretty good and I can't wait to see how much better it'll get with rewrites!

Gesides what the others poited out, I see nothing wrong. However, keep a girl in susspense here, why doint ya. If you do not post the chapter soon you will be spammed with pm saying post over and over and over. (joking) honesly though, if people could die from suspence this website would like be lawyer hevan. DO not end in cliffhangers. This story, no doubt, will keep me up thinking pf all the darn possiblilitys that could happen to admanda! On the other hand, i like it , i love it, i want some more of it!

I'm getting into this story, really! I like how you ended in that cliffhanger. I do that all the time, keeps people wanting more! lol.

Cammie and I instinctively looked up at our child. Cammie’s scream pierced the calm sky, and the world seemed to stop

Try changing the second "Cammie" to her or do something. It's a little repetitive and annoying.

That's pretty much my only original suggestion, lol. The other two made some good suggestions as well. Let me know when more comes!

I'm getting into this story, really! I like how you ended in that cliffhanger. I do that all the time, keeps people wanting more! lol.

Cammie and I instinctively looked up at our child. Cammie’s scream pierced the calm sky, and the world seemed to stop

Try changing the second "Cammie" to her or do something. It's a little repetitive and annoying.

That's pretty much my only original suggestion, lol. The other two made some good suggestions as well. Let me know when more comes!

Heya Jen Thanks for the pm. Soon as I got it I scooted over here for this haha

So, let's see. I'll do a comb-through, then I'll see if I can address your questions more specifically.


"The warm rays from the afternoon sun radiated off my face"
--> 'radiated off' means they were coming from it, like heat radiates off a heater... maybe use 'down onto' instead of 'off'?


"I shut my eyes out the block out the glare,"
--> 'to block out', as someone already said
--> I think you're going for a more passive, lazy attitude, a sort of overall drowsiness to the setting, so perhaps fit this to it. You don't want an active action of shutting, then, you want more like... "My eyes were hooded lazily against the glare of the noonday sun, leaving my ears to stay alert for any mishaps with my little daughter." ...maybe?


"shaggy brown hair"
--> I don't like 'shaggy' for this, because it puts in mind a dog... maybe 'unruly?' 'Shaggy' also seems like an odd way for a person to describe his own hair.


"The wind blew softly, ruffling up my shaggy brown hair. The leaves swayed in the branches above me, and the sweet smell of freshly mowed grass entered my nose. I heard someone sit down next to me, and opened an eye to see who it was."
--> those first two sentences are too similar in structure. You need more variety, in order to sweep us into the relaxed environment you're trying to create.
--> the creation of that environment is strained- mostly because the softly blowing wind and the swaying leaves is an overused image, but also because the first two are all relaxation and passive, then the third is suddenly... not. It jars a bit.


"“Hey, you,” my wife whispered, scooting closer so she could rest her head on my chest. My arm wrapped around her shoulders instinctively, and she rested her head against my chest."
--> someone else already brought up the problem with this repetition, and I rather liked their suggestion as to what you could make the second sentence.


"I shut my eyes once more"
--> 'closed' would be better than shut
--> 'eye', no plural, because you said he only opened one. In which case, you may also want to say "I closed the eye" instead of 'my'.


"A little ways off, I could hear the sound of laughter, and smiled, knowing that it was my pride and joy making the beautiful sound; Amanda."
--> two things- someone already mentioned toning down the devotion. If you overuse it, it may get cheesy, and he isn't really relatable.
--> also, that semi-colon needs to become a dash or something, because that semi-colon shouldn't be there and the only thing I can think of without changing the structure of the sentence is a dash.


"Being our only child, Cammie and I probably spoil our daughter much more than we should."
--> disagreeing with your previous reviewers, it doesn't sound like Cammie is the only daughter, it sounds like 'Cammie and I' are the only daughter... which makes no sense hehe =P
--> soooooo perhaps "Since she is our only daughter, Cammie and I probably spoil her much more than we should."


"Luckily, she’s still just a sweet little girl. Cammie constantly reminds me that if we continue spoiling Amanda, she will develop a big head, but I can’t bring myself to stop. How could I ever say no to those deep brown, puppy-dog eyes of hers?"
--> again. The doting father bit now sounds contrived, and if it doesn't come across as contrived, it will come across as gag-worthy, and/or just comical.


"Amanda’s angelic voice shook me from my thoughts."
--> this is not a speech tag. 'shook me from my thoughts' would be a very very bad substitute for 'said'. As such, if you like that phrase, it should be a new paragraph, an action separated from the dialogue.


"Cammie’s scream pierced the calm sky, and the world seemed to stop."
--> you tell us this, but you don't show us- here, it's a definite problem. He's the narrator. If the world stops for him, it stops for us, because he's all the "world" we see.


"My wife’s movements seemed to awaken me"
--> seemed to? Nah. They did. His wife's movements awoke him. No seem.


"heals"
-->heels


"Cammie’s scream pierced the calm sky, and the world seemed to stop.

“Amanda! Stop it right now!” Cammie yelled out, jumping up from her spot beside me and sprinting towards our only child. My wife’s movements seemed to awaken me from my trance, and I was on her heals in a matter of seconds. The trees and benches of the park sped past as our feet pounded on the sidewalk, and the only thought running through my mind was, ‘get to Amanda.’"
--> you want lengthening? Lengthen this. It's too much tell, not enough show, overall. 'Get to Amanda' means little as is- show us his panic, his wife's fears, her shriek, their horror... etc.


Ok, so. More in general, there are parts you need to expand. Moments that are long and leisurely should be written in a long and leisurely manner, and when the world slows to a stop on one frozen frame, that frozen frame should read long and frozen to us. Maybe think of it as though the longer you spend telling us what happened, the longer the action becomes- if you'll notice, it works the same way when things happen very quickly.

anyway, this is great- now I want to know how what she's doing is connected to Hunter Garret. very exciting, and I'd like to see more of it.


Oh- as to your questions:

1. the tense in the fifth paragraph is consistently present tense, whereas in the rest of the work it's past tense. I don't know if that's what you were going for or not, but imho it kinda works here, since it's like he's talking to us. But... he is also talking to us for the rest of it, so I'm not entirely certain if I'd keep it or change it. Sorry I can't be much help there

2. well, this is just the beginning, when we've just been introduced to them. I think we've been told enough about them for now, since there is still plenty of time for us to learn more about them.

3. depends on whose view you switch to. You said it would be Amanda's- I think that will be just fine. If you extend the things in this one as I explained earlier, it should give us everything you need to be able to make a switch easily.

4. ....oh, I already did this



haha so yeah, great job, Jen looking forward to more, as before. later!


~sworddance

Alright, I added the revised version. All edits after this are to that. (Also, this post is more for myself, so I don't get confuzed, which happens often. )

Okay, it's my turn, as promised.

JFW1415 wrote:The warm rays from the sun radiated onto my face as I leaned against the oak tree, the rough bark rubbing against my back. My eyes were closed, blocking the glare from the noonday sun, leaving me to rely on my ears to make sure my daughter was safe. A motor roared to life on the other side of the field, and I breathed in the sweet odor of freshly mowed grass. I sensed someone walk up next to me, stirring the still air. I opened my eyes slightly, looking up to see Cammie sink down beside me.

I can't remember, but it seems you expanded this part a bit. You include just about every sense, which is cool. The part "I sensed someone walk up next to me" seems awkwardly phrased, although I know what you mean... I'm afraid I can't think of how to change that right now, if at all.

“Mommy! Daddy! Look over here!” Amanda’s angelic voice called out. Cammie and I looked up at our child. Amanda’s tiny hand grasped the last bar, and she jumped down from the monkey bars, a triumphant smile brightening up her face.

Amanda skipped over, her two brown braids flying behind her. She plopped down in front of us, an expectant look on her face. “Did you see?” she prompted.

I nodded as my wife replied, “You did great, sweetie.” Amanda beamed at us, revealing a gaping hole where her front tooth should be.

Hah, I loved this part. Very cute. It makes us care for Amanda, which is perfect.

“I’m going on the slide now, okay?” She jumped up, waiting for my reply.

“Alright, honey. Just be careful,” I replied.

Two things about this part: children generally don't wait for a reply for something like that, in my experience. Also, you use a version of "reply" twice here. I'd change it to something like,

"I'm going on the slide now, okay?" She jumped up and began to run back toward the playground.

"All right, honey. Just be careful," I called out after her.

Oh, that's another thing -- it's never "Alright," it's always "All right." Two words. Took me years to break that habit.

“Aw, what a cute dog!” Cammie said, waking me from my thoughts. I sighed, realizing that I wouldn’t be getting any rest, and opened my eyes. A golden retriever came bounding into the park, a leash dragging behind it. It’s black nose raised to the sky, and it sniffed out food. Settling on the largest party, it trotted right over.

Hah, Cammie sounds like my mom -- always focusing on the animals. "It's" should be "Its" in the second to last sentence. I don't quite understand the last sentence -- maybe if you rephrased it as, "Settling on a large picnic blanket, it trotted right over."

Cammie’s eyes grew twice as large, and I adverted my gaze to see what had caused her to grow so stiff. She let out a scream, and I froze.

I'm not sure "adverted" is the word you want to use here... Shifted, perhaps?

Knowing I’d only have a few seconds to cover a long distance, I forced my body to move, and got up from the ground. I began to run, oblivious to the fact that all eyes were now on the slide. Mothers called out to their children that it would be all right. But for Amanda, it wouldn’t be all right. The gun was pointed right at her.

This paragraph is large and clunky. Normally, for action scenes, you want to use short sentences to convey the rush. You give a lot of detail about him getting up and starting to run and all that, which makes it unnecessarily slow. Also, the second to last sentence doesn't sit well with me. Maybe you can change the last two sentences into something like, "But the gun wasn't pointed at them. It was pointed at Amanda."

“Stop!” I bellowed, my rage obvious. The young man glanced over at me, his finger tensing on the trigger. I drew to a dead stop, not noticing when my wife ran into me. “Please…” I added, this time in barely more than a whisper.

I love most of this paragraph, but I dislike the first sentence. "Bellowed" is such a clunky word, bringing up imagery of huge, buff guys in blacksmith shops (from where the word originates, I believe). That's not the idea I have of the main character. "Shouted" is a far simpler word, but I think it would be more effective here. Also, I suppose there would be rage, yes, but I would think panic would be the primary feeling... Play around with it.

He looked at me, a desperate look in his eyes.

(I'm taking this paragraph a little at a time, because there's so much to it!)

Repetition of "look" and various forms.

‘I’m sorry,’ he mouthed, and I shut my eyes, knowing I couldn’t prevent what was about to happen. There was a loud bang, and I felt as if I had been shot myself, right in the heart.

I like this.

The man dropped the gun, the sun glinting off of it’s silver exterior as it hit the soft grass.

"Its," not "it's." With the apostrophe, it's a contraction, meaning "it is silver exterior..." etc. Without, it's possessive. I know, backwards from most other words, right? Learn it well.

His footsteps echoed in my head as he made a run for it. A shrill whistle escaped his mouth, and the dog bounded out after the man, his job done.

I'm not sure I like the "echoing in the head" part. Also, whose job was done, the dog's or the man's? Right now it sounds like the dog's job was done, since it's the subject of that section.

Cammie’s sudden intake of breath during her silent crying woke me from my trance.

I'm not sure I understand this part. Why the sudden intake of breath? Are you just describing how people normally cry, like when a sob escapes them, or (this is what is suggested by the word choice) is it due to something, like a gasp? I was expecting to hear that Amanda was moving or something, but instead, I got what I had expected when she was shot.

I continued towards the slide, the twenty yards feeling more like twenty miles. My eyes were locked on my daughter’s stiff body lying on the sand in front of the slide. Judging by the amount of blood seeping through Amanda’s shirt, I knew it wasn’t likely, but one thought stuck in my mind, ‘Let her live.’

I really, really like this ending. The chapter is powerful enough as it is, but the chance that she might live? Very cool.

Overall, I really, really like this chapter. I think it's a definite improvement. Also, I'm curious about the killer. It feels like you've made him mysterious on purpose, so naturally I want to know more about him. Thinking back to the prologue, I have to wonder: is this Hunter Garrett? After all, the narrator of the prologue (not that it's necessarily the same narrator of the first chapter) pitied Hunter, and I got the sense that the killer in the first chapter had some purpose, like he didn't really want to do it but he had no other choice. If I'm right, then I really love how you've shaped the characters and the situation to connect them. Very cool.

I can't wait to see where this goes next! Well done.

*blinks*

Lummy. Dramatic.

Very well writ and all. Nicely put, you write the emotion very well.

i cant really add- hmm- most of the mistakes were small and over all , you entertained me , which is a supermegacompliment , cause afterall thats what every writer sets out to do.

dont get a beg head though...

-rod

I seriously have nothing to say except...This chapter was amazing! You really improved, it totally caught my attention. I'm all for it! I felt what the characters felt throughout the chapter. Keep it up, seriously! Thanks very much for that pm. I'm glad I read this. You got a good story going on. I can't wait 'til the next chapter!!!

no fare , no fare. I absolutly refuse to think that admanda is dead. why did yhis happen in the first chappter. I hate you keeping the darn supppence. You have made it like 50 time worse. No 100. man, if you do not post soon , you will absolutly regret it, because i will die from the darn susppnce.

Sorry. Now that it's summer time, I will be at the horse barn I work/ride at, so I won't be able to get on until Friday. (I posted on the goodbye section, if you want to know how often I'll be gone. But basically, almost every day.)

I'll work on this the second I wake up on Friday, though, I promise! (Although a PM to remind me might be helpful... )
~JFW1415

Edit: Oh, yeah, DragonWriter - Hunter Garrett killed nine innocent people. So there has to be at least nine deaths. Just wanted to warn you. And no, I'm not emo. I just have a lot of death in my stories...Actually, every single one is centered around it or it is a main aspect...But oh well.

Definitely a very intriguing and interesting story, with a heartrending ending. I'm not sure what to say to improve this, maybe just read it over and over again to yourself and make small improvements on words and phrases you use...not that it's bad now, but ya know, can't ever rewrite too much...well, I guess ya can but anyways you get my point I think. Over all though, I enjoyed reading this and can't wait to know what happens next!