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Something Out There



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Mon Oct 29, 2007 9:23 pm
Kim says...



Something Out There

Chapter 4

Seth cautiously scanned every space in the cave, slowly turning his head to look over his shoulder, tucking his wings in to see behind him. An audible sigh escaped his lips; allowing his body to relax. He was alone. Spotting his cloak on the floor, he kneeled down to pick it up. A smile played upon his face as he wrapped the cloak around his shoulders.

“I am done hiding” Seth thought. His mind raced and began to fill with thoughts of what he now needed to do. This time his feet did not touch the ground. Opening his wings, he lifted up through the rock ceiling, streaking high above the trees.

The night air was cold and refreshing as it hit his face. He was taking large deep breaths; cleansing his lungs from the stench of the demon. He felt alive again. He had the King of the universe holding his hand. Seth hit top speed, turned left and headed home.

Aronn stood in the darkness of the cave. He had watched the entire scene between Seth and the demon. His eyes twinkled with amusement. “To think Seth kicked butt with out a sword. He didn’t even need a fly swatter.” he chuckled to himself.

Stepping outside, a cold, gentle wind ruffled his black hair. Unfolding his wings; he flew east toward the town of White Rapids. “Maybe this assignment won’t be so bad after all.” Aronn thought to himself.

Aronn could see the city lights approaching; he felt an urgency to find his captain. Now flying low, he circled the town. As he entered, he swooped into an alley behind a deserted clothing store. The alley was dark, as was most of this side of town. This part of White Rapids had fallen into the hands of evil. Crime and immorality had become the norm and demons now occupied it. The darkness helped to conceal Aronn‘s arrival. The last thing he needed right now was to alert the enemy of his presence.

Aronn could now see the small church being used as the headquarters. He squinted to see the rooftop. Relief flooded him as he drew closer. Turning to his right, he rose higher and landed quietly on the steep roof. Tiptoeing, Aronn made his way over to the far end.

“WAKE UP!”

“Aronn! When will you grow up?” Ernes whispered, with a hint of annoyance.

“Ah captain, you are glad to see me, don’t hide it.”

“Why can’t you just present yourself, do you really to have sneak up on me like that? I almost fell. Besides, I knew you were coming.”

“No you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did. There is nothing that catches me off guard.”

“There is no way you saw me. I am stealthy, and fast. I go unseen.”

Ernes turned to look at Aronn,” Stealthy? Ha! You might as well carry a sign saying, “Here I am.”

Aronn turned to look over the city and laughed. “You know I am the best in this army of yours. Admit it. Many a time have I saved your behind?”

“And I yours” Ernes said under his breath. Aronn was right, he is the best. They have fought in thousands of battles together, and there is no one else he would prefer to have at his side. Aronn could have easily been captain, but he preferred battle over semantics.

Aronn sat down next to Ernes, allowing his legs to dangle over the roof top, leaning back on his hands he turned and looked at his captain. He couldn’t remember a time they weren’t friends. Ernes was shorter and his skin was dark. His brown hair always seemed to be in place; a stark contrast to Aronn’s wild curls. His friend’s eyes were so dark, they appeared black; especially when he was angry.

“So, are you going to fill me in, or just sit there and admire my looks?” Ernes said.” Seth returned home. I wasn’t expecting him this soon.”

“You give away your secrets my friend. Seth’s returning meant my return.”

“Aronn, seriously just tell me, I am in no mood for your banter.”

“Ok, it doesn’t look good. Seth had been trailed by a couple of demons. One small, one very large and one who knew him personally. The large one was out of place.”

“What do you mean out of place?”

Aronn became serious, “One his size is not normally assigned to a town like White Rapids, but rather a war between countries. There is only one reason for him to be here, and that does not bode well.”

“Why are they following a guardian?” Ernes said nervously. “Who was this demon that knew Seth?”

“I don’t know the first name that was given him, but Seth called him Hate, It appeared they were friends before the falling. I am not sure why he hunted Seth, but I am sure he intended to destroy him.”


Ernes stared out into the dark; a guardian angel on a hit list did not make sense. He turned back to Aronn, “This child of Seth’s, do you know him?”
Aronn jerked his head around, “That’s it! The child, it must be the child.”

Ernes got to his feet, “We need to get all the information we can on Seth’s charge. I will put a hedge of protection around him for now.” As he stepped off the roof, Ernes looked back at Aronn, “Go stay with Seth and the child. Do not let them out of your sight. Stay hidden, you are not to be seen, you are only to observe.”

Both war angels flew off in separate directions. Aronn heading to the child’s house, and Ernes to report to his superior.
Last edited by Kim on Mon Oct 29, 2007 10:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Mon Oct 29, 2007 9:49 pm
bkwrm says...



This is really good Kim. How is it that you always have work that's consistently good? Now I feel jealous!!!
Just a couple of grammatical points - yet again those are the only ones you really make;

An audible sigh escaped his lips; allowing his body to relax.

Does this need a semi-colon? I think a comma would do - I'm not certain though.


Unfolding his wings; he flew east toward the town of White Rapids.

This definately doesn't need the semi-colon. Take it out then leave the rest of the sentence as it is.

“Maybe this assignment won’t be so bad after all.” Aronn thought to himself.
As with speech, when characters are thinking the text is followed by a comma (unless you use an exclamation or question mark) before the 'he thought' part.

The dark helped to conceal Aronn‘s arrival.

Use darkness instead of dark - it sounds better.
I am stealth, and fast.
Stealth?

Use stealthy.

Aronn was right, he was the best.

It should be Aronn was right, he is the best.


Seth had been trailed by a couple demons.

A couple of demons.

I don’t know the first name that was given him

Given to him

but Seth called him Hate, It appeared they were friends before the falling.

Replace the comma before it with a full stop and put that before they.

As I said, fantastic as usual. PM me when you've written chapter five.
Bkwrm
  





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Mon Oct 29, 2007 11:41 pm
hummingbird says...



Kim
I can honestly say that your story kept me wanting to read more. You are doing very well. My advice would be to avoid the extra had, that, have words. Anxious for the next chapter. I am now going to look for your chap. 1,2 and 3.

hummingbird
  





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Tue Oct 30, 2007 2:21 am
lysolstinks says...



this ch lacks the excitement of the last one, but it has me intrigued as to where you are taking it. i did not even look for errors, as i am reading this in sequence for the story line. although i am not into the heavenly beings, i do very much like this story. so when is ch 5 coming?

lystolstinks
  





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Tue Oct 30, 2007 2:58 am
somethingcreative says...



I read all the posts that you have for this so far. I'll I can say is that you should keep going, if you haven't already! This is very good.
  





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Tue Oct 30, 2007 4:19 am
B r i a s a u r u s says...



i love it :]]]

good job kimmy <3
  





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Tue Oct 30, 2007 4:32 am
BigBadBear says...



Hey! Sorry, I forgot to comment! lol

Well, this is great, Kim. No errors other than the ones that they have already pointed out. Your talent is developing! Geat job!


BBB
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.
  





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Wed Oct 31, 2007 2:29 am
spiritblackwolf2705 says...



I think your story was very good, except for a few things here and there but people have already critiqued on those.
  





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Mon Nov 26, 2007 2:31 am
xyberangel says...



Hey Kim again, I'm reading your story again, and procrastinating from studying. I'll finish this review then go back to studying, and read the rest later. Its good how you developed Aronn's character more in this chapter, which makes him more dimensional as a character.

“Aronn! When will you grow up?” Ernes whispered, with a hint of annoyance.
–maybe you should write a little description of him being suprised like he whisphered as he propped a hand to stablize himself back on the ledge.
“Ah captain, you are glad to see me, don’t hide it.”

Why can’t you just present yourself, do you really to have sneak up on me like that? I almost fell. Besides, I knew you were coming.”

Link the front bit with the I almost fell bit, would help it flow better.

Aronn turned to look over the city and laughed. “You know I am the best in this army of yours. Admit it. Many a time have I saved your behind?”
The question sounds a bit wierd, maybe use instead
Many a time I have saved your behind. which sounds more assertive


His friend’s eyes were so dark, they appeared black; especially when he was angry.
Well what colour were his eyes originally? If it was black before then there is no change, maybe you could add some imagery here like 'His friend's eyes were so dar, they reflected a moonless night; especially when he was angry.
  





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Mon Nov 26, 2007 5:12 am
Kim says...



thanks so much angel, i really appreciate it.

kim
  








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