Young Writers Society

Nightmare's heart pounded, and her muscles were tensed. She wasn't going to let these creatures take another one of her kind, not again. Nightmare looked back at the rest of the herd, the foals were falling back again! They weren't ready for this kind of running. Nightmare turned sharply, sending dirt in every direction. She began to run, faster and faster towards the foals. Yes, she was powerful, and yes she could be cruel at times, but she wasn't going to let the foals get caught. She had never shown any care for the foals, but inside she did. Inisde, she thought of them as her own, because she was barrren. Kindness and love sparkled in Nightmare's eyes as she reached the foals, and nudged them forward hastily. The foals ran towards their mothers, looking back at Nightmare thankfully.

It was to late for Nightmare though, the humans were already surroonding her. Nightmare reared onto her back legs, striking out her legs angrily. The human creatures began to throw long, rough rings around her neck, pulling them tighter and tighter. She whinied tugging at the bindings that held her, trying to escape. There was no way, she was stuck. Doomed forever to be a slave of the human creatures, doing as they command, having their weight on your back, a living hell. The humans began to speak in a language Nightmare couldn't decipher.

"Ah, this one's a beauty!" Shouted one of the male humans.

"Do you think that little snobby bitch can handle, 'er?" One of the girl riders asked, her brunette hair pulled back into a pony tail.

"Probably not, but it's always entertaining to watch 'em get bucked," Grinned a younger boy with sloppy red hair.

Nightmare continued to buck and rear, until the rings around her neck were so tight she could hardly breath. She neighed loudly, striking out with her back legs once more. The herd watched from a distance, their heads down in shame.

"Load her up!" Yelled the brunnete girl.

Before Nightmare could fight, they were jamming her into a small, dark space. She stomped and started to kick, she didn't know where she was and it was practically impossible for her to see. The door behind her hindquarters slammed shut and she was alone. The herd was her life, and they were gone. Nightmare's eyes clouded with thoughts and questions, where did the humans take the mustangs they stole? What were they going to do with her? If she escaped how would she find her way back to the herd? So many questions, no answers.

Nightmare began whining and neighing desperately, kicking at the doors, and ramming her side into the walls of this cage. She couldn't and wouldn't live like this. She would die if she couldn't run in the wild, the wind blowing through her hair, no she would never be free again. Even if she didn't escape, she would be lost without the herd. After Nightmare could neigh in plea, and kick in attempt to escape no longer, she fell asleep. In her dreams, the one place she could be free and live wild once more, the only thing to look forward too.

(I don't know if this story belongs in this section......But anyway this is a continuation of The Mustangs)

wow, this is great, i enjoyed reading, it ended to quick. but thats just me. i was wanting to go on.
the only thing that didnt flow, is calling the humans creatures in one sentence, then humans in the next. creature didnt seem to fit.
but that is all i can say negative.
can you let me know when you post ch 3?

kim

Sure Kim, I will add you as a friend

Nightmare looks similar to this:

Wow... Good work! I think you need to say foals less though...

Very nice! I liked this as much as the first one, if not better. I really like that you are still writing from Nightmare's perspective, and the whole thing has a very nice feeling. There are a few errors, which I will go ahead and point out now:

Nightmare's heart pounded, and her muscles were tensed

Notice how you switch tenses here? It should be either: " Nightmare's heart pounded, and her muscles tensed" or "Nightmare's heat began to pound, and her muscles tensed". Or something along those lines. You also should really decide whether its going to be past or present.

the foals were falling back again!

This just sounds awkward to me. Maybe change it to : "and saw that the foals were beginning to fall back again" or something like that.

surroonding

Surrounding?

She whinied tugging at the bindings that held her, trying to escape

should have a comma after "winnied", which I'm pretty sure doesn't have a "h" in it. I noticed that you use that spe;;ing over the whole thing, and I'm not sure if it's right or not, so I guess its your choice.

"Do you think that little snobby bitch can handle, 'er?

this sentence confused me. First of all, who is the girl referring to? Secondly, I think it would read better if you changed the places of "little" and "snobby".

Before Nightmare could fight, they were jamming her into a small, dark space.

Maybe add "back" after "fight"?

She stomped and started to kick, she didn't know where she was and it was practically impossible for her to see.

"but" after "kick".

Nightmare began whining and neighing

I don't beleive that you meant the horse was "whining".


Those are the ones that popped out, anyway. An interesting development, and you told us a bit more about Nightmare. I think perhaps you should add more description of the scene?

I really liked this. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Yeah! another great section! I really liked this, like last time, but the only that that bothers me is it goes by really fast, but that might just be cause you post in short sections. Oh well. Everything I noticed was posted up there.

You are a great author!


BBB