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Something Out There



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Wed Nov 07, 2007 7:06 pm
Kim says...



Chapter 8

The school bell rang and soon the playground was filling with children.Christian stepped out of the school’s main doors and headed down the steps, as he got to the bottom, an icy wind hit his face. He stopped, something didn’t feel right. He shuddered and pulled his thin coat tighter around his small frame. Standing there he looked around, he was searching for anything that would account for the uneasy feeling shrouding him.

Christian noticed the other school kids. They seemed more aggressive then normal. Seth and Samuel felt it to. They instinctively stepped closer to Christian, wrapping wings around him to protect him.

“Seth?” Samuel said, as he felt his body tensing. “Do you feel that?”

“I think everyone here feels it, look at the children.” Seth said. “We have to get Christian home NOW!” As a sense of urgency filled him. Seth noticed Christian wasn’t moving. He bent down and gently whispered in his ear. “Christian, go home. You have to go home now!”

Christian looked for the safest way to avoid the children. He decided to walk along the wall of the school. When he was off school grounds, he took off running for home.

Aronn and Ernes stood on the school roof watching the black cloud of demons flying closer to the city. “Captain? I think it is time to call in reinforcements, it looks to me like there are thousands of them.”

“There is no time, we can not leave the child, and it is him they are searching for.” Ernes said while thinking of a plan. “Follow me and stay out of sight as long as possible.”

They opened their wings and flew behind the homes lining the neighborhood, trying not to be seen. They would follow the three of them home. Aronn could feel his muscles twitching, aching for a fight. Ernes looked over at him and grinned. “Aronn, not yet.”

“But soon Captain, I can feel it. One of the many demon’s are bound to see the child running.”

The dark ominous cloud was almost over the city, a few of the smaller and quicker demon’s had already made it and were wreaking havoc. One bulky demon was flying low, his wings creating a chill as they flapped in an awkward fashion. His yellow eyes darting back and forth, searching for the child. He didn’t care about the rest of the children, just this one. “Take out the guardian.” He thought and the child will be an easy mark.

The demon spotted them running along the sidewalk. A crooked grin crossed his face, and then faded. “Wait; there are three of them running! Why does this child have two guardians?” The words came to him causing him to reconsider his bravery. He slowed down and searched for any other angels. The guardians did not matter to him, they were usually unarmed. He was searching for the dangerous kind.

Not seeing any, the demon decided to take out Seth first.

Aronn and his Captain spotted the demon and could see his intention; they flew to intercept him, Aronn on the left and Ernes to the right. With swords drawn and wings expanded to their fullest, they released a blast of blinding light. The demon never saw them, his eyes locked on Seth.

The demon folded his black wings along the length of his back, making for a faster descent. With his hind legs pushed forward and talons extended out, it aimed for the back of Seth’s head.

Aronn could feel his strength increasing, surging through his entire body. It felt good. He was coming in fast; his blazing sword held out in front of him, he aimed for the demon’s neck. He could see the large vein pulsing down the back of the demon’s head. His blade leaving a trail of light as it made a wide arc. Aronn yelled, putting all of his strength into this one thrust. If he missed, there would not be a second chance.

Aronn’s blade vibrated as it hit the mark. The force of the strike sent the demon flying end over end towards Ernes. His head attached to his body by a few sinewy fragments. Ernes backed up and brought his blade up over his right shoulder. With a yell that matched Aronn’s, he allowed the sword to release it‘s full power. With a burst of speed, his arm swung out and struck the demon, cutting him in half. Before the mangled pieces of the demon could hit the ground, they disappeared in a flume of green smoke. The demon never seeing its enemy

Aronn looked around, as he rose higher off the ground, searching for more threats. “This one was careless.” he said looking down at Ernes

Ernes was not listening, he was watching the child. Seth and Samuel were standing over him as he knelt on the cold side walk. Christian’s eyes were closed and his lips were silently moving. “The child is praying.” He thought incredulously.

Aronn floated down to stand next to his Captain. “What is wrong?”

“Look at the boy; this is where our strength has come from.”

“But how did he know to start praying? A boy of ten is not aware of these things.” Aronn said quietly.

Seth turned from Christian and stared at the two warriors, who were standing with their eyes wide with confusion.

“How long have you been watching us?” Seth questioned them.
Samuel walked over to them. Turning to glaring at Seth. “I don’t care how long, I am thankful you were here.”

Seth stammered, “I am sorry I didn’t mean it to come out rudely, it’s just that things are getting out of control. I am truly grateful for your protection today.” He kneeled down next to Christian. “I was wondering how long I could keep him secret.” He said while tenderly looking at him.

“It appears your secret has never been a secret.” Ernes replied. “The plan seems to have been in place for sometime. The Strongman knows of him, and you were replaced for the child‘s safety. Your replacement is not a guardian angel.” He said looking at Samuel.

Seth spun around, “If he is not a guardian, they who is he?”

“I am one of them.” Samuel said, pointing to Ernes and Aronn.
  





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Wed Nov 07, 2007 11:28 pm
BigBadBear says...



Whoa..cool!

Kim I have got to say that you have EXTRODINARY talent. Yeah, I know, I didn't spell that right, but who cares. Wow...that's all I can say.

I didn't notice anything other than one sentence; the first and second I believe. You didn't put a space between the sentences. Other than that, Kim, this is amazingly cool.

The only thing that I am having trouble imagining is the demons. I don't know what they look like, so I can't picture them. Maybe I just didn't read their description. And I still don't know why the demons are after Christian...grr! I guess I'll just have to wait and find out.

Kim, this is too cool to be true. Great job


BBB
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.
  





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Thu Nov 08, 2007 3:23 am
Kim says...



lol bear, it is still a secret about christian, although i have dropped hints in previous chapters. i should define the demons more. but i have a hard time giving them any recognition. weird i know. but i will try to work on that in my next chapter.
thanks for you comments. means alot.

kim
  





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Mon Nov 12, 2007 6:30 am
hummingbird says...



This story just keeps getting better and better. you have talent. I agree with Bear that there should be more description of the demons. i think you can still do this without giving them recognition. Please keep writing.

Hummingbird
I hate mean people
  





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Mon Nov 26, 2007 10:54 pm
xyberangel says...



Hey Kim, love the way your action flowed in this chapter, the tension during the battle sceans are really good. Through during the begging half of the chapter, I think you could build more atmostphere and tension about the approaching masses of demons, because I dont really feel the tension created. You only told us there is tenstion from the dialogue, and its better to show than tell.

Christian noticed the other school kids. They seemed more aggressive then normal. Seth and Samuel felt it to. They instinctively stepped closer to Christian, wrapping wings around him to protect him.
Well how did they seem more aggressive, add some detail here, and maybe a bit more of description of the scene. Try to create a change in atmosphere from the more calm, every day school scene, to buidling up of tension from the sudden release of the demons from the strongman. I could only tell there is any increase in tension is Christian feeling slightly uneasy.. and reading the previous chapter. I think this change could be brought stronger and the tension from the previous chapter was really high at the end, then it kind of drops heaps, then only slightly anxious from Christian's uneasiness then suddenly extremey high tension again. This transition is a bit wierd. so i think instead of dropping then tension so much, maybe you could make it more gradual. Like Christian chills down his spine as a bead of sweat tickled down his spine.

one bulky demon was flying low, his wings creating a chill as they flapped in an awkward fashion. or show the change in atmosphere since entering to exiting. A gale swept through the playground, pulling a trail of litter left over from earlier. Somehow the the day seemed darker than normal, the hint of storm clouds brooded over the horizon.

Take out the guardian.” He thought and the child will be an easy mark.
For speech use commar after sentence and dont start the ending line with another sentence. Also if somethings thinking something, unless they say it out loud, dont use speech marks. It should be 'Take out the guardian, he thought and the child will be an easy mark.'


The demon spotted them running along the sidewalk. A crooked grin crossed his face, and then faded. “Wait; there are three of them running! Why does this child have two guardians?” The words came to him causing him to reconsider his bravery. He slowed down and searched for any other angels. The guardians did not matter to him, they were usually unarmed. He was searching for the dangerous kind.

start a new line after speech.

The force of the strike sent the demon flying end over end towards Ernes.

This sounds a bit wierd, maybe use 'The force of the strike bowled the demon over, making him fly head over tail.'

Aronn yelled, putting all of his strength into this one thrust. If he missed, there would not be a second chance.

Whey wouldn't there be no second chance? you didnt really explain that one. Maybe talk about how close the demon is to Seth, and how risky the situation more.

“The child is praying.” He thought incredulously.

no speech marks with thought and use the same sentence.

Seth turned from Christian and stared at the two warriors, who were standing with their eyes wide with confusion.

Show Seth's surprise more, the warriors are confused, but isnt Seth? or at least suprised, he should be gaping at them.

“I was wondering how long I could keep him secret.” He said while tenderly looking at him.

same sentence, use “I was wondering how long I could keep him secret,” he said while tenderly looking at him.

“It appears your secret has never been a secret.” Ernes replied. “The plan seems to have been in place for sometime. The Strongman knows of him, and you were replaced for the child‘s safety. Your replacement is not a guardian angel.” He said looking at Samuel.

same problem use 'angel," He said..'

Other than that I think you really have a talent for creating action sceens, makes it exiting to read. Keep going. Oh yeah please label what chapter it is in the topic sentence. I clicked 10 windows just to find chapter 8, I got so lost from trying....

xxFlora
  








Act in the valley so that you need not fear those who stand on the hill.
— Danish proverb