Young Writers Society

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Whoah.

That was really long, but I enjoyed it none the less.

Uh..I think I saw a spelling mistake...hold on

Oh well. I can't find it right now. I know that it was spelled wrong, and it was near the top of the chapter.

Anyway, other than that, I didn't notice anything else. Your descriptions are beautifully done, but sometimes you can be info dumping. No worries though. If you ever feel like you are only describing the person, then that is an info dump. We all do it. Just try and put the descriptions more in the actions. That's all that I'll say for it.

by the way, I loved the little hawk birdy thing! It's funny! Your characters (as I thought they would be) were very original, and easy to remember. That is always a good thing to have. I really liked your descriptions and stuff.

Well, if you post more, you know who to call! AKA me!

BBB

*growls* This may not be as good of a critique as it originally was. My computer closed the page on me and caused me to lose the entire crit so I had to start over. Irritated moods don't make for good critiquing.

“Are you ready, my friend?” The man asked quietly. The bird, whose name was Orari, looked at him from bright golden eyes. He smiled slightly. “I thought so.”

- I would suggest giving the bird's name in the dialogue and completely omitting the last two or three sentences.

Making sure the guard was somewhat on his way, The man jumped to the ground lightly.

-I had to read the bolded part three times before it clicked. I would suggest rewording it to make it clear the first time one reads it.

Still chuckling, Dante headed back into the forest to a town which should have been three hours away, but with Dante’s speed, he reached it within an hour and a half.

What makes him so much faster than the average human?

the cup in it into the lap of a man who sat in a large, elaborately decorated chair.

He really did not like these types of jobs. Orari clicked his beak in agreement.

- Aside from the typo, I have two suggestions here. (1)Switch the order of the sentences. (2) Elaborate. Why doesn't he like "these types of jobs"? What are "these types" and would Dante prefer instead?

He hadn’t even heard what his proposition was!

- You already showed us that he hadn't heard the proposition. We don't need the fact spoon-fed to us.

The force of it sent the guard flying backwards into his companion, knocking both of them on the floor, hitting their heads on the hard floor.

- Repetitive. Try re-wording the last bit of the sentence so you aren't using "floor" twice. Maybe use what the floor is made of instead ie: "...hitting their heads on the marble"

Arowsa gasped. A young man stared coldly at him. He couldn’t have been more than in his early twenties. He stood tall, six feet.-It would suffice to say "He stood six feet tall." here, now? He had slanted blue eyes with a slash running downward through his left eye from the top of the eyebrow to the middle of his cheek, and blue black hair pulled back into a low ponytail. Short pieces slipped out of the leather thong holding his hair back, falling into his eyes.

- First, you've already shown us that he has blue, slanted eyes. Second, it's a touch boring to read through a description. It's better show the reader what a person looks like rather than tell us. Example: You could say "Short peices of blue-black hair slipped out of the leather thong that held it in a low ponytail, falling into his slanted blue eyes." rather than telling us that he has blue-black hair.

Jadell, was a small woman, perhaps the youngest commander to date. Her long, thick, black braid hung down her back, as her green eyes surveyed the glass case. Her long bangs fell in her eyes, and she was dressed in brown flowing pants, and a tight green sleeveless shirt. Black ankle high boots completed her look, and a small sword rested against her back.

-again, show don't tell.

When they recovered it, she’d put in word to the Magistrate to have it moved somewhere safer.

- The way this is worded it's as if they've already recovered the cup. Since the next sentence clearly indicates they haven't, you might consider re-wording this.

Dante’s eyes widened. “What?! They just left Geer? And now they’re tracking us? Oh, you have got to be joking. Why didn’t you tell me sooner you stupid bird?!”

- How did he get all that from a single click? I can understand a click being an affirmative answer to a question, but how can it tell him that a guard is headed straight for him. The same goes for the rest of the conversation after that.

Besides, it was likely that they would lie, anyway.

- It is redundant to use "Besides" at the beginning and "anyway" at the end. Choose one or the other.

So Jadell and her squad had headed off in the direction they figured Dante would go in: East, toward the oriental provinces.

- wouldn't it be more appropriate to use "the perpetrator" instead of "Dante" here, since they have no way of knowing who killed the crime lord?

Dante twisted his neck around and stared at her, while inwardly congratulating himself on gaining titles such as notorious and legendary. But this woman was starting to annoy him.

It is grammatically incorrect to start a sentence with the word "but". Try re-wording this section.

“I worked hard to get to the position I’m in, thief.” Jadell spat.

then tied the end of the rope that was around Felix’s waist to the tree.

Two hours later, Dante snorted in disgust, as Felix drooled and snored on his shoulder.

Orari’s shoulders shook as the bird silently chuckled.

- Birds don't chuckle.

Then she blacked out.

- You just said she gave into the darkness, which indicates blacking out. You don't have to tell us again.

Overall, this was okay. I won't call it brilliant, but it definately has potential. Work on making your descriptions more subtle. I shouldn't feel like I'm being spoon fed the description of a character.

Another thing is the comminitcation between hawk and human. I understand that you are trying to present the information being presented in those conversations, but a single click isn't going to be enough to give that much information. I suggest giving him more of a range of communication than just clicking. Birds whirlstle and chirp as well.. also there can be body language he gives. If you are wanting a fantasy element in this, perhaps there can be some sort of mental link, though that has been done and would be majorly cliche.

Hope this helps! Feel free to contact me if you have any questions or comment about this critique. I want to help, not rip your story apart. I see potential here and so I'd like to continue reading it if you post more.

~Reakeda

I haven't critiqued fiction in a while, mostly because I haven't seen anything that interested me or was grammatically correct, and I am pleased that yours passed both tests! Mind you, the critique is slightly huge (slightly huge being a gross underestimate) but I'm hoping it's of use to you!

And mind you, I think this is a fairly awesome first draft. I would have killed to write this good for my first drafts. So I know that you're going to work on this and make it beautiful and then it'll be even more awesome. The aim for this critique is, believe or not, not to make you cry or to make you feel worthless as a writer, but merely to point out some things that I've noticed that you could work on later, when you're ready to tackle it.

Actually, to be quite honest, you hold quite a lot of promise and I'm impressed by the amount of editing you've done by yourself. It's pretty good! So let me help you with refining it further.

With that said, on to the critique!

The man crouched on the roof of the building waiting for the guard to pass. Looking up toward the night sky he made a noise resembling a hawk’s cry. A flapping of wings followed, and a hawk landed on the his outstretched arm.

and a hawk landed on the his outstretched arm.

^ Fix that. ^_^

Also... hawks really really can't see at night. Really. So there has to be really good reason why Otari is flying around. If this is a fantasy fiction, perhaps this is some special bird that can see in the night. If that's the case, you should probably put it in the fantasy fiction forum.

If this isn't fantasy fiction, then that means in the very first paragraph, you have a gigantic plot hole. Because even nighthawks usually fly in the dusk or early dawn or where there's some sort of light -- not at the dead of night. And, since at the very beginning, it seems like he's being sneaky, then I'm assuming it's very dark out. So this doesn't really make sense.

And then there's the other problem... hawks aren't really good pets. At all. There's a couple of reasons for this. First of all, consider a dog. Dogs make ideal pets because they live in a group environment where they have a leader they can look up to. So they're awesome pets. Horses are the same way. Animals like cats, sheep, cows, pigs, elephants, and any other domesticated animal are somewhat similar. They can be led around and don't mind being "owned."

Hawks are... sort of domesticated, but they are still very very wild. So they usually have caps on their heads, because . And they usually have to be coaxed to come down. And the person taking care of them has to make sure to wear heavy heavy leather on his outstretched arm and tether the bird, so the bird cannot escape. And most likely, the. Did I mention heavy leather?

So this actually ends up harming his thieving abilities. One of his arms is used for the bird and he can't make it down the roof as easily, because hopefully he's holding his arm as still as possible for the bird. And, if the bird is on his shoulder, that would probably make it more difficult because he can't move his head that much.

To demonstrate, let's look at a typical (albeit, slightly disturbing) male head and shoulders picture:



So, with a bird on his shoulder, he's going to be moving a little slower. And that's bad for a thief. And then, he would have to wear very heavy leather on his shoulder, and that's just going to push the bird closer to his face, so yeah. It's probably not going to work. That's why when you do your research and look at all of those birds, they're always holding them on their hand, not on their shoulder.







Even in medieval days, they used the glove!



Okay. Now I am officially having WAY too much fun with finding pictures for this critique, so I should probably stop it with this section because... yeah. XD

Wow.

So, the short story is make sure you research your stuff first! You can make up a little, but for me, it makes my mind spin, and probably not in a good way. And mind you, probably nobody else will notice it but me, because I've spent time researching falconry and all, but you should research it anyway. Because face it... maybe your research will uncover something awesome that you can stuff in the story.

Oh wow... that was way too long. Moving on!

“Are you ready, my friend?” The man asked quietly. The bird, whose name was Orari,
looked at him from bright golden eyes. He smiled slightly. “I thought so.”

I would just write it as, "Orari looked at him..." and skip the "the bird, whose name was..." just because it's more to the point. Unlike this critique.

Making sure the guard was somewhat on his way, The man jumped to the ground lightly. His boots made no sound on the packed dirt. Raising the hood on his cloak to cover his head, he crept along the edges of the building.

Somewhat on his way? Be more concrete!

And the cloak thing is even more evidence why you can't have a hawk on his shoulder. He's moving it up... he really has no place for the hawk to be.

This man was Dante, and he was a thief who worked only for himself.

Delete this sentence... you really don't need it.

Looking back over his shoulder, Dante watched the guard turn the corer around the building. Excellent. He should have approximately twenty-two seconds to get inside the building. Jumping to the ground, he pulled an instrument from the pouch on his belt and expertly picked the lock. Quietly, he slipped inside.

He turned the "corner."

And he has a bird on his shoulder?

Okay... so that slightly bugs me, but you really need to fix that!

And I would write, "he would have approximately..." instead.

Without waiting for his slanted blue eyes to adjust to the dark, Dante looked around. He had been provided with enough details about the building to know exactly where the artifact had been placed.

Slanted blue eyes? That's slightly purplish

Quiet as a cat, Dante crept across the floor towards the glass case in the corner.

"Quiet as a cat" is slightly cliched. I would rather have "Quietly, Dante..." or something like that.

“Alright, Orari,” Dante whispered as he pulled a sharp tool from his belt. “Keep watch while I work.”

The bird chirped quietly, and Dante traced the tool over the top of the glass case, wincing as the metal of the tool scraped against the glass.

I don't think "chirp" is a good descriptive sound for a hawk.

After the tool had made a sufficient mark in the glass, Dante pocketed the tool and pulled out a small band of metal. Slipping it through the crack in the glass, he carefully pried it up. Reaching his hand in carefully, he pulled out the object of his mission. A gold jeweled cup.

I don't like the word "sufficient."

According to Dante’s calculations and observances of the guards for three days, the guard should now be rounding the corner to circle the building again, leaving Dante his opportunity to escape without notice.

Dante carefully crept to the door and out into the night. Quietly, he climbed into a nearby tree to witness the outcome of his work.

“There goes the guard…” Dante muttered to the hawk on his shoulder. “He’s going inside for his hourly check on the cup… He’s lighting a candle…He’s just figuring out the cup is gone….He will come rushing out to alert the other guards in exactly….three…two…one….”

HOLD ON!

If it's dark inside the place and Dante didn't have time to adjust his slanted blue eyes to the darkness, then how, how, HOW are they going to notice that the cup was missing? And yes, I know they have candlelight, but candlelight honestly sucks, and it flickers so much that they might not even notice the goblet at first.

And that brings up everything, but if they have to check it every hour, then this goblet must be important. So, unless they're guarding other things as well, then why don't they pay more attention to the goblet? It doesn't make sense!!!

Something else you could do to make it make more sense is to make him not have enough time to adjust his eyes to the light. That way, he wouldn't have to adjust to the darkness, even though he was just in the darkness, so he technically shouldn't have had to adjusted it at all.

Hehe, it's always the little things like that. But that should be relatively simple to fix, I think...

The guard ran out the door and into the direction of the guard‘s station, panic written all over his face. Dante chuckled to himself. It was the same every time. The Peacekeepers in every city were so predictable.

But why do they have to be so predictable?

I don't know. There are all these fantasies with all these guards who are so STUPID, and the hero, by virtue of being the hero, is so much smarter than they are and is able to beat the guards every single time. Why? And I don't know. I usually don't read stories all the way through before I critique, so I don't know whether the guards get brains or if it's just another "oh, look, another stupid guard!" sort of thing, but yeah.

The more brains you generally put in your characters, the more deeper your story gets. And that isn't to say that every character has to be fully developed. But that means that you generally avoid Casper and Jasper characters.

Still chuckling, Dante headed back into the forest to a town which should have been three hours away, but with Dante’s speed, he reached within an hour and a half.

Three hours away on what?

Arriving in front of the cup’s destination, Dante walked up to the guard stationed there.

“I have come to see Arowsa “ Dante said quietly. The guard attempted to peer into Dante’s face, but found it nearly impossible from the shadow formed by the hood on Dante’s cloak.

I didn't like, "The guard attempted..." and the rest of the paragraph, just because it takes away from the quietness of his dialogue. It's like, the important thing is you sitting down, not the drooling German shepherd trying to butt its head underneath your arm. It's clumsy, that's what, and it leaves you the impression of clumsiness rather than quietness and, in a way, coolness. And that's what you want, as far as a last impression.

“What business do you have here,” the guard asked suspiciously.

Get rid of the dialogue tags and don't forget your question mark!

“I have retrieved something for Arowsa. I am here to deliver it.”

The guard stepped aside.

Hmmm. If I were the guard, I would question him a bit further. This is another stupid guard though. If I were to come into some important person's office with this sort of attitude, and actually get in, I would be slightly amazed. Add more questions.

Dante swept past him, cloak flowing, and made his way down the hallway toward an ornate door at the end.

I don't like "cloak flowing."

The guards stationed at the door quickly opened them. They knew better than to delay visitors to Arowsa.

How very convenient.

You need to make your guards at least seem to think.

Dante stepped into the large room and quickly crossed it, dropping the pouch with the cup in it into the lap of a man who sat in a large elaborately decorated chair.

XD

I hate to be "Miss Perverted" here, but why, oh WHY would you put a very heavy cup into a guy's lap? I mean, in a girl's lap, it would hurt enough, but a guy??? OUCHIES!

Maybe he drops it on a table? On the floor? ANYTHING besides that! XD

And.... "large elaborately decorated chair" is overdoing the description.

Oh no... it's nearly midnight. I better be quick!

“There. You have your cup. I demand my payment.” Dante muttered icily. He really did not like these type of jobs. Orari clicked his beak in agreement.

"Muttered" doesn't really make him seem as awesome as he is, so you should probably change that. And his icy manner should give us the hint that he doesn't like those jobs... you don't have to tell us.

Oh gosh. It's much too late, and I'm afraid that the critique is left unfinished. I'm sorry. I'm posting it anyway... I think you get the general drift of things, and I'm sure there's plenty here to think about. Maybe too much.

I shall try to finish it tomorrow, at least the first section, though don't bind me to it. In the meantime, I hope this helps. If you have any questions on what I've written so far, or if you just want to check something with me, feel free to ask, either here or pm, though it might be better here.

Until then, goodnight!