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Young Writers Society


Jerrsea'ya Wind of Death: Part III



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Tue Nov 27, 2007 10:13 am
SeraphTree says...



Sorry that it's taken so long... been busy and lazy. :D:D:D:D:D
Not sure how it is. It sounds a little choppy. :)

***

Iistengel turned away in disgust as the other boys thundered past on their Milin’yay to herd frantic caribou into the corral. It was always easier for them, herding the magnificent animals, while he was left doing the dirty work, not getting the proper payment… Not that I can do anything about it, he thought, scaring a straggler towards the pen. It won’t be likely I will ever get my own Milin‘yay.

Iistengel ignore the fatal scream of a beast and turned to see Natiirik, the chief’s son, charging a black bull. Iistengel gazed at the antlers with a practiced eye, figuring this particular creature to be around two years.

Iistengel watched as the young thing trotted by, thinking it had fooled the hunter. In a matter of seconds, he was inside the large pen.

Something stirred in boy; he thought of all the things that the caribou would be turned into; probably a fine cloak for Natiirik, or a gift for his sister Snoweska. Iistengel shook his head. We’ve don’t need that bull. We’ve got plenty of caribou for the harvest.
Iistengel decided to break the rules just once. He raced to Natiirik as fast as his legs would permit.

“Natiirik!”

The chief’s son turned to gaze at Iistengel, his fine spotted reindeer pawing the snow, spewing it everywhere. Iistengel stared at the sharp hooves, just inches from his feet. The thought of being trampled curled his fingers protectively underneath his palm. The boy looked to see Natiirik give him a look of pure venom.

“What do you want?”

“I desire to have that beast.”

Natiirik’s face expressed the deepest amount of loathing the little boy had ever seen. Iistengel maintained his expression, pointing at the deer.

“We have more than enough. What is one animal?”

Natiirik gazed at the boy, his eyes cold. Iistengel gazed at him hopefully; sometimes Natiirik was actually nice to him-

“My, I thought you would have grown since the Beihhou.”

Iistengel tossed his head up, his face burning in fury. The chief’s son paused his reindeer, turning cold eyes on the boy.

“There is no point in wasting one beast.”

With that, he trotted away, heading towards the village. Iistengel glared at his retreating form. If I had my bow with me- one shot and-

“Iistengel! Wrhaden!”

The lad turned blazing emerald eyes towards the young man who had called his name. Briind was racing towards him, a spear in one hand. He paused on the slushy ground beside Iistengel.

Wrhaden, are you alright? I thought you had gotten…”

He broke off, panting heavily. Iistengel offered a tight smile and stood, gazing at the reindeer’s placid form. The black morph was rare. He could be spared for breeding- It was foolish to think so. Natiirik will probably make sure that he is slaughtered.

“Don’t think about the deer, Wrhaden.”

Iistengel smiled at the words. How does he always know what I’m thinking? Briind was rubbing his head both affectionately and worriedly. Iistengel smiled at that. He could still remember that day when he was found. There was something large and warm beside him. He vaguely remembered white fur. He had been standing in a river, looking at a small village. A woman had been sitting there… he couldn’t remember what she was doing. From then on, his memory was too foggy to tell dream from reality. When asked, Briind told him that the woman had thrown a rock at him, and he had fallen in the water. She had said something… Amarok? Why did he always think of that?

Wrhaden? Aren’t you going to help?”

Way to save the day, Eisen. Iistengel nodded, helping some of the men butcher a cow. Memories… what are they to me anyway? Half formed dreams, Briind and the Amarok. He chuckled. Perhaps I am crazy.

***
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson
  





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Thu Nov 29, 2007 12:23 am
Falcon_Ablaze says...



Hey There,
It sounds good. A little choppy in places but still good. Here are a few suggestions I have:

The thought of being trampled curled his fingers protectively underneath his palm.

maybe change it to palms

Natiirik gazed at the boy, his eyes cold. Iistengel gazed at him hopefully; sometimes Natiirik was actually nice to him-

have a . instead of -

Again, these are just suggestions. Overall, it sounds great and I'm looking forward to reading more :D .

F.A.
"Life is not about how many breaths you take, but how many moments take your breath away"
-Anonymous
  





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389 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4209
Reviews: 389
Sun Dec 02, 2007 6:50 am
SeraphTree says...



Thanks for your advice, and welcome!!! :smt040
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson
  








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