z

Young Writers Society


Oddities under an Office Block - Part 3



User avatar
127 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 8947
Reviews: 127
Sun Jun 14, 2009 11:32 am
Cotton says...



They learned quickly why everybody down there was so very thin. For starters, there was virtually no food. Caty had had this thought amongst a manic mess of others when they first arrived, but it was not until they had been there a few ‘days’ that it truly dawned on her.
It should have been obvious, she supposed, as the only entrance to these chambers that she knew of was the lift – and nobody entered or left through the tiny door to it. Unless there was another secret entrance down one of the endless, shadowy passages, all they had was in those chambers.
However, nobody did anything that required much energy at all so the lack of food was not as bad as it could have been. During what must be daytime – which was when the most number of lights were on – they simply sat on their beds, staring at the sharp, rough stone walls or wandered aimlessly through the messy arrangement of passages. Axelander seemed to be the most vibrant, gliding around with a cheery grin on his face. It would have been so easy to like him, but Caty would not allow herself to. There was something in his absolute sincerity and overt helpfulness that unnerved her. She had always mistrusted passionate religious people, and now was not the time to relinquish her suspicions.
It was on about the fourth day they were there that Caty finally got her chance.
Alison had been lost by the second day. When the lights came on fully to start the new day, Alison had risen with all the others, got to her feet and drifted along with them to the main, circular room. She was out of sight before Caty and Jason could fully awake, and by the time they joined everybody else it was clear that Alison had gone. Her eyes were blank and staring, and her movements slow and unenthusiastic.
That moment, when Caty looked deeply and panic-stricken into her colleague’s eyes and saw nothing apart from the glassy sheen over her ice-blue irises, was when she hardened her resolve and decided that that would not be her. She did not want to be another one of the mindless drones. She wanted to leave.
So, after the congregation began to disperse after the evening gathering, Caty hovered beside the entrance to her passage. Jason saw her idling, and frowned at her. Not wanting to explain to him where other ears could so easily hear what she said, she shook her head a little once to either side. Even though, she suddenly realised, those ears probably wouldn’t listen. They wouldn’t hear.
Still, she waved Jason away and he followed the other mindless drones down a passageway. Caty noted with a strange mixture of surprise, curiosity and alarm that the passage Jason was heading down was not the one that led to their chamber. Clearly, he was also up to something.
“Is there a problem?” asked a soft, whispering voice straight into Caty’s ear and she jumped in shock. There, just behind her left elbow and leaning in so that his face was only a couple of inches from hers, stood Axelander.
“Uhh... n-not really, um...” stammered Caty. His cold eyes, the colour of liquid aluminium, deeply unnerved her.
“My title is ‘Lord’,” said Axelander silkily.
“OK. Well, everything’s fine, my Lord. Except...”
“Except what?” he asked interestedly.
“It’s nothing, really – I was just wondering, how long have you been here?” enquired Caty tentatively, concentrating hard on keeping her tone one of innocent curiosity.
Axelander chuckled lightly. “Time means very little here,” he answered evasively. His steely eyes flashed and Caty felt a thrill of genuine fear flash through her heart like an electric shock. Even so, she stood her ground and gave the strange leader a look of intense dissatisfaction.
Axelander’s forehead creased. “Fine. When I took over His people, the year up there was seventeen-oh-one.”
Stunned, Caty said nothing for a long moment. The only sounds to break the silence as Axelander watched her carefully were the soft, echoing footsteps and the odd quiet cough or sneeze.
“Th-that’s a long time,” she finally managed to choke out.
“Not to us,” he replied evenly.
“So... so are you immortal, or what?”
“In the crudest sense of the word,” said Axelander, his upper lip curling with disdain. “Once you have been down here, and felt the presence of the God of Darkness, you do not age. We live forever – through Him and for Him. Now, if you’ll excuse me, Jeremiah is feeling ill. His thoughts are being poisoned.”
And with that, he glided off down a passage unfamiliar to Caty.
“Poisoned?” she muttered to herself as she moved towards the box, checking twice over each shoulder. “Poisoned by what?”
She crouched beside it, and was instantly vindicated. On one side, the side least noticeable, was a small red button. As she picked it up and cradled it in her hands, she noticed a wire trailing from it. Frowning to herself, Caty put the box down and followed the wire’s path – all the way until she reached the tiny door that led back to the passage to the lift. The wire continued through a small hole in the bottom right corner.
Instinctively, and feeling as if she had somehow known all along, she knew that the button and the lift were linked.
She made her way slowly back to the alcove, first checking that everything in the main circular room was as it should be. There were so many crucial things buzzing around in her head, and she had no idea where to start. She would have to come to terms with the idea that now she had been forced into this nightmare, she would stay in it – forever.
Only she wouldn’t have to stay in it forever. If she was right, and the button corresponded to the lift, then she could escape. The only flaw in that plan was that Axelander seemed to know what every single member of his flock was thinking, and so he would be able to stop her as soon as she attempted to leave.
And anyway, she could not leave without Jason and Alison. She was the reason they were here at all, so she could not desert them when they needed her more than ever. However, saving them would probably prove to be extremely tricky, as she would have to be tremendously careful when she told them, given the ever-present ears that surrounded them. Plus, Alison was almost totally lost, doubling the difficulty.
Exhaling sharply in an angry sigh, she turned right into the chamber where her alcove was. Suddenly she hesitated, stunned by the automaticity of the action. She shook her head, trying to clear it, before crawling into her alcove. Jason was on the floor, sleeping with his mouth slightly open. Caty smiled, remembering her insistence of the previous nights that he get the thin mattress, and settled down to sleep herself. They both must have moved closer in the night, for when they both awoke the following morning, Caty found Jason’s fingers wrapped loosely around her own.
* * *
Caty drifted back into awareness somewhere near the end of Axelander’s ‘sermon’. A couple of days had passed since her revelation about the button and the lift. She argued with herself that this was because if Axelander did know about what she was planning, he would expect her to act sooner rather than later, and by waiting she was lulling him into a false sense of security.
Only this was not the entire truth.
Part of her was weakening, gradually succumbing to the blissful nothingness that occupied the others’ minds, and it was the part that felt urgencies and desires. She was certain of this, as sometimes – when one of the many idle moments allowed her clear thoughts to wander – she began to wonder whether it was worth the effort, whether staying would be easier, if not better, that leaving.
It was in moments like these that her rational thinking kicked in and told her to stop being stupid. This part created frightening hypotheses, such as: is Axelander controlling my thoughts, trying to make me want to stay?
Whenever she stared into those benevolent yet pitiless eyes, she knew that this might not be far off the mark.
The others were getting robot-like to their feet, and Jason caught Caty’s eye, nodding curtly once. She had told him, in hushed whispers, about her discovery and the plan that had followed it the previous night, and he had agreed with her rational, logical side that they should act now – before Axelander ‘convinced’ them to stay.
Whilst all the others had been asleep, and the only sounds in the chamber were those of soft, steady breathing and Alison’s snores, they had used Jason’s long belt to tie one of Alison’s feet to a leg of her bed.
After the morning service, Axelander clearly sensed her distress as he gathered his higher minions and hurried smoothly down their passage. Even given that Alison – even heavily muted as she was now – would kick up a mighty fuss, they would have only a minute or two to make their escape.
Fortunately, everybody else cleared the main room quickly, so they got their chance.
“Quick – go press the button, and I’ll get the door. Hopefully we’ll be able to jam it with one of my shoes,” hissed Caty, hurrying over to the little door and trying to hook her fingernails around it; there was no handle. Jason swooped down onto the box and the barely audible click as he pressed the button encouraged both of them – but also made them more nervous.
They had tried to reawaken Alison before the meeting, but she did not respond. As far as Caty knew, her whole persona, her ‘soul’, could be irretrievable. So it was with great regret that they decided their only hope for their escape would be to leave her behind, and so left her fastened to her bed.
Caty had just managed to force to door open by the tiniest amount when Jason hurried over to help her. Together, they got it open about a foot – just enough for Caty, with her slender frame, to slide through. Once on the other side, she could hear a barely audible hum of electricity – the lift, she presumed. She pushed against the door so that Jason could join her out in the almost pitch black corridor that was lit only by the light sneaking through the gap in the door.
“Quick, we’ve got to move,” whispered Jason once he had eased his frame, which was considerably large than Caty’s, through the small gap. They pulled it as close to shut as they could, but could not put it back as it had been. Panicking slightly at how obvious it must look that someone had gone through it, and yet anxious to get moving, they hurried off down the passage that led to the lift.
It was lighter the closer they got, as more lights seemed to be on closer to the lift. Caty did not have time to consider this, however. She could hear quiet footsteps from behind. A quick look over her shoulder gave nothing away, but she was not appeased – these passages could conceal anything.
“Jason, they’re following us,” she breathed, terrified.
He stopped, put one hand on Caty’s elbow and looked back. His only reaction was a slight narrowing of his eyes.
“Yes,” he agreed silently. “Go.” He pushed Caty in the direction of the lift, which was only about twenty feet away now.
“What?” She could not have heard him right.
“Go!” insisted Jason, louder, his words flowing faster now. “We both know we’ve only got about ten seconds. If I stay, I can hold them off for long enough for you to get away!”
“What?! I’m not leaving you!”
“You have to, Caty! There’s no other way!”
“But... but...”
GO!”
She had no other choice. Her eyes swimming with tears, making it even harder to see than before, she turned and fled into the sanctity of the lift. As the doors were closing, she saw a snapshot of Jason stood in the passage. He was facing her, his expression hopeless as he reached out a hand towards her.
Caty mimicked him, just as she saw movement ahead that was not Jason. And then the doors closed, and the lift was swoosh-ing upwards, taking her away from him.
* * *
Before she could think for too long, Caty opened her eyes onto the most beautiful yet hollow sight she could imagine.
The lift doors opened with a familiar smooth motion, and beyond them was the ground floor lobby of her office block. All of her dreams for the past few nights had featured this scene, in one way or another. They all, however, had featured Jason and Alison. It was incredible how close she now felt to them, as far away as they were, given that just a week before they had barely spoken more than a few words to each other.
A single tear escaped Caty’s over-bright eyes as she surveyed the dark, empty entrance before her. Never, not once, had she felt this alone. The sky beyond the glass wall was city-black. So, Axelander’s days and nights had been wrong – down there, it was supposed to be morning. She could see no stars; the light pollution of street lights and cars blocked out their twinkling. A soft pattering told her that it was raining outside.
Caty walked slowly over to the double doors, pressed the override bar and stepped into the night air. The first thing she noticed was the peaceful smell of the light, English rain. It was like nothing else she had ever encountered. For a moment, it cleared her head, allowed her to smile a small smile.
A black taxi drove quietly past her, the orange sign on its roof shining dimly, and then the road was silent once more. Ambling out into the road, Caty glanced over her shoulder, casting one last look at the building she did not particularly want to enter again.
Her blood ran cold at what she saw.
There was movement in front of where she knew the lift entrance was. Three figures wearing light clothing with eerily pale skin were making their way towards the exit. Towards Caty.
She turned tail and ran as fast as she could down the road, heading for the only place she trusted. Fortunately, it was not too far – still, it was a great enough distance that she arrived out of breath. She hurtled into the police station, heading straight for the desk.
“Please, help me,” she panted. “There are these...” She stopped, waiting for the sergeant to notice her. He was focussed on the paperwork in front of him.
“Hello?” asked Caty uncertainly. He still did not look up. She turned her head around, wondering whether he was deaf. Spotting another policeman in uniform on the other side of the room, she walked over to him and stood right in front of him.
He did not so much as glance up at the sudden arrival of a woman within five feet of him.
Hello!” yelled Caty. Neither the desk sergeant nor the policeman right beside her flinched, and what was happening finally sunk in.
She could not be seen, nor could she be heard. She was invisible.
Here's a story of a brother by the name of Othello,
He liked white women and he liked - green jello... - Reduced Shakespeare Company
  





User avatar
2631 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631
Sun Aug 28, 2011 7:22 pm
Rydia says...



Hi there, team-mate! I am here to give you a review :)

Alright so I have a few comments for you. Since I haven't read the earlier parts, I'm going to make a lot of allowances for any lack of explanations because I'm sure everything has been made clear in the earlier chapters ^^

Chronology

It was on about the fourth day they were there that Caty finally got her chance.

Alison had been lost by the second day. When the lights came on fully to start the new day, Alison had risen with all the others, got to her feet and drifted along with them to the main, circular room.


Alright so you probably want to have a sense of impending action, but the time jump really annoyed me here. One second it seems like you're going to talk about Day four but then by the next line you skim back a couple more days. This only works if you're going to have large sections for each time and switch back and forth, but generally speaking try to tell the story in time order and if you want to hint at things to come use 'later' and 'in time' rather than giving specific days or making it seem like you're going to tell that part of the story now.

Plot

I have to say, I'm really loving your plot. The world is intriguing, the action is good and there's a lot going for this chapter. It appears to be a climax of sorts but you certainly interested me enough that later I might go back and read your earlier chapters. I shall have to try and remember when review day is over ^^

Characters

This was your weakest point. You MC and Axelander weren't too bad but Jason was terribly! He was flat and just a typical hero but I couldn't even put an age to him and none of his dialogue gave away any personality other than the typical 'I am a male and shall save you' complex. He needs more work if he's anything like this in the other chapters.

Descriptions

Some pretty nice descriptions here! It would be nice to have more details so that we can form a stronger picture but you're not doing bad. You've got a good coverage of the senses and I particularly liked your description of when she was back in the lobby and then going out into the rain. Very nice.


Well there you go, remind me to visit the other chapters and once I have a better idea of your story, I'll be able to give you some more thorough advice,

Heather xxx
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.
  





User avatar
60 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2675
Reviews: 60
Sun Aug 28, 2011 10:11 pm
Narnialover4ever1 says...



Good job! I liked this a lot! I read the other ones and I think this is the best yet :)

'However, nobody did anything that required much energy at all so the lack of food was not as bad as it could have been. During what must be daytime – which was when the most number of lights were on – they simply sat on their beds, staring at the sharp, rough stone walls or wandered aimlessly through the messy arrangement of passages. Axelander seemed to be the most vibrant, gliding around with a cheery grin on his face. It would have been so easy to like him, but Caty would not allow herself to. There was something in his absolute sincerity and overt helpfulness that unnerved her. She had always mistrusted passionate religious people, and now was not the time to relinquish her suspicions'

^^^ That part was a little confusing to me but thats probably just me.

Keep writing, your doing great!
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again'

'Look there she goes that girl is so peculiar. I wonder if she's feeling well.
With a dreamy far off look.
And her nose stuck in a book' Something my best friend, Drew, said about me
  








Well, if I can't get this chapter to work....at least I will have exercised my fingers.
— Kaia