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A New Hop in Clyss - Prologue



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Sat Nov 07, 2009 11:48 am
Jenthura says...



Terik wandered through the streets of Seljik; hands in his pockets, jacket collar turned up against the frigid wind that blew up from the dirty sewer: he was the very image of a street-wise Seljikan. His stomach growled as he passed the August diner, but it was with an air of reluctant determination that he pushed the image of greasy food from his mind.

“No more high oil foods,” his doctor had told him. “Your diet is killing you.”

It wasn’t that he was overweight or anything, but there was a dangerous factor in the oil of Seljik that human doctors had yet to explain or understand. It probably had something to do with the fact that most of Seljik’s consumer oil came from the Flabba beast, an alien animal that the first Seljikan colonists bred for food. Whatever the cause, Terik Speedsilver couldn’t eat at the August, but he could at least talk to Cherie –the diner owner and sole cook– for a while; Terik pushed open the doors and entered into relative warmth.

“Whaddaya want, Terik?” Cherie asked from behind the pock-marked, grime-streaked table.

With her spiky red hair and saucy attitude, Cherie had earned the ‘nastiest diner’ award for three years running, but it wasn’t for nothing that they called her the ‘best worst cook’: her food usually brought in a sizable crowd around meal times.

“Just a cup of coffee,” Terik said, smiling weakly. “Black.”

Coffee was one of the few things a diner could buy that didn’t have Flabba-grease in it, but sometimes there were odd-looking specks floating in the dark liquid Cherie claimed was coffee. A minute later a chipped ceramic mug with the faded words ‘World’s Best Dad!’ stenciled on the side appeared on the counter before Terik. A plate with three, stale donuts accompanied the drink, but Terik had promised not to eat any high-grease foods…

Within minutes his coffee was gone and Terik sat there, enjoying the atmosphere of the diner while watching customers slowly trickle into the August as lunchtime approached.

Looking outside, a stranger to Seljik would have hardly known it was lunchtime, passing it off for early morning or late evening, but those that could distinguish themselves –with pride– from those labeled ‘tourists’, knew that it was only the thick smog that arose from the factory sector downtown. Terik had once worked in a factory (before they had switched to a fully-robotic personnel) and knew that within one day enough smoke billowed from the tall stacks of just one factory to ruin the environment of a smaller planet. Thankfully Seljik was ten times larger than Earth (the first planet to be abandoned from overwhelming environment problems) and Flabba beasts helped keep down the amount of carbon monoxide in the air; inhaling it and returning it as helium.

“Hey!” a shout came from across the diner and Terik recognized his old friend, Jix Conan. “Terik!”

As Jix bulled her way through the milling crowd of normal diners, Terik couldn’t help but notice how much she had changed since he had last seen her –three years ago. With hair bleached to a very-pale-verging-on-white-color, perfectly manicured fingernails and skin that was smoother than smooth, Jix didn’t seem to belong to Seljik. But she had the same attitude all Seljikan’s shared: the spirit of belonging; of knowing that no matter who the hell wants you to go, if you want to stay, then they can bloody well try until all Faulk fell.

“Jix,” Terik returned the greeting with a nod. “It’s been a while.”

“Are you hungry?” Jix asked, sitting on a bar stool beside him.

“Nah,” Terik lied. “You?”

“Famished, Cherie, give me a double-large burger.”

Terik watched with envy as Jix bit into the huge monster of a burger that was cooked so ‘rare’ it could’ve gotten up and oozed away –leaving a trail of grease behind. But he couldn’t disobey his doctor, so he ordered another coffee.

“So what’s up in your life now?” he asked, after finishing the second cup. “You been smuggling? Gun-running?”

“Very funny, Terik,” Jix glared at him over her burger. “That’s the old Jix: I’ve got a job as colonist manager on Centre. See the badge?”

Jix tapped a plastic circle on her suit and beamed at Terik. But he only gave her a quizzical look: Centre was the highest-advanced planet in all of Faulk and not one square inch of the planet hadn’t been mapped out and searched thoroughly centuries ago. A colony on Centre was the last thing he expected…other than meeting a Flabba-beast there, of course.

“There’s a colony on Centre?”

“No, they send out colony ships from a base there.”

“And you go with them?”

“Soon will, tomorrow morning we’re leaving for Nifleheim.”

“Nifleheim? But that’s a hundred sectors out of Out!”

“So?”

Terik couldn’t believe his ears: the supposed ‘old’ Jix wasn’t as wild as the ‘new’ one.

“You’re crazy! You and your precious colony will never return!”

“Then why don’t you come along? Your pirate-hunting skills would be a welcome addition to the colony.”

Terik considered two things: one was whether or not he would go with Jix, the other was if she had come all the way to Seljik (two systems away from Centre) just to persuade him to join her colony. The first seemed like a more important considering, but he couldn’t push away the nagging thought that said yes to the second one.

“So will you?” Jix was watching him intently now; her burger was gone and in its place only two pools of yellow grease remained. “You weren’t so bad in an old ‘Ax back in the day.”

Terik fingered the cracked handle to his coffee mug for a few seconds, and then let out a sigh.

“I don’t know, I don’t have anything here on Seljik, and I’d go almost anywhere with you, but…”

“But what?”

“But Nifleheim? You know as well as I do that there’s more than just a few alien trade routes there.”

“We aren’t worried about the aliens, Terik: the company I work with has fitted my ship with everything you can imagine: full cloaking capabilities, 100mm railguns bristling from every nook and cranny of the ship, two whole bays of Sky-scrapers, the works.”

“Sky-scrapers?” everything that had to do with anything about the latest in small space craft interested Terik.

In his days, Sky-scrapers were still prototypes; the HAX-120 (referred to as “The old ‘Ax”) was the preferred vehicle of privateers.

Jix, realizing she’d hit on one of Terik’s few buttons, pressed the matter further.

“Yeah, you can have your own private fighter and personal office onboard; whaddaya say?”

Terik looked over the diner and tried to shut out the growing roar of noise from the diners. Something special held him to this dirty, smelly, dingy place; something that smelled like years of pirate-hunts that always ended with a beer and a burger at the old August. But those days were gone, all the buddies left, Terik’s ‘Ax was gone, the government decommissioned the space-privateers: there was nothing left for Terik on Seljik…

“Alright,” he managed to gasp out. “I’ll do it, how much is in it for me?”

“50.”

“Fifty what?”

“50K for every week we spend in stellar, 20K for the help you give on planets between traveling: room and board are free.”

Terik nodded, that was good enough for him.

“Perfect,” Jix said, rapping her white knuckles on the counter to call for Cherie. “I’ll order a beer to celebrate.”
-ж-Ж-ж-
  





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Sun Nov 08, 2009 6:23 pm
Cotton says...



Hiya! First off, your writing style is gorgeous. I love it. It's clean cut, descriptive in all the right places but never too much, and you have an interesting, subtle sense of humour that leaches into your words.
Second off, is this right to be in Action/Adventure? I get the sense that it is, from the ending, but since it's set on another planet and (by the sounds of it) into the future, maybe it would be better suited in Science-Fiction? Something to think about anyway.

So, there is very VERY little for me to mention, really. But there are literally one or two things, so to help you here they are:

Whatever the cause, Terik Speedsilver couldn’t eat at the August, but he could at least talk to Cherie –the diner owner and sole cook– for a while;

You do this a lot. You need another space after "-"s: "...talk to Cherie - the diner owner and sole cook - for a while;"


“Hey!” a shout came from across the diner and Terik recognized his old friend, Jix Conan. “Terik!”

I think ""Hey!" The shout came..." would sound better.


“Jix,” Terik returned the greeting with a nod.

I think ""Jix." Terik returned..." is right, probably because the "Terik returned the greeting with a nod" isn't describing what he's said.


“Famished, Cherie, give me a double-large burger.”

Wouldn't: ""Famished - Cherie, give me a double-large burger." sound more like speech?


“You’re crazy! You and your precious colony will never return!”

Would he say "precious" so soon? I don't think you need it here. Maybe "doomed" or something of that ilk would be better.

All in all, what a great start! Sometime this week I will make a point of reviewing your next part, if I get time! Maybe not until next weekend... PM me if you have any questions or when you post another part!!
~*cottonrulz*~
Here's a story of a brother by the name of Othello,
He liked white women and he liked - green jello... - Reduced Shakespeare Company
  





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Sun Nov 08, 2009 7:14 pm
mikedb1492 says...



Terik wandered through the streets of Seljik; hands in his pockets, jacket collar turned up against the frigid wind that blew up from the dirty sewer: he was the very image of a street-wise Seljikan.

Just so you know, you're using your colons and semicolons completely wrong. Comma instead of the semicolon after Seljik and a period instead of a colon after sewer. Things like semicolons and colons aren't very necessary.

Terik Speedsilver couldn’t eat at the August, but he could at least talk to Cherie –the diner owner and sole cook– for a while; Terik pushed open the doors and entered into relative warmth.

Use commas instead of hyphens. Also, period instead of semicolon.

“Whaddaya want, Terik?” Cherie asked from behind the pock-marked, grime-streaked table.

With her spiky red hair and saucy attitude, Cherie had earned the ‘nastiest diner’ award for three years running, but it wasn’t for nothing that they called her the ‘best worst cook’: her food usually brought in a sizable crowd around meal times.

First, "pock-marked" doesn't feel right when describing a table. Perhaps a teenager's face, but not a table. Also, when you say "table" it's not nearly as descriptive as, for example, "counter". A little thing you can always do is make the noun as descriptive as possible by itself. Just as an example, instead of saying something like "he stepped into the room", you could say "he stepped into the A)parlor B)foyer C)etc". Same concept here. It's no longer a "table", which could be any of the tables customers are served at, but a "counter", a "grime-streaked" one at that. Now we're talking.
Alright, next you need a semicolon instead of a colon after "cook". One of the semicolon's uses is to replace periods to connect two sentences with the latter explaining the first, such as the situation you have above.
Lastly, you can combine these two paragraphs if you want.
Coffee was one of the few things a diner could buy that didn’t have Flabba-grease in it,

You have a bit of a misunderstanding here. It says "Coffee was one of the few things a diner could buy". This implies the August diner itself is buying it. Instead write "Coffee was one of the few things at a diner you could buy". Also, I wouldn't refer to those who go to the August as "diners", which is explains the mixup here. Call them customers or patrons or something else.
Also, no hyphen between "Flabba" and "grease".

Flabba beasts helped keep down the amount of carbon monoxide in the air; inhaling it and returning it as helium.

Comma instead of a semicolon.
she had changed since he had last seen her –three years ago.

No hyphen. Also, I would give a concrete reason right now as to why it's been so long since they've seen each other. I know you explain later, but now would be opportune.

But she had the same attitude all Seljikan’s shared: the spirit of belonging; of knowing that no matter who the hell wants you to go, if you want to stay, then they can bloody well try until all Faulk fell

Commas instead of colons and semicolons.
Also, no apostrophe in Seljikans. An apostrophe shows possession.

“Famished, Cherie, give me a double-large burger.”

Terik watched with envy as Jix bit into the huge monster of a burger that was cooked so ‘rare’ it could’ve gotten up and oozed away –leaving a trail of grease behind. But he couldn’t disobey his doctor, so he ordered another coffee.

Wow, instant burger. Sorry, but it's too sudden. You need to write about Cherie actually getting the burger. It can't just magically appear in Jix's hands.
Period instead of comma after "Famished". The way it's written makes it sound like she's telling Cherie she's famished instead of answering Terik's question.
Take away the apostraphes around "rare".
Comma instead of hyphen after "away".
Jix tapped a plastic circle on her suit and beamed at Terik. But he only gave her a quizzical look: Centre was the highest-advanced planet in all of Faulk and not one square inch of the planet hadn’t been mapped out and searched thoroughly centuries ago.

Combine the first two sentences. The first is too short to start the second with "But".
Lastly, use a period instead of a colon after "look". You could use a semicolon, but that would lengthen the sentence as a whole too much.

“There’s a colony on Centre?”

“No, they send out colony ships from a base there.”

“And you go with them?”

“Soon will, tomorrow morning we’re leaving for Nifleheim.”

“Nifleheim? But that’s a hundred sectors out of Out!”

“So?”

First, change "Soon will" to just "soon" and put a period. It works better. You need to start watching your dialogue because you tend to let the sentences run into each other too much with commas.
Next, and most important, this dialogue is too... thin. It's just the dialogue itself without any other description. This is fine on occasion, but here it just feels like not much is happening. You need to give your characters some action! Have Jix wiping Flabba oil from her cheek, make her use a napkin or take a drink from a soda, have Terik take a sip of his coffee, have it burn his tongue, make him blow the hot liquid or perhaps pluck out those "flecks" that sometimes show up in it. Don't use all of these because that would be excessive, but use a couple and make up your own so that this scene feels more dynamic. It will make your dialogue far more effective.

Terik couldn’t believe his ears: the supposed ‘old’ Jix wasn’t as wild as the ‘new’ one.

I don't know if calling the new Jix more wild is the right way to do this. I mean seriously, the old one was a smuggler, a gun-runner... That's pretty wild. Now she's part of an official organization and she's has a badge. Although her new job may be more dangerous, it certainly isn't more wild. If anything it's prim and proper compared to her previous job. Maybe you could write something along the lines of "Terik knew Jix was gutsy, but this was suicidal!"
But those days were gone, all the buddies left, Terik’s ‘Ax was gone, the government decommissioned the space-privateers: there was nothing left for Terik on Seljik…

I can't explain what's wrong, so I'll just rewrite it. "But those days were gone. All the buddies had left, Terik's 'Ax was gone, and the government had decommissioned the space privateers. There was nothing left for Terik on Seljik."
As a side note, I feel like your uses of the triple period (such as after "Seljik") actually hurts some points your writing is trying to make. From what I've seen, I'd suggest taking them all out, but I'll leave that choice to you.
Just to explain what I mean, I'll use the last one as an example. "There was nothing left for Terik on Seljik." That's a very conclusive statement, and it works well. By adding the triple period, you suggest hesitation, where it would be more effective to not do so. Do you kind of get what I'm getting at? Anyway,like I said, I'll let you decide if you want to keep them or not.
“Alright,” he managed to gasp out. “I’ll do it, how much is in it for me?”

"He managed to gasp out" doesn't feel right. Just picture it in your head. Imagine him gasping out that answer. It looks kind of ridiculous, right?
Also, period instead of comma. This is another example of how you let your sentences run into each other with commas. Watch for it.

Overall, despite my lengthy critique (I'm very picky... sorry), I really enjoyed this. I believe your biggest strength is your characters. They stand out and are interesting, especially Jix. She seems like a lot of fun. Terik as well. Just watch out for the use of colons, semicolons, and hyphens and you should be fine. I'm already quite interested in what happens next.

Just a side note, though, unless chapter one takes place years after this or the prologue is a setup to the plot line of another set of characters, this isn't a prologue. It's more of a chapter 1.

Anyway, good job. It was a good read.
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Sun Nov 08, 2009 8:49 pm
xDudettex says...



Hey =]

I don't think there's any real point in me attempting to review this properly - mainly because the other reviewers have done such a great job already.

I very rarely find myself venturing into the Action/Adventure folder on YWS, but I'm glad I did today :) Your writing style is lovely, making your work easy and enjoyable to read. I wish I had the imagination to make up my own planetary system, too. I really do envy you there :wink:

The only thing that I would say, is that I think this is a tad too long to be a prologue. I'd maybe make this the first chapter or something.

Overall though, you already have me intrigued and ready to read more!

I'm sorry that this hasn't been a very helpful review, but I just feel that praise needs to be dealt where it's deserved :)

I look forward to reading on.

xDudettex
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Mon Nov 09, 2009 7:04 pm
Cotton says...



Hiya, me again. Sorry, but there was something I forgot to mention, because I'd read it before but then I came back to your story later on and was so blown-away by what happened next I completely forgot.
Right, you say that the Flabba beasts take in carbon monoxide (CO) and release helium (He). Chemically speaking, this isn't very energy-efficient, because to get helium from carbon monoxide the animal would have to use a lot of energy to break the atom down, as 'He' is a lot smaller in atomic mass than either 'C' or 'O'. Hydrogen is commonly converted into helium in the universe (in stars mainly), so that might be an option, or else have a look on a periodic table and just go nuts with the non-metal end; it's a whole new planet with a whole new ecosystem: be adventurous!! I love doing that...
~*cottonrulz*~
Here's a story of a brother by the name of Othello,
He liked white women and he liked - green jello... - Reduced Shakespeare Company
  





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Fri Nov 13, 2009 6:37 pm
Raziel says...



Although I am not much interested on the story (yet), your writing style is just amazing. :D

There are few things that need to be worked out, but I see that all the others already explained you (as the comma problem, or when Terik said “… precious colony…”).

I love the way you describe things – just the right amount. I will read the next chapters as soon as I can, to see if how the story will continue.

Keep writing, while I keep reading (and criticizing)! :twisted:
  





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Tue Mar 02, 2010 1:07 am
StoryWeaver13 says...



They've already picked at the grammar and stuff (which is good, 'cause I hate doing that anyway) so no need to reiterate. Cool story, normally not my style AT ALL but you wrote it so well that I had to keep reading!...Hmm, might have to read the other chapters too...Oh, yeah, that reminds me of something else! This is just an opinion, but I'd make this chapter one instead of the prologue, it's kinda long and unless there's some serious distance between this time and the next chapter, it really doesn't need to be a prologue. I dunno though, like I said, haven't read the other chapters so I don't know how it'd flow anyway. Your call. :wink: Overall though, awesome story that's got me hooked; you can write man!
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Fri Oct 22, 2010 12:31 pm
Alexxa says...



Hi!

I definitely agree with the others that your writing is fabulous! In this genre, only proper descriptive words can make it more appealing-which you did! So, Congratulations!

It is too long, though, for a prologue. Maybe you can trim it up a little bit then we'll see how it goes. But if it's really the kind of length you want for a prologue, that's definitely up to you!

I like the characters and I think they are easy to like and easy to understand. They sound real and very much alive.

I advise that you keep on writing because you're very good at it!

Will read the chapters and will get back to you soon!

Smiles,
Alexxa
Smiles,
Alexxa

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Percy fell face-first into his pizza.
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