Young Writers Society

When Erik was only eight he was unfortunate enough to be robbed of something precious ,his family, someone who would love and protect him no matter what he did...
"Come on Erik," his foster mother called from downstairs. His light brown hair slightly rustled when he let out an annoyed sigh.
[i]"I don't know why she even bothers to keep me here,she doesn't care what happens to me as long as I do whatever she says,"Erik thought to himself grimly.[i] He walked silently and obediently down the carpeted stairs to stand before his foster father...
"Susan, get this boy a haircut while you're out,he looks like a girl," his foster father complained.
" I didn't know I had a foster sister," Ethan teased adding to the fuel that fed his boiling rage.
"I have a name," Erik mumbled under his breath.
"What did you say?" his 'father' demanded.
"Don't do this Jared, the boy likes his hair long leave him be," Susan ordered.Jared's hand struck her across the face, he raised his hand to strike her again but Erik intercepted the slap.
"Don't hit her," Erik growled. Jared laughed and wrenched his wrist from Erik's steely grip.
"What are you going to do about it?" Jared demanded.
"Enough!" Susan screamed before the two could start throwing punches.
"Get the boy a hair cut while you're out," Jared ordered and walked away into the living room followed by his son.
As soon as they were in the blue Ford Escape Erik looked at the red hand print that covered half of her face...
"You should get away from him," Erik commented. Susan looked at him incredulously.
"Was that not enough of a demonstration that he would kill me if I tried to leave him?" she demanded sounding more like a wounded child than a mature adult.
"I wouldn't let him do that," Erik returned.
"Why do you care?" Susan demanded.
"I've seen a lot of things in my life, a lot of ugly things," Erik answered. Susan wasn't going to let it alone.
"What things?" she inquired.

Hi! I'm Narniafreak!

First I'd like to say that there wasn't a lot to go on for this piece. It was a bit short and I was a little confused.

The first sentence is really long and a bit confusing. He's four but he has an innocent outlook on life he lost at age eight? Well, he's going to have that outlook if he's still four. Also, it kind of doesn't give us a whole lot besides his family was gone. You could maybe explain this more thorough to give the readers a hint at what happened.

Next, you use <> to say what he's thinking, but usually it's easier to just use italics because it's easier to see that it's different. At the top of the box you "write" the story in is a few buttons to use. One has a little i on it that you just highlight what needs to be italicized and press it.

A few times the story is kind of left off, as if parts of sentences are missing.

" I didn't know I had a foster brother," Ethan teased adding to the fuel that

Jared's hand struck her across the face, he raised his hand to strike her again but Erik intercepted the slap...

Some other little things don't really make sense together, but I'm sure you can fix them just by revising a little. However you leave the piece hanging at what I'm sure is a very important part. What happens when Erik intercepts Jared's slap?? That last line made the story get interesting along with hopefully finding out what happened to Erik's real family.

-Narniafreak!

OK first off I think you had some fantastic dialogue there that really brought the characters to life. Secondly I was wondering in the first few lines I saw [

i]"I don't know why she even bothers to keep me here,she doesn't care what happens to me as long as I do whatever she says,"Erik thought to himself grimly

.I was wondering what the little [i] meant. Other than that I think that although it was short there is bound to be some good stuff coming from this story.

Keep up with the story

Hi, PenNPaper here to review!

he raised his hand to strike her again but Erik intercepted the slap...

I don't see a need for the '...'

"Was that not an example of what I would do to him if he hurt you?" Erik returned...

Same for this one.

Okay, this story was pretty good, you did miss out some spaces and commas though. Also, there are no need for the '...' where it is unnecessary. Am I supposed to read another part of the story before this one, because the beginning doesn't really makes sense.

When Erik was eight he was unfortunate enough to be robbed of something more precious,his family

The phrase 'more precious' makes it seem that he was robbed before. As I said, I may not have read a previous chapter of this. If there isn't, this wouldn't really be necessary. You could just have said. 'When Erik was eight he was very unfortunate to be robbed of something precious to him, his family'.

Also, who is Ethan? Is he Erik's foster brother? You didn't mentioned anything about it. Most readers will naturally assume that Ethan is Erik's 'brother'. You need to clarify it. Overall, this story looks good to me, but you ended it quite abruptly, I was expecting it to continue. Ending it there really doesn't seem right. I suggest you edit it without the minor errors and carry on the story where you can end it with a cliffhanger, so readers will want to read on. Get what I mean?

Good luck and keep writing, bye!

Nice one. Is Susan his foster mother?

I like it so far. You did leave us hanging at a crucial part, though.

How old is Erik now? You said he was robbed of his parents at 8, but how much time has passed since? You should include that somewhere.

This story has potential, though. Keep writing

Thank you. all of the comments and critiques.

hey there!

thought i would return the favor by searching and reviewing your work so here it is!

the whole story left me hanging for more details into it... like, how old eric is at the story? and this part

L5na2 wrote:[i]"I don't know why she even bothers to keep me here,she doesn't care what happens to me as long as I do whatever she says

but concerns himself with her with this dialogue,

L5na2 wrote:"I wouldn't let him do that," Erik returned.

i just find it contradicting or maybe it's just me!

still, i think it's a good start! ^^

Hey there! Classy here to review.

Grammar

I'm not one to point out grammar, but I would just like to tell you that a lot of your commas are misplaced a bit. Just a few mistakes like this:

When Erik was only eight he was unfortunate enough to be robbed of something precious ,his family,

The first comma's the one I'm worried about. Shouldn't be too hard to fix, right?

Characters

Some things you wrote are not very realistic. And that's fine. I'm not going to tell you what or what not to put in your story, just wanted to tell you that:

"Why do you care?" Susan demanded.

This is a little immature sounding to come from a mother, especially to a son she just adopted. Both parents seem like they don't really want the kid. Why would someone adopt a kid if they don't want him? That just means more money. It would make a bit more sense if the 'foster parents' were his uncle and aunts or something like that. That way, he would be forced to be with him, and they would be forced to take him.

" I didn't know I had a foster sister,"

This is hilarious! Even though this is his only line, it sounds perfect for the character of the 'brother' that you're going for. Well done!

Plot

Like I said before, the 'foster parents' adopting him just doesn't fit. Also, parents are checked out before they adopt. They have to be stable, and have enough money, so keep that in mind.

I like where this is going, and I like the speed. You are going to introduce your character's story in the second part, which is good.

I do want you to know that there are a lot of stories about 'dream worlds' and though cliche's aren't necessarily a bad thing, you might want to steer away from dragons and talking animals, unless you use them in an interesting and original way, of course, which you are perfectly capable of doing!

grabber

I want you to pay more attention to your opening sentence. It's a bit boring, and not very attention grabbing. Grabber sentences are usually much more interesting (in my opinion) when they don't include the main character's name or age, so keep that in mind. You want to pull us in with an awesome opening statement! Like a conflict that may rise later in the story (which it looks like you have in the next paragraph).


You have a lot of potential with this, I can see it already! Keep writing.

Questions/comments, PM me.

Classy

Interesting. But a few problems:

...robbed of something precious ,his family, someone...

...[i]"I don't know why she even bothers to keep me here,she doesn't care what happens to me as long as I do whatever she says,"Erik...

You have a lot of run-on sentences, and a lot of problems with punctuation. You need to put a space after the comma, no matter where they are in the sentence. Otherwise, it's a jumbled line that has little meaning to it because an incorrect mark disrupts it all.

But it was still interesting. A little short, but I understand the briefness: you want to keep us attentive.

hey good job on the story. it was kinda intresting really but as soon as i read this chapter i was reminded of harry potter. i don't know why but it just did. well anyway here is the review:

"Don't do this Jared, the boy likes his hair long leave him be," Susan ordered

there should be a comma before 'leave him be'. also the story implies that susan was scared of the father so i don't think that 'ordered' would be the right word.

"Don't hit her," Erik growled. Jared laughed and wrenched his wrist from Erik's steely grip.
"What are you going to do about it?" Jared demanded.
"Enough!" Susan screamed before the two could start throwing punches.
"Get the boy a hair cut while you're out," Jared ordered and walked away into the living room followed by his son.

this part was really nice cause you were able to really kinda show instead of tell what was going on. nice one!!

"What things?" she inquired.

okay, to me this part was to not really the greatest ending. but still i have to say i really like your dialogue, its very life-like.

and thats all i was able to pick out, but i would really want to read the next chapter. good job!!

Hey, I really liked this!

I don't know if you are going to turn this into anything more, but this would be a good start for a novel. I just have a couple of questions

What does the [i] thing stand for? It's kind of confusing and it makes your story seem unprofessional :p
I would normally give a longer critique, but I don't really have much to go on here. I totally think you should continue this!!!