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Chapter 2 of Beggining of a Novel



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Tue Dec 06, 2005 3:51 am
Twitch111 says...



This the next chapter in the novel I was working on. Thanks to the replies I was able to continue. Thanks for your help. Hope you like it. :P If you have ideas for a title please tell me. :lol:

Tom rode back. He jumped off Clerriek, and landed sending pain shooting up his leg. He looked around, and saw the woman. He walked to her.
“Can I help in any way,” he asked her noticing that she was about his age maybe a couple years younger.
She looked up and smiled at him. She glanced at his leg and a frown appeared on her face. “With that leg you won’t,” she said, “let me bandage it up.”
“Others need healing more than me,” replied stubbornly.
“Those that I can help I already have except for you, and you would be no help to others by dying of an infection,” she said.
Tom sat down and let her bandage him up. She did it quickly and expertly. Tom noticed something on her shoulder. He looked closely and noticed it was the Healer’s mark. He also noticed there was a gash on her shoulder.
“There you go,” she said.
“You should heal your shoulder you know,” he said.
“Oh that,” she said laughing, “I almost forgot. Could you smear this ointment on it.”
She gave him a small jar that contained ointment. He quickly spread this on the slash on her shoulder.
“Now press this bandage on it,” she ordered him.
He pressed it on her shoulder and it surprisingly stuck.
“So, what is your name?” he asked hesitantly.
“Akaira,” she answered smiling.
Tom saw his father coming and smiled at him. The girl stood and tried to straighten the torn dress as much as she could. She also tried to organize her hair.
“Thank you for all your help,” Tom’s father told the girl smiling, “If you have no where to stay the inn will like to offer you a room and warm meals.”
“Oh thank you that would be wonderful,” the girl replied gratitude showing on her face.
“I see you have met my youngest son Tom,” his father told her.
“Formally no, but he was quiet a help to day,” she said.
“Well come on lets not stand in your way of a good nights rest any longer,” his father said walking towards the inn. Tom and the girl followed.

**************************************************************************************

After she had charged down the hill she had brought the Healer back to the center of town. There she had been swamped with people needing healing. She now lay in a bed the village inn had provided her.
I should be asleep she thought to herself.
Her thoughts had been keeping her up.
She kept on thinking why did I rush to help the man? It was stupid.
I could have died. But some thing had seemed to pull her towards the man. It was like the world would end if he died.
Who am I kidding? I must have imagined it. With that thought she fell back asleep.
She had a dream she had many times during her childhood. In the dream Audrie welcomed a fellow Healer into the cottage. While having super, the woman had been looking into her glass of water, the woman froze and began to speak to Akaira. “Girl you must find the Starling, or all will be lost. When found, if found, your paths will be paved with the blood and pain, but your paths are not certain. If they are chosen correctly the world will be saved. If not chosen well we will all be torn to pieces. If need be give your own life for the rest. That is all I can tell.” After that the dream would fade only leaving a feeling of memory.

*****************************************************************

Akaira woke and got dressed. She got into her normal clothing. She wore her hair into a long braid that hung down her back. She left her room and went down stairs. There she met the family. Tom was there with his three brothers. His face split into a smile when he saw her.
She sat down at the table. Tom’s mother served her some flapjacks.
“They are going to come back to make sure the healer is dead. You should hide, and I will have to go so I don’t cause any trouble for you,” she said.
“Why are you in such a hurry?” Tom asked looking surprised.
“Those soldiers are looking for me, and I need to warn the other villages,” she replied.
“Let us send some one with you,” Tom’s father, Jack, said.
“It will be dangerous, and don’t want any one to get hurt,” Akaira replied looking worried.
“We will find some one suitable,” he said.

******************************************************************************************************

Jack sat in his study. Worry gnawed at him. A young girl like that shouldn't’t be doing this. Some one more experienced should, and Tom wanted to go. True he had the requirements, but like the girl, he was to young. He wanted to go, but he was getting old. He had had enough adventure in his time.
Tom seemed very interested in the girl. She was pretty in her own way, but Tom could have any girl in the town ,and quite a few of those were beautiful. The girl was different, some thing like Tom. Neither of them seemed to blend in. The girl wasn't’t exotic like Tom. She was just different. He needed to know why Tom was so interested in her.
He called Tom into his office.
“Why do you want to go, and why are you so interested in the girl?” Jack asked.
Tom’s eyes widened slightly at the suddenness of the question.
“Well, I want to see other people, and I want to help them,” Tom replied with a touch of anger slipping out at the end.
" What about the girl?” Jack asked again.
“I don’t really know. She just seems right, and well she is kind of like me you know, how I don’t look like every one else, she doesn't’t blend in either. Plus, she doesn't’t fuss over me like a blind fool. And she seems capable of doing what is necessary, but we all need some one to watch our back, and want to watch hers. She also seems kind. Please Father it is what is necessary,” Tom replied.
“What isn't’t necessary is for you to go Tom. Some one else can go instead,” Jack said anger rising in his voice.
Tom stood up.
“You can’t keep me here. I can go, and you can’t stop me. No one can stop me," Tom said storming out.
Tom had always had a temper but usually had a better hold on it than that. I can’t stop him. I am not even his real father. Sadness built up in side of him. Tom was grown and needed to know the truth.
He called in Tom again.
“I’m sorry, I didn't’t need to lose my temper,” Tom said as he stepped into the office.
Jack looked at Tom.
“I am going to let you go if Akaira does. I also need to tell you the truth about your heritage,” Jack said.
Tom froze.
“ I found you abandoned on a field and took you in. I do not know who your parents are. I am sorry,” Jack told him.
Shock painted Tom’s face. “You can go tell Akaira you are going with her, but remember even if you were of Emily’s and my blood we would have loved you the same as we do now, and ever will,” Jack said slowly.
Tom stood up the shock still on his face.
“Thank you,” he said, and walked out of the room a tad unsteadily.
Jack shook his head sadness taking over him. Oh why had he said yes. Oh why.

******************************************************************************************************

Tom walked up the staircase. Automatically walking to Akaira’s room. Shock covered any other thought. He reached her door, and opened it with out knocking. She was there packing. She turned around at the sound of the door opening. She was about to yell at him when she saw his face.
She quickly herded him into a chair.
“Are you OK?” she asked.
His face was white and, he looked like he was about to sick up. He began to say some thing but his voice was to hoarse to hear. She gave him a couple of sips of water. He cleared his throat.
“My father, I mean Jack, has allowed me to go with you on your adventure.
Akaira stared at him, but quickly recovered.
‘Did you want to go?’ she asked him.
“Yes,” he said looking dazed.
“Then what is bothering you, and why are you calling your father Jack,’ she asked.
“He isn't’t my father, and that is what is bothering me. I don’t even know who my real parents are,” he said .
She looked at him. There was a look of lose on his face so great that she just wanted to hug him and comfort him, but she had another idea. Fresh air usually helped people feel better.
“Let’s go for a ride,” she said
He looked up startled.
“What for?” he asked.
“It will make you feel better,” she said while dragging him out of the chair and out of the house.
She set Clerriek and Lira up. Tom mounted his Clerriek, and Akaira mounted her Lira. She led them to the woods were there were calming sounds.
“Tom, nothing has changed really. Jack is still your father. He is the one that raised you and taught you how to behave that is what matters,” Akaira told him.
“Look I don’t know who my parents are either if that makes you feel any better,” she said trying to draw him out of his mood.
He looked up from his saddle.
“Really?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said.
“Who raised you?” he asked her getting interested.
“Healer Audrie,” she replied.
“So you became an apprentice and is now a full Healer. It must have been great. Every one likes Healers,” he said sounding perkier.
Akaira laughed. It was not exactly a pleasant laugh either. It sounded pained and forced. Tom looked at her puzzled. Her eyes were starting to fill with tears, but vanished making
  





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Mon Dec 12, 2005 8:24 pm
Tara says...



Twitch111 wrote: Tom rode back. He jumped off Clerriek, and landed sending pain shooting up his leg. He looked around, and saw the woman. He walked to her.
“Can I help in any way,” he asked her noticing that she was about his age maybe a couple years younger.
She looked up and smiled at him. She glanced at his leg and a frown appeared on her face. “With that leg you won’t,” she said, “let me bandage it up.”


I think what I noticed the most about this was the sentence structure. It's not bad, but it's a bit weak. You might want to consider switching around the way your words are written. It's not always easy, of course, but it makes the story sturdier. For example, 'and landed sending pain shooting up his leg,' could also be said, 'pain shooting up his leg as he landed. (That wasn't a suggestion, just an example of what I meant by switching around the words.) Also, put a comma between the words 'her' and 'noticed.'

Twitch111 wrote: “Others need healing more than me,” replied stubbornly.
“Those that I can help I already have except for you, and you would be no help to others by dying of an infection,” she said.

Tom sat down and let her bandage him up. She did it quickly and expertly. Tom noticed something on her shoulder. He looked closely and noticed it was the Healer’s mark. He also noticed there was a gash on her shoulder.


Ok, here you're rushing things a bit too much. Her sentence was a bit of a run-on sentence. Try adding more text, and more punctuation.

Twitch111 wrote: Tom saw his father coming and smiled at him. The girl stood and tried to straighten the torn dress as much as she could. She also tried to organize her hair.
“Thank you for all your help,” Tom’s father told the girl smiling, “If you have no where to stay the inn will like to offer you a room and warm meals.”
“Oh thank you that would be wonderful,” the girl replied gratitude showing on her face.
“I see you have met my youngest son Tom,” his father told her.
“Formally no, but he was quiet a help to day,” she said.
“Well come on lets not stand in your way of a good nights rest any longer,” his father said walking towards the inn. Tom and the girl followed.


Again, add more text. Don't rush things. Readers will get confused if you skip around too much. Pay attention to detail and description. 'She also tried to organize her hair' sounds a bit off to me. Try dropping the also, and going into more detail about what she did...use adjectives.

Twitch111 wrote: She wore her hair into a long braid that hung down her back.


Replace 'into' with 'in.'


All right, pretty much the same suggestions throughout the rest of the story. Examine your sentence structure, add more details and description, and don't skip around so quickly. You should also probably re-read it a few times out loud to yourself. That will help you when it comes to finding things about the way its written that you want to change. There is some punctuation missing, and a few words that don't fit. This is a good story, and so far I like it. :D I hope you'll keep writing it, I'd like to see where it goes.
"You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun." -Al Capone
  





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Mon Dec 12, 2005 10:53 pm
Griffinkeeper says...



He jumped off Clerriek, and landed sending pain shooting up his leg. He looked around, and saw the woman.


No commas before "and", if there are only two things being combined.

“If you have no where to stay the inn will like to offer you a room and warm meals.”


It should be more like:
If you have no where to stay, the inn will like to offer you a room and warm meals.”
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Mon Dec 12, 2005 11:14 pm
Misty says...



hmm...it wouldn't help much if I said it wasn't well written and didn't capture my attention in even the vaguest sense, would it?It's really quite poorly written, it's like a list. And not even a very interesting list. Look:

1. Akaira woke and got dressed.
2. She got into her normal clothing.
3.She wore her hair into a long braid that hung down her back. *btw, doesn't all long hair hang down your back?
4. She left her room and went down stairs.
5. There she met the family. Tom was there with his three brothers.
6. His face split into a smile when he saw her.
7. She sat down at the table.
8. Tom’s mother served her some flapjacks.

Do you see why this is a problem? No one cares about a list of what a character they don't like, understand, or relate to does when she gets up. If you want to see some example's of great writing, go check out Sam's stuff. She's your age and she's got daily routine of a character down PAT. I suggest you look at her NaNoWriMo Survivors of Math 217 in the NaNoWriMo section or look at some other stuff in other fiction. You could learn a lot from her.
  





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Wed Dec 14, 2005 1:52 am
Brian says...



As a note, you should always provide the reader with a summary of what has happened before when posting a chapter 2. Had to go back and reread chapter 1, I did!

I think that so far you are doing a good job with this. The daily routine stuff should be toned down some, but you're working on a novel here and I expect there'll be very little of it in chapters to come.

But I would like to point a style issue:
"After she had charged down the hill she had brought the Healer back to the center of town. There she had been swamped with people needing healing. She now lay in a bed the village inn had provided her. "
This is just an example, but it's indicative of your entire writing style. That is, you go from one sentence to another without any real transition. You're just saying, "and then, and then, and then, and then," over and over. It's also very confusing to read since you're not describing what's going on in between. So just spend more time describing stuff. Think of what you're thinking of, then put that into words as best as possible.

So far, I like this story. It's interesting, and you have me intrigued so far. It'll be good to read more of this.
If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them.
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But answer me this: how can a story end happily if there is no love?
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