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Beggining of a Novel Chapter 2, revised



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Tue Dec 20, 2005 3:10 am
Twitch111 says...



Thanks to all the people who checked the original version I was able to make it allot better. Hope you like. :D

In the chapter before a girl named Akaira is raised to a Healer, but her village is attacked and Healer Audrie died. She goes off to warn the other villages a and meets Tom, a man a about her age who looks different than others like her.

Tom rode back. He jumped off Clerriek, and landed sending pain shooting up his leg. He looked around, and saw the woman. He walked to her.
“Can I help in any way,” he asked her noticing that she was about his age maybe a couple years younger.
She looked up and smiled at him. She glanced at his leg and a frown appeared on her face. “With that leg you won’t,” she said, “let me bandage it up.”
“Others need healing more than me,” replied stubbornly.
“Those that I can help I already have except for you, and you would be no help to others by dying of an infection,” she said.
Tom sat down and let her bandage him up. She did it quickly and expertly. Tom noticed something on her shoulder. He looked closely and noticed it was the Healer’s mark. He also noticed there was a gash on her shoulder.
“There you go,” she said.
“You should heal your shoulder you know,” he said.
“Oh that,” she said laughing, “I almost forgot. Could you smear this ointment on it.”
She gave him a small jar that contained ointment. He quickly spread this on the slash on her shoulder.
“Now press this bandage on it,” she ordered him.
He pressed it on her shoulder and it surprisingly stuck.
“So, what is your name?” he asked hesitantly.
“Akaira,” she answered smiling.
Tom saw his father coming and smiled at him. The girl stood and tried to straighten the torn dress as much as she could. She also tried to organize her hair.
“Thank you for all your help,” Tom’s father told the girl smiling, “If you have no where to stay the inn will like to offer you a room and warm meals.”
“Oh thank you that would be wonderful,” the girl replied gratitude showing on her face.
“I see you have met my youngest son Tom,” his father told her.
“Formally no, but he was quiet a help to day,” she said.
“Well come on lets not stand in your way of a good nights rest any longer,” his father said walking towards the inn. Tom and the girl followed.

**************************************************************************************

After she had charged down the hill she had brought the Healer back to the center of town. There she had been swamped with people needing healing. She now lay in a bed the village inn had provided her.
I should be asleep she thought to herself.
Her thoughts had been keeping her up.
She kept on thinking why did I rush to help the man? It was stupid.
I could have died. But some thing had seemed to pull her towards the man. It was like the world would end if he died.
Who am I kidding? I must have imagined it. With that thought she fell back asleep.
She had a dream she had many times during her childhood. In the dream Audrie welcomed a fellow Healer into the cottage. While having super, the woman had been looking into her glass of water, the woman froze and began to speak to Akaira. “Girl you must find the Starling, or all will be lost. When found, if found, your paths will be paved with the blood and pain, but your paths are not certain. If they are chosen correctly the world will be saved. If not chosen well we will all be torn to pieces. If need be give your own life for the rest. That is all I can tell.” After that the dream would fade only leaving a feeling of memory.

*****************************************************************

She sat down at the table. Tom’s mother served her some flapjacks.
“They are going to come back to make sure the healer is dead. You should hide her, and I will have to go as soon as possible so I not cause any trouble for you,” she said.
“Why are you in such a hurry?” Tom asked looking surprised.
“Those soldiers are looking for me, and I need to warn the other villages,” she replied.
“Let us send some one with you,” Tom’s father, Jack, said.
“It will be dangerous, and don’t want any one to get hurt,” Akaira replied looking worried.
“We will find some one suitable,” he said.

******************************************************************************************************
Tom went to his father’s study. He knocked on the door. On the other side he heard his father and his mother arguing. The yelling stopped and his mother walked through the door. “Come in,” his father yelled. Tom came in and sat down. Before his father could say anything he said “Father I want to go.” “Go where?” his father replied, shuffling through papers. “I want to help Akaira, and I do have all the requirements. I can use multiple weapons. I can survive in the wilderness, and well I am young and healthy,” Tom said. His father looked at him. Worry showed in his eyes. “I will think on it,” he said, and continued looking at the papers.

******************************************************************************************************

Jack sat in his study. Worry gnawed at him. A young girl like that shouldn't’t be doing this. Some one more experienced should, and Tom wanted to go. True he had the requirements, but like the girl, he was to young. He wanted to go, but he was getting old. He had had enough adventure in his time.
Tom seemed very interested in the girl. She was pretty in her own way, but Tom could have any girl in the town ,and quite a few of those were beautiful. The girl was different, some thing like Tom. Neither of them seemed to blend in. The girl wasn't’t exotic like Tom. She was just different. He needed to know why Tom was so interested in her.
He called Tom into his office. “Why do you want to go, and why are you so interested in the girl?” Jack asked. Tom’s eyes widened slightly at the suddenness of the question. “Well, I want to see other people, and I want to help them,” Tom replied with a touch of anger slipping out at the end. “ What about the girl?” Jack asked again. “I don’t really know. She just seems right, and well she is kind of like me you know, how I don’t look like every one else, she dozen’t blend in either. Plus, she Downs’t fuss over me like a blind fool. And she seems capable of doing what is necessary, but we all need some one to watch our back, and want to watch hers. She also seems kind. Please Father it is what is necessary,” Tom replied. “What isn't’t necessary is for you to go Tom. Some one else can go instead,” Jack said anger rising in his voice. Tom stood up. “You can’t keep me here. I can go, and you can’t stop me. No one can stop me, Tom said storming out. Tom had always had a temper, but usually had a better hold on it than that. I can’t stop him. I am not even his real father.
Sadness built up in side of him. Tom was grown and needed to know the truth.
He called in Tom again. “I’m sorry I didn't’t need to lose my temper,” Tom said as he stepped into the office. Jack looked at Tom. “I am going to let you go if Akaira does. I also need to tell you the truth about your heritage,” Jack said.
Tom froze. “ I found you abandoned on a field and took you in. I do not know who your parents are. I am sorry,” Jack told him. Shock painted Tom’s face. “You can go tell Akaira you are going with her, but remember even if you were of Emily’s and my blood we would have loved you the same as we do now, and ever will,” Jack said slowly. Tom stood up the shock still on his face. “Thank you,” he said, and walked out of the room a tad unsteadily. Jack shook his head sadness tacking over him. Oh why had he said yes, those many years. Oh why.

******************************************************************************************************

Tom walked up the steps. He automatically walking to Akaira’s room. Shock covered any other thought. He reached her door, and opened it with out knocking. She was there packing. She turned around at the sound of the door opening. She was about to yell at him when she saw his face.
She quickly herded him into a chair.
“Are you OK?” she asked.
His face was white and, he looked like he was about to sick up. He began to say some thing but his voice was to hoarse to hear. She gave him a couple of sips of water. He cleared his throat.
“My father, I mean Jack, has allowed me to go with you on your adventure.”
Akaira stared at him, but quickly recovered.
‘Did you want to go?’ she asked him.
“Yes,” he said looking dazed.
“Then what is bothering you, and why are you calling your father Jack,’ she asked.
“He isn't’t my father, and that is what is bothering me. I don’t even know who my real parents are,” he said .
She looked at him. There was a look of loss on his face so great that she just wanted to hug him and comfort him, but she had another idea. Fresh air usually helped people feel better.
“Let’s go for a ride,” she said
He looked up startled.
“What for?” he asked.
“It will make you feel better,” she said while dragging him out of the chair and out of the house.
She set Clerriek and Lira up. Tom mounted his Clerriek, and Akaira mounted her Lira. She led them to the woods were there were calming sounds.
“Tom, nothing has changed really. Jack is still your father. He is the one that raised you and taught you how to behave that is what matters,” Akaira told him.
“Look I don’t know who my parents are either if that makes you feel any better,” she said trying to draw him out of his mood.
He looked up from his saddle.
“Really?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said.
“Who raised you?” he asked her getting interested.
“Healer Audrie,” she replied.
“So you became an apprentice and is now a full Healer. It must have been great. Every one likes Healers,” he said sounding perkier.
Akaira laughed. It was not exactly a pleasant laugh either. It sounded pained and forced. Tom looked at her puzzled. Her eyes were starting to fill with tears, but they vanished quickly making him unsure if he had really seen them.
  





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40 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 40
Fri Dec 30, 2005 6:04 pm
Fool says...



Not bad, this is the first critic i've done for a while, but i've got half an hour to kill and your the target. Your story idea is good, i haven't read the other part, it was too long and too hard on the eyes...try paragraphing things a bit more. Lots of little errors here that interupted the flow of the story.

He jumped off Clerriek, and landed sending pain shooting up his leg


Sounds very forced, try "He jumped off Clerriek, sending a shooting pain through his leg"

He walked to her


Wrong time for short sentances, try something like... "He walked over to the young women, who was were he had left her" or something....

“Can I help in any way,” he asked her noticing that she was about his age maybe a couple years younger


"Can i help you?????" he asked, noticing that she was maybe slightly younger than himself

She looked up and smiled at him. She glanced at his leg and a frown appeared on her face. “With that leg you won’t,” she said, “let me bandage it up.”


He, she, he, she.....too many....she has a name, use it.

more than me,” replied stubbornly


"More than me" HE (or name) replied stubbornly

already have except for you


Coma after have, "I already have, except for you"

He looked closely and noticed it was the Healer’s mark. He also noticed there was a gash on her shoulder.


Try putting it together to make one sentance instead of two....


Could you smear this ointment on it.”


???? Question mark at the end ?????

the girl replied gratitude showing on her face.


This always looks good, but it reads back something awful. It's very clunky, i have the same problem.

but he was quiet a help to day,”


Quite not quiet (this always confusses me as well...)

I should be asleep she thought to herself.
Her thoughts had been keeping her up.
She kept on thinking why did I rush to help the man? It was stupid.
I could have died. But some thing had seemed to pull her towards the man. It was like the world would end if he died.
Who am I kidding? I must have imagined it. With that thought she fell back asleep.


I had to read this twice to figure out what was going on, try putting her thoughts into italics or bold, or something to make them stand out.

water, the woman froze and began to speak to Akaira


"water, THEN the women froze" it sounds a bit abrupt.

“Come in,” his father yelled. Tom came in and sat down. Before his father could say anything he said “Father I want to go.” “Go where?” his father replied, shuffling through papers. “I want to help Akaira, and I do have all the requirements. I can use multiple weapons. I can survive in the wilderness, and well I am young and healthy,” Tom said. His father looked at him. Worry showed in his eyes. “I will think on it,” he said, and continued looking at the papers.


New line when someone else joins a conversation, that was very confussing, and for something that seems vital, your reader needs to understand it.

Worry showed in his eyes


Clunky, try something like. "Jack was worried, and Tom could see it in his eyes"

shouldn't’t


There's several errors like this through the rest of the piece, please correct them

Jack sat in his study. Worry gnawed at him. A young girl like that shouldn't’t be doing this. Some one more experienced should, and Tom wanted to go. True he had the requirements, but like the girl, he was to young. He wanted to go, but he was getting old. He had had enough adventure in his time.


To many "him's" use the name of you character

Again, new line when people start talking in the next paragraph....

Sadness built up in side of him.


sounds forced again, try "Sadness brimmed up inside of Jack."

Tom walked up the steps. He automatically walking to Akaira’s room. Shock covered any other thought. He reached her door, and opened it with out knocking. She was there packing. She turned around at the sound of the door opening


Short syntax again, if you wanted, this could be two sentances instead of 6... "Tom walked automatically to Akaira's room, he was in deep shock. He went into her room without knocking to find Akaira looking at him, her packing half done in front of her" or something like that.

about to sick up.


Throw up or vomit. Sick sounds very clunky again

There was a look of loss on his face so great


loss? try vacancy or emptyness...loss just doesnt sound right here

She set Clerriek and Lira up. Tom mounted his Clerriek, and Akaira mounted her Lira. She led them to the woods were there were calming sounds.


Short syntax again....try "Akaira tacked the horses and they both mounted, setting out for the woods where things were calm"
Calming sounds doesnt sound right.

Other than those few things, that was good, i enjoyed reading it, just put in a few more paragraphs and spaces between your words to make it easier to read.

All the best for the new year

Fool ;)
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
  








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