Young Writers Society

I looked out the window of the subway train, the lights flashing by. I was listening to Major Tom by Shiny toy guns. home. I thought when the singer sung that word. home.
Something i didn't know where, or what it was anymore.
Something, that was no longer mine. The train stopped, and everyone got off. I followed, not knowing where i was, just that i had an "iPod" and some new clothes. I went up the stairs from the under ground subway to be greeted by vendors, cars honking, and neon signs. I shielded my eyes from the brightness of it all. I kept on walking till i stopped at a plaque on a building that said Apartment 135.
"Just the place." I muttered. Walking through the big glass doors I observed the the magnificent building. A great crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling, and the marble stone underneath my feet was cool. Couches made of white leather were spread out around the main floor,Mainly around fireplaces that were lit. I walked up to the front desk nervously, and asked the lady "I was told to meet mr..." i took out a crumpled piece of paper from my pocket. "Grider?"
"Ah, yes," the lady said in a steely voice, "Floor 45, room 67." she directed me to an elevator, and i punched in "45" and grabbed the bar as it lurched upward. "34, 35, 36..." i counted. "40, 41, 42..." i closed my eyes."You have reached your floor." The elevator said in its mechanical voice. I looked up and down the long, quiet hallway, my hands clamming up.
What did this strange person want from me? Mom always told me not to go to strangers... Well.. she did, anyways. I thought. Tip toeing down the hallway, i saw it. Room 67. Putting my ear against the door, i listened for anything suspicious. Slowly. Slowly, my hand inched toward the knob, and i turned it.
"No need to be afraid, dear. Come in!"


I was seated in a fur chair, and snuggled against its warmth. Across from me was a man dressed in an army suite. "Your probably wondering, 'Why am I here?' Well, I am going to tell you just that." The man smiled. "But, first, I'll need your name." He frowned, as I raked my brain for my name. Then i got cold. I couldn't remember my name. Nothing. "Oh, dear, well, lets see." he said. He called over a woman with electric blue eyes in a black suite, who brought him what looked like a glass grid, that when the man touched it, instantly scanned my face. "Ah, here we are. Subject 15...." The man gasped. He quickly called over the woman once more, and whispered something in his ear. I instantly knew something was wrong. The man locked his gaze on me, cold and hard, like the marble downstairs.
"Where are they?!" He growled.

AM EAGER FOR CHAPTER TWO MY FRIEND.

Thanks! i'm trying to figure out how do i make another chapter? i'm so horrible when it comes to technology.

For starters! Don't be surprised by the red lines here. You don't have that much mistakes, but I do tend to be talkative while reviewing. Lol. The red lines are the things I think, as the poor reader that I am, you should change. The green lines are when I absolutely love your sentence.
......

I looked out the window of the subway train, the lights flashing by. I was listening to Major Tom by Shiny toy guns. home (Capitalize the H and add a comma after 'home')i (Capitalize the letter I)thought when the singer sung that word. home. Something i didn't know where, or what it was anymore.
(Make this last sentence a new paragraph and maybe it would be better to merge it with the first sentence in the next paragraph) Something, that was no longer mine.
The train stopped, and everyone got off. I followed, not knowing where i was, just that i had an "ipod" and some new clothes. I went up the stairs to be greeted by vendors, cars honking, (and)neon signs. I shielded my eyes from the brightness of it all(I like this one. I can see you shielding your eyes). I stopped at a plaque on a building that said, "Apartment 135" (I think it might be better to merge the last two sentences together and make it ''I shielded my eyes from the brightness of it all, stopping at a plague...''
"Just the place."(This might be a little confusing to the reader. You should put a comma after 'place' and say 'I muttered to myself')
I walked through the big glass doors, and observed the sight of the magnificent building. A great crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling, and the marble stone underneath my feet was cool. Couches made of white leather were spread out, and fireplaces lit.(Amazing. Your description is clear, making it imaginable to me. Not a lot of authors can do that)
(New paragraph here and every time a new person talks)I walked up to the front desk nervously, and asked, "I was told to meet mr..." i took out a crumpled piece of paper from my pocket. "Grider?"
"Ah, yes," the lady said in a steely voice, "Floor 45, room 67." she directed me to an elevator, and i punched in "45" and grabbed the bar as it lurched upward. "34, 35, 36..." i counted. "40, 41, 42..." i closed my eyes.
(New paragraph, because it makes one thinks it's you talking, at first)"You have reached your floor.(comma, instead of the period)" It said, and the doors slid open. I looked up and down the long, quiet, hallway, my hands clamming up.
New paragraph, because it's a new topic)What did this strange person want from me? Mom always told me not to go to strangers... Well.. she did, anyways. i thought. Tip toeing down the hallway, i saw it. Room 67. Putting my ear against the door, just in case i heard something, i inched my hand forward to the handle. Slowly. Slowly. i opened it. (Again, your description is very visible. I love it)
"No need to be afraid, dear. Come in!"


I was seated in a fur chair, and snuggled against it (its)warmth.
(New paragraph)"Your probably wondering, 'why am I here?' (Capitalize the W in 'well')well, i am going to tell you just that." The man smiled. "But, first, i'll need your name." He frowned, as i raked my brain for my name. Then, i got cold. I couldn't remember my name. Nothing. "Oh, dear, well, lets see." he said.(Actually, this paragraph is slightly confusing, regarding the dialogue and who was talking. I don't know if it was you who's talking or the other man. Make a new paragraph whenever someone new talks)

He called over a person, her brought what looked like a glass grid, (Remember, you don't put a comma before 'that', but you put it before 'which'.)that, when the man touched, instantly scanned my face. (<-- That sentence has too many commas in it. Rephrase, because it makes the reader lose his attention. Maybe make it ''He called over a person and brought what looked like a glass grid. When he touched it, it instantly scanned my face.'' "Ah, here we are. Subject 15...." The man gasped. He quickly called over the man once more, and whispered something in his ear. I instantly knew, something was wrong. The man locked his gaze on me, cold and hard, like the marble downstairs.(I like this last sentence a lot)
"Where are they?!" He growled.

......

It was a nice and intriguing way to end your chapter, I loved it. Yet, I think the chapter is slightly too short, don't you think? Usually, they say that the chapter is better to be around 15 to 20 pages. But well, let's face it, some of us (including me) can't write full 15 pages for one chapter... However, you need to make it longer than this, because a chapter is not one scene, but numerous scenes and events.
I liked... No, I loved your description. I can see your character, when it moves. But that's another case: You need to give us more information in the first chapter to make us go read your second one. Again, that's why you need a longer chapter and you need more details about the events.
I liked it a lot. You only need to pay attention to punctuation and Capitalizing the letter 'I' and also the first letter in the sentence. Begin a new paragraph when another person speaks, or else your reader would be lost in the dialogues

Keep up your good writing. And really, good job.

This looks to be the start to a very interesting story. I liked how you incorporated mystery, suspense, and almost a sense of confusion. I would do a comprehensive grammar review, but it looks like Gheala has already got that covered, so I'll just make a few comments.

I looked out the window of the subway train, the lights flashing by. I was listening to Major Tom by Shiny toy guns. home i thought when the singer sung that word. home. Something i didn't know where, or what it was anymore.
Something, that was no longer mine. The train stopped, and everyone got off. I followed, not knowing where i was, just that i had an "ipod" No need for the quotes, just capitalize the "P" and some new clothes. I went up the stairs to be greeted by vendors, cars honking, neon signs. I shielded my eyes from the brightness of it all. I stopped at a plaque on a building that said, "Apartment 135" Consider re-wording this sentence. The narrator says he "stopped", but what/when did he start? I assume you mean he had started walking at some point, but it is never stated when. The comma and quotes around "Apartment 135" are not necessary.
"Just the place." I walked through the big glass doors, and observed the sight of the magnificent building. No comma needed between "doors" and "and". Consider leaving out the word "sight"; it's a bit redundant A great crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling, and the marble stone underneath my feet was cool. Couches made of white leather were spread out Spread out where? Not a big deal, but maybe add "around the room" after "spread out" to make it more clear, and fireplaces lit. I walked up to the front desk nervously, and asked Asked who?, "I was told to meet mr..." i took out a crumpled piece of paper from my pocket. "Grider?"
"Ah, yes," the lady said in a steely voice, "Floor 45, room 67." she directed me to an elevator, and i punched in "45" and grabbed the bar as it lurched upward. "34, 35, 36..." i counted. "40, 41, 42..." i closed my eyes."You have reached your floor." It said What is "it"? Just using "it" sounds informal. Consider changing it to "a mechanical voice" or something along those lines, and the doors slid open. I looked up and down the long, quiet, hallway, my hands clamming up. What did this strange person want from me? Mom always told me not to go to strangers... Well.. she did, anyways. i thought. Tip toeing down the hallway, i saw it. Room 67. Putting my ear against the door, just in case i heard something Redundant. This could be left out, i inched my hand forward to the handle. Slowly. Slowly. i opened it.
"No need to be afraid, dear. Come in!"


I was seated in a fur chair, and snuggled against it warmth. "Your Should be "you're" probably wondering, 'why am I here?' well, i am going to tell you just that." The man smiled. "But, first, i'll need your name." He frowned, as i raked my brain for my name. Then, i got cold. No comma needed in this sentence. The wording "got cold" sounds informal, maybe re-word? I couldn't remember my name. Nothing. "Oh, dear, well, lets see." he said. He called over a person This is somewhat vague. You might want to give a brief description of the peron? Man, woman, etc., her brought what looked like a glass grid, that, when the man touched, instantly scanned my face. "Ah, here we are. Subject 15...." The man gasped. He quickly called over the man once more, and whispered something in his ear. I instantly knew, something was wrong No comma needed. The man locked his gaze on me, cold and hard, like the marble downstairs.
"Where are they?!" He growled. No need to capitalize "He"

Besides that stuff, it's pretty good. Just remember to capitalize your I's. It's a very mysterious beginning to what I'm sure will be an excellent story. I'll be waiting to read more. My parting tips would be to be a bit more clear in your descriptions of surroundings and actions. The instances in which you did use some imagery, like when he came out of the subway station and in the lobby of the apartment complex, were very good.

Best of luck.

Thankyou for all the critiques! The only thing is, i don't think i can make this chapter longer, only because the following scene is in chapter two. I'll keep in mind to make chapters a little longer. Thanks! come back later to the new, revised version when you can!

Why don't you merge one and two together? It's your call, though. And good luck

Thanks! All this will help with the novel i'm writing outside young writers society. One day, you might see it on the shelves. It's called "The Rider." no more deats, cause' i don't want anyone to copy my idea.