Young Writers Society

I saw the pill slide down her throat and then she crumbled to the ground, howling.
"Wren? Are... are you okay?" I asked. She moaned and rolled over onto her stomach. The back of her dress was bloody and stretched. I tore it open and the slits in her back grew larger. She was crying now, steady tears made soft streaks down her dirty face. Wren looked at me with pleading blue eyes. There is nothing I can do but sink into the shadows and watch my best friend be tortured. The wings finally broke out. At first, I couldn't tell what they were with the blood staining them. Then the spotted feathers became clear, the wings were that of a beautiful pure morning dove. She stopped crying, and flapped them.
"Let's go to the river to wash you off." I suggested. Wren nodded, then tried to stand up but couldn't, her legs wobbled, and then her knees gave and she collasped again. Her whole body shook with pain and exaution. She looked up to me with tired blue eyes, and said,
"Show me... how they work. Then I'll rest, and when I wake up, we will go." I nodded and leaped off the side of the witch doctor's cave into open air. I threw my wings out and they cought the wind like sails. I soared up past the cave and into the clouds. After a few minutes, I went into a dive to meet Wren in the cave again. She was sitting up with a huge smile on her face, wings outspread.
"Now, it's my turn..." Wren announced. She stode up, and hurled herself out of the cave's mouth. Her beautiful wings swallowed up the air, she flapped, and then I watched my best friend drop like a freaking rock.

Wow, that was short. Add description. I want to feel the wind hitting your MC's face, feel how she feels about wings. Describe the setting, you give us a very vague setting
Liven that up! Your spelling and grammar are getting better, so yay!

Also, Wren's emotions seem to move a little fast. I don't think anyone can transtion from that to normal in a coiuple of minutes.

Gah, blockatext attack!
Cut it up or double space to make it roomier and less…daunting.
It’s a good piece, but it’s rather short for a novel chapter. I say you should lengthen it a bit more, even with just this bit of plot you have now it could get a whole lot longer.
Now, nitpicks.
1. You change tenses. “I saw the pill…”, “There is nothing…” Fix that.
2. You don’t create a new paragraph after dialogue. This is a rule of grammar and must be adhered to.
3. Your action changes with every sentence. Linger, slow down, and draw it out. Sprouting wings is usually something excruciatingly painful, as I’ve been told, so Wren’s emotions should be anguished, the MC’s worried. Dig deeper into that a bit, will ya?

Besides those three points (and some minor spelling and grammar) you did well. I’m not going to say it isn’t clichéd (because it is) but you can practise on it.
Jenth

Uhh... what is an MC?

Uhh... what is an MC?

Main Character

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Cool picture.