Young Writers Society

Prologue

I write by the light of a candle. And no, it's not because I live in the time before electricity. It's because it was the only light we could afford to show, for fear of being seen. Also the dang thing doesn't need to be included with batteries or electricity; which was a plus.

My cousin's form crossed the candle light, for the fiftieth time; making a shadow fall across my paper yet again. She continued to pace, trying to comfort the baby in her arms, while praying that he would stay silent.

Stuffy breathing of a dozen other children could be heard throughout the room; if you could even call it that. Our shelter was nothing more then four stone-cut, moldy, damp walls; roof and flooring made out of bug-infested dirt; and a lonely, broken window cut into one wall, several feet above our heads.

Gee, you say, sounds like your average Halloween, or maybe a common nightmare. It is. You see, we're the only ones left, the thirteen of us. We're the ones they're hunting, we're the ones they want.

D-Dog/Rae/Rae-Dog!

It is I, the great and wonderful Apple! I've come to review your work. As I am the coolest most raddest person of all time...you know what I'm saying? *Rae shakes her head* Alright! So let's get this started.

This may be a rather short review, but all well.

I. Nitpicks:

while prayeding that he would stay silent

Hmm, to me, prayed doesn't really flow with the go here. I suggest you change it to 'praying' as it adds a 'lil flavour or in other words: makes more sense then prayed.

II. Plot:

Ooo, electrifying. What is happening? What is going on? Two sentences = great work. You've caught my attention and I want to know more (RIGHT NOW!!!). I don't really have much to comment on as this was solid standing. I like they way you made it eerie and mysterious...The pacing of the chick with the baby only widens it.

You see, we're the only ones left, the thirteen of us.

This sentence definitely caught me and it was because of this snippy sentence that I'm going to keep spamming you till you post more!

III. Overall:

If you're planning to publish this: I suggest widening the prologue. It might be hard as because its short its sweet, lengthening it may take away the effect you wanted. But anyway, overall I thought this was really good. This is a great start and I definitely want to see more. PM me when you got more up, because I am excited to find out who is the main character and the rest of this mysterious thirteen.

~Apple.

Hi, i like the atmosphere throughout this. The endings good too, it makes me want to read the rest of the story.
Overall this is pretty good, you just have a few problems with what tense you're writing in, which i've expanded on a bit below. Hope this helps

Dragonet wrote:Prologue
(you change form present tense to past tense in the first 3 sentences,'it's', 'i write' , 'i live' then 'was' decide which one you wnat to write in and stick to it)
I write by the light of a candle. And no, it's not because I live in the time before electricity. It's because it was the only light we could afford to show, for fear of being seen. Also the dang thing doesn't need to be included with batteries or electricity; which was a plus. (this sentence sounds a bit strange, try putting 'also the dang thing doesn't need batteries or electricity to run' or something like that.)(also the tense here changes, you put 'the dang thing doesn't' then 'was a plus' change this to 'didn't', as i think you use past tense throughout most of this. But then at the end you change back to present tense,' we're the only ones left' , 'we're the only ones they're hunting'. Decide whether you want to be telling the story as it is happening or as if it has already happened and stick to it.

My cousin's form crossed the candle light, for the fiftieth time; making a shadow fall across my paper yet again. She continued to pace, trying to comfort the baby in her arms, while praying that he would stay silent.

Stuffy breathing of a dozen other children could be heard throughout the room; if you could even call it that. Our shelter was nothing more then four stone-cut, moldy, damp walls; roof and flooring made out of bug-infested dirt; and a lonely, broken window cut into one wall, several feet above our heads.

Gee, you say, sounds like your average Halloween, or maybe a common nightmare. It is. You see, we're the only ones left, the thirteen of us. We're the ones they're hunting, we're the ones they want.

hi I'm Psudiname and I will be reviewing your work today. all in all I thought it was pretty good and I think you should definately continue. my favorite things about it were the mood, and the amount of description. I like your style, but feel free to be a little more artistic with your adjectives. for example: you could have changed broken window to something like dilapidated or fractured or something more flashy and intricate, that gives the reader a more precise image of what you are imagining. as for charecter development, I know this is a prologue and thus should not have any charecter development, but make sure that once you start wrting more, you develop your charecters. and finally, grammer and sintax... I noticed one of your sentences said "nothing more then". when comparing things, you should use than; then is for phrases like: "and then this happened". also, try to only use commas when necessary. if you read the sentence: "my cousin's form crossed the candle light, for the fiftieth time" out loud, you might notice that you don't pause when you say "the candle light... for the fiftieth time". I know because I am guilty of that one myself. anyway, I hope you got something out of this review, and feel free to check out some of my work.
--- your friend Psudiname

I am enjoying this immensly! More please!!!